I See You
Chapter 13
The rest of the day was spent relaxing, watching tv, eating left over take out from the previous day and enjoying Noah's adorable banter. When the dark began to sweep in Amanda knew that the brunette would have to leave and it made her feel a bit uneasy although she would never admit it.
She didn't have to admit it. Olivia somehow knew what the blonde was thinking and feeling. Noah was asleep on the couch, tired from the days activities and Amanda was standing by the sink washing out their cups and plates. When she felt two strong arms wrap around her from behind she flinched. "Shh," Liv soothed in her ear, "it's just me. You doing okay?"
It wasn't a question really. The brunette knew the answer but she wanted to hear Amanda's reply. As she expected the blonde was trying to push her feelings aside and pretend that everything was fine. "I'm fine." she simply stated, shrugging her shoulders.
Liv placed her hands on Amanda's to stop what she was doing and turned her around to face her. "Your words are telling me one thing and your body is telling me another. What's up?" she ducked her head to make eye contact but the blonde just kept looking down at the floor.
Sighing Amanda dried her hands on a tea towel. "I... there's something I'd like to ask you but... I'm afraid you're gonna say no." she mumbled, feeling like a kid asking to stay up later than usual on a school night.
"Well, you won't know until you ask me. I'll do whatever I can to accommodate and help you." Liv brushed blonde hair away from her forehead and kissed it.
Amanda closed her eyes at the soft contact and decided to tell Liv what she had on her mind. "I... I know I'm not suppose to work in the field or anywhere else for that matter and before you say anything just please hear me out?" she pleaded, desperate to get her point across. Liv pursed her lips and silently nodded, indicating for Amanda to continue.
"I know I don't deserve your trust or anyone elses right now because of what I did but..." she stopped and sighed in frustration. She needed Liv's approval on this. She needed her to say yes. "I can't sit at home and do nothing and when I say can't, I really mean that I can't." Liv could see the fear and desperation in the blue eyes. "Free time has never been a friend of mine. I just... I just don't do well with too much time on my hands." her eyes were beginning to fog up, forcing Olivia to realise how important this was for Amanda.
Before the blonde could continue Liv interrupted. "Yes."
Amanda snapped her head up, looking at her boss with uncertainty, trying to determine if she had heard right. "Wh... what?" she stuttered.
The brunette smiled gently and stroked her cheek. "I know where this conversation is going and normally I would say no, without any hesitation, but I can see now that taking time off would not be beneficial for you." the blonde opened her mouth to speak but Liv placed a delicate finger across her lips, sushing her. "I want you in the precinct for nine, you stay at your desk, do paperwork, answer the phones but do not, under any circumstances, leave the building during work hours without letting me know first. You take it easy, if it gets too much for you at any point I want to know about it, and I want to know about it from you, not through anybody else. Understood?"
Amanda could have thrown herself at the brunette in relief. It felt like a burden had been lifted from her shoulders and she felt a bit lighter from it. "Thank you. You have no idea how much I appreciate this. I promise I won't let you down this time."
"Amanda," Liv spoke soothingly, "you didn't let me or anybody else down. Please, don't beat yourself up over this. You acted on instinct, reflex and from what you've been taught in the academy. You ment well, you saw danger and you wanted to protect. How can I be anything but proud and honoured to work with someone like you."
Amanda didn't know what to say. She didn't expect a speech like that from her boss considering everything she had done. "Th... thank you."
Smiling Liv slowly leaned closer and softly claimed the blonde woman's lips with hers. The kiss was gentle and full of promise but also care and admiration for each other. When they broke the kiss Amanda was breathless and her heart pumping wildly. She could feel her arousal build and decided she needed some space to cool down so things didn't get out of hand. They were not ready for that to happen just yet.
"I want you to take tomorrow off though. Just tomorrow to give you one extra day to recuperate and rest. Can you please do that for me?" as Amanda nodded Liv brought her in close for a secure embrace. "I better go before Noah wakes up and get grumpy. Trust me, it's not a pleasant sight." they both chuckled at Liv's statement. "You call me if there's anything you need, no matter what time it is, even if it's just to talk. Okay?" again the blonde bobbed her head. "Promise?"
Liv needed to hear it verbally. "Yes, I promise." she knew then she was lying to Liv straight in the face. Sometimes she just dealt with things easier on her own and she would never willingly, purposely or consciously ask anyone for help. In her childhood, asking for help, had always been considered a weakness and a failure.
"Okay. Good night, Amanda." she kissed the blonde's cheek softly before picking Noah up in her arms and headed out the door. Amanda was left alone with her thoughts and feelings racing in her mind and body. Things had turned dramatically the past couple of days and she still wasn't sure if it was actually real. The silence reminded her that she was now alone. The scent of Olivia still lingering in the air and her chest tightened at the thought of the brunette. She felt like she was not worthy of her friendship or kindness. She had done so many mistakes in the past within the squad that she didn't think it was possible for anyone to forgive and forget but she was still here, still a member of the NYPD and still had her job as a SVU detective. How many chances do one person get?
Amanda woke up in the middle of the night confused as to what exactly had waken her in the first place. The baby. It was kicking mad again, making the blonde feel like a punching bag in a boxers gym. Her bladder was calling her again and it was only just after midnight. There would be a few more visits to the bathroom before the night was over.
She stumbled in and turned on the light, squinting her eyes at the brightness. The toilet seat was already up and she just sat down, sighing in relief as the pressure eased. Placing her hands on her belly she gave it a little rub. "You're a handful, little one, and you're not even here yet."
Reaching over to the side, she ripped off a bit of toilet tissue and that's when something caught her eye. Blood. There was blood in her underwear. Fresh and warm blood. She just stared at it for a minute, not sure what to do. Was it serious? Should she call a doctor? Go to the hospital herself? Call Liv? Was this normal?
Trying to breath normally to calm herself down she quickly placed a sanitary pad in her panties, stood up and flushed. Cramps spread through her lower abdomen and reaching around to her back. They weren't very painful, just uncomfortable. She didn't want to bother Liv with this, besides it was in the middle of the night and she would have no one to mind Noah. After a few minutes of silently debating with herself she decided to drive to the hospital. Better safe than sorry. She didn't care that she only had her pyjamas on. Pulling on her jacket and shoes, she grabbed her phone and keys and headed out the door into the cold night.
The drive only took about fifteen minutes since traffic was light. After explaining her situation to the nurse behind the desk at the reception, she was seen straight away. The bleeding had now stopped but the cramps were still there, coming and going. An ultra sound and an embarrassing examination showed that everything was normal and that some spotting and cramps were quite common for pregnant women. Hearing that calmed her slightly. She was tired and wanted to get back home to bed when her previous doctor stepped through the door. "Miss Rollins, missed us?"
Amanda knew he was trying to reflect some light into the situation but the blonde was not amused. "Don't flatter yourself, doctor." she said with a stiff smile.
He took Amanda's chart from the nurse and read it through. "I see here that everything is normal. All your levels are as they should be, fluids in your womb is perfect, blood pressure is normal and the baby seems to be doing well. What you're experiencing is actually more common than you think. I wouldn't worry if I were you but I do want to keep you in overnight for observation." he watched Amanda roll her eyes and sigh before he continued. "I know you don't like to hear it but it's what's best for both you and the baby. Considering everything you've been through the past couple of days I would recomend that you stayed so we can monitor you. It could be stress related."
"Great." she mumbled and closed her eyes, feeling the tiredness taking over.
"Is there anyone you'd like me to call for you?" the doctor offered but Amanda just shook her head. "Okay, try to get some sleep and I'll pop in tomorrow to see how you're doing."
When he was gone the blonde thought about calling Liv but quickly changed her mind. There was nothing to worry about so why bother Liv with something that wasn't serious. If she was lucky she would be out early in the morning and Liv would never find out anyways. She took a deep breath, settled in between the coarse sheets and fell asleep.
Next time she was awakened by the vibrations of her phone. Opening her eyes she realised how tired she really was. It was almost a struggle to reach for the noisy device to answer it. "Hello." her voice was weak and raspy.
"Amanda, where are you?" it was Liv. "I'm outside your door knocking. I took an early lunch and thought I'd surprise you with some Chinese. You okay? You sound tired."
Amanda could hear the concern in her voice and mentally prepared herself for the verbal lecture she was about to receive. "Um, Liv hi. Um, I'm not home, I'm... um, last night I... something happened and um..." she glanced at the screen on her phone and saw that it was almost 12.30 pm. Shocked she placed the phone back to her ear. There was no way she was getting out of this.
"Amanda, you still there? Are you okay?"
The blonde snapped back into the present. "Um, yeah I'm okay." she sighed in defeat. "Look, I dont want you to worry but I'm in the hospital but I'm fine, the doctor said that..."
"What!" Liv interrupted, concern taking over her entire body. "Which hospital?" she demanded to know.
"Mercy. But I'm fine Liv. They're letting me out soon... I hope." the last two words she mumbled hoping Olivia didn't pick up on them.
"I'm on my way." Liv said and immediately hung up and raced back to her car, trying not to break any speed limits on the way to the hospital.
Liv walked straight up to the reception and flashed her badge, greatful for being a cop in that very moment. She got the room number and nearly ran down the corridor to where Amanda was situated. When she got there Amanda was asleep, her head to one side facing Liv, her right hand resting on her stomach and light snores were escaping her lips. The brunette couldn't help but to smile and watch the beautiful blonde for a minute before she walked up and stood next to the bed.
Leaning down, she placed a gentle kiss on Amanda's forehead, causing her to wake. Sleepy blue eyes looked into brown concerned ones and she had never been so happy to see Liv that she almost teared up. "You came?" she mumbled, her voice still raspy and full of sleep.
Kissing her forehead again, Liv smoothed back blonde tresses from her face. "Of course I came, honey. What happened? Why didn't you call me? How long have you been here? What's going on?" Olivia sputtered question after question not waiting for an answer before she asked the next.
"I'm fine." Amanda mumbled.
"You're in the hospital. You're not fine, Amanda. Now tell me what happened or do I have to force it out of you?"
The blonde struggled to keep her eyes open. "I had some bleeding and cramps during the night but I'm okay now."
Liv sighed and placed her hand over Amanda's that was still resting on her baby bump. "Why didn't you call me sweetie? I would've come straight here. I told you to ring me if needed be."
"The doctor said I was fine and that it's quite normal or this to happen. Everything is as it should be. There was no need to wake you and Noah up. There was nothing to worry about." Amanda argued.
"Oh Amanda. When are you gonna see that there are people who care and wants to help you? I wish you would understand that I care and I do worry. I will always worry about you. Just let me help. Let me know when you're not feeling well, express your emotions, tell me what you need so I know how to help you. You have to talk to me so I know what I have to do to make things better. Please." she pleaded.
Amanda instantly felt bad for not calling Liv last night and tell her what had happened. She could see how stressed out and concerned the brunette was and it made her feel awful. "I'm sorry." she sniffled, tears building in her eyes and shoulders began to shake. "I'll try to do better. I'm just not use to people caring and worrying over me. I'm so so sorry." she cried, too tired to try and hide the tears and sobs.
"Oh baby." Liv quickly scooted in next to the upset woman, placed multiple kisses on her head and held her carefully against her, feeling the sobs wracking the petite frame. "Shhh, it's okay, sweetheart. I'm here and I'm gonna make it all better." she stroked the tear stained face with her knuckles while resting her lips against Amanda's temple, whispering soothing words. "It's okay. I'm not mad I'm just worried. Shhh, everything is okay. I've got you, baby. I've got you."
Maybe it was too much too soon but Olivia couldn't help the endearment and pet names from slipping through her lips. It was in her nature to sooth and comfort when she thought was needed and seeing Amanda so stressed and upset made her heart break. "I'm right here." she whispered over and over, willing Amanda to believe her words.