I See You
Chapter 12
What was Liv asking? Did she want a relationship? A one night stand? A casual fling? She didn't know if she wanted or was ready for any of that. What was going on?
"What do you want?" Amanda was startled to hear her own voice. She had said it out loud insead of mentally but now it was out in the open and maybe that was for the best.
Liv thought for a moment before answering. "I like you, Amanda. I know we've had some... issues before but that never changed the fact that you're a good person and a good detective. I find you... very attractive, you're kind, you're smart and funny. You have a good heart and a good head on your shoulders. I like working with you and, even though we haven't spent that much time together outside of work, I have really enjoyed your company during those times."
Amanda was listening carefully to what her boss was telling her. She had no idea that her sargeant felt that way about her. It was like Liv was describing herself and not her. She had always looked up to Liv and had always admired her. They had a few things in common like, thriller movies, trying new restaurants and food to explore and of course their job. They were both equally deticated when it came to justice and putting perps behind bars. A mutual understanding when it came to victims and delicate cases.
The blonde was shocked to find out that Liv thought about her in that way. Never, in her wildest dreams, did she think that Olivia could like her in a sexual and romantic way. It confused her to no end. She opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out, lost for words.
Liv placed a hand on Amanda's lower back. "I need to know if there's anything between us that's worth pursuing. I'd like to give it, us, a try and see where it goes. We'll take it slow, there's no rush at all. We can just go out together for food, drinks or a movie and just enjoy each other's company and see where it takes us. Is that something you'd be willing to try?"
Swallowing nervously Amanda slowly nodded, not yet trusting her voice but realising that Olivia would probably want an audible response. "Y... yeah. Yeah, um, sure. I'd like that... I think." she chuckled at herself for her stuttering and uncertainty.
Smiling Liv stood up and held her hand out for the blonde to take. "Come on, your breakfast is in the microwave waiting for you."
After Amanda had finished her breakfast, Olivia had managed to talk the blonde into taking a short walk with Noah. Liv had arranged for Lucy to drop him off at Amanda's with a bag of necessities. The little boy smiled shyly as he laid his eyes on the blonde. They had met many times before and Noah seemed to like playin and messing around with her. He was always a bit shy at the start but would soon warm up to her and run circles around her and his mother.
The air was clear and crisp. It felt good to get out of the apartment for a while. She was beginning to get cabin fever alrady. She didn't know how long she would last being cooped up at home. At least at work she had no choice but to keep her mind occupied and busy. At home, between four walls, there was not much she could do to stop the thoughts from running wild.
As expected, Noah soon lost his shyness and was beginning to loosen up. He would look up at Amanda with his big brown eyes and give her a cheeky grin that showed off all of his little teeth. "He really likes you, Amanda." Liv stated happily, content by watching her son open up more and seem to be at ease in the blonde's company.
Blushing Amanda watched as the little boy ran ahead of the two to hide behind a tree that was situated in the park they were in. "I like him too. You've done a great job with him, sarge. He seems really happy." her hand went unconsciously to rest upon her belly, hoping she could provide the same joy and health to her baby girl.
Liv chuckled. "I think he's the one that made me happy. It's hard to picture my life without him in it. I'm the lucky one." she paused before continuing. "By the way, I think it's time for you to stop calling me sarge, at least outside of work. Don't you think?"
"Well, what do you want me to call you then? Benson? Olivia? Liv? Mama Bear?" she chuckled at the last suggestion, knowing that Liv would get the joke from a previous case they had worked on together with the Chicago PD.
Laughing out loud Olivia looked over at the smaller woman and saw her blue eyes sparkle in the afternoon sun. "Whatever works for you, Goldie Locks." Liv mused as she kept a watchful eye on her son's whereabouts.
Amanda raised an eyebrow. "Goldie Locks, uh?"
"Yup, if I'm gonna be one of the bears the least you can do is play the part of Goldie Locks." she winked at the blonde making her blush.
They walked around for an hour. Noah was running around the trees and bushes playing hide and seek with Amanda until Liv noticed a tired look on her face. "Noah baby, it's time to jead back sweetie. We don't have as much energy as you my little man. Besides Amanda is suppose to take it easy. She's got a boo boo." Liv explained to her son.
Noah widened his eyes. "Boo boo?" he said, looking at his mother for confirmation.
"Yeah baby, a boo boo. She's got two boo boos, one on her shoulder and one on her side." Liv pointed to where the injuries were located to make him understand that he had to be gentle.
"Mama kiss better?" he asked innocenly. Everytime he had hurt himself Liv would always kiss it better and it always worked.
Liv tried not to laugh at her sons comment but she couldn't help a grin from spreading across her lips. Amanda raised her eyebrows at the brunette before she carefully crutches down to the same level as the litle boy. "Why don't you give me a little kiss on the cheek? I think that that would make my boo boo almost disappear completely. Wanna give it a try?"
Noah nodded eagerly and placed a sloppy kiss on the blonde's cheek. Then he pulled back and looked intensely at her, as if a dramatic change was about to happen. "Wow," Amanda stated, "you must have got some magic in you to make my hurt all better. Thanks buddy." she ruffled his hair, stood up and faced Liv who was grinning at the two. "What?" Amanda asked.
"That was just the cutest thing. You just made him feel very special. Thank you." smiling she placed a hand on Amanda's lower back as they headed back to her apartment. They were all a bit chilly after spening some time outside in the nippy air so Amanda got busy making them some tea and a hot chocolate for Noah to warm up. Spending this time with Olivia and her son made Amanda feel more at ease and a sense of calm. For the first time, since she had found out she was pregnant, she felt confident that she could do this. After watching her boss interact with Noah made her feel positively reassured and certain that having this baby was the right thing to do and that everything would be okay.
Being quite self conscious and unsure about herself, it didn't take long before those thoughts and feelings turned cold and slowly evaporate. Troubled by her mixed and sudden turn of her emotions, she must have stopped dead in her tracks, standing by the sink and looking down into two empty mugs. It wasn't until Liv placed a hand on her shoulder that she eventually snapped out of it, flinching at the sudden contact. "You okay?"
Taking a deep breath Amanda offered her a smile that didn't quite reached her eyes and immediately filled the cups with the steaming water, watching as it changed colour due to the herbal tea. "Yeah, fine." she simply said, not even believing herself.
The brunette's hand remained on her shoulder, giving it a gentle tug to make her turn towards her, making eye contact. "Don't do that, Amanda." Liv gently requested. "You've come this far, honey. Don't shut me out, don't shut yourself out. What are you thinking?" she helped the blonde over to the couch and they both sat down watching Noah play with a couple of dinosaurs on the floor that Lucy had thoughtfully thrown into his bag.
Amanda could feel herself tearing up again and angrily attempted to brush them away, rolling her eyes for being so weak and emotional. Liv grabbed her hand before it could reach the salty drops. "Let them fall." the older woman soothed. She didn't like that Amanda tried to shy away and be embarrassed because of showing emotion.
The blonde took a deep shaky breath. "I... I'm scared." she admitted softly. "One minute I think I can do this and the next..." she shook her head sadly and turned her head slightly away from Olivia so she wouldn't see the fresh round of tears. "the next minute I feel like a joke, useless and inadequate and that I haven't a clue what I'm doing."
Liv gently turned Amanda's head towards her and saw the tears brimming in her eyes and her bottom lip quivering slightly. "Oh sweetheart. It's okay, that's okay." she softly wiped at the wet cheeks and brused a stray lock beind Amanda's ear. "I felt very similar to what you're feeling now when I got Noah."
"You did?" Amanda asked surprised looking into Olivia's eyes to see if she was telling the truth or not.
"I did. For a long time I struggled with my feelings and I couldn't believe that he was mine. I felt invincible one moment and like a failure the next. I didn't know how much a child could change your life in such a dramatic way but it happened. Every time he fell, scraped his knee or got sick I was terrified and thinking I was a bad mother for letting that happen, but do you know what?" she kept wiping away the tears as they silently fell down Amanda's face.
The blonde sniffled and shook her head in response. "What?" she asked in an almost childlike voice.
Smiling Liv placed a kiss on her forehead. "It happens. It will always happen. It doesn't matter how good of a mother you are, your child is gonna get sick, hurt themselves and fall, it's inevitable. All we can do is out best and your child will thank you for it one day. With the bad comes good and there's so much good Amanda. It outweighs the bad in a heartbeat and you will find yourself looking at your child thinking how lucky you are to have her."
Olivia cupped the blonde's face between her strong and warm hands, looking her dead in the eyes. "You, Amanda Rollins, will make this child so happy. You will make an excellent mother."
Hearing those words coming from the woman in front of her made her even more emotional but this time in a good way. A sb escaped her lips and the floodgates opened once more. Again, she turned into a sobbing mess in Olivia's company and she hated herself for it. She tried to calm herself and apologize for her behavior but the lump in her throat made it almost impossible to speak. "I'm... I'm sorry, I... I'm crying... again." she sobbed.
Liv pulled her into her arms, leaned back against the cushions behind her and held on tight onto the woman she had come to care for so much. "It's alright, sweetness. You can cry all you want, I'm right here with you and I'm not letting go." she soothed, trying to bring Amanda down from her panic ridden state. "Shh, it's okay."
Noah got up from the floor and tentatively made his way over to the two. When he reached the sofa he pointed at Amanda and stuck out his lower lip, pouting. "Boo boo?" he asked, looking between the two women, wondering why the pretty blonde was crying.
They both couldn't help but to chuckle at the innocent question. "Yeah, buddy. Amanda has got a boo boo." Liv said and placed a kiss on the blonde tresses.
Noah watched his mother's actions. Carefully the little boy climbed into Olivia's lap, reached over and placed a kiss on the very same spot his mother had done only seconds ago. The gentle and innocent action made Amanda's heart swell and she couldn't help but to think what a great little boy Olivia had raised.
Amanda smiled through her tears. "Thank you Noah. That made it all better." she said and ruffled his hair gently.
Happy with his achievement the toddler jumped back down onto the floor and resumed his play of dinosaur fighting. They watched him play for awhile in silence, just enjoying his interaction with the toys and the noises he made while playing with them. Amanda suddenly realised that she was still wrapped up in the arms of the brunette and that she quite enjoyed it. It felt soothing and calm, almost like some kind of stillness that swept over her and made all her worries disappear for awhile and it felt good. So so good.