I See You

Chapter 10

Amanda was physically and mentally exhausted. Olivia could feel the body in her arms turn heavy and she knew she had to get the blonde to lay down. "Come on." Liv gently whispered in a nearby ear and began walking towards Amanda's bedroom. The blonde didn't protest. She was too tired to argue so she followed her boss's lead. Liv gently pushed her down on the bed, removed Amanda's shoes and began removing her sweater, knowing that the blonde wore a t-shirt underneath.

As delicate fingers reached the hem of the jumper Amanda flinched and shrugged away. Liv cocked her head to the side and placed a hand on her knee. "It's okay. You'll be a lot more comfortable without the sweater and it will be too painful for you to take it off on your own. Please, just let me help. I'm here to help."

Eventually Amanda nodded reluctantly. With Liv's help they managed to discard the jumper without causing too much pain. The white t-shirt she wore underneath made her belly look even bigger than it already was. Olivia couldn't help but to stare at it in awe. It was simply amazing that a small human being was growing inside her friend's stomach and how beautiful the blonde looked even though she was worn down and upset.

"Just lean back and lay down, Amanda. You have to get some sleep." she helped the blonde to lay down on her back and spread the covers over her, lingering for an extra few seconds just so she could feel the warmth radiating from her friend's body. "Try to get some rest, honey." Liv resisted the urge to brush blonde hair away from blue tired eyes.

Amanda shifted slightly, trying to get comfortable. She felt bad for having her boss seeing her like this. Guilt was also slowly creeping up on her for keeping Olivia away from her son. She struggled to keep her eyes open but managed to look into brown ones for just a second. "Noah?" she mumbled.

"Shh," the brunette gave in to the need to feel Amanda's skin under her fingers and she stroked a pale but clammy cheek. "Don't worry about anything else except for getting some sleep. I'll be right here. Just close your eyes."

Liv's soothing voice had an affect on the tired blonde and she was asleep within a minute. The older woman stayed close by for a while before quietly exiting the room. She had to call Lucy and explain to her what was going on and that she might be staying the night with Amanda. As much as it hurt her to be away from her son for so long she knew that Amanda needed her more right now. Lucy was great with Noah and had stayed the night with him a few times before.

After explaining everything to her babysitter, Olivia sighed and sat down on a kitchen chair. She didn't know what to do. How did things get this bad for Amanda? Why hadn't she noticed anything sooner? Why had she been crying? What was going on? All these questions and no answers. In attempt to clear her head she shook it and got up. Amanda had to eat and by the look of things there was no food in the apartment since the fridge was practically empty. Italian sounded good in Olivia's mind and found some takeout menus in the top drawer.

While the blonde slept Olivia ordered a few different things of the menu, not sure what Amanda liked or disliked. Almost an hour later the food arrived, spreading a delicious aroma throughout the apartment. She helped herself around the kitchen, finding plates, cutlery and glasses to set the table. She took her time doing things, wanting the blonde to sleep as long as she could before it was time for dinner. It was now almost seven thirty and she could no longer stall or otherwise it would be too late in the evening to eat.

Quietly she snuk into the bedroom, ready to face the wrath of a sleep deprived pregnant woman. To her surprise Amanda was already awake gazing at her with a frown of confusion. "Sarge? What... um, what are you doing here?"

Liv couldn't help but to smile at how adorable her young detective looked like even though she still appeared exhausted and drained. "I said I would stay, remember?" she walked up closer to the bed.

"Um, yeah but... I didn't think you actually meant it."

Those words hurt Olivia. Not because Amanda thought she wouldn't keep her word and stay but because it was now obvious that trust didn't even exist in Amanda's world. It became clear to Olivia that the young blonde must have been lied to and been let down so many times in the past that relying on someone was not an option.

"I'm a woman of my words. I try to never break a promise." she gave Amanda a smile. "I ordered Italian. Hope that's okay. Come on before it gets cold." she held her hand out to help her friend up but she shrugged away immediately.

"I can get up in my own, thanks." she muttered wearily.

Liv continued to hold her hand out, determined not to let Amanda's slight hostility get to her. "I know you can, doesn't mean that you have to. Come on."

Looking at the hand lingeing in the air in front of her made her feel awkward. Why was Liv doing this? Why was she suddenly so helpful and... motherly? Slowly she reached out with her own shaky hand and grasped it. The warmth from Olivia's hand was comforting and she couldn't help but to shiver at the contact. Luckily her boss didn't notice.

The blonde was quite surprised to see the table already set and the glasses filled with water. "You didn't have to do this, sarge." Amanda stuttered. She was grateful that the brunette had stayed like she said she would but now the thoughts of what had happened only an hour ago came back and she immediately got odd and felt completely out of sort. Olivia, her boss, her sargeant, had seen her break down and sob like a baby. Her pride and dignity had been damaged and nothing could be done or said to take it all back.

Liv pulled out a chair for Amanda to sit down. "I know I didn't, I wanted to." wearily the blonde sat down and began to fidget with the hem of her t-shirt not knowing where to look, what to do or what to say. Olivia could sense her discomfort and began digging into the steaming food. "I didn't know what you liked so I just got a few of the most popular dishes."

About five minutes into the meal Amanda felt extremely guilty for keeping the older detective from her son. "Sorry." she mumbled, barely realizing that she had said it at all.

Liv took a sip of her water and swallowed. "For what?" she gently prodded.

Amanda looked away, focusing her eyes on the kitchen sink so she didn't have to look at her sergeant's face. "For keeping you from your son and... whoever." her voice was almost a whisper and she could feel Olivia's eyes really taking her in, analysing her, the intense stare almost burning on her delicate skin. She could feel tears prickling her eyes again and she sighed and mentally berated herself for not being able to control her emotions. She always use to be in control, especially when it came to her feelings but lately it seemed like she had lost that ability. She was angry and frustrated from all the crying she had done the past few days and she just wanted it all to stop.

Liv gently grabbed Amanda's hand that was resting on the table in front of her and gave it an affectionate squeeze. "You're not keeping me from anything or anyone, Amanda." she gently explained. "I am where I want and need to be."

Amanda looked down at their joint hands, willing her own to pull away but it was frozen in place, like it wanted to be there, belonged there. "Still," she murmured, "you need to be with your son."

Liv knew she was pushing her away, walls up. "No," her tone was gentle and soft, "I need to be here." again she gave the hand she was holding a tug.

"I'm fine, sarge. Really." Amanda almost laughed at herself for stating such a lie. Fine was not a word that could describe her physical and mental state right now. Again she locked her eyes on the kitchen sink, hating herself for not pulling away her hand. How did I get here? She wondered.

Olivia pushed her chair closer to the blonde with one hand while the other held a shaky one in a firm hold. When again seated she placed both of her hands over Amanda's one which caused the blonde to tear her eyes from her focus point and onto the older woman's beautiful features. "You're not fine, Amanda. You can keep telling yourself that you are, but I can see that you're not. What is going on?" the question held no threat or demand, just simply concern and worry for her friend.

Amanda felt herself turn defensive and slightly angry at those words and began pulling her hand away to get out of the uncomfortable situation. Liv held it tighter.

"No," she firmly stated, "I'm not going to let go just yet." her thumb was unconsciously stroking the back of Amanda's hand. "Tell me what's going on, Amanda? Please! I want to help you figure this out. Whatever it is we can work it out together. You're not alone, sweetie. We are all here for you and the baby. Nothing is gonna change that." Liv was almost pleading, begging her friend to talk to her.

The hand inbedded in Olivia's abruptly pulled away. Amanda quickly got up and began pacing angrily. "You can't promise me that. Don't say things you don't mean." her breathing became heavy and her chest tightened. "I want you to leave, please. Just go." she waited for any sign that would indicate Liv leaving but nothing happened. "Get out." she pointed angrily towards the door but kept her gaze down.

Olivia got up from her seat and slowly made her way towards Amanda. She could see the blonde's body shaking with emotion, even her voice had failed her and revealed the fear that was hidden. "Get out." she repeated more firmly this time since Olivia made no attempt to leave.

The brunette was now standing in front of her, calm but determined. "No." she simply said and lowered Amanda's outstretched arm that was still pointing to the door.

Again the blonde tried to pull away but was stopped by the back of the couch. "Get out." her voice was now barely audible and her chest was heaving, struggling to get air in her lungs. She was determined to not have a full blown anxiety attack in front of her boss but Liv was making it hard not to. She was desperate for her to leave. She placed a hand on her chest and struggledto speak, "out." she rasped even though she knew that at this point there was no chance that Liv would leave.

"No." the brunette replied softly and placed her own hand over Amanda's, feeling her chest raise and fall heavily. "Breathe, sweetie. Slow breaths." she whispered, ignoring the blonde's attempt to pull away. "You can fight me all you want Amanda but I'm not leaving and I'm not letting you go."

Hearing those words caused Amanda to let out a cry. It was a cry full of anguish and pain, it almost sounded primal and animalistic to Olivia who slowly pulled her into her arms. Still the blonde was putting up a fight, doing her best to make Liv leave her alone but the fight she was already fighting with the lack of air in her lungs made her too tired to keep it up.

Olivia struggled to hold on to the twitching body in her arms. There was no way she was letting go, no way was she leaving Amanda alone to deal with this. She felt tears prickling her own eyes for the pain that her friend must be in. "Amanda," she soothed, "calm down. You're making your breathing worse. Try to take slow breaths."

Amanda struggled. She didn't want to break down in front of her boss again. She was mortified, embarrassed and ashamed and she hated herself for it. She tried to keep the cries and sobs at bay but that only made it worse as another anguish filled scream passed her throat.

Liv saw her fighting a loosing battle and her heart went out to her friend. "Oh sweetheart," she murmured and steadied herself on her feet since Amanda's knees were about to give out. Somehow she managed to half carry and half drag the blonde to the sofa to sit down before her legs gave up fully. Sitting down next to the distraught woman, Olivia didn't think twize and pulled her into her lap, rocking her like child, stroking her hair with one hand, holding her tight with the other and whispering soothing words.

"Shhh, sweetie. I've got you. Don't fight it, Amanda. Whatever has to come out will eventually win so please, honey, don't fight it. Just let go. Whatever you're feeling, just let go. It's okay to cry and scream. You've obviously got so much pain pent up, sweetheart. Don't hold back, I've got you. I've got you."

Amanda was still being stubborn and continued to fight the sobs. Her body was shaking, both from battling all her emotions but also from pure physical exhaustion and lack of sleep. It was all catching up to her now, attacking her with full force. "I... I... can't... I can't..."

"Shhh," Olivia soothed. "Don't try to talk, you'll only make things worse. Just focus on your breathing, in and out slowly." Liv sat her up slightly, trying to make it easier for the blonde to get some air into her lungs. Amanda clung to her, obviously scared that she was about to leave. "Hey hey, I'm not letting go. I just thought it might be easier for you to breath this way." she rubbed soothing circles on the quivering back as another strangled cry filled the room. Olivia brought her head towards the crook of her neck. "Just let go, sweetie. There's just you and me in here and you're safe. You're safe, honey and you can let go. You can let go." she repeated those words until Amanda had no tears left to spill and her voice had turned raspy.

This was it. She had let her weakness win in the worst way possible. Olivia was tired herself from watching her friend suffer so much. She knew Amanda was embarrassed for breaking down but she, herself, was relieved. Finally Amanda had showed some kind of emotion since her family turned their backs on her. Olivia now made a silent promise to look out for the blonde.