Chapter Summary
It's time for honesty or this is the end of Connor and April.
There were one too many interruptions and unsaid words that kept happening to the foursome. Each occasion something halted some sort of progress for Will and Natalie as well as for Connor and April.
Connor was starting to get fed up with the lack of physicality and he was ready to finally confront her about it. He was leaving work when he ran into Will coming in for the night shift.
"Hey," Connor said coming in for a handshake.
"Hey man what's up?" Will said returning their little shake.
They'd hung out a few times on their own; watching a few games at the hospital's neighborhood sports bars, and playing a few of their own together. The handshake had been created after beating a pair of dentists in a pick-up game. The pair were growing much closer; a far cry from where they had begun. Connor could tell that Will was busy but he had to ask a question, one that had been seared into his mind for weeks.
"You got a second?" Connor asked.
"Like literally a couple, what's up?" Will asked tentively.
"It's April," Connor started.
The mere mention of her name with a question attached made Will want to flee, but he sat in the moment, his face hiding the panic.
"Why did she move in with you?" Connor asked straightforward.
Will's eyes eased a bit but the question was still a sore subject; one that he didn't feel the right to divulge without April's permission.
Will's mouth moved into an exaggerated frown at the question. He shook his head trying to get out of it.
"Really, c'mon man, I know you know something. I mean was there a boyfriend or another guy that you saw or met while you two lived together?" Connor pleaded.
Will didn't know for sure what had transpired between Brett and her, he couldn't be the one to tell Connor about Parker, that had to be April, and he sure as hell was not going to tell him about the two of them so he talked around it but before he could say anything Connor went on.
"It's like there's this thing that she's keeping from me. I can't deal anymore with not knowing, it's in the way of everything. I mean we haven't even had sex yet," Connor said his voice lowered at the admission.
"Really?" Will said with a strange pleasant surprise he hoped Connor didn't pick up on.
"So there was no one else or anything that I should know?" Connor implored further not realizing he never let Will answer.
Will sighed shaking his head.
"Ah man," Will started while rubbing the back of his neck, "Here's what I can tell you... she didn't feel safe there anymore...okay... and as far as other guys none that I ever met," he nodded to signify the permanence of his feelings at the subject.
But Connor wasn't pleased with the answer. So Will said,
"Just ask her," he gave Connor a pat and prayed to all gods both known and some he made up that if April told him anything she would not mention them.
It was not something he wanted to deal with. Connor was having a difficult time getting in touch with April their schedules lately seemed to be in constant conflict and he had no idea how and when he would broach the subject of their chaste relationship or all the secrets he knew she was hiding. He tried to call her but she didn't get the call because she was having lunch with Natalie.
...
"So we haven't had a chance to talk about you and Connor, how is everything going?" Natalie asked cutting into her salad.
"It's good, we're taking things slowly since reconnecting but it's still new, still developing into something different than the last time, and you and Will?" April asked.
She asked to be polite because that's what friends do but she didn't want to know. She wanted to put her hands on her ears and shake her head back forth screaming like a child when Natalie discussed Will being over at her house or kissing him or asking what he liked for breakfast.
'It's good but, we still haven't…you know" Natalie remarked.
"Really?" April asked surprised, "Not that Saturday Connor and I ran into you guys at the restaurant?" April asked a little embarrassed she remembered the conversation.
"Nope," Natalie said shaking her head, "We keep getting interrupted. You know what we need is to getaway no interruptions, no medical dramas; just some serenity," She said picking up her water.
"That would be nice," April admitted, although a weekend trapped with Natalie and Will had disaster written all over it.
"You know my family has a cabin in Brown County, it's beautiful and relatively secluded this time of year. We should all go," Natalie offered.
April nodded with no intention of saying yes, she was adamant about the feeling of it being a disaster.
"I'll ask Connor about it," she lied.
...
They finished their lunch. April went up to her therapist and Natalie started her shift. The very next day Natalie found out that the cabin would be free so she asked Will, he was excited except but also nerve-wracked with his inability to perform still being an issue.
"Hey I also invited April and Connor too so it should be fun!" Natalie said before walking away.
NO! Was all Will could think of as a strained smile pulled across his face. The feeling quickly was eclipsed by his other bigger issue; he needed to get his performance problem under control before they left. Will found Ethan in the hall and looked around like a criminal. Ethan looked over at him confused at his behavior.
"Can I talk to you," Will all but whispered.
Ethan nodded but he was still typing into his digital chart.
"Privately," Will insisted.
Ethan stopped what he was doing and they walked down the hall to a private exam room off of the ED.
"What's going on Will," Ethan asked concerned and curious.
Will let out an exhausted breath before saying, "I have been having some trouble, um, getting an erection," he spilled.
"Really?" Ethan replied almost laughing, "God I thought you were going to tell me you killed a patient!"
"I need you to be professional man," Will said narrowing his eyes and rubbing his forehead.
"Okay, okay, yeah sorry, have you been under any stress?" Ethan asked.
"We work in the ED man c'mon," Will said waving his hand around the space.
"No drug use?" Ethan asked.
Will shook his head no with an annoyed look on his face.
"You're too young to be having erectile dysfunction, the problem maybe psycho-sematic." Ethan replied.
"Can you just prescribe me something a Cialis, Viagra, or whatever. I have a really important weekend coming up and I want it to be perfect…please," Will pleaded.
Ethan seemed hesitant but he finally said yes.
"A low dose, you shouldn't need too much help."
He wrote the prescription and Will had it filled quietly. He ran into Connor on the way from the hospital's pharmacy.
"So I guess I will be seeing you this weekend?" Will said to Connor.
"Yeah it should be fun," he said almost somberly as he walked by.
He had run into Natalie and she filled him in on everything believing that April had already asked. He said he could do it and he texted April asking if they wanted to take her car or his for the weekend and April had been caught off guard as she was hoping to have let the invitation "slip her mind." They agreed on his car and a departure time.
...
So they were all going to the cabin packing their hiking boots, sweaters, hats, food, beer, excitement, anger, lies, and secrets all to Natalie's families home.
The ride over was considerably icy. April couldn't handle the anticipation of not knowing where they would be sleeping; hoping to god the rooms weren't too close. She could not handle listening to Natalie and Will go at it and Connor could not handle the silence filled with everything that April should be telling him so he finally broke the quiet.
"April we are going to be sleeping in the same bed tonight and tomorrow," Connor said.
"I know," April said his words breaking her worrying over Will's sleeping arrangements.
"April," Connor said, "Are we going to just sleep tonight?" Connor pressed on.
"Isn't that what people do in bed," April answered.
April wasn't being willfully obtuse. She had put everything in the far reaches of her mind that she hadn't noticed that Connor had been almost angry with her lately. He let out a sigh and the silence continued for another hour. Aprils' mind was back to being preoccupied with the sleeping arrangements. They were less than twenty minutes from the cabin and Connor could no longer contain his annoyance.
"April, will you please talk to me?" Connor said with a disparity.
"What's the matter?" April asked concerned. Her mind was preoccupied again.
"You don't talk to me, I feel like there is a lot you're not telling me and with everything that has happened between us in the past you can understand why I would be a little nervous about you keeping things from me." He said looking over at her periodically and then back to the road.
"I'm not keeping anything from you," she said.
Lie.
He scoffed, "Okay,well can you tell me why you're in therapy?" Connor asked cooly, "Can you tell me why we still don't have sex or why you moved in with Will?"
YOU HAVE ARRIVED AT YOUR DESTINATION. Saved by the vehicles' navigation system.
"Can we talk about this later?" April asked her voice shaky and afraid.
Connor was frustrated but now he was worried he didn't like the tone she had and he didn't want to talk about it later.
"I think we should talk about it now," he answered with concern.
"No, not now," she stated; feeling cornered.
She reached over his lap and hit the button to pop the trunk. She opened her door and got out grabbing her bags. Connor was now completely pissed off. He got out too and grabbed his luggage following her to the house but he couldn't let it go.
"April, por favor (please)," he began.
Natalie was already at the door.
"Ahora no, Connor, por favor, quiero saludar a nuestros amigos primer," (Not now Connor, please I want to greet our friends first), April said trying to put a smile on her face in front of Nat.
"Hace meses April que tenemos todos la noche con ellos, por favor!" (It has been months April we have all night for them please!) Connor said raising his voice.
"No aqui!" (Not here!), April finally hissed turning.
"Hey guys," Natalie said with a worried smile.
She didn't have to understand Spanish to know they were fighting.
"Hey Natalie," Connor said lowering his voice but his eyes were incensed.
"Hi Nat," April said; a stressed smile on her face.
She let them in and immediately April's fears about space and privacy evaporated. The home was hardly some Lincoln log cabin. The space was a sprawling two thousand plus square foot mini-mansion. Fully equipped with a bar, pool table, and two separate hot tubs; one off the master and one off the terrace, the fire place ,covered in stacked stone, was the centerpiece of the home as two large windows flanked a stunning view of miles of forestry.
"Wow, Nat this place is amazing," April commented.
"Thanks, we have enjoyed many trips here as a family, I can't wait until Owen is big enough to appreciate it," Natalie said beaming hoping her good mood would rub off on the cranky couple, "I'll show you where you'll be sleeping," she put out her arm to show them the way.
When they got to the large bedroom she opened the door and instructed them to where the linens were kept. April began unpacking her bag but Connor just stood there. She ignored him putting her things away quickly before heading down the stairs.
Will was napping because he worked the late shift the night before. Natalie was using the crockpot for dinner hoping it would let everyone relax more.
It was late and eventually they all made their way to the dining room to eat. Connor was still angry but he was quiet not saying much. Natalie had filled Will in and he was paranoid about their argument hoping his name would be nowhere near the conflict, not now; not stuck here all weekend.
Natalie and Will cleared the table after the meal and washed the dishes but Connor and April were still sitting at the table. He wouldn't stop looking at her. She finally looked him in the eyes.
"Lo siento, Connor," (I'm sorry) April said.
"No lo sienta, sea honesto," (Don't be sorry, be truthful). He implored; his hand on her cheek.
"Soon, answers are coming soon," April said holding his hand to her face.
The lack of revelation was not enough and he looked away defeated; getting up, and turning in early. Everyone followed suit they were all exhausted.
...
The next morning when Will came downstairs April was dancing but to actual music in the kitchen. He stopped and watched her, he missed mornings like this, watching her do her thing in the kitchen, cooking brought her so much joy and after last night he was happy to see her happy.
"Good morning," He said somewhat softly.
"Morning," she said with a small smile.
He would've waited but time was of the essence so he asked, "I need to say something and I hope it won't upset you but I think it needs to be said," Will started.
April stopped what she was doing and looked at him, waiting for him to disclose, a nervousness building within her.
"I haven't told, nor do I plan on telling Natalie about what happened between us. I'd appreciate it if you didn't either," Will said seriously.
He was pulling that professional tone again; his voice cool. Besieged on all sides April, couldn't get a break as she looked back at him mirroring his cold tone.
"I hadn't exactly planned on it either," April answered before turning to continue mixing the orange flavored pancakes she was making.
Will felt a little guilty adding to her problems but it had to be addressed at some time. Just then the door opened and Connor and Natalie came in from their run.
"If you guys want to clean up this will all be ready in fifteen minutes," April announced.
They both ascended up the stairs and got in the shower. Natalie was peeling off her running pants when she noticed how hairy her legs were. She looked for a razor and realized she hadn't brought one so she went to Will's bag to see if he packed a disposable one. She was looking in the small pocket inside his suitcase when the pill bottle rolled out. She looked closer at it wondering what medication he was on. She was shocked at the prescription. She thought she heard the floor boards creak so she hastily shoved them back, zipping up the suitcase as she scurried to the bathroom. She got in the shower unable to get her mind off the pills; wondering why a man as young and virile as Will would need that kind of medication.
They all sat and ate breakfast but the mood had changed with everyone; there was too much said and not said between them. Usually it would be Nat that would bring them together but she was still milling over her little discovery. So shockingly of all people it was April.
"I think we need a game, I saw you had a pool table I could take anyone here or we could play cards oh and I noticed the hot tub."
Natalie perked up at the idea and looked to Will who shrugged Connor was still in a funk but he nodded. They settled on a card game with partners. The game relieved some of the tension and they were soon laughing. It was reaching lunch time but there was no time like the present to have a drink so they all had beers and the social lubrication eventually loosened everyone up. They were on their last game. Natalie and Will were getting schooled by Connor and April so they wrapped up the final round. Just then Natalie had a thought.
"So I know I had my fair share of drinks the night we went to the karaoke bar but I seriously have no idea what happened," Natalie asked.
"Yeah me neither, one second we were dancing and the next we were at Gaffney," April added.
The memory of watching her dance made Will look at his hands in shame.
"So we got to the club and I had to use the bathroom," Connor started,
"You mean abandon me," Will teased.
Connor shrugged with a giggle, "I go to the bathroom and the guy next to me is you know doing his business until he falls to the ground, still pissing mind you, and frothing from the mouth," he explained.
Natalie and April laughed.
"So that's where that smell came from," Will laughed as he pointed to Connor before saying, "This guy comes out and gets me and I go to the bathroom and there is this guy on the floor with his dick out and all I can think is 'what the hell Connor I am not into this,'" Will laughed as Connor playfully punched his shoulder.
Natalie and April continued laughing.
Connor smiled saying, "To make a long story short the guy had overdosed."
They decided on the hot tub after dinner. Natalie got a razor from April and they hung out soaking and trying their best to relax. The overall mood had changed for the better as they talked shop more and discussed what specialty April might go into.
"I don't know yet maybe PEDS," Natalie raised her beer at her.
"Or even surgery although I'm not sure what. I think when I get back to school it'll be clearer," April admitted.
"You'd be amazing in trauma," Will started, "You're fast, you think on your feet, and you're right ninety percent of the time which is actually better than a lot of the doctors I work with; better than me."
His tone was allowing his deep admiration and awe of her to spill out. No one could follow it up but his admission prompted Connor to say,
"I didn't realize you guys worked that much together."
"Will helped me study a lot," April added.
"Maybe you need another tutor; considering you took time off," Connor suggested.
He hadn't meant for it to come off as an insult but he had managed to offend April and Will with his comment.
"April finished very strong, there was nothing wrong with her tutor," Will said with a smile but he was annoyed.
"Oh no I didn't mean it like that just that I could've tutored you," Connor's tone was flirtatious as he squeezed April's hand under the water.
Her mood softened until he asked,
"Why did you take the time off if you were excelling?"
"Long story," April said getting up from the hot tub.
Everyone went silent again. April had enough she wasn't ready yet and Connor had been a bit relentless. She knew he deserved some kind of explanation but this was not the time or the place. He followed her out; the dripping sounds of water filling the awkward silence they left in the tub for Will and Natalie.
"That's going to be another fight," Natalie remarked; taking in the last sips of her beer.
Will shook his head and said, "Probably, however I would rather focus on us," he leaned in and kissed her.
The kiss deepening until he pulled away.
"Let's go upstairs," he said with a grin.
Natalie smiled and they took off to their room.
Connor followed April up to their bedroom. When the door closed he leaned in and kissed her and she kissed him back. She wanted to move forward so she plunged her tongue in his mouth but her doctor's words rang in her head and if she had another panic attack after being with Connor she would undo months of work and she still wouldn't have any solutions for her "off limits" problems. His hands were on breasts one moving down her stomach toward her sex when she pulled out of the kiss.
"Connor wait-,"
He was kissing her neck slipping his hand into her bikini bottom.
"Connor stop!" Her volume surprising even her.
He let out a defeated sigh and put his forehead to hers; his hands on the door next to her head.
"I don't know what to do anymore April," one of his hands had moved to her chin centering her face to his, "I have been inside every spot of your body; half of me grew inside of your womb," his other hand on her stomach, "But I'm not allowed in there," he said using his pointer finger to lightly tap her forehead.
"We've been here before. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this…," Connor said with a deep heaving sigh.
He stepped away from her and grabbed a hoodie, his shoes, and his keys and then he walked out. April slid her hand over her stomach where he had touched her. Her eyes glistening ready to cry as she tried to keep it together at his words until she broke and slid down the door sobbing.
Eventually her voice and throat became raw and her head was spinning from the drinks and her tears so she went downstairs to get a glass of water.
...
The headboard pounded against the wall as Natalie's moans filled the bedroom before she came. Will never got there but he recognized it with her. The entire time he felt disconnected, his erection artificial and his member numb inside of her. This was not what he dreamed and he felt nauseous inside. This is what hookers must feel like the first time. He got up pasting a fake smile on his face.
"I need a glass of water," he said pulling up his pajama bottoms, "You want anything?"
Natalie smiled and shook her head no as she got up to go to the restroom. Will was downstairs when he saw April getting water when she turned around her bloodshot eyes gave away her mood.
"April what's wrong?" Will asked.
"I think I destroy everything I touch," April said despondently, "I push everyone away and I don't know why."
He moved to hug her and she felt safe in his arms until she took a deep breath, the smell of salt and Natalie's perfume repulsed her and she pulled away. Will was taken aback until he felt the irony. He was downstairs feeling more at home holding April in a hug than he felt while being inside of Natalie.
"I have to wait for Connor," April said moving to the living room and sitting on the couch.
Will returned upstairs and Natalie was lying down, her eyes already closed. He laid down next to her putting his arm around her but he couldn't sleep. He had made a terrible mistake and he knew it but he talked himself into it.
"I just need more time."
He repeated in his head over and over, the brainwashing lullaby, until he finally fell asleep.
When morning came Connor was up early and ready to leave he needed this weekend to be over. He came over to the couch and woke April; she'd fallen asleep there waiting for him. In the middle of the night when he had returned he'd seen her there so he'd put a blanket on her. April got up and got dressed. Connor had packed most of her things and before Natalie and Will were even awake they departed. It would've seemed rude but he had a surgery at noon and he wanted to be home before then. The car ride was silent and cold again.
"Where did you go all night?" April asked.
"Nowhere, everywhere, it doesn't matter," he answered sharply.
"It matters to me, I waited for you," April said; her voice vulnerable.
"I'm going to give you one more chance; I'm begging you...if you love me as much I love you, you will tell me the truth, if not then please don't say anything else for the rest of the drive home," Connor said; his tone flat and defeated.
There was nothing but silence until Connor let out a sigh. He was done; until finally April spoke.
"I was injured...pretty badly last spring," April started, "I took a few weeks off of work and that's when I moved in with Will."
Connor released another sigh but it was one of relief.
"I know that much, I actually stopped by your house, some of the nurses had mentioned that a patient had hit you and you took time off of work but why would that make you want to move?" Connor asked; still confused and not completely satisfied.
"God, hospital gossip; can't even get the stories straight," April scoffed, "When I got hurt at work it was that gang member who kicked me in the stomach that's how I lost David."
The memory angered her; the life of their child cut off senselessly. The anger helped her get through the next sentence.
"No, I was out because I had two injured ribs; one cracked the other badly bruised. I swear it still aches when it rains," April said still holding her resolve.
"All that from a patient? I'm sorry I'm not following," Connor asked; still confused but his eyes were softening.
"No, no... there was no patient. It was my lab partner. I invited him out with a group of us for drinks one night. Afterwards he walked me home and asked to use my restroom...but he didn't actually have to use the restroom," April felt numb at the revelation she still hadn't even talked about it in therapy.
Connor was quiet he was trying his best to push away the growing dread; the thought of someone hurting April on purpose, out of his head.
"He tried to kiss me so I slapped him, he didn't like that, so we fought….he damn near broke my ribs…and he almost strangled me to death," April said.
The tears were falling down her face but they did nothing to quell her numbness.
The car was slowing down as Connor pulled over to the shoulder; his blue eyes intense and welling with tears. He turned to her undoing his belt.
"I would never hurt you, never lay a hand on you, you know that right?" Connor said his hand against her cheek.
She turned to face him, her face pained by the last detail she had to tell him.
"He strangled me because I wouldn't stop screaming…while he was…..um….while he was raping me."
Connor's mouth dropped as the first tear left his eye.
"What," his voice was so hollow she could barely hear him.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but... it's really hard for me to talk about," she sobbed.
His face curled trying to absorb the rage he felt at someone, anyone, hurting her like that.
"You have nothing to be sorry about, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Connor said his forehead against hers.
"I'm so sorry."