XVI

…

She had a breakdown. It was expected of her. I mean, if she hadn't had a break down, I would have been concerned… more concerned than I already was.

Yet, this time it was different. It seemed different at least to me. Her movements and motions, they were just different, unlike that other times I had seen her fall apart. It was as if this time it was more accepting, as if she knew this had to happen, that she had to let herself fall apart.

After Mr. Mellark left, it just was. She went quiet, fighting to keep herself together. Then, she just went, quietly dismissed herself upstairs. I stood where I was and listened.

She went straight to the bathroom, closed the door and turned on the water. She stayed in there for a while, too long in my opinion for her own good, but I knew that's where she felt comfortable crying, her tears blending in with those of the shower. I know it wasn't right nor was it fair, but when the hot water was gone, I went up to pull her out of there, before she got sick or worse. It took a few minutes of banging on the door, but soon enough I listened to the water halt and the curtain rings clatter across the pole that kept it in place beside the shower. She slipped out of the bathroom like she always did and into her room.

I let her be by herself for a while, longer than I had when she was in a shower. I occupied my time; cleaning the mug Mr. Mellark had used hours ago and hiding the kitchen knives in the back of the upper cabinet that like the ones beside were empty. Then, I showered too, or more like silently stood under the showerhead and let the steaming water wash everything away.

It was after that that I went in to check on her. She was dressed in the clothes that I constantly found her in, ones that were too big and made of thick wool. She was curled on top of the sheet that layered her bed. Her knees were pulled to her chest and her arms as well. She faced toward my direct and not any trace of tears or sadness was displayed across her face, it was just blank. It was as I was about to the shut the door behind me that she spoke up.

Her voice was strained and quite, eyes pleading.

"No. Don't shut the door, please."

And I didn't know what to do, not shut the door obviously, but beside that I was lost, I didn't know what to do to help. All I could do was nod. I could not save her from whatever was going on in her head, but - my mind seemed to jumble and straighten out and then I said:

"How was Haymitch's?"

I don't know what happened, but something did. Her expression froze and then dropped. Her eyes began to water and then she was crying again.

Still completely lost, I didn't know what to do.

Comfort.

And so letting my body take over, I shifted onto the bed, against the headboard. I pulled her sobbing and trembling body against my chest. She didn't fight against nor did she accept, she just did. She cried into my chest, nestling her head under my chin. I didn't speak a word nor did she. I rubbed circles on her back as I had done a few times before and in time, she fell unconscious.

…

She wasn't okay, but at the same time she wasn't bad. She just was. In a way, it was like on return to the district.

I couldn't blame her or scold her or tell her otherwise. Her father was dead, her sister was dead, her mother had vanished, she had the blood of fourteen tributes on her hands, nightmares plagued her at night, and the father of her district partner was more than forgiving to me it was all a little too much, too overwhelming.

I thought about that a lot, what it would be like.

I did not think what it would be like if my father and sister were dead and mother was gone, my family was good as dead to me anyway, we had been separated since I turned five. I did not think what it would be like I had the blood of tributes and nightmares haunting me, I already understood that.

I thought about what it would be like if my partner's father was forgiving.

Mr. Mellark was not like Felicity Goldstein's father.

Felicity Goldstein, she was my district partner. Sixteen and thirsty for blood. She was a fighter, maybe better than me, but she was too much, she was too driven for her own good. No, she was not arrogant, just… wild. She died during the blood bath, acted too quickly and before she could make the kill, she was killed.

Her father was like her. Driven, listen and driven. He was no Mr. Mellark. Mr. Mellark seemed to be a one in a kind. But, he wasn't, Mr. Goldstein was no Mr. Mellark. He never came to talk to me, just sent me demising glares from a distance.

He blamed me for her death without a doubt, I did too, I didn't have her back.

And that's where I didn't know with Katniss. I didn't know what it was to be forgiven; I didn't know what it was to still hate yourself when they was no reason to. And that was where I could not offer my help; I just didn't know what I could do.

…

I was worried, and not normal worried. I was worried.

It was a day or two after Mr. Mellarks visit that it happened. She got up, ate more than a grain of rice, went for a walk, offered help with dinner, and then showered and disappeared into her room. It was - it was odd.

I was worried about her, like Annie Cresta worried.

It didn't stop there though, it wasn't just one day. It went on for weeks. It became a routine of hers…

Wake up. Eat. Walk. Help. Shower. Bed.

That's how it was for the most part. She would wake up and come down to the kitchen. Sometimes she would fight with the cat and other times she wouldn't. She would water the primrose plant on the window will every other day. She would then eat, fruit or eggs or sometimes both.

Then, she'd slip on her boots and go for her walk. She sometimes invited me or Haymitch, but for the majority she went on her own. Sometimes on her walks she'd run errands, she would go to town and pick up supplies we were low up and sometimes she would go to the Justice Building to see if anything had been sent to the three of us; and sometimes there were things there for us, a letter for Haymitch or a package from Cinna for Katniss.

She'd come home at some point before lunch. She'd eat again and then there would be a visitor or visitors… sometimes. I don't know why these people came, but they did. The only reason I could assume they would come now was that Katniss had told them it was okay, that she was welcome to visitors. And so people came like:

Madge Undersee. She was the mayor's daughter and supposed friends with Katniss. They use to sit at lunch together when Katniss went to school from what Katniss told me after her second visit. They were both outcast and so they would end up finding themselves sitting together during lunch at school. They didn't talk much and it made it hard for me to believe they were friends, but it was when Haymitch told me Madge was the one that had given Katniss the token, the mockingjay pin on the table beside Katniss's bed, she'd worn in the area that I understood why.

Darius. He was a Peacekeeper that came by after his patrols. He was an odd guy, pasty skin and messy red hair. He was silent the first few times he came around… and then he opened up and reveals his true self. He was annoying, really bothersome in my opinion, always flirting and smiling and poking at Katniss. Haymitch got a kick out of it when he came around and Katniss would turn red, I don't know if in anger or embarrassment, but more than once would she role her eyes when he was around. I don't know why he came or Katniss let them in, but I always assumed she had good reason.

Sae and her granddaughter. Sae was an older lady, no doubt from the Seam where Katniss grew up. She came by on a weekly bases with her granddaughter for the most the time. She was kind and always brought something with her when she came, stew for the most part. Katniss would smile at her and she'd call her "girl." Sometimes Haymitch would be there and the two of them would joke around with one another. And to me, she shot me unwavering looks, especially when her granddaughter would come up to me and show me whatever she wanted to boast about.

Others came, but they were the most frequent.

They, whoever came would leave before dinner.

Sometimes, Katniss would ask if I needed help with preparing dinner. I knew she wasn't one to cook and either was I, but with the basics that we dealt with, I was more than willing to let her help me out. A few times I found her cooking on her own. We'd eat, sometimes Haymitch would come over, and when we were done, we stand at the skin, one of us washing the dishes and another drying.

At some point we'd find our way out of the kitchen, doing whatever. Katniss would disappear and shower and sleep. I would follow, sometimes having to have to wake her from a nightmare other times just checking to make sure everything was okay.

That was the day, it was different and normal and it worried me… sometimes.

…

She was at the top of the stairs. She was wrapped in one of her oversize sweaters, waiting for me to come back from my run. She sat on the left side of the stairs, the closest she could be to the wall with her feet resting on the step below and her hands in her lap.

Kicking off my shoes, I climbed the steps before sitting down beside her. She didn't say anything and neither did I. We just sat in silence, peacefully.

It was after taking in a deep breath that she spoke:

"Can I ask you something," she says looking down at her lap.

"Yeah."

"I went for a walk today… down to the Seam. I don't know how I didn't see it coming, but before it was too late I ran into, ah not literally, but I ran into the Hazel. Ah, she was the one I bought the basket of yarns and fabrics on our dat - on our day in the Capitol. She was the one who's kids I got stuff for, Gale, Rory, Vick, and Posy."

She stops and looks up at me and I nod, telling her to continue.

"I should have known she'd be there, she does the same routine she does like always - before the games. She was on her laundry run. Ah she ah, she washes laundry for people. She was there and Posy, her daughter. And I - I just ran into them and I froze up.

One thing after another, Hazel asked and I didn't say anything. Then, then Posy began to plead. She was doing that thing, you know that thing that little kids do when they come up beside you and tug your clothes and look up at you and give you that face, it's…"

She trails on about things I don't understand or don't catch or don't know their significance.

"Katniss."

She snaps out of it, getting to the point.

"I said yes. I said yes to dinner."

"Okay," I say, looking to her confused.

She knots her hands together, nervously.

"You don't have to and I know you don't and you don't have to, but ah-"

"Katniss."

"Would you go to dinner with me, dinner at the Hawthorne's?"

And before she can say another word or I can think about the Hawthorne's, I say yes.

"Yes."

…

Note:

Important - There is something wrong with my laptop, something I can't fix on my own and so I have to hand it over to the tec team/ department/ people at my school. I rushed to put this chapter together because when I hand my laptop over tomorrow I don't know when I will get it back and in the time being I do not have anything else in which I can type and update with. I hope they can fix the problem in a few days and I will get in back in time to update on my usual seven to ten day span, but I do not know what will happen. I'm sorry for this and hope you like the story so far.