"No Pussy Jokes"
Growing up, Darcy knew her soulmark was weird. As she grew older and attended sex ed, the words took on a whole new – and insulting – meaning. Whoever her soulmate was, he was a dick. Basically.
She had her soulmark when she was born, so they had no idea how old her soulmate would be. At first, her dad wanted to call her Katherine or Katrina or even Caitlyn. Anything that could be shortened to 'kitty' or 'cat', basically. Her mom vetoed that pretty darn quickly when she pointed out the double meaning of the words.
Her dad suggested Darcy, and her mom agreed.
She asked for a cat, when she was a child. But her brother turned out to be allergic, so bang went that idea. She did dress in a cat costume for every costume party she attended… until she discovered that teenage boys and college students could still be creepy in disguise. Thankfully, her words were twined around her ear; as long as she wore her hair long and down, it covered them.
The only consolation? She was still a kid when she received her second soulmark, around her wrist. It wasn't embarrassing at all, so she figured her older soulmate would possibly be her snarky best friend, and the other would be her romantic soulmate. Okay, he or she was a few years younger than her, but at least the words weren't creepy. Not like 'Hey, do you want some yummy milk, kitty-cat?'
Ugh. Disgusting.
You know why Darcy hated living in Stark Tower? Despite the fact that she was surrounded by ubër-competent super-humans – or maybe because of it – the tower attracted a whole heap of crazy. And when it hit Darcy? Yeah, it sucked. Because once some insane sorcerer started running through the hallways and throwing out hexes right and left, and getting a lucky hit on Darcy's hiding place, it became the time to reconsider her life choices.
She was still hiding when a pair of solid-sounding boots approached the room. She poked her head out from behind the table, and blinked up at the giant who walked into the office.
"Doesn't look like there's anyone in here, JARVIS," he said.
"There is, Mr. Mackenzie. If you turn to your left…"
He looked around, and his gaze landed on her. His eyes widened in surprise, and he squatted down, beckoning. Darcy shied back. But then if JARVIS trusted him… and Mackenzie. Wasn't a guy with that name on Coulson's team? They called him Mack? Okay, maybe it was safe to approach.
"Hey," he said, his voice coaxing, "do you want some yummy milk, kitty-cat?"
Darcy stared at him, freezing in place.
What. The hell? Wasn't he supposed to be a nice guy?
"Sir, that isn't a cat," JARVIS said. "That is Miss Lewis, Dr. Foster's intern."
"I'm a cat?" Darcy shrieked, looking around for a shiny surface. Then she realised that she was meowing. And… and she had paws. She turned her head to look at her butt. A tail! She had a freakin' tail! Oh, she was so bugging Stark into upgrading his security. Although… it was kinda fun to try to get at her tail. Hey, tail! Come back here!
"Miss Lewis!" JARVIS said loudly. She squeak-meowed, and barrelled towards Mack. She leapt for his lap, hitting him in the stomach with her head. He fell back onto his ass with a laugh.
"Well, haven't you got a hell of a head-butt on you?" he said. He began to scratch behind her ear, and she purred as she pushed into the wonderful sensation. That was nice. Oh yeah. Nearly as nice as chasing her tail. Hell, she could be converted into ear scratches!
"We had best get her upstairs," JARVIS said. "Now that the threat has been dealt with, the others are convening in the common area. You can take the elevator straight there."
"Thanks," Mack said, getting to his feet. He was holding Darcy in one hand. Damn, she knew she was small at the moment – holy hell, she was a cat! – but he was still humungous. Hey, she could climb him like a tree!
She bumped her head against his chest, rubbing up against him like a scratching-post, and she got a belly rub for her efforts. Result!
"Oh, this is so awkward," Mack said, and he laughed against. "How the hell do I explain this to Fitz?"
"The effects appear to have been temporary on the other victims, sir. Miss Lewis was among the last. It should not be long until she is returned to normal. With any luck, her clothes will appear with her, as they did with the others."
Darcy paused at that. Shit, she didn't even consider that she could come back naked. She better get her clothes back, or she'd make that asshole pay. These were her best jeans! And one of her boob tops! Plus her one pair of designer boots.
"Here we are," Mack said, stepping out of the elevator. Darcy had climbed up his shirt and she stared at his face. He smiled back. "Hey, Miss Lewis."
Boop! She couldn't not boop his nose. It was right there. She only used the pads of her paws, so no scratching went on. If she was human, she would've laughed her butt off at the look of shock on his face.
"Who's this?" Natasha said. She took Darcy into her arms, and held her up. Darcy reached out her paw and booped Natasha on the nose as well. Because it was there. "I'm guessing this one is Lewis?"
"Yep," Mack said. "Well, at least I don't have to ask whether she's dairy intolerant."
"Water is better for cats than milk," Natasha said, placing Darcy on the sofa. "It won't be too long now."
"Oh, isn't it cute!" a curly-haired man cooed, squatting beside the sofa. Darcy watched him as he picked up her leg just above the paw, and shook it gently. "You'll be all right soon, I promise."
"None of the other victims have suffered ill effects?" Natasha said while Darcy watched Mack stroke Curls' hair gently. Holy shit. Curls hummed.
"Not that we've noticed, although they may not appear right away," he said. "Simmons will keep us informed. They all have to go into quarantine. It doesn't appear to be contagious, which is good for both of you." He narrowed his eyes as he looked from Mack to Natasha. "Considering you both handled her."
"So did you," Mack pointed out, because yeah, pot and kettle and all that. Curls ducked his head.
"Couldn't resist," he said. "Look at her. Aren't you a beautiful little cat, eh?" He tickled her under the chin, and then stroked a finger down her nose. She sneezed, shaking her head. He chuckled. "Och, you're adorable."
"She is a human," Natasha reminded him.
"Aye, but I'm sure she's cute as a button anyway."
Darcy felt a twitching in her limbs, and skittered to the middle of the sofa. She nearly tripped over her tail, and looked back at it. Ooh, it wanted to be chased again, did it? Ha! Time to pounce. Darn it, missed…
Then, seconds later, she went through a burst of pain, a stretch of skin and clothing, and she was back to normal. Well, sort of normal.
Huh. At least her first soulmark wasn't as creepy as she thought it'd be, in the end. Still, she glared at Mack.
"You're lucky I wasn't myself, or I would've slapped you for saying that," she said, pointing at him. She paused, and looked at Curls, who looked gob-smacked. "So what's your name, cute stuff?"
"I-I'm Leo Fitz," he said.
"You're on iPod-Thief's team as well, aren't you? And you're the one they call Mack?"
"In my defence, I never planned to meet my first soulmate while she was a cat," he said, raising his hands. Natasha raised her eyebrows.
"What on Earth were his first words to you?" she asked. Darcy sniffed delicately.
"Let's just say that out of context? They sounded like they came from a creeper. The phrases 'yummy milk' and 'kitty-cat' come into it."
"Shit," Mack said, scratching his head. "I'm sorry. That must've been tough."
She shrugged. "At least the first place you touched me was behind my ear," she said. "It meant my words are easy to hide." She patted Leo on the shoulder. "Well, after that I need a drink."
"You need to go into quarantine," Natasha said. Darcy pouted.
"But soulmates!" she said, gesturing at her two hot new buddies. "You guys are soulmates, right?"
"Y-yeah," Leo said. "But we'd love to have you. I mean not in that sense! Well, yes, obviously in that sense, but also as a—"
"We'd like to be in a romantic relationship, is what Turbo is trying to say," Mack said, putting his arm around Leo's back. "We'll be here when you're cleared by quarantine, okay?"
She hated to leave, but she agreed. "Okay. But as soon as I get a bill of health? Bar, dinner, dancing, bed. In no particular order. I've waited most of your life and all of yours to meet you."
"I'm sure we can push you ahead of the queue to get checked out," Natasha said, nudging Darcy ahead of her. "No, you can't kiss them, so don't even think about running back. You know I'll catch you."
"Damn."
Darcy stared at herself in the mirror. "What. The. Hell?"
"We've found that the others can do it as well," Jemma said. She was super-friendly towards Darcy after finding out that she was Leo and Mack's third. "I would recommend leading up to trying a full-body transformation. According to the healers from Asgard – although I'd already worked it out, but it's nice to have otherworldly confirmation when they know so much about magic – it's irreversible. Congratulations! You have a super power, Darcy."
She concentrated on turning her cat-nose back to her human-nose, and her ears shifted back into place. It was the weirdest situation, the kind of thing seen in horror films, but she was so glad she'd read the Immortals series by Tamora Pierce. If she thought of herself as another Verildaine, she was fine. She wasn't freaked out at all that she could turn herself into a cat.
Okay, maybe a little freaked out, but this was still epic. She could change her eyes, so yay, she could see in the dark. If she got bored, she could grow a tail and chase it (which was more fun than anyone else seemed to realise). She fully intended to learn how to change into a cat. It wasn't useful in a battle situation, but for little missions, it'd be great to know. Tony and Mack were already designing a harness for her to wear in cat form that she could remove herself. Coulson and Pepper were trying to talk them out of it, but there was only so much a person could control Tony Stark.
As for Mack and Leo, she was desperate to see them. She was a bit worried about the possibility of going into heat like a feline, but Jemma had confirmed that there didn't seem to be any physiological changes in that respect.
Actually, as soon as she got out of here, Darcy would have to call her parents and tell her father to stop polishing his shotgun. Mack wasn't being creepy; he thought he was talking to an actual cat. That might be harder to explain, of course…
"Okay, well, it's time to check you out of here," Jemma said. Darcy whirled around and grinned.
"I can go home?" she said. "`Cause I've got some handsome soulmates to get to know."
"I know you do," Jemma said, her smile broadening. "I've fast-tracked your paperwork. You just need to sign it," she handed over a clipboard and pen, "and you'll be fine. At least until Director Coulson adds you to the new asset register. We asked him to call it the Animagus register, but he gave us a sort of withering look, and sent us out of the office. I mean, he wouldn't even have to change the initials! Animagus and asset both start with 'a'! Ah well." She accepted the clipboard back, and beamed. "Follow me. Your soulmates await you."
If anyone raised their eyebrows, Darcy would swear that it was just a cat-like impulse to pounce on her boys.
"Ever seen Are You Being Served?" Leo asked in the car, while they both stroked Darcy's legs, arms, and occasionally behind an ear. She half-hissed.
"Make any pussy jokes and you won't ever see mine," she said.
I couldn't resist. I'm sorry. I'm a bad person.
Lots of people have loved my FitzMack references, so I gave them a chapter where they're part of the main ship. Since they've already met in canon, I felt the need to add someone else. I could say that I ignored that with Clint and Fury, but considering that Clint ended up with Jemma, I still did the crossover thing. And contributed to the rare ship of BioHawk. I promote this ship, peoples!
Thank you for all your requests for future ships. I've noted them down and will get around to them eventually, I imagine. I'll certainly try. And I'll also try to get on with my other fan fiction.
Oh, and please review!