I See You
Chapter 9
The two detectives were sitting quietly by Amanda's kitchen table drinking a non alcoholic champagne that Fin had brought with him to cheer his partner up a bit. The blonde was running her index finger along the rim of her glass to keep her fidgety fingers occupied.
Fin was no fool. He could see the redness in his partner's eyes, the dark circles under them, the ashen look on her face and her exhausted and painful posture. He knew she was playing it down and putting on an act to convince him that she was fine. Working with her every day for almost five years he could easily see through her charade. "What's going on, Amanda?"
The blonde put on a pretend frown of confusion. "What do you mean? Everything is fine." she said without looking up from her beverage.
Fin sighed and leaned forward in his chair to make her blue eyes focus on his. "Don't pull that crap with me, Manda. I know something's up. Wanna talk about it?"
Amanda thought for a minute. She knew her partner and didn't blame him for wanting to help but talking about her whole situation would make it awkward and uncomfortable. She was lost in her thoughts but snapped back to reality when she heard Fin's voice, "if it takes you so long to think about it I'm gonna take that as a yes. Come on, out with it!" he added with a grin causing the blonde to copy it half heartedly.
"I'm just... I suppose I'm worried." her voice was low, barely a whisper.
Fin shifted in his seat and listened closely. "About?"
She inhaled deeply before continuing in a stronger tone. "This," she waved her good hand over her stomach area, "the baby, my job, my life. How everything is gonna change."
Fin studied his partner, thinking about what to say. It was a tricky situation for him to be in. What do you say to a pregnant woman who just risked her life for you and all he wanted was offer some support and comfort. Finally he thought about something that someone told him once. "Amanda, nothing changes except what has to."
The blonde looked up. "When did you become all philosophical?"
He grinned and took a sip of his champange. "Believe it or not but someone once told me the same thing."
"Who?" Amanda wanted to know.
"Liv." he simply responded. "And I've worked so many years with her that I know by now that she's always right. She's a smart woman that one." he winked at his partner and topped up her glass with the fizzy drink. Amanda continued the silence, thinking about what Fin had just said. It made sense, in a way. Things do change, that was inevitable. Nothing can stay the same for ever even though sometimes we wish that it could.
"She does care about you, you know... Liv, I mean. She's very good at reading people."
Amanda snorted and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I know. You can't even scratch your arse cause she'll know about it." she said in an amused tone and couldn't help but to smile as she thought about the gorgeous brunette.
Her partner laughed and noticed the grin spreading across the blonde's face. "Amen to that, partner." he raised his glass and Amanda followed suit.
"She was here, you know. Just before you showed up." she had gone back to avoiding eye contact and again began playing with the rim of her glass.
"Is that why you'd been crying?"
She snapped her head up. "I wasn't crying. I'm just... tired, I guess. You know, all the hormonal stuff that comes with being pregnant." she hoped Fin would leave it at that. She hated being vulnerable around her partner, or anyone for that matter. She was really exhausted and Fin could see that but he didn't believe that that was the reason her eyes were so red and puffy. He could easily tell that she had been crying but decided not to push.
"Okay." he finished his drink in one swallow. "You should get some rest then. You've had a rough couple of days. Just let me know if there's anything I can do for you."
She smiled and followed him to the door. "Thanks," she said, "for stopping by and for the no fun champange. I can't wait to have a proper drink."
"Well, we can fix that later on. When that cute little bun in your oven is finished baking I'll take you out for drinks. How about that?"
"That would be great." she said sincerely, appreciating the light banter coming from her friend and partner. "Get home safe." she added.
Fin frowned in amusement. "I'm a cop. A big scary, strong and very attractive looking cop. No one is gonna mess with me."
The blonde rolled her eyes and slapped his arm playfully. "Whatever, stud. See ya later."
The apartment fell silent again, just the light noise from the tv passed through the room. Her body was letting her know that it was time for bed and she turned the tv off and headed for the bedroom. Nighttime was usually a difficult ordeal for the blonde. Dreams and nightmares were often present in her sleeping state which made her even more tired the next day. Right now she was so exhausted that she hoped she would sleep peacefully through the night without any unpleasantries.
"Sarge, do you have a minute?" Fin knocked on the doorframe leading into Liv's office.
The brunette popped her head up, her glasses resting low at the tip of her nose. "For you, I even have two. What's up?"
Fin sat down in front of his boss and sighed. "It's about Rollins. I went to see her last night. She said you had just left before I arrived." he scratched his head, "I could tell she was upset but she didn't really wanna talk about it."
Liv pursed her lips, deep in thoughts. "What do you mean by upset?"
"She had been crying." Fin replied. "I asked her about it and she denied it, said she was tired and hormonal, blaming the pregnancy. Now, you and me both, know that that's not true. She also said that she was worried and scared about having this baby, which is understandable I suppose. I mean it is her first. I bet you were shitting it too when you got Noah."
Olivia chuckled. "That's an understatement. I was terrified." she sighed and looked at her college. "What do you want me to do?"
Fin let out an audible sigh. "Talk to her. I mean, I tried but I'm not a mother. I don't know a lot about babies, except that they eat, sleep and poop, but you do. Have a girls night or something? Talk about how it was for you when you became a mother. I think she needs to hear it from someone who knows what it's like. I know you didn't give birth to Noah so talking about the actual delivery might not be in your favour but I'm really worried aout her mental state and I..."
"Fin!" Liv interrupted, "It's okay, I get it. I'll see what I can do, okay? And thanks for having your partner's back."
"Always." he said as he stood up and left the room, leaving a worried and troubled sargeant behind.
The rest of the day went by painfully slow. Fortunately no new cases came in but they were kept busy with the ones they were currently investigating and the paperwork never failed to cease. The stress and tension coming with the job was inevitable. Every single staff member had gone through at least a couple of rough periods. Olivia, herself, was no exception. Altough she had found and developed coping skills how to deal and process difficult cases and scenarios. She knew how to handle the stress and also knew when to take a step back and when to take another forward.
Amanda, however, seemed to struggle with the emotional part of handling detailed heinous crimes. She knew how to handle the legal part, the process of it and the aftermath but when it came to her own feelings, emotions and mental state she was at a total loss. At work she appeared strong and unattached, like nothing shocked or bothered her. Back home, in her apartment, behind closed doors she was the total opposite, not willing to let anyone see her vulnerable state.
At six o'clock the brunette shut her laptop down and headed out her office. The bullpen was empty bar from Fin and a couple of other officers working the phones for the night. Fin grabbed his black leather jacket when he saw Liv approaching his desk. "You going to see Rollins?" he asked, concern etching his face.
"Yeah, Lucy is minding Noah until nine so I'm gonna head over to her place and have a girl's chat." she winked at her work colleague and recieved a grin.
"Well, I don't wanna be there for that. God only knows what happens during those intimate talks." he placed a hand on his boss's shoulder and gave it a firm squeeze. "Good luck, sarge. I'll see you in the morning."
Amanda was pacing. Her anxiety was getting the best out of her. The thought of her family abandoning her, being pregnant and giving birth to this baby alone scared her to no end. Her head was spinning with thoughts and worse case scenarios. Her hand was continuously rubbing circles over her stretched belly, feeling a faint kick now and then, causing her face to scrunch up in discomfort. Tears formed in her eyes and she angrily wiped them away cursing at her own weakness. The doorbell suddenly rang, startling her slightly.
"What now?" she groaned and tried to get rid of the evidence of fresh tears. It was useless. Her eyes were bloodshot and puffy, dark circles were evident and she was pale as a sheet. "Great." she mumbled as she looked through the peephole. Olivia.
The blonde made one last attempt to dry her tears before opening the door. Then she changed her mind. With her hand on the handle she wished for Olivia to go away. Maybe if she just pretended she was not at home then her boss would leave. The doorbell rang again.
"Amanda?! Look, I know you're in there. I heard when you walked up to the door." her voice was low and soft, she didn't want to sound threatening in any way. "I just want to talk to you. Will you please open the door?"
Sighing, Amanda could feel more tears gathering, tears of frustration and anger this time. Why couldn't she just be left alone? Unlocking the door and the security chain, the blonde opened it and faced her boss. As soon as Liv saw her red rimmed eyes and tear stained face she turned away in embarrassment. "What do you want, sarge?" she managed to keep her voice steady.
Olivia had already seen her glossy eyes and pale complexion and her heart went out to her friend. "Oh, Amanda." she said gently, taking a step closer and shutting the door behind.
Amanda felt like her privacy had been invaded and her personal space had been broken in to. The loving look on her sergeant's face was too much for her. Wrapping her good arm around herself she boke down in tears while continuously cursing and berating herself for showing such weakness. Olivia, on the other hand, didn't hesitate and gently brought the upset blonde into her arms holding her close. She could feel the tension in Amanda's body and how she began to fight the embrace trying to break free.
Olivia just held on, hoping she would eventually stop fighting and give into the tears and let go. "Shh, don't fight me on this, Amanda, cause you won't win. I'm here, I'm right here. Shh." she rubbed the blonde's quivering back, taking caution of the injuries she previously had sustained. After a few minutes of soothing and soft words, comforting physical contact and gentle rocking she could feel the body in her arms relax ever so slightly. A sigh of relief could be heard as she felt Amanda's arms tightened around her, gathering the material of her jacket into her fists and held on for dear life as she cried.
"Oh, sweetie," the brunette said with feeling and pulled her even closer, "it's gonna be okay. Everything is gonna be okay. I've got you, I've got you now, honey. Just let go."