I See You
Chapter 16
The morning came quickly. Amanda opened her eyes slowly, letting them get use to the light streaming in through the window. She was still tired. So tired. Exhausted and worn out to the bone. She looked to the right, expecting to see Liv sound asleep but the brunette was nowhere to be seen. Something must've happened while I was sleeping , she instantly thought, pushing herself up with her elbows trying not to focus on the pain but her by girl instead.
Liv had been talking to the doctor about Amanda's baby's condition. He sounded optimistic. There was no brain damage and her little heart seemed to have improved, beating more steadily just overnight. Her breathing was still an issue but the doctor didn't really seem too concerned about it. Saying that it usually takes a few weeks to strengthen her lungs so she eventually can breath on her own. Liv was relieved by the positive feedback and thanked him before joining Amanda.
When she entred the room she saw the blonde swinging her legs over the side of the bed, standing up and almost collapsing to the floor. Liv was quick and rushed forward and caught her just in time. "Whoa, sweetie." she murmured gently, "slow down or you're gonna hurt yourself."
Amanda grabbed Liv by the arms and held on tight. "Wh... what's wrong? Did something happen to my baby? How long was I asleep for? You should've woke me up."
Liv silenced her. "Hey, it's okay. I was just speaking to the doctor. Here, sit back down." she gestured and helped the blonde getting herself seated. "I actually have some good news but I don't want you to get your hopes up, honey. Anything can still happen."
Amanda frowned, still concern and dread written on her face. "What?" she demanded.
Liv took a hold of her chilled hand, warming them with her own. "The doctor said that her heartbeat is stronger and steadier. There is no sign of brain damage and he believes that her breathing will improve with time. Her lungs will have to build up their own strength and it will be easier for her to breath on her own."
Blue eyes narrowed. "How is that possible? I mean, how can her heart improve just overnight?" it was too good to be true and Amanda had grown up learning that nothing good lasts and that there was always a catch to things that seemed too easy or too perfect. "I... I don't understand."
Liv stroked her cheek with her knuckles, wanting to sooth the ache and confusion away. "It's quite common for premature babies to have heart arrhythmia. When they leave the womb and enter the world it can be a shock to their system and the heart is beating abnormally because of the trauma of being born too early. After a while the heartbeats evens out as the baby gets use to being outside the womb." Liv tried to explain everything that the doctor had already told her. Amanda still looked confused and didn't seem to be taking the information seriously or even believing any of it.
"Can I see her?" she whispered, fear and dread still evident.
Olivia brought her in for a gentle kiss and hoped her warm lips would have a calming effect on the blonde. It did. She felt Amanda relax under her touch and two tongues met passionately. Liv caressed her cheek as they continued tasting each other's mouths, feeling such a strong need to show her love and care. Her heart sped up as she heard a moan escaping Amanda's throat and she felt two arms pulling her closer, which startled the brunette slightly.
Amanda needed to feel, to feel something, anything at all that wasn't pain, fear or anger. Liv's lips felt so good against her own, the kiss grounded her, forcing her to stay in the present like a lifeline. She felt almost empty inside but somehow Liv always seemed to find a way to let warmth and safetiness in. She couldn't hold back the tears that began to flow, making their way down her cheeks.
The taller woman gently pulled away when the salty taste seeped into her mouth. Concerned she cupped Amanda's face between her hands, brushing the tears away with the pads of her thumbs. "Hey hey, sweetie." she soothed, "what's going on? Please tell me so I can help." her voice was pleading and she ran her fingers through tangled blonde locks, gently massaging the scalp underneath.
The blonde didn't trust her voice but knew that Liv needed to hear her. Tears continued their steady stream and her lower lip began to quiver slightly. To Liv she almost looked like a lost and lonely little girl. "Why... why is this... happening? What if she dies? I... I can't... I can't..."
Liv silenced her with a soft kiss. "Hey, stop thinking like that. Didn't you hear what I just said? She's improving, sweetheart. Her heart is stronger and the doctor is optimistic. That's good news." she sat down on the bed and wrapped her arms around quivering shoulders. "Shhh, its okay, baby. Let's just stay like this for a couple of minutes until you've calmed down and then we can go and see your daughter." the older detective placed soft kisses on her head and whispered soothing nonsense until she felt Amanda calm some. She turned Amanda's head towards her and wiped away the remaining tears with her sleeve.
"Come on, let's go and see your daughter. Just lean on me."
The next day Amanda was discharged with a clean bill of health. Taking it easy was her medicine and Olivia knew that that one was going to be difficult. Fin, Dodds and Carisi had been by with presents, diapers and take out food. They all got to see the baby laying in the incubator, small, pink and wrinkly. She was still the cutest thing in Amanda's eyes. Her precious child. Her baby. Liv had only left the hospital twize since the blonde was admitted. Once to shower, change and see Noah and the other to take care of some things down at the precinct. Olivia had brought Amanda some clothes since she refused to leave her baby's side.
"Liv, you can go home, I'll be fine. I'm sure Noah misses you and I feel terrible knowing that I'm keeping you away from your baby."
"You're not keeing me from anything Amanda. I want to be here for you." Liv insisted.
The blonde sighed. "Liv please! Go home and enjoy some time with your son. I know he misses you. You're his mother and it's wrong for you to be away from him for so long. Please, go and see him."
Now it was Liv's turn to sigh. She knew Amanda was right. Noah missed his mommy and the brunette missed her son, but she felt uneasy to leave Amanda on her own. It tore at her heart, having to be apart from two people she really cared about. "Okay, I'll leave for a while but promise you'll ring me if there's any changes."
Amanda gave her a half hearted smile and nodded. Liv reluctantly walked out of the room and headed towards the precinct to take care of a few things before seeing her son.
The blonde was so engrossed in her daughter that she didn't notice a presence behind her until a hand was physically placed on her shoulder. She jerked at the touch, unprepared and startled. "Fin?" she said surprised. "What are you doing here? Does Liv know you're here?"
Fin confidently snorted. "I'm on my lunch break, besides I don't have to run everything by Liv. I can handle her." he smirked.
Amanda raised her eyebrows. "I'm sure you can, partner." she muttered and turned her attention back to her baby.
"How's she doing?" Fin asked gently, not wanting to bombard her with questions even though he was dying to get some answers or any kind of update on his partner's baby.
The blonde sighed and shrugged, not tearing her eyes off of her child. "The doctor said she's doing a bit better. Her heart is stronger and there's no brain damage. All we can do now is wait and see how her breating turns out."
Again, Fin placed a hand on a nearby shoulder and gave it a firm squeeze. "She'll be okay. If she got any of your feistyness and strength she'll pull through." his voice was low and comforting and Amanda found herself missing hearing it. Even his smirks, cool attitude and his nonchalance was dearly missed in her everyday life and one part of her wanted everything to go back to normal. The way it use to be. "Have you thought about a name yet?"
Amanda shook her head. "No, I'm still trying to understand the fact that she's actually here. It... it all went so fast."
"Maybe you should name her 'Speedy Gonzales' then?" he joked, laughing at himself.
His partner couldn't help but to laugh, even though it sounded weak and pathetic. "Somehow I don't think that's going to go down very well. Specially as she gets older." She mused, greatful that her partner was trying to lighten the mood and put her in good spirits. Fin was just about to say something smart back to her when Amanda's baby's monitor started to beep frantically. Before eiter Amanda or Fin could react a bunch of nurses and doctors flooded the room. "Wh... what's happening? What's going on? Is she okay?" her questions fell on deaf ears since they were all too busy working on the tiny form in the incubator.
"We need to get her into surgery right away. Come on people, clear the way and let's go." one of the doctors shouted, making Amanda's heart skip several beats and her body instantly became ice cold.
"Surgery? What's going on?" the blonde tried again as the crew rushed her baby out of the room. A nurse lingered behind.
"I'm sorry, we're not sure what's going on right this minute. I'll try to keep you updated. Just remember that your daughter is in good hands." she said as she too rushed down the corridor.
Amanda was left in an empty and quiet hallway. Everything was spinning. The walls seemed to close in on her, her chest tightened and her breathing laboured. She could feel herself starting to sway and she reached out to grab someting to keep her from falling, anything, but she was only grasping at air. Suddenly she felt two strong arms catch her as her knees gave in.
"Easy, I've got you Manda." Fin managed to get her seated and pushed her head between her legs. "Slow breaths. Come on, you've got this partner. Just slow deep breaths."
Amanda was trying so hard to stay focused on her breathing that she didn't even register Fin making a quick phone call to Olivia about what had happened. She promised to be there in fifteen minutes. He found a nearby blanket on a trolley and placed it over Amanda's shaking shoulders but it's affect was minimal as she continued to shiver, her body almost jerking from the force of it. Fin didn't know what to do. He felt extremely helpless, useless and inadequate. This was his partner. His close friend that risked her own life, and her baby's, to make sure that he was safe and here he was, watching her struggle, gasping for air and clutching and clawing at his jacket to keep herself grounded. All he could do was to sit with her, talk to her and physically be there. Relief flooded through his body as he saw a concerned Liv running towards them. She was always better in situations like these.
"Amanda? Amanda honey?" she got down on one knee in front of the distraught blonde. "Baby, can you hear me? Come on sweetie, look at me."
Baby? Sweetie? Honey? Fin thought. Did he hear what he just thought he heard? Liv just referred to Amanda with several pet names. What was going on? He watched as Liv placed several kisses on her cheeks and forehead, stroking her hands up and down her arms, willing some warmth into the shocked body. It didn't take long before Amanda threw herself into Liv's arms and broke down in hysterical sobs. It then became clear to Fin of what was going on and he couldn't be more happier to see them together as a couple. Liv's voice brought him back to the present, asking him to get another couple of blankets and some sugary tea if he could find it.
He took off quickly, determined to complete his mission as soon as possible. Less than five minutes later he returned with the items requested. Liv gently wrapped the blankets around her still shivering form, sat down next to her with an arms securely draped over her shoulders. Fin held out the steaming tea for Liv to take. Amanda was shaking too badly she couldn't hold onto the cup by herself. The brunette held the paper cup firmly in her hand and brought it to Amanda's lips.
"Here, sweetheart. Just take a few sips, it'll make you feel a bit better. Be careful, it's hot." Amanda managed a few swallows and felt the sugar go straight into her bloodstream, clearing her head some. Liv gave the cup back to Fin as a new wave of tears hit Amanda hard.
Olivia practically pulled her onto her lap and held her, rocking her from side to side while whispering soothing words. "It'll be alright my love. I'm right here, I've got you. Shhh, everything will be okay, baby. Everything will be okay."