Three and a half months later

The aftermath – Chapter 15, Transition

I do not own these characters. They belong to Grey's Anatomy and Shonda Rhimes. Actually, strike that, Dr. Streifland belongs to me.

Arizona awoke to the sound of her alarm. She'd set it to go off an hour earlier than usual. Her intent was to pay homage to the day by writing in her journal. It wasn't a day that held significant meaning to others. It wasn't a national holiday or anyone's birthday, but it was a day that meant a great deal to her, as a woman and as a survivor of a near-death plane crash. Exactly one hundred days earlier, Dr. Arizona Robbins had finished a five-day inpatient stay at Life Wellness Trauma Center in Big Sur, took a round trip flight to North Carolina, and reclaimed a personal power she thought was lost to her forever.

Padding softly toward the kitchen, Arizona noticed the quality of light entering the West facing windows of her apartment. Another extreme storm was definitely on the horizon. She shook her head. She wasn't being political when she wondered how anyone could deny the fact that global warming exists, she was simply baffled by the ability to negate the obvious.

Deciding it was prudent to check the weather, she reached for the remote and turned on the small television she kept on the kitchen counter. Pleased to find the station set to local access, she filled the kettle. With her back to the screen, she heard the voice of Amy Goodman say; "The Obama administration is considering launching unilateral air strikes against Syria after British lawmakers voted against the use of force. Pentagon officials said the Navy has moved a fifth destroyer into the eastern Mediterranean Sea."

Goodman's words caused a series of questions to race through Arizona's mind. She immediately thought of all the work she, Lauren and Dr. Avery had done to create mobile ER clinics equipped with field docs trained to meet the needs of tiny humans. She knew that what they accomplished would have only a small impact in Syria, yet took comfort in the idea that their efforts would bring some form of relief. Increased military intervention, however, that was beyond anything her mind could comprehend. It took a lot of energy for a daughter of a Navy Colonel to be both pro-military and antiwar.

As Arizona watched tap water run over the sides of the kettle, she felt helpless. A part of her wanted to call her father and discuss what it might mean for the US to move in unilaterally, yet a larger and more dominant part of her didn't want to know.

The barefoot PEDS surgeon closed her eyes and inhaled slowly. As she turned off the tap, she focused on the inner calm she'd found over the past three and a half months and wondered if Lauren had heard the news. She considered calling, then remembered something she'd learned long ago about letting bad news wait until the last possible moment. She'd listen for Lauren's call, and in the meantime, she'd write.

Journal Entry Day 100

I can't believe it has been 100 days since I left LW. So much has happened. I know I've lapsed in writing, so I'll put pen to paper and summarize what the past three and a half months have been like. I also need to acknowledge that the people of Syria weigh heavily on my mind at this moment and I will do my best to stay positive and not let the violence there impact my celebratory overview of the past one hundred days here.

September 2, 2013

I'm amazed by how effective EMDR therapy has been. It's as if a huge weight has been lifted. I haven't had a single panic attack since leaving Big Sur. I've even flew out to visit Lauren and have plans to do so again this weekend. Speaking (writing) of Lauren, things with her have been FANTASTIC! We haven't seen as much of each other as we'd both like, but I can't help but think, on some level, that this is not such a bad thing. It forces us to take things slowly; though the more I get to know her, the more I realize that she truly is the type of person who needs a great deal of autonomy-regardless of how connected she feels to someone. This doesn't mean physically, however. Lauren has absolutely no problem being sexually intimate, and honestly, I find her libido incredibly attractive. I'm so glad we stopped trying to hold back. Quite frankly, I love having sex with her. She's an amazing lover and our chemistry is over the top. She's adventurous, sensual, sexual, uninhibited and able to separate emotions from sex-which is exactly what I need right now.

Sometimes, I think Lauren and I connect on a sexual level that Callie and I didn't. I'm not saying sex with Callie was bad, it wasn't; in fact it was amazing-only in a different way. What Callie and I had was beyond sexual, which is something I'm starting to grieve. What Callie and I had was love and love that was entwined with great sex.

Perhaps Lauren and I are capable of the kind of love Callie and I had, but it's too soon to tell. Then again, Callie's my first love and that's something that can never be undone. More importantly, I'm not ready for it to be. Love, like the love I felt for Callie is far too scary and I'm in no hurry to be that vulnerable again. Love, like the love Callie and I had, was way too consuming for me as an individual. It made me do unbelievable things-like leave Africa and become a mother, none of which I regret (though they were never part of my life plan and yet two of the best decisions of my life). I'm not writing this to up-play my previous relation with Callie, nor down-play my current relationship with Lauren, I'm writing this because time and space has given me clarity. The stronger I get, the more I understand my role in what happened in my marriage.

I know this will sound strange, but I'm starting to suspect love is an energy that has mobility. If you stop feeding it, it can get up and leave. Crazy, right? Of course, this "theory" of mine introduces a new level of guilt for my mind to sift and sort; pulverize and perseverate; and of course, twist and turnabout. At the same time, it has led me to comprehend something anew. I was so angry with Callie for not saving my leg that I stopped feeding our love, and this made it impossible for love to stay.

I shared my thoughts of love's mobility with Callie last week. She didn't agree. She said, "Our love is present, it's just buried under anger, betrayal and pain." I didn't know how to respond, but I stayed open and we ended up having an amazing conversation. We talked for nearly an hour, actually. It felt healing and sacred. She thanked me for being open. I told her I was working on not compartmentalizing my emotions. She said she wished we had talked more when we were married and I agreed. I honestly wish we had.

I'm grateful for how far Callie and I have come these past few months. I'm also quite relieved she didn't fight my attorney for partial custody. She may be on to something about love still being present.

Okay, enough of that. I have a lot to process around Callie and our conversation and I plan on doing that with Dr. Streifland tomorrow morning. I haven't seen her in a while and I think she'll find the conversation with Callie very interesting. She will also be glad to hear that my rights as Sofia's mother have been acknowledged. Having Sofia every other weekend and every Wednesday night has been INCREDIBLE! And the relief around having a legal document in place that guarantees my rights as her mother is indescribable. It will take some time to explain to Dr. S. why our divorce hasn't been finalized and how our attorneys are still sorting the details of the settlement and the purchase of the hospital, but that's okay. She'll get that sorting the legalities of a divorce that wasn't deemed legal by the state is confusing for everyone.

On other fronts, work had been good. It feels great to be back in the swing of things and it's impressive that the board was in full support of the Syria project. It's been difficult adjusting to what happened with Richard, though. It will take time to fully heal; we all recognize this.

As for my every day well health? I've been climbing twice a week and ordered a new prosthetic with a smaller foot that will make climbing even more enjoyable. I never imagined I could get so much out of tying onto a rope and climbing a wall. Who knew it would help me feel physically and emotionally balanced? Climbing has affected my ability to stand at the operating table and given me courage to believe I can do just about anything. Two things for which I'm grateful in ways words cannot express.

Arizona heard the last two sentences echo over and over in her mind. She rested her journal in her lap and let the words resound freely. In her heart of hearts, she knew she would not have been able to express such gratitude without doing every ounce of emotional work she had done over the past six months. She returned to the page and was about to write about transformation when her phone rang. The personalized ringtone indicated the caller was Lauren. She put the pen between the fold and closed her journal gently before resting it on the end table beside her. Taking one last sip of coffee, Arizona smiled at the memory of meeting Lauren, then padded back to her bedroom. She'd missed the opportunity to answer, but knew that she could simply dial the numbers and Lauren would pick up. It was their pattern. Over the past few months, they'd created ways of being together that each could rely upon.

Arizona took a moment to consider Syria and Lauren's commitment to working with victims of violence before dialing. She wondered if this new development would push Lauren toward a field position. She planned to broach the subject lightly and knew that if she had the chance to dissuade her, she would. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. As she did, an image of her brother's face flashed in her minds eye. Tim was injured in a war-zone and because there was a shortage of field docs, he died there. Once again, Arizona felt torn. Being pro-military and anti-war was and impossible place to be. She knew Lauren would understand. She found it comforting that her lover shared her views. She said it was from growing up in the South and living so close to a military base, but Arizona suspected there was more.

She felt a tingling sensation ascend her spine and dialed.

To be continued.