The Aftermath, Chapter 16 – Gratitude

I do not own these characters. They belong to Grey's Anatomy and Co.

"Hey you."

Arizona felt her body respond to Lauren's now familiar sensual drawl. She couldn't help but smile. She would see Lauren in only a few days and felt an excited longing for both her touch and her easy-going nature. In a soft whisper she replied, "Hey, I'm so glad you called. How are you?"

Lauren slowly absorbed the sound of her lover's voice. Arizona Robbins had an incredible affect on her psyche. It amazed her how much she enjoyed their conversations and time together. "What can be better than starting my day off with the sound of your voice, a surprisingly good cup of hospital coffee, and a huge dose of Georgia sunshine?"

Arizona cherished Lauren's charm. At the same time, she detected a slight rasp in her delivery. Knowing her lover well, she intuited correctly that her lithe companion had been up most the night. She knew all about sinus/facial reconstructive surgery Lauren was scheduled to perform the night before, and she knew Lauren was concerned the patient's immune system was severely compromised, which could cause complications during recovery. "How did the surgery go?" she asked gently.

"It went really well, thanks. I think she'll make a full recovery. Her vitals are good and she's showing no sign of infection, at this point. I'm feeling confident for her."

"Did you sleep in an On-Call room or stay by her side?"

Arizona's inquiry made Lauren smile. The conversation of her sleeping in On-Call rooms had recently come up. She took it as a sign that Arizona was feeling less guilt. "I caught a few hours of sleep down the hall, but I spent the majority of my time in Recovery."

Arizona closed her eyes imagined Laurel sitting by her patient's bedside. As she did, her mind wandered back to their first night together and Lauren's request that she show her to an On-Call room. At the time, she was completely aware of the fact that she and Lauren were having two conversations. One focused on the craniofacial surgeons desire to stay close to the Sim's baby, should anything happen; while the other glistened with opportunity to deepen their connection. With absolute clarity, she remembered every moment of the walk from the nurse's station to the room in which they first kissed. She could hear the sound of torrential rain beating against the windows and see lightening flashing across the sky. She watched her strong milky white fingers reach out and clasp the door handle and without hesitation swing the door open wide for Lauren to enter. She saw herself, as if from above, step back slightly to invite the tall, fit and incredibly intriguing doctor to walk through first. She did not follow; for she knew full well what could happen had she neither the strength nor will to resist.

Just as it did that night, the sound of Arizona's own heartbeat filled her ears. Her sensing body relived the memory, as if she were there once again. Without consciousness, she slid her hand under her shirt over her breast, paying extra attention to her nipple; then gently massaged her breastbone and collarbone, making circular patterns with her fingertips as she did.

Arizona's sudden arousal caused her to consciously stop the thought. The rest is history, she thought. Everyone knew she and Lauren had sex that night. The fallout was devastating. Words were said and responses were given that she will never forget. In moments of anger, Callie called her a slut. She even did so in front of Sofia, though fortunately she spelled each letter. At work, Alex offered her nonjudgmental support and kept her secret. Later, when Dr. Avery put two and two together, he never once showed negativity or self-riotousness toward her, or Lauren. His actions reminded of her that some people really do respect the fact that no one ever really knows what demon another person battles.

One thought led to another and Arizona's mind grasped something she'd contemplated often over the past six months. When she was young and much more active in the lesbian community, she often endured judgment from acquaintances for not buying into picket fence fantasies around lifelong monogamy. She'd found herself explaining, far too often, that while lifelong monogamy wasn't for her, she didn't place judgment on others for wanting it. She remembered being taken aback at being considered a player. In her mind, it just didn't fit. Player's were about conquering and notching belts. She never led a woman on, nor did she make promises she couldn't keep. She loved autonomy, much like a confident, intelligent, and sexual woman loves sensuality. Later, when she fell in love unexpectedly, she promised monogamy-a vow she didn't keep. Had she the chance to go back and do things differently, she would, but time is not a renewable resource and no one has figured out how to unwind a clock.

"Arizona?" Lauren said with a lilt on the fourth syllable that rang out like a Sangha bell.

"Oh God, I'm sorry," Arizona said realizing she had been completely lost in thought. Her distraction came as quite a shock, given the fact that she had been unusually present over the past few months. "I'm feeling a bit off center right now. Before you called, I was writing in my journal, which is probably part of the reason why I'm distracted, but I'm also extremely taken aback by the latest development in Syria. Have you heard?

Lauren stood to look out the third floor window of Children's Hospital of Atlanta and braced herself. "I haven't. What happened?"

"It can be proven now that chemical weapons were used in Syria."

"Jesus," Lauren whispered.

"Yeah. President Obama plans to intervene with military force, even without global support."" Arizona said softly.

"I'm sorry, but killing people to send a message that killing people is wrong makes absolutely no sense to me!" Lauren fired off.

"I know," Arizona whispered and wondered what her father would think of Lauren's assertion.

"Is there a casualty count yet?"

"I'm not sure, the reports are still coming in."

"This puts a whole new spin on our mobile ER clinics, doesn't it? How can we effectively treat victims of chemical warfare? And, even if we could, there's no way to make it safe for anyone to be in the region? I wonder if they've evacuated entire communities, yet?"

"I was wondering the same thing."

"God, this is almost beyond comprehension," Lauren said as she walked toward the coffee kiosk hoping to locate a daily paper or screen with a ticker.

"It just seems so dangerous," Arizona whispered; then more assertively added, "I think we need to meet with Dr. Avery as soon as possible and evaluate and reevaluate our approach. We're going to need to be absolutely certain we can guarantee everyone's safety if we are going to contract field docs for our MERCs."

Lauren took time to process Arizona's words. Chemical warfare was far more critical than anything their mobile clinics could handle; yet she knew in her bones that there were hundreds, if not thousands, of affected children, women and elders outside the warzones who needed help. It was becoming obvious that in order to gain a clear understanding of what was happening on the ground, she, or she, Arizona and/or she, Arizona and Dr. Avery would need to see for themselves. The reports from the development team they deployed did not exemplify a clear picture.

Lauren decided to wait until the weekend to share this thought with Arizona. She knew her lover's hesitation to going to Syria and wanted not just to hear them again, but read her body language, as she spoke. She was about to suggest they carve out time over their weekend to discuss when her beeper went off. Reaching down and seeing 911 made her heart skip. "Arizona, I'm sorry. I'm needed in Recovery, ASAP."

"Yeah, go, we can talk later. Text me, okay?"

"I will," Lauren said and turned on a dime toward a group of nurses all running in the same direction. Before she hung up, she said, "I can't wait to see you."

"I can't wait to see you," Arizona replied softly, revealing a sense of excitement that could be read on the other side of the nation.

"Take care."

"Uh hmm. You too."

Arizona gently placed her phone on her bedside table and walked toward the window. She could see a greenish hue cover the skyline and thought of Lauren's reference to Georgia sunshine. She craved such weather and hoped the current storm wouldn't delay her flight. She wished their discussion about Syria hadn't been cut short, but knew they'd pick it up again in the next few days. She suspected Lauren would want to see for herself what the situation was like on the ground before making any big decision about future steps. In her heart of hearts, she did not want Lauren to go to Syria, but knew she had no claim over her. Then she questioned her assumption and under her breath asked, "Or do I?"

Arizona considered the intimacy she and Lauren shared. Perhaps their connection did give her the right to make certain requests? She didn't know and couldn't be sure. What she did know, however, was she wasn't willing to pretend things were fine if they weren't. This was a mistake she made with Callie-pretending everything was fine, when it wasn't. Lauren also read her in a way Callie never did, so pretending wasn't an option. Fortunately, she felt safe with Lauren and as a result was willing to be open and communicate in a way she couldn't with Callie. She decided right then and there that if she was uncomfortable with Lauren going to Syria, she was going to be truthful and speak up immediately.

Arizona turned from the window and walked across her bedroom, shedding every article of clothing as she did. In the bathroom, she brushed her teeth as the water stream heated then removed her prosthetic and carefully stepped inside the shower. As soft water heat rained down upon her, she called to mind every detail of their last time intimate encounter. She focused on the sensation of Lauren's mouth on her sex and slid her soapy hands where Lauren's tongue had been. She wanted to feel close to her and she wanted to free her mind of Syria. As she increased her rhythmic ministrations, she felt a swirl of energy leave her head and spread throughout her body and intertwine with the heightened sense of awareness that surged throughout her being. She came hard and slow and felt relief long after the waves of pleasure and release subsided.

Stepping from the shower, Arizona caught a glimpse of her wet body in the mirror. She was pleased to see that all the rock climbing and balance exercises were showing in muscle development; especially her stomach and upper body. For the first time since the crash, she had a genuine feeling of appreciation for her body. A leg amputation was something that had happened to her, but did NOT defined her.

Arizona stared into her own sparkling blue eyes in the mirror and remembered something Lael from Life Wellness said about climbing and the possibility for a person to "arrive" in a moment. Arrival was a larger thought than Arizona wanted to embrace, but the fact that she had just caught a glimpse of her body in the mirror and felt genuine love and appreciation brought tears to her eyes. Suddenly she felt grateful. Grateful for her health and bodies response to touch; grateful for her gorgeous daughter and nonjudgmental friends; grateful for her keen intelligence and perseverance. Yes, there was pain on the planet, and yes it was everywhere, but she felt proud of the fact that she was doing her part to help alleviate some of it, in the small way she could. She, Arizona Robbins, had grown into the woman she'd always imagined she could be. Yes, she had a failed marriage, but this was nothing unusual for her generation. And, even though she often felt she was being unfairly held to a higher standard simply because she was a woman married to a woman, she didn't give the thought extra energy. Her indiscretion didn't make her evil, nor did it make her a slut, unfit mother, or wicked nasty bitch, like some might suggest. Her infidelity made her human, simply human-nothing less, and nothing more. Human.