Opia - n. the ambiguous intensity of looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable—their pupils glittering, bottomless and opaque—as if you were peering through a hole in the door of a house, able to tell that there's someone standing there, but unable to tell if you're looking in or looking out.
...
He breathes.
Each breath rattles his body, aggravating his ribs (like fire spiking, sharpening, with each outward motion) but he keeps breathing, one breath after another. His fingers tremble, but he uses them to pull out his phone anyway, pulls it out of the cheap suit he's wearing. He'd worn it to look more professional. All Might hoodies and T-shirts didn't exactly make the best of impressions on villains. (They drove a knife into his leg) Blood dripped steadily from the wound in his thigh, making him regret that decision now. (Dark dark dark colored red, blooming-)
A vigilante. Of all the reasons to be laying here, (shivering, shaking, bleeding in the dark) it would be a vigilante.
Had his activities really garnered so much attention?
He glances to either side, looking for any form of movement. He can't afford to be found right now, can't. Not when his mother is barely hanging on, breathing only with the help of machines. Not when he's the only person Todoroki can turn too when everything gets to be too much, when Endeavor's shadow looms too much and he can't, can't-
He breathes.
(He feels like he's drowning)
His fingers tremble as he fumbles with the lock on the screen, tapping in his password and smearing blood across the glass. He opens the phone app, intent upon calling someone anyone, and-
Who is he supposed to call? His mother can't move from the hospital bed, is barely able to stay awake most days, let alone be aware enough and physically capable enough of taking him home. He doesn't know his father's phone number, only knows what he looks like thanks to the photo albums his mother keeps in the living room. Kacchan wouldn't be able to help him with something like this, wouldn't help him even if he could ("Shitty Deku!"), and doesn't even know about Izuku's illegal activities regardless. He just thinks that Izuku has a part time job.
He's not wrong.
(Bang, and the body fell to the floor and blood pooled like water. What happened, what had he done? There was a corpse on the ground)
He scrolls down and sees the name Todoroki Shouto in his contacts, the last messages from him not even a day ago. They had talked just that morning, about something stupid, something mundane, but it was… nice. Todoroki was nice.
Izuku hesitates, cold gathering in his gut and spreading to his toes. Does he trust Todoroki enough to show him this? To call him here, to this alley, when he's bleeding out on the ground and helpless, so helpless, in the face of the world around him? Fresh from a fight with a vigilante, a fight that's no doubt made the news by now, the gunfire was so loud and that vigilante wasn't subtle at all-
Does he?
They've known each other for a year now-a year of bandaging each other's wounds ("Thank you."), whispering secrets and leaning on each other whenever things got too be too much, too tough, too overwhelming to do much more than lie there-
Todoroki knew Izuku's mother was sick. They'd visited her together in the hospital a few times before, (just three, when they could secret him away-) and he knew Izuku worked to earn money to pay for the medical bills and everything else. He'd even offered to help a few times before, however he was able.
He was certain Todoroki already suspected something. For all that Izuku had gotten better at hiding, at acting like nothing was wrong, Todoroki had known him since before he'd mastered that art, had been there almost since the beginning of it all. He'd never mentioned it, hadn't said a word but-
(Just a few glances every now and then, an offer of training, "for self defence," a frown)
-he was still the son of the number two hero, even if his hatred for Endeavor's existence was almost tangible. What would he do if he knew?
(What if what if what if)
It would be so simple to call him. So simple.
He pressed call.
It rang. Once. Twice.
Click. "Hello?"
"T-todoroki?" His voice shook and he hated that, hated how weak that made him feel. He stuttered and blood flowed steadily from the wound on his leg and he pressed down on it, desperate. He's started to feel light headed and his ribs burned from a kick he hadn't been able to avoid. They might be cracked. Possibly. Izuku doesn't know.
"Midoriya? He sounds concerned. Izuku feels like laughing and Todoroki sounds concerned. "What's wrong?"
"I-" Coughs wrack his chest, his lungs ache and sharp pain lances through his chest. He pulls a hand away from his mouth and is greatful there isn't any blood. Coughing blood usually means one of two things, Izuku has come to learn. Either he was bleeding internally and blood was getting caught in his respiratory system, or he had bitten his tongue or cheek hard enough to bleed. Considering he hadn't bitten anything, coughing blood would mean his ribs were far more than cracked and he would have to go the hospital, fresh from a fight with a vigilante or no. He couldn't afford to do that. He couldn't.
(For mother, for mother, for mother)
"I need help," he manages to say, tears falling from his eyes. Gods, everything hurts.
Todoroki is quiet for a moment, and some sort of rustling is all Izuku can hear, before- "Is there anything I need to bring?"
No questions about what happened. No demands for answers. Just what do you need? Izuku laughs quietly, something he quickly regrets when his ribs scream in protest, and wonders at it all. What did he ever do to deserve the friendship of someone like Todoroki? After all that he had done, how was it possible? "Bandages," he says, mentally reviewing his wounds. "Disinfectant. Gauze, painkillers, and a change of clothes." That would at least keep him alive until he reached home or a safe house. (He had a safe house, a safe house, what even was his life-) "Can you manage that?"
There was more rustling. "Where do I meet you?"
Izuku glances around the alley he's hidden in. He doesn't know where the vigilante is, doesn't know where the heroes or the police are. The vigilante might be dead, he doesn't know. The gun Aki had gotten for him had a strong kick to it, and Izuku hadn't quite managed to perfect his aim just yet. He's better with knives, but he doesn't have any throwing knives, isn't practiced with using them anyways, and the vigilante had been primarily long distance. Right up until he had gotten in close and not only stabbed Izuku but kicked him into a wall.
It's quiet. So quiet. Were there the heroes? The sirens, the police? Where was the city life, the back alley thugs, the low life villains who so enjoyed lingering in places like these? How much longer was this place going to be safe, how much longer was he going to be safe? Maybe the police had already found the place where it had all gone down, find the maybe corpse of the vigilante Stardust and figure out that it was the information broker Akatani Mikumo who he had faught. Maybe they'd find Izuku in this alley, bled out and dead from his wounds and the school would find out, and his mother would find out-Kacchan would be so angry. He'd probably complain to the world that it should have been him to take him out, him to take Izuku down when he was a hero. His mother would be on her own then, no one to pay the medical bills, no one to keep the apartment, no one to fend off the lone sharks or to visit her or to brighten up her day and she would die alone in her hospital bed, wondering how it was that her son could turn so bad, do such horrible things all in her name-
"Midoriya. You're mumbling."
Oh. He did it again. How much had Todoroki heard?
(And the world fell down around him, crumbling to ash and dust)
Izuku took a deep, shuddering breath and braced himself. He would trust Todoroki. He didn't have much of a choice at this point, it was far too late to turn back. Had been to late from the moment he had hit the call button on his phone. He gave Todoroki directions to where he was. Izuku wasn't able to move at this point, wouldn't be able to get to somewhere more easily accessible, didn't really want too-
It was still too quiet.
It didn't take long for Todoroki to get there. He arrived with a duffle bag slung over his shoulder, his eyes narrowed and expression concerned. He was a difficult person to read, but Izuku had gotten better at it with time. He guessed it was the same the other way around.
"Midoriya?" He asked. (The silence shatters like glass) "Are you here?"
"Here," Izuku mumbled, his head lolling to one side. He felt sluggish and slow, and his head ached. Everything ached. He'd probably lost too much blood, it stained his pants and the ground red and brown and black. Todoroki was at his side in an instant, the bag set down on the ground. He started on Izuku's injuries immediately, helping Izuku out of his clothes so he could better see what he was dealing with. He tends to Izuku's leg first, and then checks to see if Izuku's ribs are cracked or broken. Izuku mumbles out what the worst of the wounds are, and Todoroki is silent as he works.
It's only after the worst of Izuku's wounds are wrapped and bandaged that he speaks. "What happened?" The words are spoken softly, but Todoroki is staring right at him, straight in the eye, and Izuku wonders just how much he knows. There is an odd look there, an indescribable one. (Izuku feels like it's swallowing him whole)
"...What do you know?" Izuku askes, finally, after the silence has stretched out far too long.
Todoroki's lips purse and he pulls a plastic bag out of the duffle bag. He creates ice with his quirk to drop in it at he speaks, concentrating on his task. "I know you're doing something illegal. I know you're doing it or your mother."
Izuku let out a long sigh. "So you know that much, huh?" What a thought.
"I'm not going to turn you in, if that's what you're worried about." Izuku looks down at Todoroki to see that he's stilled. He tries to see the expression on his face, to get a peek into what he might be thinking, but all he sees is two toned hair and a hint of the burn scar that trails across his shoulder and down his back. "I'll keep quiet."
(Does he believe so little in him?That he might-)
"Why?" Izuku asks, because he had to know. Why would Todoroki keep it a secret, all of this, the wounds the blood the breaking of the law. Izuku is a villain. (There is no getting around that, not at this point, not after so long) He's hurt too many people in his quest to heal his mother, even taken someone's life with his own hands. Possibly two someones, if Stardust really is dead. He'll have to get someone to check up on that later. That, as well as if the client had gotten away, as well as how Stardust had found Izuku's base of operations in the first place.
He's been an information broker for nearly three years now. He'd taken steps to make sure no one could connect Akatani Mikumo to Midoriya Izuku, had made certain that all his meetings were secure before attending them. Yamada Kenichi had been an eye-opener and Izuku was nothing if not a quick study. He researches al his clients thoroughly, vets them before he meets them so he could avoid walking into another trap. (And yet-)
"You listen." Todoroki shrugs and looks up and Izuku can see his eyes again, read his expression again, and all he sees there is incomprehensible. There is gratitude and care and concern and worry and something else, something different, all mixed up in it and Izuku hasn't the faintest idea how to interpret it all. "You don't care who I am, or what I can do for you. You don't care that I'm Endeavor's son, or that I'll be attending UA next year on a recommendation. You listen when I speak, and you care about me because I'm me."
And isn't that just perfect? Attachment just because he treated Todoroki like an actual human being? Were people, was society, really so fucked up that that was all it took to earn someone's loyalty, to make a person willing to break the law for him? Really? Really?
(He remembers warm summer days when he was a child, the sun beating down on his back. Kacchan looked so cool, standing there on the hill, his hands lit up with sparks. "I'm going to be the number one hero!" he cried, Kacchan cried, and Izuku followed along like a pilgrim before a god)
People really do things for the strangest of reasons, don't they?
He feels like laughing again.
(He feels like he's going mad)
"And if I've killed someone?" Izuku asked, because he's desperate, because he's been drowning under the weight of his guilt, the pressure of needing to succeed, the stress of his mother getting weaker and weaker everyday- ("She's still asleep today. She woke up briefly this morning, but we don't think she'll be up again for another few hours at least.")
Todoroki is quiet again after that. He takes the ice pack that's been melting in his hands he finished making it and presses it against Izuku's-thankfully neither broken nor cracked-ribs. Izuku can still see his eyes, and isn't sure what he sees there, can't fathom what's happening in the depths of Todoroki's mind.
His eyes are two different colors. Just like his hair. One is brown, the same color as tree bark, and the other is an icy blue that's almost teal. It looks like ice. They're pretty.
"Have you?" Todoroki asks and the only thing Izuku can do is nod numbly. "Why?"
"He tried to kill me," Izuku concesses. ("It's all your fault, all your fault!") "He wanted revenge."
"For what?"
"I ruined his life. Maybe not directly, but-" Izuku took a deep breath, forcing himself not to wince when it aggravates his ribs. The ice feels cool against them and it numbs the pain, for which Izuku is grateful, so grateful. "I still did it." He whispers those words, so quiet, they're almost lost on the non-existent wind.
Todoroki stares at him. Izuku gets lost in his eyes, reaching, desperately, for any stray thought he can grab onto. The secret for finding out what Todoroki is thinking, Izuku has found, lies in his eyes. They're always so much more expressive than the rest of him. But there were moments, moments like these, where Izuku would never be able to tell what he's thinking, never be able to pluck out his secrets and spread them to the world.
Then he's being pulled into a hug, and this time he does wince at the pain in his ribs, but-two hands, two slightly different temperatures, are holding him, gripping his bare back and this is the first hug Izuku has had from anyone in years.
Todoroki doesn't like being touched. Izuku can't blame him. Not when his home life is what it is, not when his father is who he is.
(And yet-)
Izuku puts his arms around him and buries his face into the crook of Todoroki's neck. It's comforting, and warm, and kind and Izuku has missed this, missed it so much, missed the hugs his mother used to give him all the time-
He shivers and clutches Todoroki tighter, leaning against the warmer half of his body.
Izuku doesn't know how long they stay like that, just holding each other, but he's holding back tears by the end of it, trying not to cry. They break apart eventually, thought, and Izuku looks Todoroki in the eye and says, "Thank you."
"Any time," Todoroki responds, and he looks like he means it. He's smiling, just slightly, an upturn of his lips that light up his eyes and Izuku questions, once more what he did to deserve this.
"You're okay with this?" Izuku asks, because he still can't bring himself to believe it. "With me being a villain?"
"Are you?" Todoroki asks. "A villain?"
Izuku opens his mouth, and then closes again. Wasn't it obvious what he was? "I'm an information broker, Todoroki. I sell information to whoever pays the most. Most of the time, my buyers are villains. That's not even mentioning the fact that I've killed." He laughs, quietly, and the sound stabs at him like knives.
(Blood pools beneath him, blooming like flowers, it's red like roses are supposed to be)
"My father is called a hero," Todoroki says. "If a man like that is a hero, then what does that make you?"
"You-" Izuku chokes on the words, and this time tears really do fall. He laughs and it's a broken thing, a broken sound, like glass shattered on the ground beneath. "Of all people, I'm glad I ran into you." (On that day, with knife in hand, and he looked so vulnerable, so scared-) "So glad-"
He's still crying and Todoroki reaches up to run a hand through Izuku's hair. Izuku leans into it and when he looks, there is something gentle in Todoroki's expression. He relishes in it.
"Tell me everything?"
He does.
He explains how it all started. About how the illness had shown up one day out of nowhere. ("Mother? Are you okay?") They hadn't thought much of it at first. It was just a cough and it was cold season and wasn't it normal to get a little sick around that time of year? ("It's just a cough, Izuku. I'll take some medicine and be better in no time!") He talks about how it only got worse from there.
He talks about searching for jobs, for people who would hire a child, for odd jobs or cheap favors, anything to get a little more money. ("Wha-How old are ya, kid? Ya can't be more than ten! Why on earth would ya wanna work here of all places?") He talks about finding a job in a convenience store when he was twelve, moving boxes in the back. He talks about the person he worked with, Yin-san, and how they had always seemed like a delinquent, and how they had been interested in what Izuku had to say. ("Take Monster's quirk, for example. He would do well against villains who specialize in close combat, but pit him against a villain with more ranged options, such as Cielo, and he would have to get much more creative in order to take them down.") He talks about how Yin-san had payed Izuku to do research on one of his favorite heroes, about how Izuku had presented that information to him and accepted the money with glee. How Yin-san had started bringing other people for Izuku to met.
He talks about creating another persona, Akatani Mikumo, in an attempt to keep his normal life separate from what was quickly turning into a business as an information broker. He talks about turning on the TV and finding out a hero had lost a battle because of a weakness Izuku had sold not even three days before-
The guilt, the depression, the questioning of if he should be doing this or not. The hospital visits, the loan sharks, the nights spent stalking.
He talks about Yamada Kenichi. About how information Izuku had sold had been used to kill the man's fiancee. About how he had pulled a gun and Izuku had just reacted. About how he had pulled the trigger, and Yamada Kenichi had fallen to the ground, blood pooling beneath his body and a glassy look overtaking his eyes.
("What is good?" The words drip from his mouth like blood and ink, dreams of shadows and laughter lingering behind his eyes, their echoes mocking him on the ceiling. "What is evil?")
He talks about contacting Sanada Aki to get a set of knives and a handgun. About taking lessons to better defend himself. About night after night after night of nightmares. About the paranoia, the nervousness, the everything.
He feels numb by the end of it. No, not numb. Raw. He feels raw and wrung out, exhausted in a way he'd never felt like before. He's shaking, his face feels like it's covered in static, he's been crying and falling apart through all of it, and Todoroki, Todoroki-
He was a lifeline, one hand in his and silent support, not judging anything Izuku had done. Not one word putting him down.
(Someone knows now, someone knows-They've heard his story, all of it, every last bit of it-and they're still in an alley where the police could find them or the heroes could find him and Izuku is barely wearing any clothes)
He shivers, and Todoroki pushes a T-shirt in his hands. It's blue. And familiar. The T-shirt that Izuku had given Todoroki when they first met. Now Izuku feels like laughing again. (It keeps happening, bubbling up inside him and getting stuck in his throat) Izuku smiles and puts it on. When he's done, Todoroki helps him stand and put on a pair of clean pants.
He's finally dressed, his wounds are tended for, and he leans against Todoroki to keep standing. "Now what?" he asks. "Do we go back to normal?" Normal. What even was normal?
"I don't think that's possible," Todoroki says, setting Izuku back down on the ground. He starts backing up all their medical supplies, and stuffs Izuku's ruined suit into the duffel bag as well.
"Then what is?" Izuku looks up at the sky. It's cloudy today, and the skies are colored grey. It looks gloomy and cold and Izuku hates it.
"Take me with you."
Izuku freezes. He turns to look amd sees determination in Todoroki's gaze. "What?"
"You start taking me with you. That's what's going to happen."
AN: This was supposed to be for the third day of Villain Izuku Week, and I'd like to say I'm sorry for the long wait, but I'm honestly not. A lot has been happening and my muse has been all over the place. Regardless, it's finally done, and I hope you enjoyed!