Aftermath, Chapter 14 – Impulsivity
I do not own these characters. They belong to Grey's Anatomy and Co.
Journal Entry, Day 5
Life Wellness was absolutely amazing. I feel stronger than I've felt in years. Yes, there are many challenges ahead, but I feel ready to take them on. When I get back to Seattle, I'm going to hire an attorney who specializes in same-gender divorce and child custody. Callie and I have a number of investments we're going to need to separate, as well. I'll let a professional take care of this. I need to spend my energy maintaining the peace and wellness I've gained over the past five days. I also need to focus on what little time I have with Sofia, when I have it, and enjoy being her mom.
As for this very moment? I'm writing this journal entry while on a flight to North Carolina. I can't believe I'm actually on a plane again. I'm definitely a new believer in EMDR therapy. My flight anxiety is literally gone. I can't remember flying ever being this easy. It is one less barrier to factor into building a Peds Clinic in Syria. It is also one less pressure! If I've learned anything these past four months it's that all the compartmentalizing, keeping things in and maintaining control wreaks havoc on my nervous system.
On other fronts? I'm excited to see Lauren again. I'm so glad she is free to meet for a glass of wine tonight. I know flying to NC was an extremely impulsive decision, but it's not always a bad thing to act on impulses, right? From this point forward, my new motto needs to be, live in the moment! I just need to be mindful of the consequences; and seriously, what horrible consequence could stem from a roundtrip flight to North Carolina and spending time with a woman whose company I absolutely enjoy?
Lauren felt intense excitement over what had just transpired. For a brief second, she thought her mind was playing tricks on her. She picked up her phone to reread the text exchange between herself and Arizona. She beamed as she read each line.
Hi, Stranger. Feeling impulsive?
Hey you! Of course! What are you thinking?
I'm looking at round-trips to NC this evening and wonder if you're free for a glass of wine?
Seriously?
Yes.
Absolutely!
Wonderful! I'll arrive on Delta SE448.
Seriously?
Yes.
Fantastic! I'll meet you at the gate.
Yay! See you soon(ly).
:) Soon(ly).
Arizona felt Lauren's presence before she actually saw her standing by the gate. She closed the distance between them and examined every inch of the lithe strawberry blonde as she approached.
Lauren felt her breath hitch the instant she saw the gorgeous blonde exit the jet way. She matched Arizona's smile with her own and contemplated the impulsivity of her decision to fly in for the evening. Examining every inch the curvaceous Goddess walking toward her, she detected a new confidence in her stride. It was something she hadn't seen before, at least not to this degree.
Arizona loved that Lauren was dressed in well-worn jeans, square-toed yet feminine boots donned by a lot of Southern women, and a midnight blue button-up. She took in the way Lauren's unbuttoned button provided a seductive glimpse of cleavage and clear view of perfectly arched collarbones. Just when Arizona thought she couldn't feel more inundated by sexual attraction, she was wrong. All it took was for Lauren to say, "Hey, you." with a slight rasp and subtle drawl and Arizona was done. Her body literally reacted to Lauren's timbre and cadence. As she stepped into her open arms, she once again felt utterly swept away by their connection.
"Hey, yourself," she said holding Lauren close. She took her time and focused on the sensation of the fronts of their thighs touching. She let her mind slip back to that night in the On-Call room and the intensity of their sexual encounter. Her body shook involuntarily, giving away her thoughts. She was grateful to feel Lauren's grip tighten in response. She let the language of their bodies converse a few seconds more; then partially released her lithe lover by stepping away slightly, but leaving one hand on her bicep.
Lauren looked deeply into Arizona's eyes and smiled. Something about the talented peds surgeon seemed different. She seemed stronger, somehow. Without hesitation she husked, "I've missed you."
Arizona heard the steady rasp in Lauren's voice and wondered it she was tired. "I've missed you too," she replied softly.
"I can't believe you're here," Lauren said her face mirroring the sentiment of her words.
"Yeah, that's a bit of a story," Arizona replied realizing there was a world of activity around them. "Shall we find a quiet place to talk?"
"Sure," Lauren answered enthusiastically. "I know the perfect place. It's bizarre but we actually have a great wine venue right upstairs."
"Lead the way," Arizona said with the wave of her hand.
Upon reaching their destination, Lauren ordered two glasses of wine at the bar while Arizona settled into a booth by a wall of glass. She looked past the airport activity to the landscape and ridges upon the horizon. She wondered what Lauren would think of her decision to admit herself into a five-day inpatient trauma rehabilitation program. She made a mental note of all she wanted to discuss; her time in Big Sur being only one aspect.
"Here you go," Lauren said sliding an extremely full glass of red by its base toward Arizona. She settled into the booth opposite the woman who flew across the entire country and placed her palms flat on the table, one on each side of her equally full glass.
Arizona stared at Lauren's long lean fingers and contemplated the rasp she'd heard come from her lover's vocal cords. It occurred to her that she was discovering a tell about Lauren; one that caused a sympathetic ache in her being. She discreetly studied her features and identified what she suspected was weariness and a hint of sadness. Quietly and concernedly she asked, "How are you?"
Lauren heard the hint of disquiet in Arizona's voice. She assumed her tired features and raspy vocals had given away the difficult night she'd had. She didn't mind sharing with Arizona what she had been through, but was more interested in her reason for flying in. She let curiosity take center stage and with a smitten kitten look upon her face answered, "All good, Dr. Robbins. Now do tell, what brings you to Ashville, North Carolina?"
Feeling her face flush, Arizona answered honestly, "Two reasons, actually. One, I'm testing out a post EMDR flying treatment, and two, I wanted to see you." As Arizona finished with the second part of her sentence, she placed her palms flat on the table, mimicking Lauren's, and slid them until their fingertips touched. She left them there for several seconds before sliding back again and taking a sip of wine.
Lauren was open to the physical contact and thought she felt some kind of electricity emitting from Arizona's hands. She considered her disclosure and felt flattered. She then pondered her mention of EMDR therapy and how brave it was of her to fly again. They had never spoken of the crash, but Lauren gathered enough information to believe Arizona hadn't been on a plane since. With absolute sincerity she said, "That's fantastic, Arizona! Seriously. Good for you for choosing EMDR! It's a wonderfully noninvasive option." She wanted to ask questions, but decided to wait for more. She trusted that if Arizona wanted to share details, she would.
Sensing an opportunity to continue, Arizona took a long slow sip of wine, followed her action with a deep breath and settled in. Once ready, she quietly and confidently said, "I've just spent five days in a trauma rehab center on the coast of California."
Lauren raised an eyebrow and ardently inquired, "Life Wellness in Big Sur?"
Something about the tone of Lauren's voice prompted Arizona to ask, "Are you familiar?"
"I am, actually. Very familiar."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah, remember when I told you my mom specialized in brain development?"
"Uh hmm."
"Well much of her early work took place in trauma centers around the world and Life Wellness was one of them."
Arizona paused. For the first time she wondered if she and Lauren were destined to cross paths. She wasn't the type of person to question such things, but something about this connection seemed noteworthy. Without measuring words she said, "What an amazing coincidence."
"Yeah," Lauren said nodding. "I spent a weekend there in my early teens. My mom often brought me along with her to consultations. I remember there being beautiful horses and breathtaking oceanic views."
"Still are, horses and views that is," Arizona replied while recalling her time with Dahli and the scene from Lael's window. "I enrolled in their equine therapy program, actually. It was everything I needed, and more."
Lauren suddenly understood why Arizona seemed so much stronger. She was stronger. Her heart swelled with joy for the woman who moved her id and essence. She leaned across the table and placed her hand over Arizona's and with insurmountable sincerity said, "You seem like you're doing really well, Arizona. I'm so happy for you."
Arizona nodded and let the authenticity of Lauren's sincerity fill her soul. She loved that from the moment they met, Lauren made her feel powerful and desirable. Without hesitation she said, "I also participated in virtual simulation therapy and did a lot of work surrounding residual trauma."
Lauren understood the importance of Arizona's disclosure. Other than the panic attacks, they had never discussed the aftermath of the crash or the amputation. She reached over and lightly caressed the top of Arizona's hand with her thumb and whispered, "I can imagine it was a difficult process."
"It was, but it was rewarding too. I'm impressed with both the EMDR and video simulation therapies available today. I'm equally impressed with Life Wellness and would recommend it highly to anyone suffering PTSD."
Once again Lauren recognized the significance of Arizona's words. She made soft eye contact and with a steady rasp said, "I really appreciate you sharing this with me. I've thought a lot about how much you've been through over the past year and am so impressed at how well you've managed."
"You're the one person who isn't a paid professional who knows the intimate details of my recovery process. It just seems right to share this with you, especially considering the meltdown I had the last time we were together."
Lauren sensed Arizona insecurity over having shown so much vulnerability that night in her hotel room. She wanted her to know that her panic attack wasn't a sign of weakness. She measured her words carefully before saying, "Arizona, you are an extraordinary person and it was a privilege and an honor to be there for you. It took incredible strength to let someone in like you did that evening."
Arizona felt a flood of emotions surge through her entire being. She had let Lauren see the most vulnerable part of herself and she truly had let her in. She wasn't sure if she could have hidden her anxiety from Lauren that evening, no matter how hard she tried, and was glad she didn't. It suddenly occurred to her that talking about her Seattle meltdown was the last thing she wanted to to do in North Carolina. It's time to leave the past in the past, she told herself and changed the subject. "Okay, seriously, enough about me. Tell me about your week. I get the feeling something happened."
Lauren thought back to their first date and remembered Arizona calling her out for asking questions rather than answering them. She wasn't fond of talking about the specifics of youth victim reconstructive surgery, but surrendered to the intuitive Peds surgeon sitting across from her. If anyone would understand the gravity of the situation, Dr. Arizona Robbins would. She took a slow pull from her glass before vulnerably offering; "I was on call with HELP Now last night and performed reconstructive surgery on a teenage girl who suffered multiple facial fractures, missing teeth, a dislocated jaw, a dislocated shoulder and two broken ribs."
Arizona instantly grasped the magnitude of such a particular combination of injuries and could tell Lauren was deeply affected. She intertwined her fingers, leaned forward, brought her thumbs to her lips, and rested heavily upon her elbows. Nodding slowly, she indicated that she understood and let her body language and soft glance communicate her empathy over what she knew in her bones would have been a difficult procedure.
Lauren met Arizona's glance and held it gently for several moments before continuing. "I worked with another surgeon who focused on her shoulder and ribs. He noticed multiple uniform cuts along the insides of her forearms and a few that were recent, so we had to add self-injurious behavior to the CPS report. They would likely see her wounds in an interview anyway, but there's always the larger picture to consider. When they ask her about cutting, there's a chance she will feel shame or blame, which will probably cause her to shut down and/or distrust the system. CPS could choose, for her own safety, to institutionalize her. This is something I really struggle with. In my opinion, a psych ward is no place for a recent victim of violence. Please don't get me wrong, I'm all for intervention, but I want it done in trauma informed way. The last thing she needs right now is to feel trapped, especially when what brought her in was an assault, not SIB."
Arizona contemplated Lauren's awareness. Getting to know her better highlighted her complexity and humanitarianism. She unlaced her hands, placed them in a prayer position, leaned in further and said, "You're an amazing woman, Dr. Boswell."
Lauren felt blood rush to her face and said, "I'm just trying to do my part, that's all, but thank you."
"I'm serious Lauren. It takes a very special person to do what you do. Not a lot of docs are of service like you are, let alone willing to focus energy on the most vulnerable among us."
Lauren opened herself to Arizona's encomium and let her in. "It's a life changing experience, no doubt, but I'm the one who benefits. It's true what they say about giving."
Arizona smiled, knowing Lauren was right. "Are you going to see her again or will a primary take over?"
"She's on a state plan, so she'll have whatever provider is available, but I'll look in on her on my own time. I was thinking I might stop by after I leave here. They have her on some pretty hefty pain meds, and she'll likely be asleep, but I want to see how her wounds are healing. It would be a shame for her to be reminded of the attack every time she looked into a mirror."
Arizona's heart quickened as she recognized Lauren's compassion for others. She took another sip of wine and watched as Lauren visibly shook off the memory of last night's surgery.
"Alright now, enough of the heavy, at least for a little bit, okay? I'm sure there are more pleasurable things we can discuss," Lauren husked flirtatiously.
Arizona raised and eyebrow and titled her head seductively. She appreciated Laurel's phrasing. Admittedly, a large segment of their relationship was based on heaviness, but there were other aspects too, sensuality being one of the high points. "Hmmm, it's too bad we're not alone," she whispered and teased.
Lauren released a slow throaty moan of pleasure indicating she knew exactly what Arizona meant. She too wished for a modicum of privacy. She checked the reflection in the glass behind Arizona's head and could see three men and one woman at the bar. She was fairly certain the bartender was a sister and wasn't worried about drawing her attention, but couldn't trust that the guys would mind their own business if she were to slide into the booth next to her lover and kiss her senseless. She shoved thoughts of Arizona's perfectly shaped mouth aside for the moment and dryly asked, "What about Syria? I know it's heavy, but we really do need to discuss Dr. Avery's proposal before we meet with him next week."
Arizona sighed deeply and put her playfulness in a temporary time-out. Syria was on her list of things she'd hoped to discuss with Lauren that evening, anyway. She considered options and made an offer; "How about we talk about the basics of his proposal and if it feels too heavy, we stop?"
"Deal," Lauren replied and made a hand gesture indicating Arizona should start.
"So, I need to be perfectly honest. The mom in me has reservations about taking on a field position for an extended period of time. I'm not opposed to the training piece, if it could be managed in short increments, but being away from Sofia for months at a time is not an option for me."
"Completely understandable," Lauren said tapping her fingers on the table. There is definitely a level of risk involved and I get not wanting to be away from your daughter. I've been giving this a lot of thought myself and wonder if there is a way to include Doctors Without Borders. It might make sense to employ trainers who have experience working in warzones."
"Bringing DWB in is a good idea, especially if we add our level of skill to their field experience. The hospital currently works with an INGO and we try to take this approach, but funds are often tied up at higher levels and for extended periods of time; which is a huge part of Dr. Avery's motivation for creating a more viable option. Having his mother's foundation on board is key, as she can financially back DWB independent of international regs; regs that quite frankly complicate matters in ways they shouldn't."
"Do you think Dr. Avery would be on board? He seemed pretty focused on the hospital playing a larger role."
"Well, he's interested in learning about the structure I set up in Malawi, which is similar to what you describe. I know his vision includes the hospital creating a sister clinic, but I think once he runs numbers and hears back from the experts, he'll reassess. That's usually the case with any kind of international aid effort. We start as idealists and become realists. Plus, Dr. Avery is the type to overturn every stone, so I think he'll be open to suggestions."
Lauren found the Executive Director in Arizona Robbins incredibly attractive. She couldn't help but feel turned on by her administrative power and intellect. While she wasn't sure she'd ever agree to a position where Arizona was her boss, she was mesmerized by her alpha female energy in the moment.
Arizona noticed the way Lauren was looking at her. She smiled seductively and narrowed her eyes just enough to let Lauren know her thoughts were obvious.
Lauren realized Arizona was on to her and bit her bottom lip. Like a child caught with her hand in a cookie jar she said, "Sorry, your gigantic brain is a huge turn on for me right now."
Arizona laughed and took in the way Lauren's rasp shifted from weary to sensual. Realizing Lauren truly was aroused by her intellect caused Arizona to bite her own lip in response. She surrendered to the moment and her desire to undress Lauren with her eyes.
Lauren knew exactly what Arizona was doing and collaborated by wrapping her long lean fingers around her wine glass and taking it with her as she gracefully made herself comfortable by pressing her back into the booth.
Without breaking eye contact, Arizona ran her fingertip along the edge of her glass before taking a long slow pull. She savored the earthy peppery taste on her tongue and let it linger before swallowing. She imagined licking sweet summer sweat from Lauren's long beautiful neck and lapping pools of spilled wine from the deep crevices above her collarbones.
Lauren noticed the muscles in Arizona's neck move as she swallowed. Her mind wandered back to that morning in her hotel room when she muffled the sounds of her own pleasure by assertively pressing her lips into the tender flesh of Arizona's shoulder. Energy surged to her core. Seeking relief, she lifted one knee to her chest and parted her legs slightly.
Noticing Lauren's subtle movement, Arizona felt pleased. She took great pleasure in the fact that the gorgeous Southerner was willing to engage in a public sexual exchange sans touch. From where she sat, she could see the length of Lauren's long calf muscle and let her mind drift back to the afternoon when she returned soaking wet from her run. The memory of her flexed tibialis and femoris muscles brought to mind the instant she gained intimate knowledge of Lauren's physical strength. The thought of Lauren using her strong physique to grind her center into Arizona's caused her face to flush.
Seeing Arizona's delicate skin change from silky white to unctuous pink stirred Lauren's psyche. She considered inviting Arizona to the nearest women's restroom and then thought better of it. If eye sex was what Arizona wanted, eye sex is what she'd give. She inhaled slowly and imagined pressing the gorgeous blondes entire body into the glass wall behind her, sliding one hand up her snug fitting V-neck and assertively unbuckling her intriguingly masculine belt with the other. She knew she'd find a feminine laced bra underneath the soft fabric of her shirt and warm wet panties inside her flattering stretch denims. She was about to drop to her knees and kiss her way to her lover's sex when Arizona said, "God, you are good at this."
Lauren chortled and replied, "We are good at this, Arizona Robbins; WE are. This is a combined energy thing that happens between us."
"Yeah, I know what you mean," Arizona whispered.
Lauren reached her long leg across the table, touched the side of Arizona's foot with her own and said, "At some point, we need to talk about the intensity of our sexual connection. It doesn't have to be now, but I'd like to before we get alone in a room together again. We have a tendency to get swept away, which I'm fine with personally, but I need you to be fine with, as well."
Arizona knew exactly what Lauren was saying. Without hesitation she replied, "Yeah, I've been thinking about the whole taking things slow bid that I made. I'm not sure I'm in the same place today, as I was then. I mean, I feel incredibly strong and clear right now and the thought of being overwhelmed by our sexual attraction isn't as scary to me as it once was."
Lauren smiled and nodded slowly. She then looked deeply into Arizona's piercingly blue eyes and offered, "That's good to hear, because the one thing I can't seem to do around you is tamper my desire."
Arizona thought back to the days when all she and Lauren were guilty of was harmless flirtation. She realized her time at LW brought her no closer to knowing the actual reason she was unfaithful to her spouse. It suddenly occurred to her that perhaps she didn't need to know. It was what it was. She vowed, right then and there to leave the past in the past and quit searching for an answer. Lauren raised an important topic, however, and one she wanted to expound upon. Quietly she admitted, "Before I was married, I dated a lot of women. I wasn't a player, as they say, because it wasn't all about sex, but it was nice on those rare occasions when someone I dated kept sex and emotions separate. Back then, I needed things to be simple so that I could maintain my independence. I think you and I are similar in that we both crave sexual intimacy, yet need a high level of emotional freedom."
Lauren took time to consider her response before confessing, "Yes, I think we're alike in this way. I prioritize autonomy in any relationship I'm in and find it difficult to date women who do not differentiate between sexual intimacy and love. I don't think that make me less emotional in any way, but I tend to compartmentalize my feelings in a way I don't with sex."
Arizona raised her glass and said, "Cheers to our similarities."
Lauren brought her glass to Arizona's and drained it of its content before speaking from her heart. "I need you to know that my attraction for you is different from what I've experienced in the past. That night in the NICU, when I told you how much I liked you, I shared a deep truth. After, when I left and kept my distance, I found myself thinking about you constantly. I realized that I liked you a little more than I should have, given the circumstances at the time. It took me awhile to adjust to the feeling of missing you all those months. I say this not because I want you to reciprocate my feelings, but because I don't want to be in a position where I'm forced to stay away again. I think we should make a deal that if you start to feel overwhelmed by our sexual connection, you'll let me know. The more we get to know each other, the greater the chances of getting hurt. I don't want this to happen and certainly not because of a breakdown in communication."
Arizona fully understood Lauren's request and why she made it. She was capable of hiding many things and Lauren knew this. Arizona also knew to be careful making promises. She measured her words carefully and said, "I'm still sorting through a lot of what happened in my marriage, just as I'm learning all over again how to navigate the world around me. I don't have a lot of answers yet, but I do know one thing and that's this: I find it quite easy to share my feelings with you and I will do my best to communicate openly as we move forward."
Lauren titled her head and smiled, "I can't ask for more than that. Thank you."
Arizona was about to make a request of her own when her phone vibrated. She'd set an alarm to go off twenty minutes before her flight was scheduled to board, just in case they lost track of time. She pulled the vibrating object from her pocket and said, "I can't believe how quickly this evening has gone by!"
Lauren looked visibly disappointed and refrained from sharing her wish that Arizona could stay the night.
Feeling assertive, Arizona lifted herself from the booth and took Lauren by the hand. She craved a goodbye that involved more intimacy than the wine venue would allow. She led them toward the stairs and searched for a quiet place along the way where they could have a few minutes alone. It didn't take long for her to find the perfect spot.
Lauren smiled as Arizona pulled her into a dark cubical that probably once served as a video arcade, but now housed vending machines filled with corn syrup and fried starch.
Arizona led Lauren to the back of the room, slid her fingers into the front pockets of Lauren's jeans and simultaneously pulled her forward as she backed herself against the wall.
That they were in the exact same position Lauren fantasized about earlier did not escape her. She inhaled deeply, placed a hand on each side of Arizona's face and smiled tenderly before bringing her lips to hers. She tasted wine, peppermint flavored gloss and something uniquely Arizona. She kissed her slowly and meaningfully, savoring every sensation.
Arizona focused on the softness of Lauren's lips and welcomed her explorative tongue. Lauren's delicate oral ministrations caused a throaty moan to escape her being and she felt blood rush to her core. She tugged assertively at Lauren's jean pockets and disappeared all space between their bodies.
Lauren's shuttered at the sound of Arizona's husky moan. She felt sexual heat and physical need rise between them yet remained mindful of where they were and what time it was.
Arizona felt Lauren's control over the situation and was relieved. They were in a public space, after all. She relaxed into the kiss and ran her palms up and down Lauren's defined forearms.
Lauren was glad Arizona had removed her hands from her pockets. The sensation of her fingertips that close to her already swollen clit was making it difficult for her to maintain control.
Arizona took in every sensation available to her. Lauren's taste and smell, Lauren's softness and strength; Lauren's confident touch and presence of mind; Lauren's restraint and openness. Tearing herself away was not easy, but she did so gracefully and just in time to arrive at her gate before boarding calls.
Lauren watched as Arizona disappeared down the jet way. She could still feel the sensation of her body pressed against Arizona's and smiled outwardly as her lover's pleasure-filled throaty moan resounded in her head. She inhaled deeply and felt amazed by the impulsive, intuitive and delightfully curvaceous blonde Goddess who surprised her by flying in for a glass of wine.