Chapter Summary

April is finally ready to move on and address her issues but this time with Connor there to support her. However on the other side Will is starting to fall apart, the world he built around himself to shield from the pain of being rejected by April is beginning crumble.

"I hate that it happened to me more than anyone will ever understand, I have never felt so powerless... so out of control, it felt like the world was coming undone all around me. I remember being so afraid I thought my chest was going to explode; my heart had never beaten that fast before."

April was looking at the floor unable to look at either Connor or Dr. Winkler; she was zoned out in the memory.

"When he was…um….everything narrowed to a tiny point. I tried to remove myself from the feeling, the situation, all I had left was my mind."

April's tears fell silent she wasn't choked up by them they fell as naturally as blinking.

"He hadn't gotten there so I began talking myself out of it; finding the faces of my loved ones. I started reciting some medical advice and jargon; answering questions."

It dawned on April in that moment that Will was the last voice she heard before she finally came to and it may have been his voice "his presence" in her head that was the source of her panic attacks after the incident.

"A protrusion of all or part of an organ through the wall of the cavity that contains it,"

"oww-no!God help me,"

"April focus,"

"Her-nia,"

"Ruptured heart wall"

"Cardiorrhexis-ow"

"Stay with me,"

"I can't…I can't,"

April had completely stopped talking her mind back in that night; the hell she'd endured and tried to mentally escape; Will's voice acting as a tether to a strange world; their bubble. It wasn't until Connor squeezed her hand that she realized she wasn't there anymore. Her eyes glazed over, her tears sticky on her cheeks as they dried. They stopped for the day. It was more than Dr. Winkler had gotten out of April in months and he could see the connection she had with Connor, but she needed a break; she was emotionally exhausted.

Connor took April home and she passed out, her head in his lap, as he stroked her hair. He took her to her bed and tucked her in before heading over to Molly's to have a drink. He needed one after the last forty-eight hours. When she told him in the car he wanted to do nothing else but hold her but he had a surgery.

He kept it together through the procedure; the usefulness remedied the pain and helplessness he felt. But when he got home it began unraveling. He dropped one of his socks after getting out of the shower, he picked it up, and accidentally dropped it again; this time in a glass of water on his coffee table. He found himself throwing his shoes, socks and then tossing his coffee table. He was so angry, of course not at her, but at what happened to her and a little at himself for feeling like he had put too much pressure on her to disclose her truth, one she hadn't even told her doctor. She must've noticed because she invited him to a session. He was feeling as zoned out as she was when Will snapped his fingers and waved his hand next to him.

"You good?" Will asked playfully but still curious.

"Oh yeah, yeah just a lot of stuff going through my head right now," Connor answered; leaning back in his chair before he took a sip of his whiskey.

He looked over at Will recollecting the last time they saw each other.

"By the way I never got a chance to apologize to you and Natalie about my behavior over the weekend," Connor said regretfully.

"Don't worry about it, all couples fight, it happens," Will said shrugging his shoulders.

"April," Connor said sighing and staring into his glass.

Will nodded understanding more in the tone of her name than Connor even realized.

Both men were staring at the large flat screen TV watching and not watching the game on the screen.

"You knew didn't you?"

It was revealing and his tone was too grim and shattered for Will not to know what he was alluding to.

"Yeah," Will said in all but a regretful whisper, "She didn't tell me, I actually kind of always knew but she would never really say it."

Will now shared the same zoned out look in his eyes that Connor had.

"Did you know she came to work the following Monday?" Will said, "She was in total denial about all of it, Ethan noticed first and then it just kind of snowballed from there."

Will picked up his beer and took a gulp hoping he could swallow some of the emotions he felt about the memory; about her.

"She would do that," Connor said and he began to laugh at the thought of April doing something so irrational until Will realized his laughter had turn to tears.

Connor got up and went to the restroom. Will followed a moment later to check on him. Connor practically tackled him in a hug.

"Thank you for getting her out of there and for encouraging her to get help," Connor wiped his face. "I'm so grateful that I get to be here for her now, to see her through this. I've got to go but I got your beer, it's the least I can do for the whole weekend crap." He said recognizing the paltry offer.

He gave Will a pat on the back and then he left. Will stood their seemingly holding his breath before he ran to the stall and vomited. The whole situation was becoming too much for him and the nauseated feeling he had after making love to Natalie continued to loom.

He'd encouraged April to get help and he was hoping they could've healed together but instead she was getting help with her new boyfriend. He sunk down to the bathroom floor and leaned against the side of the stall giving the other side a hard kick as he thumped his head back on the door. "1,2,3,4,5,6…,7,8,9,10.. God, why didn't she want me? What did I do so wrong?

…

"When did you first feel that powerlessness or the feeling of being out of control again? I only ask because those kinds of triggers are usually what brings about panic attacks."

"Off limits," April responded quickly

She was meeting with Dr. Winker and she'd brought Connor again. She wanted to tackle the actual panic attacks; which meant there had to be some amount of truth if she was going to figure out how to have a healthy sexual relationship with Connor.

"Okay, okay," Dr. Winkler conceded.

She wanted to talk about it but she didn't want to mention Will. So she made the next the admission.

"I'm sorry, I've been so used to saying no but I think I do want to talk about that." She took a deep breath before starting," Months ago, unplanned, I slept with someone and afterward I had my first panic attack."

April still felt guilty making that admission knowing she was now with Connor and that she couldn't tell him who, per Will's wishes and really her own. He was seated next to her still supportive but now he was curious again. He shouldn't have been but he had told her all of his past dating experiences. This was neither the time nor the place so he put his attention back to the task at hand.

"I was still holding onto the lie I'd constructed for myself, it was keeping me alive until it happened again but…during," April admitted.

She was embarrassed because of how masked the recall was; how Connor had actually been there moments before she seduced Will and recklessly used the experience to open up her wound. A wound she then punished Will for trying to heal.

Dr. Winkler hadn't gotten much out of April until the current and last session but even now he could see that something was different in her face and her tone, he'd been doing this kind of work long enough to know there was more to the story but he could also see how intrigued Connor was and he didn't want to open up the session to it. This was not couples counseling.

"So April I want to try a technique for your panic attacks called exposure. Exposure is done gradually, starting with low to moderately stressful experiences and situations, and building the 'emotional muscle' with each successive step, until you can confidently take on the toughest challenges. Cognitive skills and mindfulness are practiced during exposure, to minimize discomfort and maximize success. Once your brain learns that these feelings and sensations are not dangerous, it stops sounding the alarm, stops triggering panic." Dr. Winkler stated before he asked,

"How did you feel the first time Connor kissed you?" he asked with a kind smile.

"I felt a little nervous but as soon as we kissed it went away, I mean its kind hard to tell the difference. Connor and I have kissed in the past I mean we're sort picking up where we left off so I'm a little anxious," April said shrugging with a half-smile.

"And this technique could work so we can actually try doing things?" Connor asked with a bashful grin.

April had to laugh at it he had been particularly patient and incredibly supportive of her through the last couple of months. She was ready to finally move on, Will had, and she had made some powerful breakthroughs in therapy; it was time.

…

"Okay how about this?" Connor said.

April giggled, "It tickles actually, just do it," April said trying to be a little more serious and focused.

Connor looked at her again with a devilish look but an innocent smile as his mouth engulfed her breast. The feeling didn't panic her so she let him continue. He stopped and climbed on top of her so their bodies were even.

"You okay?"

"Yes," She said with a smile.

She could feel the stiffness on her leg. Her eyes narrowed down and his followed.

"Sorry," he smiled apologetically.

'Don't be, you know we might be taking things slow with me but we don't have to with you," April said raising her eyebrows at him. "Lay down."

He flipped to his back putting one arm behind his head. April straddled him kissing his lips first and then trailing tiny kisses with her tongue down his stomach to the stiffness she felt earlier. Her mouth enveloped it and she received him as far as she could to the back of her throat, he used his free hand to pull her hair out the way to see her face but the heat of her mouth forced his eyes closed. He could feel her mouth tighten to a suckle as she bobbed vigorously against him; her tongue twirling around him pushing him to the edge. The wordless incoherent moans were a signal before the gush of honey textured liquid filled her mouth and her throat. His hips were pushing up as he groaned recklessly.

"Wow, that was a lot," April smiled almost shyly wiping the corner of her mouth.

Connor was still trying to get his wits; his lower lip was almost numb and he was letting out small gasps.

"It's been a while," he said laughing.

"We'll get there," April answered with a wink as she curled up to him.

…

When Will saw Connor at Molly's he'd listened to him talk about April and her attack and it had made him sick, but the final straw came after a game of pick-up. Connor divulged that they were trying different things out sexually to help her overcome her panic attacks. Connor was excited and happy but his words made Will feel empty, numb and finally angry. His sadness was like a stone he'd swallowed heavy in his stomach, crushing him until nothing was left of him but anger. He put every last ounce of energy he had into his happiness with Natalie; pretending everything was fine while he was with Connor or April and it was taxing. Natalie had notice his grumpy ways had returned but he assured her it was just the stress of working in the ED and pulling too many double shifts.

But at night when he was alone with his thoughts he would find himself ready to break down and let the rock tumble, but whenever he felt like he could move the rock the emotions flooded him; overwhelming him like a cracked dam and he'd plug the hole. The rock was now a boulder plugging a larger dam but how long could he hold it in place?