I See You

Chapter 7

Amanda woke from an unusual unsettling and fluttering sensation coming from her stomach. Shifting uncomfortably in the bed she slowly managed to push herself up into a half sitting position. It was not until then she realised that Olivia, her boss and sargeant, was still by her side, slumped in the plastic chair fast asleep. There it was again, the strange feeling coming and going in closer intervals. The baby was kicking.

She had felt the baby kick before on several occasions but this time it was stronger and more persistant. Almost like a repeated knock on a door, waiting for someone to open it. Again it kicked and she couldn't help but to gasp and let out a shuddering breath. Sitting up fully she placed her hands on her belly and tried to locate where exactly the baby was kicking.

"What's wrong? You okay?" Olivia woke up as the blonde shifted in the sheets and instantly got concerned as she saw Amanda cradling her stomach, breathing heavily.

"Yeah," she answered with a shaky voice, "the baby is kicking like crazy."

Sitting up fully alert, Olivia placed her hand close to Amanda's and gasped as she instantly felt a strong nudge underneath her palm. "Wow, that's... wow!" Olivia was never one lost for words. She always knew what to say when appropriate and always made people, especially victims, feel better about themselves and give them some sort of self esteem back, but feeling a baby kick, a small tiny little person that still grew inside her friend's stomach, was just simply amazing.

Amanda shifted uncomfortably as another kick assaulted her insides. "Wow, is right." the blonde stated dryly, feeling her belly twist and turn causing her to hiss in slight pain.

Olivia squeezed Amanda's hand and stood up. "I'm gonna get your doctor just to make sure everything is alright. I'll be right back, okay?" she waited for the blonde's response before she headed out. Only two minutes had passed when the brunette came back with a nurse in tow.

"I hear you're experiencing some discomfort Ms Rollins. I'd like to do an ultrasound just to have a quick look but I'm sure everything is as it should be. Sometimes when babies kick it can cause slight pain and it can feel very unsettling, although I believe that things are perfectly normal and that your baby is just being restless and bored." the nurse appeared friendly enough and it put Amanda slightly at ease.

When the cool gel was applied on her warm skin she couldn't help but to tremble from the cold sensation and when the nurse began to poke and prod around her swollen stomach Amanda gripped the sheets tightly.

Her boss sensed her discomfort and gently took one hand into her own and held it there, unconsciously rubbing her thumb soothingly over white knuckles.

"Well," the nurse began, "everything looks normal. Your fluids are fine, the baby's position is fine and her heartbeat is nice and strong."

Raising her eyebrows in chock, Amanda turned towards the nurse who was now wiping the gel off her belly. "She?" the blonde said in a whisper. "It's a... girl?"

The scrub clad woman placed a hand over her mouth and her eyes went wide. "Oh my god! I'm so sorry. I thought you knew the sex already, I... I'm so so sorry, I assumed that..."

Amamda raised her hand to make the woman stop talking. "It's okay." she stated quietly, "it's... fine. Thank you for the check up." Her words were quiet but ber tone was firm, letting the nurse know that to leave the room would probably be a good idea. Once they were alone Amanda found her eyes glued to her protruding midsection. A girl! A baby girl! She was having a girl! Her mind was racing but her body was almost frozen in position. The news had come so abruptly and unexpectedly that it took time for Amanda's brain to actually process what was happening and what she had just found out.

"Amanda?" Olivia spoke gently, leaning forward to try and make eye contact. "You okay?" Nothing. "Please say something!"

Blue teary eyes met brown as she tried to blink them away. "It's a girl."

Olivia gave her a small smile. "Yeah." she whispered, feeling her eyes sting from emotion.

"It's a girl." Amanda repeated, "I'm having a baby girl." she didn't know what to believe. A little girl was growing inside of her and in that moment it was like she truly understood and realised that she was becoming a mother. It all suddenly became real, almost too real for Amanda, and she couldn't stop the tears flowing from her eyes. "What am I getting myself into? What was I thinking?" she whispered in a broken tone. "I can't do this."

Olivia frowned in concern. Was Amanda having second thoughts? Did she not want to keep the baby? Did she regret not having an abortion? She didn't know but that's what it sounded like. "Amanda," she soothed and placed a hand on the blonde's upper arm, "I believe in you. We all do and whatever you decide to do we will always support you. We won't judge you or think any less of you based on your desicions. We're family and family always stick together, especially my squad. We're all here to help you and to make things easier for you. Don't ever forget or doubt that."

Blue scared eyes looked at her, brimming with new unshed tears that were threatening to fall. She wanted to believe Liv, she really did, but a part of her didn't even trust her own judgement so trusting someone else was even more difficult. Her skin tingled underneath Olivia's touch and she fought against the sensation. "Family, uh?"

Smiling, Liv removed her hand and gently wiped at the tears as they silently rolled down pale cheeks. "Yes, family." she repeated in a soft voice, emphasising the word 'family'to make the meaning of it sound more enlarged and real.

Amanda couldn't resist the urge and leaned into the touch of Olivia's hand on her face. Only when she realised her action she pulled away abruptly and straightened herself up a bit. "Thanks, um... you don't have to stay. I mean... I'm okay and I know you're busy so... um, I'll be okay. You should go." she stuttered and mumbled nervously, blushing from Liv's sudden affection.

Olivia raised her eyebrows in amusement but not so the blonde could see. She saw the flushed face but decided not to take it any further. Then her facial features changed into one of concern. Did Amanda really feel ashamed for showing emotion and vulnerability? Did she not want Olivia, or anybody else for that matter, to see her at a weak point in her life? It was only human and natural after all, to feel fragile and breakable sometimes. Amanda however didn't feel comfortable showing these kind of emotions around anybody and Liv had noticed that on their very first case together. Back then she was dealing with her own emotions and heartbreak over her partner leaving the squad and was in no mood to get involved with someone else's private problems, especially not a newbie. Boy, did she regret it now. What type of image was that sending out to other officers and detectives who was eager and willing to learn.

What had Amanda endured growing up? How difficult, twisted and dark had her childhood really been? Olivia needed and wanted answers. Sighing she dicided not to push or annoy the woman any further. "I know you'll be okay, Amanda and I'm never too busy for anyone in my squad, including you." again she emphasized the word 'including'. "I'll leave you alone for now but I'll be back later on to check on you whether you like it or not."

The blonde sighed and rolled her eyes away from her boss. She didn't want to bother anyone by them having to visit just to see if she's doing okay. She felt like a burden and an inconvenience and hated all the attention she got from everyone. She didn't need it, didn't want it and didn't ask for it. Her mixed feelings towards Olivia was beginning to frustrate her even more. Even though she felt all these things, she still couldn't help but to feel drawn to her sargeant and, strangely enough, missing her presence when she wasn't around. It was all so mind wrecking and emotionally exhausting to have those kind of feelings for the gorgeous brunette, when all she wanted was to be left alone in her own misery and wallow in her pathetic sadness.

When Liv disappeared out the door she immediately missed Olivia's proximity, her voice, her kind nature and even her touch. "Stop it!" she firmly scolded herself. Sighing, she dropped back against the cushions and placed her good arm prospectively around her midsection. "What am I gonna do?" she whispered into the quiet room as if she was expecting an answer.

"How is she doing, sarge?" Fin gently prodded as he headed into Liv's office with a stack of finished paperwork.

The brunette placed them on her desk so she could sign them off before being stored and archived accordingly. "Honestly, I don't know." she sighed and leaned back into her leather chair. "She seems pretty unsure and unsettled with herself, which I can undertand to a point, and she's already given her doctor a long speech about not wanting to stay in the hospital but I think she realised that staying would be better for her and the baby." she paused briefly, "She seems... I don't know... distant perhaps, maybe confused and scared about the situation she's in."

Fin nodded. "I get that." he genuinely stated.

"Sounds like you're speaking from your own personal experience." Liv said smiling, "were you ever pregnant?" she joked, placing her glasses firmly on her nose.

"Thank god no!" Fin said, holding his hands up in the air. "I believe that would be physically and anatomically impossible, sarge." he took a step closer to his boss's desk. "You seeing her later tonight?"

Olivia nodded. "Yeah, I was gonna pop down after I finish up my papers but since you, ever so kindly added to my steadily growing mountain of it, I'll be stuck here for another bit." a grin was evident on her face and Fin took no offence knowing that the brunette was not serious.

"Hey, just doing my job, sarge. Give her my best."