Note: Usual spoilers for 'Agents of SHIELD' and movies to date.

"Must Be Joking"

"Most people in my field suit the name 'mercenary'," Hunter said, wiping the excess sleep from his eyes. "Remember what I was like before?"

"Now you side with good over money, thank God," Coulson said.

"Yeah," Fitz added from the other side of the office. He had an ice pack on his forehead as he lounged on the couch. Hunter was propped beside him, sitting on the floor with his legs straight out in front of him. Coulson was tapping idly on his desk.

"No," Hunter said, and they looked at him. "I side with you over money."

"Careful, or I'll get toothache," Coulson riposted, changing the rhythm of his tapping.

"Don't you know anyone outside of SHIELD who'd join, even just on contract?" Fitz asked, shoving the ice pack up his forehead when it began to slip.

"No one I've met," Hunter said, frowning as he tried to think. "Some by reputation, but HYDRA has more money than us. I guess it's a matter of finding someone who'd hate… them just as much as we do."

"The Avengers have the Maximoff twins," Coulson said, and he sighed. "Damn. It would've been good to have a few more powered people. I know they make Mack nervous, although I think his main issue is with me."

"At least he's here, and searching for Simmons," Fitz said. "He's her soulmate, after all."

"I know you want to get involved, mate, but even though they never bonded he still has a better chance of finding her with their… sort-of-connection," Hunter said, patting Fitz's knee. Fitz grumbled something unintelligible, and knocked his hand away.

"Don't need your sympathy," he mumbled.

"My last resort is to approach the X-Men," Coulson continued as if the side conversation hadn't happened at all. "They're already busy enough with this sudden surge of people developing powers. I don't want to add to their workload."

"There aren't any people I can contact," Hunter said. "As soon as they hear I'm working for SHIELD they won't—"

"We prefer you here," Fitz said quickly. Hunter rolled his eyes.

"Wasn't gonna leave," he said. "But I won't have a number for anyone I've never met."

"Logical," Coulson said.

"There's…" Hunter winced, remembering a name. "I only know him by reputation, never spoken to him in my life, but he's been a science experiment before. He has connections, even though people hate to use them because apparently he's the most annoying person you'll ever come across…" He took a breath, released it slowly. "Have you heard of Deadpool?"

"…Wade Wilson? You think he'd help SHIELD?"

Hunter shrugged, still reluctant. "Worth a try, if we could find him. Not as fast as that new bloke with the Avengers, but an amazing swordsman by all accounts. Learns his weapons quickly, apparently invincible, skilled fighter. Insane, and talks too much."

"Is that the entire pros and cons list?" Coulson asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Probably not. Just condensing what I've heard, boss."

"Sounds like an interesting person," Fitz said, and Hunter gave him a dirty look. "Our team's made up of… uh, funny people. Ex-something."

"Ecstatic?"

"No."

"Eccentric?"

"That's it! Eccentric. Just as long as he's loyal, I don't see how his more… annoying at… at…"

"Attributes?"

"Would be enough of a, uh, turn-off?"

"Fitz is right," Coulson said. "Do you know how to find him? Deadpool, I mean?"

"Not a clue," Hunter said. "But I think he knows the X-Men. If you can get in touch with them, they might be able to give you a bead on him."

"Not a bead," Coulson muttered, reaching for his phone. "Anything but a bead." He dialled a number as Fitz reached out blindly and managed to pat Hunter on the shoulder (after poking his ear).

Charles Xavier had stopped looking at Deadpool because of the latter's infuriating habit of teleporting unnecessarily around a confined space. He was close to resting his elbows on the desk, and projected a glare to his sister. Raven sniggered, barely audible over Deadpool's chatter. Logan was silent, as usual, but Charles was sure he was following every teleportation with sharp eyes.

"…and someone's finally asking for my help! Sure, the pay doesn't sound great, but it makes a nice," teleport, "change from people trying to kill me, so," teleport back, "I think I'll accept the offer. I mean, it's a good offer, isn't it," teleport, "Professor X?"

"It sounds very good," Charles said. "But after the events of HYDRA and SHIELD, I would prefer to meet with the director myself, and mediate should things get…"

"What? Awkward? D'you think I'm gonna be killed again?"

"I hope not. Blood stains are terribly difficult to clean up."

"And they spoil the décor," Logan muttered.

"Just be yourself," Raven said, changing from her blonde cover to her natural blue.

"Won't that make them decide I'm not worth it?" Deadpool said. It was glimpses of that insecure man which made Charles feel somewhat protective of Wade Wilson, even though the mercenary was in no way his responsibility. But Logan had worked with him before (killed him a few times), and Erik and Deadpool had bonded over their hatred of being science experiments. When Raven joined that particular party, Charles had broken out the good scotch. Erik was predictably cuddly later, but Raven was too tipsy to look after mournful Deadpool, which left Charles in an awkward position. Not his best night.

"If they don't want you for who you are, screw `em," Raven advised, and Logan snorted when Deadpool brightened. "No, not literally."

"Aw. But what if my soulmate…? Nah, not likely." He shrugged. "When'll they get here, Prof?"

"Not long now," Charles said, wishing that Erik didn't have a class so that he could be here, all supportive and just… yes, supportive.

It wasn't long at all before Storm brought Director Coulson in, followed by two men.

"I'm Phil Coulson," he said, leaning over the desk and holding out his hand. Charles shook it, taking in the prosthesis on the director's left arm.

"Charles Xavier," he replied.

"A pleasure to finally meet you in person, Professor Xavier."

"Please, sit down, Director Coulson."

"Thanks, but we won't keep you. We're just here to make an offer to Mr. Wilson."

"Ooh! Mr. Wilson." Deadpool teleported to the director's side, who, to his credit, looked unfazed by the sudden movement. "I like you already. I'm Deadpool, or Wade, or Mr. Wilson. I like the last one best, actually. So! You wanna hire my services? It'll cost you, depending on what you want me to do."

"Actually, I wanted to offer you part-time work, not just contract," Director Coulson, raising an eyebrow. Deadpool's jaw dropped momentarily.

"Wait, as in steady work?" he said.

"Relatively, with quarters at the base, a salary—"

"Trial period?"

"A week or three missions, whichever comes first. One or two missions, depending on how badly they snowball. Not everything goes to plan, much as we'd like it to." The director continued to smile pleasantly, while Deadpool bounced on the balls of his feet.

"And if I passed? If you gave me an actual job? You wouldn't kick me out, would you? I'd have somewhere to stay where people wouldn't hate me… much?"

"We're not like that," one of Coulson's men said. He sounded English, and had a scruff of a beard. Deadpool froze, and Charles could almost feel his heart racing.

"Good to know," Deadpool finally managed to say. "If you're sure. You don't have to… you know, if you don't want me, which I'd understand. It'd be awkward around the workplace, but… I mean, you probably didn't… Those were my words."

"Hunter?" Coulson said, looking back over his shoulder. Hunter stared at Deadpool, who was hopping from one foot to another (though no longer teleporting around the office, thank God). He swallowed visibly.

"Well," he said. "I guess we'll have to take you with us, won't we?"

Coulson hesitated, and then smiled at Deadpool. "You'd better come along, then."

"You're my soulmate?" Deadpool said, still gazing at Hunter, who looked partly-bemused. Charles entered his mind gently, wishing to avoid detection, and heard snatches of thoughts. 'Not how I expected today to go.' 'Should've known he'd be a chatterbox.' 'Wonder where his soulmark is.' 'My God, that costume is tight.' Charles smiled at the last one, and noticed Hunter's gaze drifting up and down Deadpool's body.

"Surely hope so," Hunter said.

"You must have one of the longest soulmarks in the world."

"Not showing you here, mate." Hunter cocked his head towards the door. "Coming?"

"Uh-huh," Deadpool said, and he glanced at Charles. "Thanks for bein' all protective, Prof, but I'll be getting out of your hair now. Bye, Logan! Bye, Bluebell!"

He waved to the others, grabbed Hunter's hand, and fairly yanked him out of the room.

"We'll be going, unless there's something you want to talk about?" Coulson said.

"Nothing which cannot be discussed over the phone," Charles replied. "Good day."

Coulson nodded at Logan, and then at Raven.

"Miss," he said, and he gestured for his other agent to precede him. But Charles noticed Raven tense, and then dash to his side.

"What did you call me?" she said.

Oh God. Charles had forgotten that. Coulson blinked, opened his mouth, and then quickly shut it again.

"Sorry," he said. "My mistake."

"What's your mistake?" she asked, and she turned back to her blonde form. Coulson's half-smile turned rueful.

"Definitely too young to be my…" He trailed off, covering it with a terribly fake cough.

"Not because I'm a mutant?" she said, her fingers twisting together.

"What? You mean… did I say your soulmark? You said…"

"Yeah, you said it," Raven said. "You really think it's because I look so… young?"

"I was born with my soulmark."

"And I grew up with Charles. I'm much older than I look, Director Coulson."

He stared at her. "What's your name?"

"Raven."

"If you don't age…"

"I do. I can look however I want to look," she explained. "I'll look older if you want me to. I can… I can look however you want m—"

"Why would I want that?" he asked. "You're you. You're… you're my soulmate?" She held out her hand, returning to her natural form, and showed him the single word there. "You are. Why would I want you to be anyone else?"

She looked incredibly lost, which made Charles's heart ache.

"Go on," he said. "You can talk it over in the sitting room next door." Where he could keep an 'eye' on things, and it wasn't too far away. Raven nodded, and tugged Coulson out the door. Hmm. Charles would have to think of a better threat than 'Hurt her and I'll kill you with my brain'. If SHIELD didn't mind having a shape-shifter, they couldn't find better than his sister, and he knew she was itching to get away from the house, but still have purpose in an environment where she wouldn't be judged.

"Nice to meet you," the remaining agent said in a soft Scottish accent. His eyes flicked over Logan. "Very nice indeed." Logan's eyebrows rose rapidly. "Sorry. That was inappropriate. I'd better go."

"Don't," Logan said. Charles could have groaned in disbelief when he read Logan's surface thoughts. "Stay here."

"…What did you say?"

"You're my soulmate."

"Even with, uh, puncture… something."

"Punctuation?" Charles suggested. The agent turned red and nodded.

"Yeah," he said. "With that. My soulmark still seemed sort of… menacing? My mother told me it would all work out, but I preferred to remain cynical, just in case." His hands were shaking as they twisted around each other. "I suppose she was right."

Logan led the curly-haired agent out of the room, and Charles managed to hear the name 'Leo Fitz' before his door closed. Still baffled by the morning's events, he poked about until he found Erik's mind. He generally stayed out, especially this close to his birthday, because he knew how Erik felt about his surprises being spoiled. But this merited mention.

All three SHIELD representatives found their soulmates in Deadpool, Raven, and Logan, he told Erik. Must be something about this office.

If that is the case, Erik thought fiercely, then you are not to allow anyone who isn't me to enter your domain until I get there.

Yes, dear.

Hunter still hadn't heard from Coulson and Fitz, but Deadpool kept distracting him in effective ways. Good thing Hunter and Bobbi were divorced, and that she was planning to leave SHIELD, or at least stop their liaisons, otherwise he'd feel guilty. They always knew they weren't soulmates, but laughed in the face of it, especially when Hunter decided his soulmate was either one hell of a chatterbox, or they'd be a nervous wreck upon meeting him. Annoying vs. zero confidence. Either way, he wasn't interested.

But Deadpool was… unique. He kept arguing with some invisible presence, like they were in a movie or book, before going back to talk Hunter's ears off, or kissing him silly. And trying to get his hand down Hunter's pants the entire time, which wasn't happening until the third date, at least. And no, this did not count as a first, second, or third date.

"Your people aren't back yet," Deadpool said slyly, toying with the zip of Hunter's tac gear. "Wouldn't that be the best way to pass the time?"

"Not having a quickie in a van with my soulmate," Hunter said. "Not for our first time."

"Ooh, how romantic." Deadpool nipped the skin behind Hunter's ear. "I've heard of you, and not just through comics or Wikis either, though you're different in the comics. Way hotter, and more… hmm, three-dimensional, if you know what I mean." He winked, and Hunter really had no idea what Deadpool was talking about, but he nodded anyway. "Hey, you don't have to placate me or anything. I can take criticism."

"Wasn't planning to criticise you, love," Hunter said, the endearment slipping out before he could think. Deadpool wrapped his legs tighter around Hunter's waist, still on his lap.

"Aw. You're such a cutie. A romantic and a cutie, with an adventurous streak. Plus, a former merc like me, now employed by the good guys, or whatever SHIELD agents are."

"We're the good guys."

"Then so am I! We're a match made in heaven." Deadpool kissed him again, and Hunter nearly hit the back of his head on the van wall. "Or in the author's twisted brain. Either way, I'm really lucking out when it comes to soulmates."

"Hey, only one," Hunter said, poking his backside. "Uh, try not to hate my ex, alright? I know I call her a harpy and a she-devil all the time, but she kept breaking my heart."

"I'm not gonna do that," Deadpool said, wide-eyed. "Break your heart, that is. If she hurts you again I can't guarantee I won't kill her—"

"Wade!"

"Fine!" he declared dramatically, draping himself over Hunter. "Whatever you want, sweetheart. `Kay?"

"Lovely," Hunter said. Sarcasm optional.

"'Sarcasm optional'? What the hell does that even mean?"

Shut up, Deadpool! I'm trying to be clever. You know I suck at description.

"After the third date… or maybe the second date, I'm totally gonna suck Hunter's—"

WADE!

Ugh. No idea how that happens. I've borrowed a Deadpool book out of the library, so hopefully I'll be able to write him a bit better in future.

So. No one requested any of these pairings, from what I can tell, although there are always calls for more Deadpool. I loved the idea of Fitz/Wolverine, and decided that it was only fair to give Phil a soulmate, so I chose Mystique because why the hell not? I can imagine her offering to take a different form for bonding, and Phil being all 'Why?', and Raven becoming an awesome SHIELD agent, and Logan hammering Fitz into the nearest surface whenever they're alone together. But then I'm inappropriate like that.

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