Aftermath, Chapter 13 – Life Wellness
I do not own the majority of these characters. Arizona, Lauren, Callie, Mark and Sofia belong to Grey's Anatomy and Co, as do all other Grey's Anatomy cast referred to in this story.
Arizona turned the motor off and sat for a minute before exiting her vehicle. The drive down was a perfect combination of sunshine, ocean views, relaxing music, and time alone. She'd stayed up late the night before, wanting to spend extra quality time with Sofia, even if meant watching her while she slept.
When dropping Sofia at Callie's, she was relieved that the exchange went well. She'd had mixed feelings about telling Callie where she was going. As a mom, she wanted her to know; should anything happen to their daughter, but as a soon-to-be ex-spouse, she wanted her privacy. Callie's reaction was better than she thought it would be, however. It was almost as if she felt genuine happiness over Arizona's decision to admit herself into a five day inpatient trauma center.
Arizona slowly approached the entrance to Life Wellness. She took time to inhale the salty oceanic air and marveled at the sight of sea-side and horse pasture. The entire facility was surrounded by well-kept native plants and perfectly groomed walking paths. One couldn't ask for a more perfect place to heal, she thought. The fact that Life Wellness saw very few patients at a time brought her comfort, also. She wanted to be there, but didn't want the world to know she was.
Upon entering, Arizona noticed a small desk at the corner of the Great Room. This room was filled with gigantic indoor plants, massive windows, sky lights, trickling water fountains and casual seating. Something about it said there was no need to hurry. She approached a smallish gentleman in his mid-twenties standing near the desk and said, "Hello."
"Hi. Checking in?" he asked looking up and offering a smile.
"Yes," Arizona replied.
"Dr. Eden's patient?"
"That's me."
"Wonderful, we've been expecting you. It's so great to have you here with us. I have a few forms for you to sign and then you're all set."
Arizona smiled and took a seat near the back windows and noticed a creek and small foot bridge leading to an outdoor seating area. A perfect place for morning coffee, she thought.
Once finished, she took a deep breath and handed over the completed paperwork.
"Please come with me and I'll show you to your cabin," the young man said. "I'm Alejandro, by the way.
"It's nice to meet you Alejandro," Arizona said and followed closely behind.
Arizona was led out the back doors, over the creek and footbridge, past the sitting area and through old growth. They arrived at single occupancy cabin where Alejandro handed her the key.
The cabin that was only a few yards from a large free standing octagon shaped building that had a tall glass climbing wall along one end. Just to the right of the building was a swimming pool and ropes course. Arizona smiled and thought to herself, they obviously love their empowerment tools here. Her observation brought her comfort, rather than irritation though. She was growing to appreciate the belief that when a person feels strong, they can accomplish anything they put their mind to.
"You're on your own for the evening. Our chef is on until 9:00 pm, so please visit her whenever you're hungry. She prepares the most amazing meals. Also, take note of the empty journal next to your bed. Writing down your feelings and experiences is part of the treatment plan at Life Wellness. If you'd like to get started tonight, please do. Many guests find their first journal entry to be a very helpful tool later on."
Arizona smiled and said, "Thank you."
Alejandro returned her smile. "Kenna will meet you in the Great Room tomorrow morning at 8:00 am. Should you need anything before hand, just let me know."
Arizona noticed how gentle Alejandro's speech pattern was. She felt welcome and at ease. After he left, she tossed her bag on the bed and looked at the nightstand where he said the journal would be. She walked to it and traced its edges with her fingertips. It occurred to her that she hadn't written in a journal since she was a teenager. She cringed at the memory of the angst and longing.
After dinner, Arizona decided to explore the grounds before sunset. She walked to the pasture and wished the horses were out. She liked them, from a distance, and was slightly nervous about working with them over the next five days. Life Wellness was known best for its equine therapy program.
Arizona left the pasture and strolled alone one of the main walking paths. She admired the handcrafted stone sitting benches tucked in along the way. Seeing the sun was about to set, she went back to the kitchen for a cup of tea, which she enjoyed from the second story balcony of the main building. Everything about the evening was absolutely perfect.
Once the sun had set, Arizona decided to explore the West section of the grounds before retiring for the evening. The West walking trail brought her to a stone yurt with a sign on the door that read: Silent Meditation Area, All Are Welcome. She felt drawn to this space and entered quietly, leaving her sandals at the door. There were many sitting cushions scattered about and several sitting chairs along the outside walls. All were arranged to allow a center isle that led to a stone alter adorned with no statue of a God, a Goddess, Buddha or guru. As a nonreligious person, Arizona found it refreshing that the alter was laden with freshly cut flowers, stones stacked on top of one another, bundles of fresh sage and lighted candles instead.
Arizona enjoyed the peacefulness of the space and quietly took a seat along a Southwest-facing wall. She sensed a presence and once her eyes adjusted to the light, scanned the perimeter. Her eyes found a small figure sitting cross-legged upon a floor cushion; staring out the window, rather than at the altar. She guessed the woman to be around twenty years of age, maybe a little younger. There was just enough light streaming in for Arizona to see she had burn scars along the right side of her face and down her neck. She also noticed scars on both of her hands. Even though the rest of her body was covered with clothing, Arizona knew there were other scars, especially those that wouldn't be detected by the human eye.
Wanting to give the young woman her privacy, Arizona exited as quietly as she'd came. The peacefulness of the meditation area accompanied her to her cabin and throughout her shower. As she crawled into bed, she considered what kind of trauma a burn victim might experience. She picked up her journal and wrote:
Journal Entry – First Night
Where to begin? The last time I kept a journal, I was ridiculously young and completely in lust with a girl down the street. Ah, Theresa Snow, where are you now? Anyway, I think the main point is to write about my feelings – so here goes.
Earlier, this evening, I felt a wave of calmness wash over me—actually, it surged though me. I had stumbled upon a sanctuary on the grounds and was drawn in. I saw a young woman there. Something about her quiet strength affected me. It's funny because no one would look at her and consider her strong. She was small and quite frail, but the strength I sensed emanating from her presence was fascinating. There was just something about the way she sat at the window, looking out at the world. Perhaps preparing to join it, or perhaps guarding from it, I'm not sure. Maybe I'm just projecting and seeing myself, or a delusion of myself? It doesn't matter. What I know is that I get the sense that there's something out there waiting for me, but I need to be the one to go after it, even if it means taking major risks.
As for what else I'm feeling? I'm a little nervous about the next five days. This is no small undertaking. I have no regrets coming here though. I know I need to do something about my anxiety and how I respond to future challenges with Callie. Hopefully I can figure out a way to manage my anger toward her. I can't go back to feeling the way I did right after the amputation. I just can't.
Day 1 – 7:00 am
Arizona's alarm sounded. She appreciated the ring tone. It was gentle, not jarring. She got up slowly and made her way to the cafeteria. She'd opted for coffee and a banana, which she enjoyed in sitting area she noticed yesterday. She was grateful to find she had the entire space to herself and enjoyed the rest of her of her free-time before arriving at the Great Room at 8:00 am.
"Good morning, I'm Dr. Salo, please call me Kenna."
Arizona looked into the blue eyes of the fair skinned red haired woman before her. They were around the same height, but Kenna had the body of a gymnast. She took her extended hand in greeting and was struck by the strength of her grip.
"Raye sent over your records yesterday and I had a chance to go over them, so I was thinking we could head over to my office and make a plan for the day. Sound good?"
Arizona smiled at the use of Dr. Eden's first name. She wondered how they knew each other, given the obvious age difference. "Sounds good," she replied.
"My office is over here," Kenna said and gently led the way to the side of the building.
Once there, she opened the door and stepped back to allow Arizona to enter. "Please, sit anywhere you like."
Arizona opted for the nearest seat.
Kenna took one opposite her and said, "Before we talk about the day, do you have any questions, or is there anything you need to feel at home?"
Arizona thought for a moment. She really didn't need anything. She didn't have any questions either, though she knew she would as the conversation progressed. "I'm good for now, thanks."
"Great," Kenna said slapping her palms on her knees. "Let's plan the day then, shall we? How about I offer you an outline of what a day at LW looks like, and then you can tell me if it sounds reasonable, or if you have other ideas?"
Arizona nodded and appreciated the flexibility.
"As your primary counselor, I have the wonderful role of bookend. This means I see you first thing in the morning and then again before dinner. Evenings are your own to journal and process the day's events. A typical day includes one activity after our morning session, a lunch break, an afternoon activity, and then we wrap up together back here in my office. Activities include equine therapy, art therapy, climbing therapy, EMDR, virtual simulation, yoga, meditation, and any kind of gym activity – which range from kick boxing, to weight lifting, to video enhanced mountain biking, and wall ball."
"Wow," Arizona said taking in all the options and noticing the physicality of many of them.
"May I make one suggestion?"
"Please."
"If you're interested in the equine program, we should get you started from day one and have your morning activities there."
"I'm definitely interested in equine therapy. When Dr. Eden first mentioned it, intuitively it seemed like a good fit."
"Great," Kenna said nodding excitedly. "Raye is a huge supporter of our program. Is there anything else you know you'd like to sign up for?"
"Actually, I like the idea of EMDR for flight anxiety."
"Wonderful. Gayle, our EMDR therapist is here all week. Do you mind if I make a complimentary suggestion, since you're open to EMDR?"
"Arizona nodded slowly, feeling a bit anxious about all she was about to undertake."
"I'd like to set up VS enhanced EMDR for at least two afternoons. I would work with you, and together we would work with our video enhancement expert."
"What does it involve?"
"Well, it begins with you describing the physical details of your experience; where you were, what the setting was like, if it was dark or light, etc. We use this information to replicate the scene. Then we add finer details, like what you remember happening around you, if there were levels of immediate danger or anything that stood out as significant. We then have you view the replication during EMDR to reprogram, through visual cues, and talk therapy, the way your brain reacts to the memories and stimulation. This is a noninvasive way to effectively balance the brains response to trauma and permits a wider range of responses to memories and triggers."
"Why the video enhancement piece?" Arizona asked, hearing the doctor in her.
"VS is simply a helpful tool that frees the mind from having to work too hard searching for details," Kenna replied."
Arizona felt a ping of anxiety around the idea of creating a virtual simulation of the crash and seeing herself pinned under debris. Softly, and quite vulnerably, she shared her concern.
In a soft and comforting voice, Kenna replied, "The anxiety you describe is actually a good thing as it makes the EMDR treatment that much more effective. You'll be in control of every moment and can say stop at any time. We can approach it whatever way is most comfortable for you, and you can be in charge of how detailed we get."
Arizona remembered Lauren having a very similar opinion of anxiety and agreed to give it a try.
Kenna leaned in and asked, "Have you considered signing up for a climbing session?"
"Uhm, no, I mean, not really. I'm not sure it's a good fit for me." Arizona said revealing vulnerability.
"Well, please don't rule it out. We've had many guests with injuries similar to yours have a great experience learning to climb."
"Yeah?"
"Absolutely! One of our former guests loved it so much he had a prosthetic made with a narrow foot that is perfect for climbing."
Arizona considered what it would be like to climb with a prosthetic. As a former runner, she had strong thighs that she knew would support her. As a mom, she had incredible upper body strength that she knew would also work to her advantage. Maybe a climbing session isn't a bad idea, she thought, and said, "Sure, why not!"
"Fabulous. Now I just need you to choose one more complimentary therapy and we're right as rain."
Arizona smiled at the expression and thought back to her experience in the sanctuary the night before and said, "I'd like to learn to meditate."
"Perfect! Tidje is a fabulous instructor. Shall we begin?"
"Absolutely," Arizona said, feeling ready.
Life Wellness, Day One
Arizona's first session with Kenna was relatively light. They spent time talking about life before the crash, being raised in a military family, how and why Arizona became a peds surgeon and coping strategies that worked specifically for her to reduce anxiety.
Equine therapy was the total opposite. It involved little or no verbal communication. Dahli, a beautiful brown mare with white markings would only approach someone whose energy was calm and inviting. Arizona was relieved when Dahli took an interest in her and even more grateful when she nuzzled to be petted. Making that happen took a lot of effort on Arizona's part, however. She couldn't pretend she was fine, or compartmentalize her fear, she had to self-regulate and truly be open with Dahli. Unfortunately, Arizona was quickly intimidated by her size, which caused her anxiety level to rise and Dahli to back away. Steven, her equine therapist said she did better than most on their first try.
Afternoon meditation was equally interesting. Learning from Tidje how to meditate was an experience Arizona would never forget. Tidje made dividing the in-breath into three separate actions exciting and magical, all at once. "Feel the sensation of the air as it enters your nostrils and tune in as your lungs expand to take in healing oxygen. After you've taken all you need, pause and feel the power of the entire Universe heal your body, mind and soul. Exhale when ready and release all tension and fear." For a brief second, Arizona felt like her lesson on meditation was a little too holistic. The feeling subsided the moment she felt exactly what Tidje described, however. Strength entered her body and tension left. She described the feeling to Kenna during their evening session, saying, "It was amazing. I simply let my fear, anger, and resentment go."
Kenna let Arizona know how important an observation she made. They spent the rest of their time discussing the impact anger has on a persons nervous system. Before they parted company, Arizona confessed to moments of anger so great that she couldn't stop herself from lashing out at those she loved. Kenna asked Arizona if she'd thought she needed to make amends, to which Arizona replied, "I don't know. I guess if I had one wish, I'd turn back time."
Kenna considered Arizona's statement carefully and asked Arizona to spend time that evening writing about what life was like right before the plane crash.
Journal Entry Day 1
I have now completed day 1 of my 5-day stay at Life Wellness. It was an amazing day. I enjoyed meeting Dahli and loved that she let me scratch her snout, even if it was only for a brief second. Tomorrow I will try again and if all goes well, I'll brush her. I know this will take a lot of self-regulating on my part, but it's worth it. It's fascinating how Dahli senses energy. Words can definitely mask feelings.
After dinner, I stopped by the sanctuary. I sat in a chair along the wall and had the place to myself for quite some time. It felt really good to clear my mind. After awhile, the young woman from last night came by. She brought freshly picked flowers and laid them on the alter before she took her seat by the window. I watched her settle onto a floor cushion and couldn't help but notice how still she was. I think she's been practicing meditation for a very long time, which is odd considering how young she is. Perhaps meditation has something to do with the quiet strength that seems to emanate from her.
Per Kenna's request, I'll finish by remembering life before the crash. Callie and I would still be trying to work through our differences and Mark would still be a huge part of the equation. Nick would have just gotten back to the States and he'd be suffering tremendously. Teddy would still be in Seattle, but she'd be in pain, also. Things would be complicated, just as they are now, only a different kind of complicated. I'd still be questioning whether Callie and I could pick up where we left off. Equally important, I'd still be trying to forgive her for not being more supportive of my work in Malawi. The pregnancy would still have been unplanned and I'd still be wondering why Callie didn't take precautions, unless having Mark's baby was part of her agenda from day one. Anyway, there's no point in trying to figure the pregnancy piece out now. I mean I know she thought we were over and it was her life and her choice, I get that. I didn't have a choice, however, and if I did, I would never have chosen Mark as a donor. So, when I think of turning back time, I need to be honest about my feelings back then. Everything wasn't as happy go lucky as one would think.
Okay, this needs to be enough for now. I don't want to feel sad or angry tonight; I want to feel proud of all I've accomplished today and of myself for taking this step forward.
Life Wellness, Day Two
Morning therapy began with Kenna asking Arizona about her writing exercise. In detail, Arizona went over every aspect of her journal entry. This led to a conversation about fundamental differences. Arizona explained that she has always been extremely driven and that she didn't believe a relationship should come between her and her career. "Certainly, there's a way to have both," she said. Then, at Kenna's prompting, Arizona described Callie as moderately career driven, extremely social, and a bit preoccupied with marriage, family, and friendships.
Equine therapy went very well. Arizona was able, for a brief time, to brush Dahli. She found it easier to stay open than it was the day before and knew something magical had happened. When finished, she stood near the edge of the fence and marveled at Dahli's beauty. She imagined what it would be like to live on a farm and smiled at the idea of seeing horses and chickens running around.
EMDR therapy didn't bring the same amount of enchantment, but it did have a huge impact. It was surprising to Arizona how easy EMDR actually was. All she had to do was share her feeling, open to the fear caused by the traumatic event, and receive bilateral stimulation. This was done though virtual simulation. Just by looking into a screen and holding onto an object shaped like a bow tie, Arizona experienced waiting in line at the airport, boarding a plane, taxying to the runway, lifting off, normal turbulence, and landing in another airport.
Evening therapy with Kenna circled back to their morning discussion around her unhappiness in her marriage before the crash. Nothing new was said, but the benefit of sharing feelings was reinforced. Her writing assignment was to dig deep and search for feelings she had, and still might need to share.
Journal Entry Day 2
Today was a packed day. Equine therapy and EMDR went well. Therapy went well, also. Kenna and I spoke at length about my decision to come back from Malawi. She asked me to dig deep for feelings that I haven't shared. I do have a few, but I feel like an ass for even bringing up the first one. I'm not sure I would ever say this to Callie, or whether I should, so I'll write it here and let it sit awhile. I'm extremely mad at her for being so obsessed with her phone conversation with Mark that day in the car that she removed her seatbelt and put herself and our unborn child in harms way. I've always believed that if she had been wearing it, she'd have sustained minor injuries, and nothing more. I've also spent a lot of time working through my part in the accident. While it was an accident, and nothing more, I've often blamed myself for paying more attention to Callie than the road.
The second feeling I've thought about sharing involves something I've never said to Callie, and it's something I think I should. I really would like to thank her for being the one person I've loved enough to marry and have a child with. In my heart, I truly believe, that if she and I were more alike, or handled crisis similarly, we'd have been able to share our feelings and communicate more effectively. This is not to say we can't learn to do so now, but I think the amount of crisis we've endured in our relationship has altered the way we love each other. Quiet frankly, it's been awhile since we were in love. This written, I do believe there's enough nonromantic love between us that we can at least figure out how to co-parent well. Ultimately, we both want the best for our daughter.
Life Wellness, Day 3
Arizona began her day with breakfast and a short walk before meeting Kenna. She'd slept well the night before and woke up ready to greet the day. She told Kenna about how well she'd slept and partially credited her time in the sanctuary for her peaceful state of mind. Without measuring words, she said, "I'm starting to think of myself as a survivor. Since I've been here, I've realized I'm not the only person who has had a life dream drastically altered in some way, shape, or form. I'm also starting to realize that we all experience some kind of adversity and it's how we respond to it that matters most."
Equine therapy was a bit more challenging. The session goal was to put a bridle on Dahli, which required Arizona to stand on a wooden bench. Naturally this made her anxious and so much so that she wasn't able to accomplish the task. She and Steven agreed that it was a reasonable goal and one worth trying again the following day.
Virtual simulation was also challenging. Even though Kenna was there, comforting and encouraging, just the act of describing the scene evoked strong emotions. It ended up taking the entire afternoon. When finally finished, Arizona told Kenna she didn't have it in her to end their day with a therapy session. Kenna agreed and made Arizona promise that if anytime throughout the evening she should need to talk, to let Alejandro know and she'd be there within the hour.
Journal Entry Day 3
Today was by far one of the most difficult days I've had here. I wasn't able to get a bridle on Dahli and I'm upset over why. I know I like to do things well, and I push myself to exceed. I also know I'm not easy on myself when I fail, though, as Steven says, I'm not supposed to look at what happened today as a failure. And, clearly, it's just one moment in time, but I was so proud of myself for having done so well at being calm around Dahli. Perhaps, if I could have reached her forehead without having to stand on the stool, I could have put the bridle on her. I'm always so afraid of losing my balance. It is just so exhausting. It's the same fear that I have in the operating room. I'm terrified that one day I'll be overly focused on a procedure and will lose my balance and fall to the floor and the patient will suffer because I forgot to pay attention to my footing.
Something else that was extremely difficult about today was describing the crash. I did my best to stay open, but it was incredibly difficult. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet, so there's not much I can write. I'm also feeling a bit tired and lonely tonight; which is a challenging combination. I promised myself that I'd make these five days about me, and I'm staying committed to my goal, but I'm also tempted to call Lauren and escape into her good nature. Again, I'm staying focused, and won't call, but I do need to say that I miss her.
Life Wellness, Day Four
Kenna used their morning meeting to highlight all that Arizona had accomplished at LW since she'd arrived. She also helped her prepare for her final EMDR session. Together they determined which coping strategies would be best for re-experiencing trauma.
Arizona carried a sense of empowerment to equine therapy and after several attempts to get the bridle on Dahli, succeeded. Everyone cheered, including Arizona. She noticed that her self-appreciation was genuine, and not forced. She also noticed that she was honoring her accomplishment from a place in her heart, rather than her mind. She had stood on a wooden bench, kept her balance and worked with Dahli to achieve her goal. This alone spoke volumes. Her days of trying to reclaim the woman she once was were over. She had arrived. Arizona Robbins was herself again.
Afternoon VS enhanced EMDR therapy went just, also. The process was much shorter than she thought and she ended up remembering and discussing things she hadn't thought of since the crash. The smell of dried blood and gasoline, the sound of a rock banging against steel, the rustling of animal in the nearby forest all became part of the therapeutic practice. When finished, she and Kenna sat silently, both basking in the fruits of their labor.
Journal Entry Day Four
I don't even know where to begin. I had the most amazing day. I mean, all of this has been incredibly difficult, and certainly I've had emotional ups and downs; and all throughout, it has been absolutely amazing. I feel the strongest I've felt since the crash. I've learned how to not compartmentalize my feelings and why it is important to share them. In my bones, I know the EMDR has already had a positive effect. Something is different. I can't explain exactly what, but it's just different-or I'm different. I can't believe I've spent so much time focusing on all that was wrong, when really there is so much around me that is right. I know my anger was all part of a grieving process, so I'm not going to shame myself over it; instead I'm going to consider it a stage and one that is behind me now.
Life Wellness, Day Five
The peds surgeon and trauma specialist spent the entire morning going over the way the brain processes trauma. Arizona couldn't help but smile as Kenna explained in great detail how the brain develops grooves that can be rewired with bilateral stimulation. Her features appeared more wise than young and Arizona realized they shared a drive for excellence.
Equine therapy involved leading Dahli across a fenced in area and over a large log. "Horses aren't fond of stepping over logs in general, unless led by someone they trust," Steven said. Arizona looked at Dahli and was relieved that her bridle was already on. Steven handed her the reins and squeezed her arm confidently. "Just center yourself and you'll be fine."
Arizona followed Steven's encouragement and was elated that Dahli traveled the entire length of the pasture without resistance and only hesitated slightly before stepping over the log. Arizona had sensed Dahli's hesitation in time to consciously offer comforting energy. The experience brought Arizona to tears. She was immersed in an energetic language that would open doors to communication forever.
Her final session of the day was just as rewarding. Arizona arrived to find the woman from the sanctuary awaiting her. It hadn't occurred to her that she might be staff. She was pleasantly surprised and equally grateful for the chance to have some sort of interaction.
"Hi, I'm Lael. It's nice to meet you," the smallish woman said softly.
Arizona smiled widely and looked deeply into dark pools of absolute gentleness. "Hi, I'm Arizona. It's nice to meet you, as well."
Lael held eye contact and inquired, "Have you ever climbed?"
"No, never."
"Any fear of heights to mention, or anxiety about wearing a harness?"
"No fear of heights, or wearing a harness, but I am a little nervous. I have a prosthetic under these linen pants I'm wearing and I'm kind of afraid I won't be able to support myself, or keep my balance."
"No worries," the young woman replied assuredly. "You'll be great. We can set a goal of how high you want to go, or we can follow a project, which is climber's word for path. You pick a project by following the colors of the foot and hand grips, also known as jibs."
Arizona scanned the wall and could see that there were indeed color coded paths. "Is there a beginner's project?" she asked.
Absolutely! It's marked in orange and is actually a really fun path. It's one of my favorites. Shall I show you how this works?"
"Please."
Lael stepped into her harness, teaching Arizona about the design and assuring her of the autobelay's safety. She gracefully and skillfully followed the orange path to the top, rang the bell, pushed off the wall with her feet, and descended to the floor.
Arizona took a deep breath as Lael walked toward her with a harness. She allowed the young woman to help her into it and was glad to hear her say, "There's two ways to approach a wall. One is to just start, and find your path as you go. Another is to study it from the ground and locate the area that will give you the most trouble and develop a plan for how to manage it."
Arizona liked the second approach best and took a step back to examine the big picture. She could see there was one area that would require her to take a wide side step and decided she could manage this by holding tightly with both hands. After a long while, she turned to Lael and said, "I'm ready."
"Wonderful! I'm right here if you need me."
Arizona approached the wall and told herself she could do this. The first few steps were easy. The jibs, as Lael called them, were wide and her shoes fit them perfectly. As she got higher, she had to reach further with her hands. She managed this well and cleared half the project before running into a glitch. By the time she needed to take her wide side step, adrenaline had kicked in. She could feel it surging through her veins, but instead of firing her up, it made her cautious. She told herself not to allow thoughts of her prosthetic to interfere-that the weight of her body and the way she was pressed against the wall would prevent it from slipping. Unfortunately, the thought persisted and ultimately overwhelmed her; leaving her frozen in place. She tried to look down, but couldn't. She wanted to call for help, but the words wouldn't come.
Lael, a trauma informed climber responded quickly. Without a sound, she ascended to Arizona's level and made direct eye contact. "You can do this," she said confidently. "Just breathe and when you're ready, take one large step toward me. That's all you have to do; just one large step, nothing more."
Arizona looked into the kind eyes of the young woman and felt a shared experience. She tightened her grip and took a step. With the front of her shoe, she caught the tip of the jig and instinctively used her core to secure her footing. She looked over and saw Lael grinning from ear to ear.
"You did it, Arizona. You did it. It's a cake-walk project from here, I promise."
Lael was right. Arizona scaled the entire rest of the wall without difficulty. She hadn't factored in what it might feel like to be at the top and ring the bell. Though she felt incredibly proud of what she'd accomplished, she also knew adrenaline had taken over, and as a result her entire body shook. She couldn't let go.
"It's okay, Arizona. The autobelay will support you. Just push off with your legs and let gravity do the rest," Lael said from below.
"I'm shaking too much."
"All the more reason to let go. Holding on is taking a toll."
Lael said the words Arizona needed to hear. Holding on was taking a toll, both metaphorically and physically. She needed to let go. She counted to three and pushed off, landing on her dominant leg and experiencing no pain.
At the bottom, Lael threw Arizona a high-five before helping her out of her harness.
Both women stood quietly looking at the wall before them. Nothing was said, but a bond was formed. Seeing Lael's burn wounds and knowing that she was a survivor who radiated strength and grace brought everything into perspective for Arizona.
Evening session with Kenna left Arizona feeling more joy and peace than she'd felt in years. They went over all the highs and lows of her five-day stay and Arizona felt her heart swell with gratitude.
Arizona's time at LW ended with a goodbye visit to Dahli and trip to the sanctuary. While walking from the stall to the stone yurt, she noticed a few wild flowers and followed Lael's lead. She entered quietly, removed her sandals at the door and walked directly to the alter. Before making her offering, she closed her eyes and gave thanks to whomever or whatever was listening. As she turned to go, something inside her said, at least take a peek out Lael's window. She acquiesced to her curiosity. What she found was a fantastic view of the ocean through the trees. She once again had the feeling that there was something out there waiting for her and new it would involve a certain amount of risk.
Before starting the engine, Arizona considered her options. She'd originally planned to spend the night in Big Sur and drive home in the morning. Now, she realized she had choices. She could drive well into the night and be home before sunrise, or she could impulsively try out her recent EMDR flight therapy and catch a plane to North Carolina and invite Lauren to a late dinner. She used her phone to check flight times and found one that would put her in Ashville by 8:00 pm. It would have her back in Southern Cali by midnight, given the time difference, and this seemed doable. She closed her eyes and paid attention to her feelings. She would make her decision based on what she felt was best in the moment.
To Be Continued in Chapter 14
(Thanks for reading. Arizona's choice will be revealed at the beginning of the next chapter. This was a hard piece to write and I didn't have a lot of time to edit. I opted to get it to you sooner, rather than later, and will edit it once again in a few days. Now, I'm off for a lovely Pride Weekend. Yay! Congratulation to everyone celebrating the dismantling of DOMA! What a week!)
All my best, Askait