This story picks up after April and Will's fall out, April is beginning therapy and trying to deal with the loss of not only her friendship with Will but the news that he is dating Natalie. A quick exchange with Connor opens the door for her to move on but is it really possible when she's still in love with Will?
Notes
This is the Welcome Home and Study Buddies world. The situations are continuations of those fics so there will be language, memories, and actions taken from them as well as canon storylines from the show.
"April, do you think we should start discussing the 'off limits' category?" Dr. Winkler asked kindly.
April had been meeting with Dr. Winkler twice a week for the last two months. Their sessions had started slow but were steady; with Dr. Winkler trying to get to know April and also trying to get her to discuss her attack.
She could talk about her feelings but he noticed she always spoke around the incident. It was an untouchable nerve she still didn't want to approach but each week he asked hoping that he could get to the root of the panic attacks she spoke about.
She'd only had the two and he knew she was talking around them too. His suggestion was part of their routine but just as routine was April's response. She could feel her heart rate rise and her skin felt flushed at the question. Dr. Winkler noticed and raised a hand.
"We don't have to of course, but I can't help but notice you and Dr. Rhodes have been spending a lot of time together," he remarked.
"Yeah we have," April said a little bashful at the revelation.
She hadn't thought anyone really noticed.
"My advice would be to limit the physical aspects of the relationship until we can at least address the "off limits" topics, do you think that's something that you can do?"
April nodded her head in agreement.
Everything was still fairly new between her and Connor. She hadn't been with anyone since Will and that experience had been so dark and complex she was actually nervous about doing anything physical that would repeat that incident.
She wanted to be happy but in all sincerity she had wanted to be with Will, but she felt she had been too severe in her rejection. April had seen it in his eyes when they spoke about the rift between them but they only addressed their friendship. April never corrected the falsehood that she didn't want a relationship or that she said all of it out of anger and defensiveness. It all seemed a moot point since he'd begun dating Natalie, and for April it was the realization that he was finally with the woman he'd always wanted; one that didn't come with the kind of baggage she had. April was satisfied that Will was happy but her feelings for him hadn't vanished.
Connor wasn't a consolation prize; it was a rekindling that had begun to blaze even while April was actively avoiding her feelings for Will. Weeks prior it had started when April came across some of Connor's clothes she'd borrowed when she stayed the night at his place. She put his hoodie in her bag before work and went up to the surgical floor to give it to him.
"Hey Connor I found some more of your stuff," she stated sheepishly.
He smiled at her apprehensiveness, but he also loved the fact that some of his stuff was still at her place. It seemed silly but it made him feel like there was still a part of him that was still with her.
"Wasn't there a matching bottom that went with this?" Connor asked teasing her a bit.
April laughed, "You're right! I'll get them back to you as soon as I can."
"There's no rush," Connor answered flirtatiously with his arms behind his back leaning his body towards her.
April nodded with a blushed smirk and turned to go back downstairs to start her shift. When she came down the stairs she saw Will and Natalie just coming off a quick peck on the lips as Natalie was leaving and Will was coming in to start his shift. The action made her freeze and her entire body felt ran over. Will turned and their eyes met. His were happy and content; slowly filling with complexity over seeing April standing there. She put her hand up and waved with a half-smile. It was all she could gather of her resolve. Her eyes told a different story; they were shattered with sadness and heartbreak. She quickly took off walking to avoid a conversation.
The next day April grabbed the bottoms to Connor's sweat suit set and headed to work. They were slammed and she didn't have a moment to go upstairs and return them but at the end of the night, just when she was walking out she saw him heading out too. His presence reminded her of the clothes in her bag.
"Connor! Wait up!"
April skipped over to him. His face lit up and those beautiful blue eyes were bright and shining through her again. She looked away unable to keep from smiling at him.
"I have the other half," April said producing the bottoms with glee.
"So there they are," Connor said with faux longing to tease April.
"To be honest I forget I had them. I sort of melded them into my wardrobe, they were actually in my dirty clothes pile believe it or not," April said bashfully.
They were walking now; she was keeping step with him in whatever direction he was heading.
"Oh yeah?" Connor asked interestedly.
"Yeah, actually I wore them a lot when….um…," April stopped mid-sentence regretting her choice to go down memory lane.
Connor lifted his eyebrow staring at her his eyes hadn't wavered, they were piercing through her like old times. She looked down.
"When I was pregnant, towards the end of my first trimester. I would get home get out of my scrubs, you know that feeling of getting work off of you? Anyway, I would get in the shower and put these on," April said a little apologetically.
The inquisitiveness transitioned to a longing in Connor's eyes.
"I wish I could've have seen you like that, the look of your stomach, felt him move," Connor said with a despondence April hadn't heard since the day they lost their baby.
They were stopped in the middle of the side walk and without realizing it Connor had reached his hand out to April's stomach; lightly running the tips of his fingers down it, falling away at her belly button.
April was staring at him, his eyes staring down. They stood for a moment. He looked up a bittersweet smile stretched on his face. They were standing in front of Molly's.
"Do you want to come in and have a drink?" Connor asked until the irony of his question hit them both and they laughed at the grimness of it all.
"Uh probably not the best idea right now, but maybe next time," April said smiling.
Connor nodded with a smile and headed into the bar.
It was in that moment that she wondered what an alternate world would've been like; one where they had their son, and there was no betrayal, no death, no Sam Zanetti.
April had an early morning session with Dr. Winkler and she needed to get some sleep so she headed home and went directly to her dirty pile; grabbing a pair of worn softness and comfort were inviting; too inviting. Immediately she realized she had Connor's pants on and she had no idea what she gave him.
The next morning Dr. Winkler was walking April out of his office when she caught sight of Connor on the elevator. He was going down and a few people were getting off,but when he saw her he put his hand in between the doors to stop it. April felt exposed. She knew that there was nothing to be ashamed about but being in therapy, hell any medical procedure that she had to have, she found to be too revealing; especially to her colleagues.
She said goodbye to Dr. Winkler and he retreated back to his office. She shot her eyes to the nearest stairwell and took off running. Connor stopped halfway down the hall realizing that she was avoiding him. He knew her.
April had gotten the entire way home still carrying a bit of shame at running from Connor and at him seeing her coming from therapy. She sat on her couch her eyes closing. She hadn't intended on taking a nap nor did she realize she had until she heard the knock at the door. She turned on a lamp; wiping her eyes, and got up to get the door; it was Connor. He was holding up a pair of pants with the words "Nurses Do It Better" across the butt.
"These would look cute on me but no one would believe I'm tough enough to be a nurse," Connor said with a grin.
Instantly she smiled, "I'm sorry I really thought those were it, please come in."
Connor walked in; taking in the fresh surroundings. She had a few new pieces of furniture, a different couch, sofa table, and a coffee table he'd never seen. There were familiar items; her pictures of her family, April with a penguin in South America, and a new picture of her and Will; neither looking too serious, but it sat framed with the rest on her sofa table.
"I haven't had the chance to wash them yet, I could if you want me to," April said with a yawn.
"I might never see them again if you do," Connor smirked, "So I was thinking on the way over,I swear, I don't remember leaving so much of my stuff with you," he said prodding through his memories.
"I actually went home in those," April said blushing.
Connor still looked confused trying to rack his memory.
"The blue dress," April said clearing her throat.
The memory brought a smirk to her face when she thought about Connor tearing her dress down her body in a hasty effort to get to her; ultimately destroying it.
"Oh yeah," he said laughing, "So I couldn't help but notice you at the hospital today," Connor said with concern in his voice.
April felt bare again, she darted her eyes and took a deep breath.
"I'm still working through some stuff."
"I hope I didn't provoke anything yesterday, I probably shouldn't have been touching you," Connor admitted apologetically.
"No, it's alright. I don't get a chance to talk about David with anyone that really understands," April said softly.
"David?" Connor asked, his eyes vulnerable at the name.
"After Dr. Downey, it's what I called him the first time I felt him move, it was like butterflies," April admitted for the first time to anyone.
The vulnerability sitting at the surface of her doe eyes as they met the vast ocean of Connor's.
The love he always felt for her pushed forward and he realized as much as he wanted to be her friend it may not be a possibility. He stepped towards her putting his hand out to squeeze hers. The goose bumps ran up her arms and his too. She smiled at him and he smiled back.
"Can I offer you something to drink?"
"I'd like that," Connor answered.
They shared the past year over a glass of iced-tea laughing about his awkward experiences with Dr. Latham and some bad dates he'd went on. April couldn't help but bring up Will and the weird people they met when they were finding him a roommate. Their conversation took them into the later parts of the evening and the time was getting to Connor,who was beginning to yawn, so she got ready to walk him out.
"You know to be fair I never got that blue dress back," April said coquettishly opening the door to let Connor step out.
"How about I send you a new dress, you can wear it on Saturday when I take you to dinner," he stated; matching her tone and stepping closer to her.
"Okay," April said smiling taking another step towards him.
They stared into each other's eyes like no time had gone by and kissed. It was light; with no tongues exchanged but it fit the mood and their feelings.
She closed the door and leaned against it; a smile stretching across her face, her eyes wondering around her place until they landed on the picture of her and Will on the sofa table. Her smile began to dissolve as she realized that she would talk to her best friend about this and he to her but things were messy and she had no idea how to make them right.