'I'm so addicted now to the world within,
Now you see the wicked side of me,
I've had enough, but it pulls me in,
Now you see the wicked side of me.'
"The wicked side of me." – Cold Driven
Tuesday 11th July 2000
Sighing in pleasure, Rose lifted up her face to the sky. The warmth of the sun on her face was delicious. It felt like an age since she had experienced the sensation. Finally he had allowed her some small freedom, albeit with several of his followers acting as her guards and watching her every move.
It was so amusing to have Death Eaters following her around the grounds of Voldemort's manor! They looked so thrilled to be given the task! She focused back on the delight of being outside; breathing the summer air, feeling the light breeze on her face. She was savouring it; a month of being cooped up inside made you really appreciate the outdoors.
Spotting the oak tree, Rose decided to go and sit underneath it. She'd been walking for some time and it really was hot today. With her fair skin and auburn hair, she had to avoid too much sun. She sat down, resting her back against the trunk and relished the coolness of the tree's shelter. Her entourage halted and she saw that they were stood watching her.
She opened the book she had brought with her. She didn't know if she could focus on it, she needed to think, process the thoughts and emotions that were swirling inside of her. She leaned her head back against the tree and closed her eyes. She listened to the sounds of the birds conversing. She could not comprehend that just over five weeks ago she had been free and celebrating her birthday with her friends. It now felt like a lifetime ago, and that her present circumstances had been her life for years, not weeks.
As well as allowing her walks outside, Voldemort had also allowed her some other concessions. These were dependent on her behaviour meeting his approval She finally had some distractions to help pass the time. He had allowed her to occasionally have music to listen to and books to read, though magical books were off limits for her. He would not allow her the opportunity to obtain magical knowledge. More fool him! His arrogance was breath-taking. He clearly did not have any belief in the magical abilities of women. Her mystery voice had been correct in her opinion of him.
She was finding it difficult to tolerate interactions with his followers, especially the Malfoy's and Bellatrix. They were still in favour for their assistance in her capture. Dinner with them was interesting to put it mildly. Bellatrix glowered at her when Voldemort was not looking. She had discovered that Bellatrix was his mistress, or had been before her arrival. Little wonder then that Bellatrix hated her.
Narcissa, Lucius and Draco would look on her as they would upon some hideous creature emitting a nasty smell. But when Narcissa was distracted, Lucius and Draco would appraise her and attempt to charm and flirt with her. It made her skin crawl; she couldn't stand the pair of them.
But she played the game and encouraged them, for she knew it irked Narcissa and Bellatrix. And it seemed to bother Voldemort too, though he did not show it in public. In private he would make known his opinions on her behaviour. He told her more and more often that she was his. He was becoming very possessive of her. She hated it. Hated that he treated her like a possession, as if she was something that he owned.
She was becoming wiser as to what made him tick and when to challenge him. She was becoming aware of which buttons to push and when to push them. She had learnt to be subtle and ensure her comments were ambiguous. She never challenged him in the presence of his followers. She was playing the long game, learning to be clever and cunning.
She was surprised by him. It had been gradual, but his attentions to her were increasing. As much as she dreaded his presence, deep down she also felt a secret thrill for his increased interest in her. The sex was amazing. She couldn't deny that the sexual chemistry between them was electric. Her boldness and her challenging behaviour seemed to arouse him even more. His moods were becoming more mercurial; he flipped between desire and anger so quickly. She was beginning to feel the control she had over him.
She had to concede that the advice of her mystery voice was yielding results, despite the conflict it caused her. What concerned her more was the thrill and excitement she was experiencing from her power and control; she could understand now why so many people became addicted and then twisted by it.
Should she trust this entity? Even her instincts were uncertain. She had heard what had happened to witches and wizards who had followed the advice of voices that had whispered to them. It usually wasn't good. And the witch or wizard had more often than not descended to madness and found themselves in Saint Mungo's Hospital.
She knew she was playing a dangerous game; both by listening to the voice and by embracing her desire for Voldemort. There was such a sense of power within the voice of the woman who was now her frequent companion and teacher. The voice that told her they were related by blood yet had not revealed their identity to her. The voice was her only real companion; she had begun to view the voice as a friend and looked forward to their daily conversations.
The voice was helping her. In the four weeks since her wedding night, the voice had visited her daily and was teaching her magic, some she had never heard of before. And she could now perform wandless magic! The voice had been guiding her. Her skills had been hit and miss at the beginning and the voice had chastised her for her fluctuating concentration skills.
Now she was progressing in leaps and bounds. A few weeks ago she could barely levitate a vase of roses without repeating the incantation out loud. Now she was beginning to be able to perform her magic with her mind and body, almost without thinking about it. She was learning to control it and was being taught powerful spells. She could feel the magic in the core of her body and it excited her. She had never really felt it before. She longed to stretch her capabilities further, but she knew she had to be careful. The longer Voldemort remained unaware of her secret, the better.
Rose heard the flapping of wings and ruffling of feathers above her. She glanced over to her guards. They were talking. She stole a quick glance upwards. It was the raven. She was here! Good morning to you my child. Rose picked up the book on her lap and pretended to read it. Good morning, Rose responded in her head, pretending to be absorbed in her book. I see he has allowed you out again today. He is weakening in regards to you, child. Did I not tell you he would?
Yes, I suppose so. I'd be even happier if he weakened so much that he'd let me go! The raven chirped in response. You know he will not do that! But you will be free of him one day. This is unprecedented for him. He is allowing you to push him, challenge him and you are getting under his skin! I have the advantage of watching him in unguarded moments and listening to conversations he has with the serpent. He is unnerved by the intensity of his desire for you and says that no woman has ever affected him like this! It is too delicious to witness!
Rose's head was filled with questions. You can understand Parseltongue? And he doesn't sense you? The voice laughed. Yes and No to those questions. He has great power, but we can match him easily! Rose laughed inwardly. I doubt that very much! My magical skills are pathetic compared to yours and to his. The voice countered her comment. Your skills are not as strong yet, but you are progressing with amazing speed. You have a talent and will soon be able to match him! Just keep practising and follow my teachings.
But what you are using now is just as great a magic as any I can teach you. You are a natural. So was I in my time, I would use it without even thinking sometimes! Rose was curious. What power is that?
The voice laughed. All women have this power within them. Some don't believe in themselves, or are unaware it is a power. Others are made to feel ashamed of it and are labelled and ostracised if they use it. Some women use only this power to obtain what they want. I have no time for such women. Women are capable of so much more. But used with intelligence and other skills, I believe there is nothing wrong with a woman drawing on this power.
Rose sighed impatiently. Well, are you going to tell me what this power is? The voice let out a laugh. You haven't guessed child? The power of desire! Such a simple power, yet so effective. Man's physical need for sex controls them far more than it does us women. We can control men with their desire to be satisfied. Men! There are but few men I have met who are truly worthy of respect. Most are beneath contempt and use women as chattel and playthings. More fool the women who allow themselves to be used thus!
Rose spoke again inwardly. I don't know of the men you've met, but I know many decent men. Rose thought of her father, her uncle and cousins. George Weasley, Kingsley and Sirius. All good men. She focused back on the conversation. Why would I want Voldemort desiring me! Can't you teach me to turn him off! The voice spoke again. You cannot tell me you don't enjoy the sex child! Why do you feel guilt for your physical desire for him and your pleasure in it! Sex and desire are as natural as breathing. It irks me that women are made to feel shame for their sexual allure and desires! Rose felt herself redden at the voice's directness.
You can't help but have him desire you. He is naturally attracted to you. Also, he senses you don't want his attentions and that entices him even more. He is a strange creature, stranger than most men. Now I'm digressing. The other gift you have, that I once possessed, has fuelled his desire for you into a burning, consuming fire! The voice laughed. It is wonderful to watch!
Rose looked puzzled. What is that? The voice continued. The power of your touch. I discovered the gift in my youth. That my touch and the thoughts I had in my head at the time I touched men were transferred. If I wanted a man to court or desire me; I only needed to have that thought in my head at the time I made contact with them. Whatever I had thought would come to pass. It would yield explosive results if the man already had a desire for me!
Rose felt confused now. Her head was spinning with the information. It's a dangerous power to have. I don't want it! How will I ever know if a man has wanted me of his own free will and not because I touched them and made it happen with my thoughts. I don't want it! I don't want that power!
Like it or not, you have that power child. And you can control it. You have been unaware of it until now. Now you know of it, you can use it according to your conscience and only if you wish to. You must have wished for Voldemort to be in thrall to his desire for you at one of the times you have touched him. I suspect it may have occurred on your wedding night. It may not have been a conscious thought. Our subconscious thoughts can be transferred as well.
You are not going to desire every man you meet. Nor are you going to want every man to desire you. And you are astute enough to read the signs when a man is attracted to you and desires you. You have good taste and good morals. It is a power that can come in useful if you use it wisely. I did so sometimes; it emboldened many a shy and retiring man who desired me to make their move. But only if I wished them to of course!
I of course also used it to weaken enemies and control them. As you are now witnessing, the touch will inflame a man who already desires you to a fever pitch! I loved the extra power my gift gave me. But my misuse of it almost destroyed me. I was a more morally ambiguous woman than you are. I learnt the lesson that any power must be used responsibly.
My teacher, who was a very talented sorcerer, discovered what I could do. He warned me that it was a dangerous gift. He told me never to use it again. I did use it again of course! But more wisely than I had before. He taught me how to control it and how to reverse its affect.
How? How can I control it? Rose was eager for the information to control this tainted gift. It is simple child. All you have to do is call on the power and say you want control of it. You also just have to say you do not want the power to be used on any man you meet before you touch them. Rose exhaled a breath of relief. You haven't told me how the power can be reversed. Simple again! You touch the affected man and say you wish to remove the power of your touch. That is all.
Good. Then I can reverse his addictive desire for me. I don't recall wanting that from him, but like you said, maybe it was a subconscious thought. He's dangerous enough without him feeling this way. How does he not know about you or the information you have given me, the magic you are teaching me?
The voice continued. The only people in danger from him at present are his followers and your friends. I am observing everything. I have created a veil that blocks him from reading all your thoughts of me and our conversations. He cannot penetrate it. You will soon be able to block his ability to penetrate your mind yourself. He is becoming distracted by his wanting for you. It is invading his thoughts, making him feel things he has not allowed himself to feel for years. He is becoming paranoid, believing a spell has been cast on him. He is starting to wonder if he has an enemy amongst his followers.
What he does want, and what he can't have is you. And what I mean by you is your essence, your spirit, your soul, the inner core of you. He wants to possess you completely; not just your body. He wants all of you to be his, every last piece of you. He loves having complete control over people. He can't crack you and it irks him. He thought it would be so simple.
Now child, I am going to leave you. I have given you a lot to think about. I would ask you again to reconsider removing the power of your touch from him. Remember this; you are strong, you can handle this situation you are in. You have power over him. And life is dull without a little danger!
The raven let out a shrill cry and then flapped its wings before taking flight and soaring into the air. Rose watched her go enviously. She rested her head in her hands. She was so confused. The old and familiar part of her was telling her not to listen to the advice that she had been given. This new side of her that had been awoken disagreed. She could feel the thrill of excitement and the desire for danger well up inside her at the knowledge that had been imparted to her. Now she finally understood why people said power could be intoxicating.