A formal warning: This story will contain abuse, non-con/rape, death, dark themes, it will not contain graphic descriptions of such.

*****And I don't own HP, or the excerpts from the book/movie you see below*****

"Dora?"

"Mhm?" She asked, not bothering to open her eyes.

"You need to get up, love, the Order meeting is starting soon." Remus said, and she felt him rubbing her back.

This was what she had wanted for a while, an actual meeting, where they could discuss actual problems they'd be facing in their effort to keep alive and win this war. However, now that the day of the meeting was here, she really didn't want to get out of bed.

Remus had helped her look through the books to see if there was any potion to ease morning sickness, which seemed to be getting progressively worse for her. Unfortunately, there was none. It had gotten so bad she had begun saying it was a "good day" if she could make it through a shower or down the stairs without getting sick and having to run for the nearest bathroom, and Sirius remarked on a few occasions that her expectations had sunk really low if that was all she needed to have a good day.

Harry and Hermione asked no questions about the ex-Auror's new illness, but they were hardly paying attention to anything the adults did- unless they needed help with something. Ron's departure had caused them to work harder than ever, even though they were still not making progress.

"Dora, we're going to be late."

She remembered dimly that had been exactly what he said the morning before she went to the Death Eater meeting, although their late arrival had been for an entirely different- possibly related- reason.

She actually liked the idea that their late arrival to that particular meeting was the reason she was having difficulty getting out of bed- or doing anything, really- on a daily basis. She figured she must be nearly eleven weeks by now, and was hoping the morning sickness would let up soon. Unfortunately, it didn't seem to be letting up at all.

Even Remus, who was a few days away from a full moon, had more energy than she did.

"Dora, do you want to miss the meeting?"

"No." She mumbled. "But if I move, I might vomit."

"I have an idea about that, actually." Remus said. She lifted her head enough to turn to face him, opening her eyes finally. He was kneeling next to the bed so that he was eye level with her. "Why don't we talk to Molly?"

"To Molly?" Tonks asked, frowning slightly.

"She's been pregnant a few times-"

"Only a few."

Remus laughed lightly. "I think she may have some good advice about this."

"Remus, Molly gets so excited about things. She'll want to celebrate or something." Tonks said. "And I don't want to."

"We can ask her not to plan anything, if she mentions it." Remus said. "She may know something that can help, love."

"I still don't want to get up."

"But you want to attend the meeting."

"Mhm."

"Do you want me to ask that we hold the meeting in our bedroom?" Remus asked, and she laughed quietly.

"No, I'm getting up." She said, pushing the blanket off of her. "I thought I'd be awake sooner."

Remus straightened up as she sat up and grabbed her discarded sweater from the end of the bed.

"I know it's apparently normal to feel this ill and tired but I just don't like that I've been having issues getting out of bed. I didn't think it'd be this bad." She said.

"That's why I suggest we talk to Molly. She may know something that will help." Remus said, and she sighed and then nodded.

"I suppose we should, then." She said, pulling the sweater over her head and stuffed her feet into her slippers.

"Do you feel like you're going to be sick right now?" Remus asked as she stood.

"No..." Tonks said slowly. "I'm not sure if I should be relieved, or worried that I might get sick later."

"Well, the meeting probably won't be too long, I know a lot of us don't want the entire Order in one place for too long, even with the enchantments." Remus said as they left the bedroom and headed downstairs.

The kitchen was crowded as they entered. Extra chairs had been transfigured, but a few Order members were standing near the walls and back door. Kingsley was sitting at the table, and stood as she entered.

"Do you want to sit, Dora?" Kingsley asked, but she shook her head, following Remus to stand near the sink. She grabbed a glass and filled it with water.

"I know this meeting is going to be short, but it's good that we can meet up, discuss new information and check in on each other." Arthur began. "First, Molly and I were wondering if anyone has heard from Ron."

Harry and Hermione exchanged guilty glances, and a large majority of the Order shook their head or answered that they hadn't. Tonks noticed Bill hadn't said anything or shook his head. Instead, he looked away from Arthur completely. That seemed suspicious to Tonks, but if Bill knew where Ron was, at least they knew Ron probably hadn't met Snatchers or Death Eaters after his departure.

"I wanted to make sure everyone knew that Gringotts has been convinced to have guards placed. They'll be checking for enchantments or- as I believe- reporting anyone who is considered wanted by the Death Eaters." Bill said. "There's still a few weeks before that's in place, I strongly suggest all of you visit your vaults before then, we won't know who in this room is on the list."

"We can probably guess, based on who the Ministry is looking for. They've just issued a warrant for you, Kingsley, and are still looking to arrest Tonks. They do know the address on your file is fake, and that's worsened the cases for both of you." Arthur said.

"Well, why would we let them find us? We know they won't sentence us to life in Azkaban, they'd kill us first." Tonks said. "Or, keep us imprisoned to try to get as much information as they could."

"Which reminds me." Kingsley said. "We know Alastor is alive, we know he's probably being held at the Malfoy place. However, it's been brought to my attention that passing their boundaries and entering enemy territory would be a suicide mission- and would simply harm our attempts at winning this war."

"How do we know they won't kill him?" Hermione asked.

"Alastor knows how to play their game." Tonks said. "They know he'll have valuable information. He could tell them where this house, where Grimmauld is, the names of people helping us. And he knows if he gives small amounts of information at a time, they won't be able to do anything until they have the rest of the information. So, naturally, they'd keep him alive. It's what he told me when he was training me. If I can't get away with refusal, simply give them tiny bits of useless information. If they think you have more information, they won't kill you."

"You don't think that eventually, they'll get tired of waiting?" Bill asked.

"Eventually." Kingsley said. "That's why I hope we can find a way to get him out before that happens. How much longer do you think you're safe to keep working?"

"Not much longer." Arthur said. "They're asking a lot of questions. Mostly because we're known to be friendly with so many people who are betraying the Ministry. They must know we're technically doing that too."

"Will you be safe at the Burrow if you have to stop working? Can't they find you?" Harry asked.

"Sure they can, which is why we won't be there." Arthur said. "We're looking into changing safe houses for our family. However, while Ginny's at school, it's best we act like we know nothing of the Order."

"Posing as ex-Order members, then?" Remus asked, and Molly nodded.

"It'll be easy, because they'll never see any of you at the Burrow, and if we communicate with patronuses between meetings, we can't be caught." Molly said. "It might make it easier for us to go to Diagon Alley without the need of a disguise-"

"Depending on what you're going for." Sirius said. "I went with Remus, and we got suspicious looks while buying books."

"That may have been because of the books themselves." Remus said. "And you're well known by now, Sirius. And I don't think disguises will help in some cases. Dora had issues buying the ingredients for Wolfsbane a while ago. She bought as much as she could, but they doubled and tripled the prices because they must have figured she was a werewolf or was helping one."

"Actually, they thought I worked for the Ministry, so the Ministry must be regulating the ingredients." Tonks said. "Possibly trying to stop them from selling them, or to try to catch werewolves buying them."

"Even at regular price, very few werewolves could afford it- the Ministry won't catch werewolves buying the ingredients." Remus said. "They'll be trying to catch people who support werewolves."

"So, unfortunately, once the ingredients you have run out, you may be unable to get more." Arthur said.

"I can handle that." Remus said.

Tonks felt a wave of nausea roll over her.

Oh God, not right now.

Tonks ran a hand over her mouth, glancing at Remus. She could tell by Remus' expression that she knew it was obvious she wasn't feeling well again. She also knew there was no way she was leaving the kitchen unseen, or at all- the nausea was escalating far too quickly. She was sure if she moved, she would vomit.

Deep breath, focus on what Arthur's saying, you really don't have to vomit...

"I wanted to also mention that I overhead someone at the Ministry mention that there's been a taboo placed on You-Know-Who's name. Don't say his name, or you'll have a dozen Snatchers or Death Eaters come for you." Arthur said. "Even if enchantments are placed, apparently they fall the moment you say it."

She was going to be sick, in front of the entire Order. Could she pass it off as stress? Food poisoning? Poisoning in general?

She spun towards the sink just as she felt bile rise in her throat. Her fingers clutched the side of the sink so tightly, her knuckles were almost white. She was grateful that she had given up morphing for the last few weeks so that her hair was always long enough to keep constantly tied back- vomit in her hair once was more than enough.

She hadn't eaten since the afternoon before, and her throat was burning after she had vomited up the water she had had only a few minutes prior. She heard someone say something and felt Remus' hand on her back.

"Tonks, dear, are you alright?" Molly asked.

"Dora's just not feeling her best." Remus said. Remus grabbed a dish towel, handing it to her. "Do you want me to lie for you?" He whispered in her ear as he filled up a glass of water for her.

For a second, she debated on saying yes, but she realised the Order had to know sooner or later, maybe sharing the news would make it more exciting.

She shook her head. "No, I suppose it's got to become known sooner or later." She said, wiping her mouth on the towel and turning back around. Molly and the rest of the Order looked concerned and a bit confused, and Molly had gotten up from her chair.

Tonks took a deep breath. "Remus and I are going to have a baby."

There was a general outcry of congratulations from the Order members who didn't know- which was everyone except Kingsley and Sirius- and it made Tonks feel even worse, for some reason. The conversation drifted away from the not so cheerful war related topics to everyone congratulating them and asking questions, and Tonks just began to feel overwhelmed.

"When are you due?"

"How far along are you?"

"How are you feeling so far?"

"Do you want a boy or girl?"

"Are you excited? Oh, I was so excited every time."

Molly sounded excited when she spoke, but Tonks shook her head, tears stinging her eyes. She was frustrated by easily she became emotional lately, and this barrage of questions wasn't helping.

"You're not excited, dear?" Molly asked, looking a little confused. "Oh, you must just be nervous about becoming a mother, and the morning sickness must not be helping!"

She suddenly felt like she was suffocating.

Everyone's questions, everyone's glances seemed to make her feel extremely exposed. Molly was frowning, but Tonks turned and rushed from the kitchen before Molly could speak again.

Remus walked towards the closed bedroom door, only a few minutes later. He was unable(and unwilling) to share the true reason why Tonks had left so quickly, instead taking the blame himself.

He had explained it, and then excused himself- it wouldn't have felt right if he hadn't followed Tonks from the room. Kingsley followed him as well, asking him to do a quick favour- perhaps it'd make Tonks feel better if Remus did it.

Remus opened the door slowly, closing it quietly behind him. She was laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, her hands resting on her stomach. "Dora?"

"I'm going to be a terrible mother. We shouldn't have told them."

"Why would you say that?" Remus asked, walking over and sitting on the edge of the bed. She sat up to face him.

"Because you heard Molly, she was excited every time, and I'm not excited-"

"Love, this is a very different case from Molly's." Remus said gently. "She loves Arthur, and he loves her-"

"Are you saying we don't love each other?" Tonks asked, looking heartbroken.

"No." Remus said. "I love you, and you love me. We know that. However, and I'm sorry I'm going to upset you for a moment, there is someone else involved here. That may be why you can't find it in yourself to be excited. It doesn't make you a bad mother, Dora."

"It's just... when they were asking those questions, especially Molly, I just realised. I don't know if I can go through with this, Remus." She said. "I just thought that maybe if others knew- maybe I'd realise it was a good thing and it wouldn't be so terrible."

Remus nodded. "Well, again, it's always going to be your decision." He said. "If you decide not to keep the baby, I'm going to support that, and you won't owe anyone an explanation."

She was quiet for a moment, wiping furiously at a tear on her cheek. As much as he felt bad for it, he actually found it adorable the way she got so frustrated when she got emotional. He liked seeing that her feisty attitude was still there. "I, uh, feel bad for leaving like that." Tonks finally said.

"It's alright, I took the blame."

She frowned. "You did? What did you say?"

"I told them it was my fault, I had scared you with some gruesome story about human women being infected by their unborn werewolf children."

Tonks looked horrified. "That's not possible, is it?"

Remus shook his head. "I don't believe so, I made it up on the spot."

"I really love you." She said.

"Molly said she'd leave a list of things that helped her through morning sickness. So, until you make an actual decision, her advice may help."

"Can you be truthful with me for a moment?" Tonks asked. "I'm asking you to tell me, honestly. No lies, no avoiding the topic. Just the complete truth."

"I can try."

"Remus, do you want this baby?"

Remus was quiet for a moment. "Yes, and no."

"Can you elaborate?"

"I've always wanted to be a father. I loved when James and Lily would let me babysit Harry so they could sneak out of the house for a couple of hours. However, I would worry that my child would be infected, that I would curse an innocent child- and I would never want that." Remus explained. "I would love to have a child with you, but I'd never forgive myself if I hurt you in any way, or infected a child."

"You said you made up that story-"

"I did, but it wouldn't just be physical pain I'd be concerned for. You'd be going through months of pregnancy, hours of labour, the pain and discomforts and everything... just for a child who would be ill, forced to undergo painful transformations every single month from the time its born. And I'd be the monster who was at fault."

"You're not a monster, Remus. Rodolphus is-"

"A different type of monster, but a monster nonetheless." Remus said. "No, Rodolphus didn't transform into anything, he wasn't any type of creature- he was just a terrible man. And he hurt you. That's unforgivable. And I know the idea that this baby may be a product of that experience- that's a terrible possibility. But Dora, you- the way you talked about those books. The way we sat here, together, and looked through them together, and you seemed genuinely happy and excited. Sometimes when you talk about it, you sound like you have everything planned already."

She was staring at the blanket.

"So you weren't excited today. You felt a little unsure today. That's alright. As long as you know that the decision you make is the right one." Remus said. "And you know, those of us who know, we'll understand whatever you choose."

"The book recommends doing the spell before the thirteenth week, and we don't even know when that is. It could be next week, or the week after, I just don't know." Tonks said. "I'm so scared that if I choose to keep it, I may wake up in two months or even in three weeks and change my mind- and it's too late. Or what if I do the spell? And then in April, realise I regret it because I don't get to celebrate the birth of my child? Or what if I regret going through with it?"

"Alastor and Kingsley didn't celebrate your birth, and you're still their daughter, are you not?" Remus asked. "This is why I'm so sure we can do this. You were raised by a man who wasn't your father- two, technically- and they still love you. You love them. And this child- our child- will be loved. No matter who fathered him or her. You asked for my honesty, correct?"

She nodded.

"I honestly believe that you will regret terminating the pregnancy, and I honestly believe you will love this child as much as your birth parents loved you and as much as Alastor and Kingsley love you. And Kingsley wanted me to give you this." Remus said, reaching into his robes and pulling out a small purple and blue stuffed panda bear. "He said it's-''

"The first thing they ever bought for me." Tonks said. "They kept it in a box of keepsakes, in their closet-"

"Along with your Hogwarts letter and a few other things from over the years." Remus said. "He told me that he planned to hold onto it with everything else for the memories, but he believed it may help to remind you that not all parents have the option- or in our case, choice- to have their own children, but it doesn't make them any less of a family. And it doesn't mean the children are any less loved."