Chapter Summary

April and Will have both taken time to heal but when are they going to find their way back to each other or will they?

Feeling like a pariah around Connor and Natalie allowed Will to form a unique bond with Dr. Charles. They'd spent a few lunches together before Daniel casually and not so casually offered to talk to him on his private time and Will agreed. They discussed Will's feelings of anger over April and his own behavior as well as the responsibility that he had to take for pulling Natalie into his mess and ultimately not getting out when he realized that April would be back in his life. Will realized that he hadn't really felt torn because he was in love with two women but that he felt torn because essentially he was doing to Natalie what he felt April was doing to him; using him. Eventually he worked through that as well forgiving himself for letting it get as far as it had. The torn feeling also came from knowing deep down that April had loved him the entire time and that he wasn't done punishing her for the way the events unfolded. He had to forgive her but actually do it this time. And time helped it aided in clearing up the question of what he needed and what he wanted.

He may have wanted Natalie at one point but he both wanted and needed April his body, his heart, his everything; belonged to her. That's what three months into spring had told him. His rage dissolved and his head unclouded. Things between him and Natalie were amicable. He and Connor remained tense for a while until finally Connor came around; it happened one day in the elevator, he casually mentioned running into one of the dentists they used to play basketball against. The other doctor had wanted to reunite their game of pick-up and they agreed. Things were as good as they could've been with everyone; except April. Her name was unspeakable; ironically an unspoken rule between them, they both just knew better. Eventually Connor no longer had the hurt that he carried in his eyes that day at the restaurant. Strangely enough he had begun dating Dr. Charles' daughter when she joined the staff. He seemed happy and it showed but the same could not be said of Will he wasn't angry but that sadness never left and Connor noticed.

"Have you seen her?" Connor asked almost apologetically.

"Who?" Will asked confused.

"April," Connor said with a half-smile.

A surprise look flashed through Will's eyes at Connor mentioning She-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named before shaking his head no.

"I noticed that you turned down that hot pathologist who asked you out after our game, what was that all about?" Connor asked knowing the answer.

Will just shrugged the emptiness in his eyes a sharp dichotomy to the closed mouth smile he gave Connor. Connor knew the feeling and recognized the look. He shook his head before saying,

"You are the last person I could've seen myself hanging out with…ever," he said laughing, "And this is the last thing on the earth I thought I would ever hear myself say, but you need to call her." Connor said giving him a friendly pat on the back.

Will still had the shocked expression on his face and couldn't believe what he was hearing. Connor smiled again walking off the court before turning around to say,

"Everyone's moved on Will, it would be a shame if you let her move on without you."

A small pit formed in Will's stomach as he thought about April with someone else, but her words; those last words she said to him lingered. "I'll wait for you and when you're ready; find me."

In all honesty Will didn't know if he was ready or even when he would be. The wound she had cast in him had run so deep but it was healing. The anger cast aside replaced now with fear. Will finally had some peace and he was simply too afraid to disturb it. So he decided to do something that was safe; he'd find her, but not approach her. A few weeks after their game he decided to visit the hospital April worked at.

The University of Chicago Medicine's campus was so different from Gaffney's it felt foreign, misplaced, and wrong to him. It was odd that this could be April's new home. He walked the halls giving himself a private tour of the grounds. The spring air brought a flowery fragrance that wrapped and circled his nose; it was nice, it relaxed him. The entire "mission" was a shot in the dark. He didn't know her schedule but he knew she was nursing here now and she would eventually do her training here after she finished medical school. He wondered about that too. Had she gone back? If so how was she doing? Was she studying enough? How did her exams go? Did she feel safe here? Was she happy? He was so caught up in his thoughts that it took him too long to register the light water trickle like laughter coming from the woman descending down the stairs. He ducked his tall frame behind a group of people walking by.

He almost didn't recognize her. The glowing brown skin was familiar, the slanted doe eyes, and large grin pulled across her face making her shine. It blurred everyone around her. Her long neck appearing even longer from the straightened braid gracefully lying against it; her hair was straight. He'd never seen it that way. Will realized in that moment he was doing it again staring for too long and for a second he thought she saw him. He quickly walked away heading to the subway. He wasn't ready yet; her presence still overwhelmed him,

"That isn't normal I'm not ready ."

So he stayed away.

When April hung up the phone she thought her chest would cave in. It wasn't a panic attack but she was more than heartbroken; she was gambling, hoping that maybe he would want to be with her after the dust settled. She knew that what had transpired between the four of them was not right. She had made a mistake pushing Will away, she shouldn't have started a relationship with Connor it had been completely unfair to him as well as to Natalie; her friend.

In the months to come she sheltered a lot of the blame wallowing in guilt but eventually she came to realize that Will should have backed off his relationship with Natalie too and in some ways he was just as much at fault. This was the second time the denial of their feelings for each other had blown up in their faces and neither of them could handle a third.

April had only one more session with her therapist before she left Gaffney and she needed to finally come clean there too. She had said everything that she needed to about her attack. She didn't flee anymore from the subject, there were no more "off limits" topics and they had discussed it as thoroughly as she ever would with a stranger.

"You mentioned that you and Connor were no longer dating, were there anymore panic attacks?" Dr. Winkler asked.

"No I never had any panic attacks while we were together," April answered truthfully.

"Why do you think that is?" he asked raising an eyebrow.

"Honestly, because it wasn't all of me, there was always pieces of me that never could quite open up to Connor, I think that I have high standards for the way I think people should act and when they don't meet them I begin closing doors on folks," April answered with a shrug.

Dr. Winkler's face looked as though he wanted her to continue so she did.

"Have I ever told you about my parents? I have great parents they have always been very supportive and loving, so loving; you know they took in a friend of mine in high school who was going through a really rough time." April said nodding. "They could see he was going to be someone special, they have a knack for that, they saw it in my brother Noah too…," sadness had crept into April's voice. "But they couldn't see it me….'You fly too high Icarus,'" April said mimicking her father's voice.

She looked up at Dr. Winkler, "Imagine that huh, your own parents being the first people that you close a door to in your heart and in your head….after they let you down."

"Did Connor let you down?" he asked.

April nodded, "The first time we dated yes but ultimately I ended up being the one to let him down so…." She exhaled a deep breath.

"Has there been anyone that hasn't disappointed you?" Dr. Winkler asked with a curious smile.

April shook her head no but then she said, "I had this friend, the one that encouraged me to see you, and he has definitely said things to me in the past that were hurtful and beyond disappointing but when I closed those doors it was like they were made of glass. I could still see him standing there. It was like I could never really cut him off because he 'd become a part of me."

April's eyes were lost in the thought of Will. His fiery hair, his eyes intense one moment, seductive the next, and then so soft and so fragile in a literal blink, the salty-cedar orange zest his skin gave off and his rumbling laugh that seem to come from the depth of him. A place that April felt like she'd been invited to numerous times. A place only she held the invitation to; their little bubble.

Dr. Winkler was watching April who was carried away someplace. He disturbed her quiet to say,

"He sounds like someone who has made an immense impression on you," Dr. Winkler stated before continuing, "You said 'had' are you no longer friends?"

April shrugged because in all honesty she didn't know what they were. They were like fire and ice one moment and then pure harmony another. The conversation on the phone left everything in Will's hands and after their encounter in the on-call room she really had no idea where they stood.

"It was him," April confessed, "I had my first and second panic attacks with him."

Dr. Winkler nodded as his observations in a past session were finally making things clearer so he asked, "Has there been any other contact between you two?"

April nodded before saying, "But no panic attacks."

"Why do you think that is?"

"Because for the first time in a long time I'm clearer about who I am and what I want and what I can control...and what I can't." April said with a closed mouth smile.

The little bird clock that Dr. Winkler kept on his wall sounded a canary cry and the session was over. It would be April's last since she was closing the door on Gaffney. She shook his hand and thanked him for his help and his time before walking down the stairs to leave. She decided to exit from the front this time. She wasn't ashamed and she wanted to say goodbye to a few people that she knew she wouldn't see on her last shift. One of those people was Natalie.

"Hey Nat," April said, her voice small but confident.

Natalie turned to her the same bittersweet sadness that filled her eyes when she broke up with Will was there.

"April," she nodded before beginning to walk away.

"I'm sorry Nat," April blurted out, "We were friends long before there was a me and Connor and-,"

"-And a Will and April?" Natalie shot back quickly.

April absorbed the hit, "Yeah."

She nodded, "Good luck April, and don't hurt him this time okay?" Natalie said with a sad smile.

April nodded and smiled. She really didn't know if there was even going to be a Will and April but she was hopeful somewhere in the future there could be a April and Natalie again.

When April started her new job the off-putting pink scrubs that most of the nurses wore weirded her out and trying to find a decent coffee vendor was rough but eventually she got the hang of things and found her stride. One morning before going into work she decided that she wanted to try something different. She pulled out her flat iron and smoothed out her bouncy coiled curls. Her hair hung in shiny sheets down her shoulders telling stories of each half inch of growth all of it with her. As beautiful as it was it wasn't practical so she made a French braid allowing the excess to fall down her back.

When she got to work they were hosting the new interns, she recognized some from campus, one girl Sunni, had basically been a class clown but she was brilliant and her quick wit and sharp humor always made April laugh. They were walking down the stairs to the main level. Sunni was telling April about a disastrous date with an architect and April couldn't contain her laughter over the mess of her night. She rolled her eyes at Sunny and then looked across campus. It was just for a moment but she swore she saw him. His tall frame hovering over a group of people, a grey shirt hugging his chest, his red hair popping against the drab-colored surroundings, but then just like that he was gone. She thought of Will often but as the months had stretched she wondered if he would ever call her would he ever find her? Did he even want to?