I See You

Chapter 15

Liv was a nervous wreck. She had been pacing over an hour in the waiting area, running her fingers through her hair in frustration, amazed that she had any hair left on her head. The ambulance had arrived within seven minutes and Amanda had lost a significant amount of blood. She was ghostly pale as she layed on the stretcher in the bus, her body limp and eyes droopy, almost dead looking. Liv had not once let go of her hand.

Now, almost an hour later, she could still feel the coldness of Amanda's skin tingling the palm of her hand. Once they got to the hospital Olivia was stopped and could no longer stay by the blonde's side. Doctors and nurses swarmed around her as they pushed the trolley through the big double doors leading down to where she knew the operating rooms were.

She called Lucy straight away. The sound of Liv's voice told her that something bad had happened and she had no problem collecting Noah and staying the night again. Olivia thanked her with a tight hug, holding on just a couple of seconds longer, needing some kind of reassurance. Now, she was alone and there was no reassurance anywhere. What was taking so long? Someone should've been out by now with an update. She wiped a lone tear slowly making it's way down her cheek. She hadn't even noticed that she was crying.

Finally the doors burst open and a female doctor stepped out, scanning the waiting room. "Olivia Benson?" she called out flickering her eyes over other waiting people before Liv quickly approached. "Are you here for Rollins?"

"Yes. How is she? How's the baby? What happened?" Liv was frantic and knew she wouldn't be able to calm down until she knew that Amanda and the baby were safe.

The doctor placed a hand on Liv's lower back, leading her down the corridor where she had just emerged from. "Miss Rollins is stable for now. She has lost a lot of blood and is sleeping at the moment. The next 24 hours will be critical but I believe that she will pull through." the doctor then stopped and sighed. "We had to perform an emergency c section straight away. The baby was is distress and she was hemorrhaging. The baby is now in an incubator. She's not breathing on her own and her heartbeat is abnormal. It's too soon to tell if she'll make it or not. We're doing everything we can for her but it's touch and go. Miss Rollins is in room 417 if you want to sit with her."

Liv took all the information in and her heart broke. The baby had to make it. She just had to. There was no other option. She stuttered a thank you before rushing down to the room that held the blonde. Before opening the door she took a deep breath. It was quiet inside. Just the beeping of the heart monitor could be heard. Looking at Amanda she immediately noticed that her previously swollen belly was now almost gone. Just a small bump left. She was still very pale and ashen, almost pasty white.

She walked up to the bed and sat down next to the blonde's legs by her tighs and lovingly brushed her fingers over a white cool cheek. "I'm so sorry, Amanda. I wish you didn't have to go through this." Leaning down she placed a kiss on her forehead, feeling the coolness of her skin against her warm lips. "It's gonna be okay, baby. I'm gonna make everything okay." again she brushed a pale cheek with her knuckles and was suddenly greeted by two drowsy blue eyes.

"Liv?" she whispered, her voice was weak and full of sleep and confusion. Her eyes were watering up because of the light in the room but eventually she got use to the brightness. Before she could say anything Liv placed a finger on her lips.

"Hey shhh, sweetie. You're okay." she cupped the blonde's face in her palms, feeling the need to physically touch her getting too strong. "You're in the hospital. Do you remember what happened, honey?" she watched as Amanda struggled to remember when suddenly blue eyes snapped fully open.

"The baby?" tears instantly made their way down her cheeks and she began pushing herself up into a sitting position.

Liv stopped her at once. "No no, sweetie. Lay down." she gently placed a hand on Amanda's chest and softly pushed her back down. "You've had surgery, you need to stay still." she smoothed blonde tresses away from her pale face and thought about how to say the next part. "Amanda, before you start panicking I just want to say that your baby is alive. They had to perform emergency c section. You've lost a lot of blood but you'll pull through. The baby is in an incubator." she watched as dread crept upon Amanda's face and her bottom lip began to tremble from fear.

"Hey, listen to me." Liv urged. "She's alive. She's having some difficulties breathing on her own and her heart is not beating as it should but she's alive. She's alive, sweetie. All we can do now is wait and let the doctors do their job. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere. I'll stay with you the whole time. You're not alone. You're not alone."

Sensing Amanda's distress, Olivia swiftly adjusted the upper part of the bed so that the younger woman was half sitting. Not waisting another second, Olivia lovingly pulled Amanda's body up against hers and instantly felt the small body beginning to shake from sobs and cries. Liv held on, making sushing noises, rubbing her back in soothing circles and kissed her temple repeatedly, willing warmth, love and comfort into the distraught woman's heart. "Oh honey! My sweet sweet girl. It's okay, you're okay. I'm not letting go Amanda, I'm right here. I'm here for you and I will do anything in my power to make things alright." she soothed as Amanda continued her desperate cries of agony and despair. Crying for her baby girl that was fighting for her life.

"Shhh, baby. Let it out, you're okay. Don't hold back, sweetie. Cry all you want, cry it all out, I've got you. I've got you, Shh." Olivia felt the need to tell her to not hold her tears and cries back because knowing Amanda she would do anything to not cry or appear emotional. Her words were on repeat as Amanda let go completely and cried her heart out in fear of losing her baby.

Several minutes passed before the blonde had calmed down enough to verbally communicate. "Wh... what am I gonna do? She can't die, Liv." her voice sounded so pitiful and weak. "She just can't." she cried as occasional hiccups took over her body.

"Shh, let's not think about that right now. She's still with us and that's a good sign. We have to believe that things will be okay." Liv brushed Amanda's tears away before she realised that she too was crying. "I'm gonna stay with you for as long as it takes. I'm not gonna let you go through this alone, sweetheart." her voice was determined and firm, full of promise and hope.

"I... I want to... see her. Can I see her? Please Liv! I... I have to see her." desperation was evident in her tone and face. She really needed this.

"I'll see what I can do, alright." Liv stood up. "Don't move an inch until I get back, promise?" Amanda quickly nodded. A few minutes later, which seemed like hours to Amanda, the brunette appeared in the doorway with a wheelchair. "You can see her for a little while but you have to stay seated the whole time. We don't want you tearing any stitches." She came around with the wheelchair and positioned it next to the bed. Somehow Liv managed to lift the petite blonde into the chair and covered her legs with a blanket.

The peds intensive care unit was only down the corridor to the left at the very end. There was six incubators in the room. Four of them were occupied and two were empty. Liv spotted the sign on the incubator that said Rollins and headed straight towards it. The two women gasped as they saw the tiny pink wrinkly bundle laying on white sheets surrounded with blankets, wires and tubes. It was amazing that they had enough room on the tiny body to attach all the machines to. The small chest was moving up and down with the help of the breathing machine that supplied oxygen and a heart monitor was beeping soundly, indicating that, for now, her heart was beating normally.

Amanda just looked at her little girl. She was the most beautiful thing. Her hair was fair, her nose had the same bone structure as her own and even though her eyes were closed, Amanda somehow knew they were blue, just like hers. Tentatively she reached a hand through the hole in the glass and for the first time she caressed her daughter's head, feeling the soft fuzzy little locks of hair soothing her fingers. She had a baby. She was hers and nobody elses. The feeling was overwhelming and again tears rolled down her cheeks but this time Amanda had a smile on her face.

"You are perfect." she whispered through her tears. "So so small but perfect. How is it possible to love someone so much even though we've just met? You are the most precious thing." Amanda could stare at her daughter forever. Such a small human being, so helpless and innocent that it scared her and it was her responsibility to nurture, love and protect this child from now on.

"She is beautiful." Liv whispered, "just like her mother." she bent down and kissed Amanda's head tenderly. "I bet she's a fighter too. Like mother, like daughter."

Amanda just continued to stare at her precious bundle, not quite believing that the tiny baby in front of her was hers. She kept running her fingers gently over the soft head of hair as tears were silently rolling down her cheeks. A nurse appeared in the doorway and said that unfortunately they had to leave for now but could come back in the morning and stay for as long as they wanted. Amanda was very reluctant to leave but with Liv's promise of coming back first thing in the morning made it slightly easier for the blonde to relax. The older woman wheeled her back into her room and helped her into bed. Safely tucked beneath the covers Amanda felt how sore and tired she really was.

Her eyes drifted shut as soon as her head hit the pillow and Olivia placed an extra blanket over the small frame to keep any bit of cold out. She stayed close by Amanda's head, holding onto one hand and gently stroking the blonde tresses. It was past midnight and the brunette felt her own eyes beginning to droop. Studying the small frame in the big hospital bed she made a decision to climb in next to her. There was plenty of room for them both and Liv wanted to be near in case anything happened during the night.

The older woman slowly woke up. Her body slightly sore from her awkward position during the night and her mouth felt like the Sahara Desert. Popping her eyes open she noticed that Amanda's side of the bed was empty. Fear kicked in and she immediately rushed to her feet scanning the room and the bathroom. Nothing. The wheelchair was still standing against the wall untouched and she noticed it was still dark outside. "Amanda?" she called out but no answer came.

It finally dawned on her where it would be most likely for the blonde to be. The ICU. Half sprinting down the hall Olivia came to a halt when she saw the young detective slumped in a chair next to the incubator that held her baby girl. Walking slowly towards the woman she noticed Amanda's distant look on her face, the old and fresh tears smearing her cheeks and her exhausted and painful complexion. It tore at her heartstrings to watch the woman she cared so much for suffer in such a horrible way.

The baby's stats seemed to be the same, which was a relief more than a concern. Olivia approached the blonde gingerly, putting on a brave front. "Hey, I missed you." she simply said with a faint smile. "Can't sleep, uh?" Liv pulled up an empty chair and sat down as close to Amanda as she possibly could.

Amanda shook her head absentmindedly but never took her eyes off her baby daughter. Liv couldn't find any words that would offer any kind of comfort or conciliation. The room was dim lit and quiet. Only a few nurses were passing by the room now and then, an occasional small cry from an infant could be heard and the beeping from various machines echoed through the walls. Olivia saw how tired the blonde was. Her head was beginning to nod and her blue eyes were almost impossible to remain open. Liv also noticed that small shivers took hold of Amanda's body now and again and being only dressed in a hopital gown didn't help the matter. Without warning Liv scooped the semi awake woman up in her arms and held her protectivly, careful with her injuries.

Amanda was just about to protest and demand Liv to put her back down when she felt a pair of warm soft lips against her own. "Shhh," she murmured, "you won't be any good to her making yourself sick. You need to sleep, baby. I can see that you're so exhausted and scared. Sitting here is not going to make things better. You have to look after yourself in order to help your baby girl." Liv began to walk back to the bed, still cradling her precious cargo against her chest. "Lets just lay down and let me hold you, sweetie. I need to hold you and make sure you're okay. Let me take care of you." she soothed as she carefully tucked the half sleeping blonde in under the covers before joining her.