I first met Sayori when I was about seven years old.

She and I went to the same school.

My memories of that time are fuzzy now. But I do know I teased her all the time.

When she moved into my neighborhood, I wasn't exactly thrilled.

The annoying, weird girl who I spent so long teasing was now going to be someone I had to see all the time.

But over the years, and our parents forcing me to be nice, I guess she grew on me to an extent.

Of course, I kept teasing her, up until... Well, until I discovered her depression.

Both my parents and hers underwent a divorce at some point.

I remember Sayori acting a little differently after that.

When I first met her, she was quirky, and funny, but also really observant and intelligent.

She wasn't super confident. But she wore her thoughts on her sleeve. She wasn't good at hiding anything yet.

And she spaced out sometimes, like she still does, going to some place in her head.

I remember her being the student who read the most books in our class one year, believe it or not.

After we became teenagers, she became the familiar cheery, suspiciously optimistic girl she is now.

All the while hiding from all her loved ones a serious case of depression.

And even if I had figured this out at the time, she would never have told me what happened. That's just now how she is.

She would probably do everything in her power to lie to me that everything is ok, and that I'm the one imagining things.

...MC : "Sayori?"

It was probably 8th grade. And we were outside for recess. I saw Sayori sitting alone, on a swing, while the other kids run around screaming merrily.

Sayori : "Yeah, MC?"

MC : "What's up? Why you all alone?"

Sayori gave me a big smile.

Sayori : "Aww, do you care about me, MC? That's soo sweet~"

Sayori : "I'm just thinking about what I'm going to do for my science project."

Sayori makes a pouty face.

Sayori : "I never was good at science..."

I probably blushed a little in that moment.

MC : "No! Don't be a dummy. I was just kinda wondering why you're acting all like a loner, is all."

MC : "Anyway, we're playing a game over on the slides. We need one more person, so come on!"

Sayori : "Oh, fun! Let's go!"

Sayori would do anything, including manipulate me so that I wouldn't figure her out.

How do you even help someone who seems like they don't want to get better, or don't want help?

All I know how to do is love her.

Now that I think of it, there were some moments when we were kids where she seemed to be in a really dark place.

MC : "Sayori, I know you're not being yourself right now. Tell me what happened."

Sayori seemed different this time. She looked at me intensely.

Sayori : "MC, you're my best friend. You can keep a promise, right?"

MC : "Of course. I never break a promise!"

Sayori : "Promise not to tell anyone else. I don't want anyone to worry about me."

MC : "I promise."

Sayori : "My parents are separating. And I feel like it's all my fault, because I told my mom about something dad did, and..."

She looks down at the floor. She's struggling to continue.

Sayori : "Now he's going to move away. Last time I saw him... he told me..."

She starts choking up.

I don't know what to say. All my life, I've known Sayori, she's always just been a ball of sunshine.

This feels so sudden, and I've never dealt with this.

I don't know what to do, so I just give her a hug. But her arms stay to her side.

All I want to do is comfort her, but she doesn't seem to be receiving it very well.

Sayori : "I'm OK... I'm OK MC. You can let me go."

We made a lot of promises, as kids. And part of our code as best friends is to never break our promises.

I hate to say it, but she was really clever to lure me into that one.

It's a method for her to make sure no one finds out about her depression.

Sayori is smarter than she seems, I swear.

...

Hey, um, you...

Do you know how stressful it is to try to take this on?

…

..Listen...

….

There's been something I've been meaning to talk about, but just couldn't find a way to mention it.

So I'll just blurt it out.

Sometimes, when I get really anxious or upset, and I'm all alone in my room..

Like now. Here I am, just contemplating, in my room.

And all I can think about are all the dumb things I've done in my life...

Some... Feelings and desires get the best of me.

I think I mentioned earlier, how my strong emotions drive me to craziness sometimes.

I swear I'm not usually like this.

It's like.. Something strange really takes over me sometimes.

It's probably the stress of the situation weighing upon me.

All I can do is just sit here with my own, dangerous thoughts.

"I think everyone has a sort of guilty pleasure.

Something you wouldn't want others to know about.

Do you have something like that, MC?"

And while I wait here, counting the seconds as I wait for Sayori...

I feel that itch that I need to scratch.

I gave the raccoon a piece of bread, my subconscious well aware of the consequences.

Well aware that a raccoon that is fed will surely come back for more.

There are a few ways I know to... Take the edge off.

My corrupted glance reaches a corner where I keep my stash.

No, wait... I'm supposed to be the strong, responsible one.

Using all my time to try to help them...

But something wells up inside me, now.

This feels... Familiar.

Intoxication is so...

entįc̶ing

….

….

I slice the bread... and feed myself again.

Yuri felt a hot wash of shame and embarrassment run over her face.

The spotlight was right on her.

The fear pounding, heart beating like drums in her ears-

With their eyes as piercing as knives.

The kids always laughed at her.

Everyone made fun of the shy girl.

She couldn't help but be shy. Ever since she was a kid, Yuri was the primary bullying target of all the kids.

No matter what the teachers did, they found a way to get her alone.

And they got her in public, too.

One time, a boy flipped up her skirt in front of everyone.

He didn't get in trouble for it.

Another reminder.

Her feelings were turbulent,

and they struck with the force of a tsunami.

Pounding, beating, clawing at her head, corrupting her thoughts, consuming her, sending her into a dizzying spiral of dread-

One more tally mark that I can't erase.

What can a girl even do about such feelings?

Well, sometimes Yuri wrote a poem.

Sometimes she drinks. She wouldn't let anyone know that, though.

Sometimes, she just reads.

Other times, something catches her eye in the corner.

Something incredibly shiny, indescribably beautiful.

Something that can maybe capture and represent a tiny bit of how she feels.

Something born of deadly sins.

Something that drains away the world, if but for a moment.

At first, it was agony. But when the dreadful world is gone and replaced with nothing but agony-

well, that is welcome and preferred.

But before long, it became like an addiction for her.

She loved the thrill.

And Yuri was by all accounts, an innocent and pure soul.

She loved to do something bad.

Something no would suspect her of.

Each scar was a record, which if you took the time to see

each tally on her skin tells a story.

But no one ever saw it.

Yuri was never seen in anything other than long sleeves after middle school.

Yuri had a lot of secrets.

She was a sweetheart.

She was so thoughtful, so thoughtful she even kept

her will in a hidden box in her room.

Just in case.

Soon, I forgot where I was.

And everything is forgiven.

My vision is turning black.

I stand up from my desk and make an attempt to my bed, when the world fades away.

My thoughts fade away, too, and I can no longer control where I walk.

I don't remember anything after that.

….

I'm so sorry, Sayori, Natsuki, Yuri.

I'm sorry that out of everyone in the world to help you, you were stuck with me.

A clueless teenager with issues of his own.

Knowing that Sayori had that rope, makes me feel such a fundamental sense of despair...

She was ready to die, already, or at least planning it.

One of the most horrifying things I can imagine are the thoughts going through her head before she does it.

What is she feeling in that moment?

What were her last moments like...?

It sickens me to my stomach to imagine.

And Yuri... She, too, could've already been dead.

They could be dead right now, while I'm nodding off, stoned on the floor.

I don't know what happened. I don't know what came over me. It didn't feel like it was ME who was doing that.

My phone is ringing, but I'm out cold.

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Silence.

Then again. Ring... Ring... Ring...

It wasn't hard at all for Sayori to find another rope to buy.

And MC still hadn't responded to her texts and calls.

How do you feel when the one person who claimed to be there for you, is ignoring you?

It was definitely her fault.

She made her feelings too obvious, and MC figured her out, and now he's decided she was just too much to handle.

There was something she just couldn't tell him.

She's had crippling depression her whole life, and in fact, it didn't look like it was poised to go away any time soon.

She felt terrible that night that MC came to talk to her.

She never wanted anyone to care about her that much.

All she wanted was to give all she could give to her friends.

And maybe if she made them happy, she could be happy, too.

"If they care about me, it will just make it all the worse when I..."

Sayori ripped up the month of January on her calender: a self-imposed deadline.

The MC giving himself to her... That didn't make her feel that great at all.

In fact, she felt like a greater burden than ever before.

Every day... Was just the same fucking slog.

And the only reason she ever got out of bed was to avoid people like MC, who just waste all their time and effort trying to make something happen that will never happen.

She loved him too much to hurt him.

"I don't deserve their energy.

I'm the most worthless human ever. All I do is drain people of their energy as they fruitlessly try to 'help' me.

I don't need help. I need to die.

If I could just disappear, and no one remembers me...

These feelings are too strong for me to bear.

At least, when I'm dead, I will finally be empty of them.

And I won't be around to see my friends suffering.

When I woke up this morning, I knew it was the day from the beginning.

There is no new light, no new hope, nothing.. today.

Nothing but darkness.

There is no purpose for me to remain.

I tie the rope to the ceiling.

All I do is hurt others. I drain their energy.

I try to help them but they see through me. I'm not strong enough to keep my feelings to myself anymore.

If all I can do is hurt... I have no purpose here.

As I tie a noose, as I had dozens of times before in preparation, tears welled up in my eyes...

Tears of happiness.

I'm finally going to be free.

I'm so sorry, MC.

But if you truly understood...

You would not blame yourself.

I was already dead long ago, before you ever caught on.

There was never any hope in my life.

It was just a matter of time before the charade was over.

When you confessed to me, it felt like knives being pushed into my heart.

The one thing I cannot stand to do, is to hurt the one I love.

When I see the concern on your face...

There is no greater pain in this world. I'm sure of it.

And that's why I must do this.

I must do this.

I step inside the noose.

The only fear I have now is that of the unknown.

No one really knows what happens when you die.

At least I get to find out.

I don't even care. Anything is better than this.

Anything is better than this pain that will never cease.

Goodbye, Literature Club.

Goodbye, MC, goodbye Monika, Sayori, and Yuri. Goodbye world.

I kick the chair.

The rope burns and pulls as gravity rips my neck and spine from my body.

I let myself go limp and hang.

But something is wrong.

I'm not dying.

I gasp for air, but my throat is closed.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

I try to swing, but I can't get a grasp of anything.

Now I'm coughing up blood and saliva.

I reach up to my neck and claw into it

as violently as I can, but I can't get a hold

I dig into my neck with my nails, maybe I can tear my own artery.

I'm kicking and gagging as I try to scream but all that comes out are gurgles. Won't someone find me? Won't someone hear me?

I didn't expect this to be how I go. I don't want this!

Now they'll find me like this... But it's too late.

The world is fading now, my blood-stained fingertips are turning purple.

A black vignette superimposes itself upon everything.

This is it. I'm really dying."

My eyes burst open, and dart around the room.

This can't be happening.

Please tell me it was a nightmare. That was worse than a nightmare.

I get up off the floor and gain my bearings.

I was still in my room. My arm was stinging, I felt like I couldn't think straight.

I look to my right.

Standing in the doorway, is Sayori, copious tears flowing down her cheek.

I let out a gasp and ran toward her as fast I could, grabbing her in a tight embrace

Thank god. Thank god... Another flashback, or a nightmare, or whatever it was...

I can't bring myself to say anything. I can barely even think as my heart beats nearly out of my chest. Sayori is crying, but she looks just as relieved as I feel.

Sayori : "MC..."

She is sobbing hysterically now. I just decide to let her do the talking for now.

Sayori : "I was so worried when you didn't respond for hours."

Sayori won't stop crying as she looks at me, looking at my arm, and my disheveled room.

Sayori : "Why are you doing this, MC? Is it because..."

She chokes up.

Sayori : "Of me?"

I realize now what Sayori must have just gone through.

I didn't reply to my texts. She forces her way into my house.

She calls my name. No response.

She goes upstairs.

She slowly opens the door...

And there I am, bloody, passed out on the floor.

I'm the worst boyfriend ever. I said I was there for Sayori, and that I wouldn't let go.

But I just made her go through some of the pain I had to go through...

She might have thought I was...dead. That I had overdosed or accidentally cut an artery.

MC : "No, Sayori. No, no, no, not at all. It's not you're fault. I..."

My head felt foggy. I sighed deeply.

MC : "It's my fault. I couldn't..."

Sayori was looking at my arm, where blood was still trickling.

I couldn't think of anything to say at all.

I wanted to lie, but it was very obvious that these wounds were not accidental.

I wanted to tell her that it was my fault, for letting my feelings get too strong.

But that's exactly the same thing Sayori told me about her depression.

At this point, I knew I had fucked everything up.

But all I could think about was Sayori... Hanging. I needed to make sure that that never happened. Somehow.

Sayori just ran into my bathroom wordlessly, and came out with some medical supplies.

Holding the tape in her mouth, she disinfected my arm silently.

What could I even say? How could I explain this to her?

She wraps it up and tapes it down.

Sayori : "There... All better."

She manages a weak smile, and I smile back.

MC : "Sayori, before I tell you anything, I need you to do something for me, okay?"

She looks serious as she nods without hesitation.

Sayori : "What is it, MC?"

MC : "I love you. You love me, right?"

She nods again, her face still glossy and flush from crying.

MC : "Promise me that you'll do everything in your power to outlive me."

MC : "...Because I couldn't live one second without you." I laugh as I say it.

Sayori smiles through tears, but doesn't say anything..

MC : "I need you understand that. Because I really mean it."

I didn't say it, but I think she understood in that moment what I meant.

That if she went, I went too. That's the new deal.

MC : "I told you we are in this together. Because it's true. Now do it. Swear it. You can keep a promise, right?"

Sayori : "...I promise, MC."

That felt like a little victory.

I grabbed her hand and squeezed tight.

When I look in her blue eyes, I see the world reflecting back at me...

In that room was a peaceful quiet now.

Sayori is looking right into my heart with those blue eyes.

Without thinking at all, I closed my eyes, leaned in and kissed her on the lips.

A tingling sensation went down my whole body.

I could feel her muscles contracting as she tightened with surprise.

But she didn't resist or move away, she just closed her eyes and leaned into me as well.

In that fleeting idyllic moment, we began to understand the extent of our love.

A banal, passionate feeling of quiet and thoughtful peace and fulfillment filled my heart.

It's the most intense feeling I've ever felt.

When our lips finally departed, I opened my eyes and looked right into hers

Sayori is blushing, and she has a passionate look on her face.

My heart is trying to escape my rib cage, my breath is sucked out of my chest.

MC : "That means... Thank you."

I'm beaming now, feeling almost lightheaded and high. It felt so right to do that. We just look into each other's eyes.

Sayori's giving me a genuine smile in reciprocation through her disheveled hair.

Sayori : "Now... it's your turn to promise me."

Sayori : "You'll tell me everything you've been keeping from me."

I chuckle. Sayori really is smarter than she lets on.

This time, I would be honest with her. No more lying to her.

MC : "I promise."

A promise is a promise.

I went downstairs and made coffee, and made some food to bring upstairs.

It's pretty funny that just a few nights ago, I was over at her place, comforting her.

And now she came over to mine, and comforted me.

It finally feels official. That is-we-feel official, as a couple, now.

Something didn't feel right about her running away in the morning last time, I should have sensed it.

She was still hesitant then. She didn't think it was okay to tell me everything. But now, I could feel for the first time her opening up her heart completely.

Sayori told me about why she ran away that morning.

She thought at first that I was only trying to 'comfort' her like other guys have tried to.

She loved me, but just could not imagine the possibility of someone loving her.

When she realized that I genuinely loved her, and she found me in such a bad condition, it scared and hurt her.

It made her think about her own suicidal thoughts. And how she would force her loved ones to find her dead body.

It sent shivers down her spine as she realized what she almost did.

This time, all the apprehension was gone.

...

By now, it must have been midnight, but Sayori and I were wide awake.

We held hands, kissed, cuddled, and talked about all of our feelings and troubles for hours on end. It was young love.

We probed each other's mind, both of us finally understanding the magnitude of our mutual love, and with the borders dissolved, we were totally open and free to be ourselves with each other.

In those moments, she was active, and stimulated. Not sulking and depressed. And so was I.

She told me straight up what she felt. No more lies or pretending. And I did the same.

Do you know how therapeutic that is? To just... Be able to say the things that come from the deepest reaches of your heart, those thoughts and feelings that really make you... you. To be able to say that without fear of any judgment, knowing that you will always receive unconditional love and understanding.

I could be wrong by speaking for her, but I think we both understood each other a little bit better after what just happened.

For one, I seemed to understand the feelings Sayori has been having for a long time.

I think I get why she pushes people away who want to help her, and instead tries to help others.

I have been guilty of doing the same thing, and I pretended like I didn't have a problem.

I get why she feels upset when people care or worry about her too much.

Like Sayori, I also just want other people to be OK, not really thinking too much about myself until those feelings forcefully manifest themselves.

And I think Sayori understands me a little bit better, too, after seeing me in such a position.

We accept each other for who we are, and we accept that we are both a little bit messed up right now.

But now, even if we don't take care of ourselves, we are both dedicated to taking care of each other.

I wonder if it's true, that love can heal all wounds?

I certainly feel the best I ever have in my life in this moment.

Sayori is more than a friend to me. And more than a girlfriend.

And I don't even think there's a word for it.

The closest feeling, other than love, I can think of, is peace. Contentment. The feeling when you know you're with the right person, who has the power to make everything right.

…

Before too long, Sayori is hounding me to begin the real story.

Well, I did promise her, and a promise is a promise.

I began to tell her about everything : Starting with the literature club.