A/N: Wow, I know its been ages since i last updated. Sorry!! But my exams are nearly finished and so is the school term so i will hopefully be able to devote some more time to this story. Thank you for reading!! I would like to know if anyone is interested in beta'ing for me as my old beta unfortunately no longer has the time. Also is there anybody who knows how to get ff . net to stop changing formatting?

Chapter Thirteen

Harry stopped outside the Gryffidor portrait hole and forced his breathing to slow down. He smoothed his robes, while trying to stop his hands from shaking. It would not do to let his friends or anyone else see him like this. Not after he had tried so hard all weekend to act normally. With a final deep breath he pushed the portrait open and went into the almost deserted common room.

Hermione was sitting at one of the big tables, slumped over her Herbology essay, quill loose in her grip. Harry smiled slightly: trust Hermione to stay up all night finishing an essay that was only due the next week. He shook her gently awake before.

"You all right Harry?" She asked groggily.

"Yeah I'm ok. You've got ink on your face."

"Oh what? Where?" She rubbed her face where he pointed. "You look dreadfully pale." She said concernedly, studying him.

"Just a hard session that's all."

"You sure?" She was still giving him a scrutinizing look.

"Yeah. I've just been tired lately. Not that it's ever an excuse with Snape." He smiled wearily at her, watching her smudge ink over her face instead of cleaning it.

"How are the lessons going?"

"I'm improving. I think. Sort of." She gave him a stern look, the effect of which was ruined by her black smeared cheeks. Harry almost laughed.

"What?" Hermione demanded. He gestured at her face.

"Come here." She leant forward. He pulled out his wand and cast a cleaning charm.

"Thanks," she said, half laughing. "But seriously Harry, are the lessons helping? You haven't been tired so much as completely exhausted. Ron said you hardly sleep."

Harry felt a twinge of irritation that they'd been talking about him. "It's getting better now."

He wouldn't tell her it wasn't the visions that kept him up so much as the dreams. The dreams were so much worse. "I think I'm gonna hit the sack. Night"

"Night Harry."

Harry headed to bed, passing all his snoring dorm mates. Quietly he opened his trunk and medicated himself with the dastardly foul tasting concoctions Snape had given him as well as his own. He held his stomach as the nausea swept through him. In all fairness Snape's potions were making him heal more quickly. But how he hated the feeling they gave him.

He slid under his duvet, pulling his hangings closed as he did. His thoughts slid back to the evening's session with the Potions Master. He thought he was going to handle it better than he had. But when Snape said some of those things… He'd just got so angry. Angry at Snape for interfering. With himself for being afraid. Maybe he was also angry that Snape was not behaving like he normally did. He didn't fit into the mould he had for the last five years of Harry's Hogwarts career. He shouted at Snape, and Snape didn't retaliate. Didn't shout or take points or anything else like he used to. And it scared Harry because it meant that he couldn't predict what the man would do next…Merlin! What if he was angry at Harry tomorrow for the way he had acted? He never would have done that at home. Ever. What would Snape do? What would he do?

He would handle it he told himself firmly. He had to.

But worse of all when Snape asked about his legs… Harry had been so scared he would tell him to take off his jeans. He would have run away there and then if the man had. Just the thought of it made him uneasy; it dredged up memories far better forgotten. Harry glanced at his hands that were still shaking slightly. What was wrong with him? Where was his resolve to be strong?

Sighing, he rolled over. He didn't really want to sleep. Maybe he should go for a walk? No he really should at least try… He was going to need it if Snape was going to teach him combat.

"Won't you stay behind for a few minutes Harry?"

Harry ground his teeth at his Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher's request. He continued tucking his books into his bag as the rest of the class filed out for lunch, chattering excitedly about the new section on curses Lupin had said they would begin tomorrow. When they were all gone, Harry looked to the teacher. He was pretty sure he knew what Remus was going to say and he knew he couldn't answer him.

Lupin came to sit on the desk besides him, watching him intently. Harry tried to put his unease aside. The man would know.

"Harry I'm worried about you." Lupins' eyes searched his face. "You've been so distant since the holidays. And you keep trying to push me away."

Harry looked down, avoiding his teacher's eyes. Lupin didn't understand who he really was; what he really was. He didn't understand that if Harry didn't keep pushing him away he was going to end up dead. Or worse, he would find out what he, Harry, really was. Or more precisely, wasn't. "Harry?"

Not only that. Lupin had loved Sirius like a brother. How could the man look at him, at Harry? His brother's murderer. Guilt stabbed at his heart.

Lupin moved his hand towards him. Harry forced himself not to flinch.

"I-" What could he say? What would make Lupin stopped his endless, relentless probing? He loved the man. He didn't deserve to. That's why he had to keep him and the others from coming too close. They would only get hurt, one way or another. "I've just been busy. You know, all the work we've got this year."

"That's not really why, is it?" Lupin asked gently.

Harry didn't answer. Why wouldn't the man just let it go? Couldn't he understand that some things were better left alone? Like him.

"Is it Sirius?" That made Harry look up. He could see the pain in Remus' eyes. Pain he caused. Pain he had caused because he was weak. He hated himself so much.

"Harry… I know it's hard. It hurts to talk about him. But it helps." Lupin looked at him again. That intense, scrutinising gaze. "I'm here if you want to."

He most definitely did not want to talk about it. He just wanted to get out before his culpability overwhelmed him.

"I'll keep that in mind sir." He mumbled as he stood, swinging his bag over his shoulder as he did. "Thanks." As he walked out the classroom he could feel his teacher's gaze on his back.

Harry headed for the Great Hall to join the others for lunch. Before he entered he dashed the tears that were threatening to fall and tried to still the guilt that felt like it was trying to claw its way out of his chest. Be strong he told himself. They can't see you like this.

Taking a deep breath he entered.

/\/\/\/\

Severus watched Potter walk into the hall for lunch. He joined his friends quickly and helped himself to a small plate of food. The boy still wasn't eating enough. Potter sat quietly and ate, watching his friends tease each other.

"Severus?" He heard Dumbledore querying tone.

"Sorry, what was that Headmaster?"

"I was just commenting that Harry seems to be settling down again."

Not likely, Severus thought to himself. He's putting his mask back on. "He's certainly socialising more."

"You think something is wrong still?" Asked Dumbledore over his goblet of pumpkin juice.

"I intend to keep an eye on him."

"Perhaps it would be wise to keep two. I have been worried about him" The Headmaster sighed. "You have had news on the other front?" Severus knew he was talking about the Dark Lord.

"Not much. There is to be another gathering next weekend although we have not been told what it is about."

"Very well. I think perhaps we should look to further tightening the schools security. Voldemort may think to give a show of power against us."

He too had heard whispered rumours of it. "What did you have in mind?"

"New wards and strengthening of old ones, among other things."

"I thought that had been finished in the holidays?"

"Indeed Severus. But every caution must be taken. I think there is still room for improvement." The Potions Master nodded. He too would prefer Hogwarts to be as secure as possible.

The bell rang. The students began rushing to class as the professors too stood and departed to teach. Snape rose with them. He had the sixth years next, which meant Potter and Malfoy together, which in turn meant he had to watch the class like a hawk. Good Merlin, he was going to kill whoever decided to put those two houses

\/\/\/\/

Harry followed Hermione into the potions lab, pretending listening to her chatter on about something or other. He couldn't concentrate on what she was saying, he was more concerned how Snape would act after last night.

They were setting up their cauldrons for the lesson as the Potions Master stalked through the door, causing an instantaneous silence to fall over the class.

"Open your books to page twenty three." There was an immediate rustle as books were pulled open and correct pages found. "We will be brewing the base for a pain relieve potion shown in your books today. The base must be brewed absolutely correctly or it is worthless. It also needs to be left to mature for twelve to sixteen hours before it can be used in pain relieve potion. Why would it need to be matured?" The professor gave a contemptuous look around the class when only Hermione raised her hand. His eyes scanned the class before picking a victim.

"Potter why would this be?"

Harry's stomach clenched in fear before he caught himself. It was just a stupid question for Merlin's sake! What was wrong with him? He saw Malfoy smirking behind his hand and the class looked at him expectantly. Snape was watching him intently too, a derisive expression on his face. Quickly he scanned the ingredient list. He was not going to give Malfoy the pleasure of watching him lose points for Gryffidor. Or Snape for that matter. But which ingredient needed twelve hours…

"We are waiting Potter." Snape said, the sneer in his voice unmistakable.

Harry again caught himself before he flinched at the man's tone. "I think it's because the willow bark takes time to become magically potent enough to cure pain, sir." He managed to get out without stuttering. Malfoy stopped smirking once he realised that Harry had apparently managed the correct answer. Hermione's hand dropped disappointedly.

"Indeed." He wished Snape would stop looking at him like he could see right through him. "Begin brewing. Those of you who do not brew it properly will be in detention brewing it until you get it correct." With that there was another busy rustle as everyone began gathering the necessary ingredients.

Harry's heart sank. No doubt Snape was going to make him fail this one intentionally so he could pretend he had detention instead of occlumency. He started working, determined not to give the Potions Master the chance.

…..

Severus was prowling among the students, keeping a sharp eye out for anyone foolish enough to make a mistake. It was not a particularly difficult potion base to brew but the dunderheads he had to teach were capable of taking the simplest potion and ruining it beyond recognition.

He stalked among the Gryffidors, watching how each student carefully sliced their willow bark into regularly sized chunks, snapping at those who were not doing it properly. Granger and Potter were at the back, talking quietly about something. No, arguing. He moved a bit closer…

….

"Come off it Hermione, he would and you know it." Harry muttered, carefully stirring his potion anti-clockwise as it turned green.

"He's a teacher, he can't" she whispered back as she put her slithered splice root into her cauldron.

"Hasn't stopped him before. I'm just saying, keep an eye out."

"Harry…"

"Hermione please. I'm not asking you much here." Harry was getting frustrated with her.

"Fine, fine. I still don-"

"5 Points from Gryffidor. You are not to talk in this lesson" Came a cold voice from behind them.

Hermione let out a surprised grasped. Harry's head whipped round so fast he nearly cricked his neck. His heart thudded wildly in his chest. Snape was standing behind them. How much had he heard? If the man had not been angry before then he must be now. Harry wanted to kick himself. Why had he said anything in the first place? He should have just managed on his own. He forced himself to concentrate on his brewing. He didn't know why he was so edgy all of a sudden. Maybe it was Lupin and his talk of Sirius. Quickly he shoved that thought out his head too. Now was most definitely not the time to be thinking of that.

He counted twenty stirs clockwise then 6 anti-clockwise and added his willow bark. He was not going to screw this potion up.

….

Severus leant against his desk. The class was quiet, concentrating solely on finishing their potions so as to not incur his wrath. As the bell rung, he told them to bottle a sample of potion and put it on his desk as well as move their cauldrons aside to let the potion mature. It didn't look like anyone had failed for a change. The threat of detention seemed to be a good motivator.

He watched Potter whispering something to Granger who rolled her eyes before grimly, almost cautiously coming to put his sample on the desk. He wondered why the boy was acting so oddly today. No doubt he would find out later.

/\/\/\/\

Harry carefully carried his potion sample forward, keeping an eye out for Snape. He wasn't going to let the man spill or knock his potion out of Harry's hands as he had done in the past. Unfortunately it was not the direction of the Potion Master that trouble decided to come from. Harry was so intent on watching Snape he didn't see Malfoy's spiteful grin. He didn't realise that the blond had stuck his foot into Harry's path until he tripped over it, and went crashing to the ground, his potion vial shattering as he landed. He jumped up, completely furious, to see Malfoy and company laughing maliciously at his apparent clumsiness. Harry was on the verge of drawing his wand, as was Malfoy, when…

"What is going on here?" Said a cold voice from behind them.

"Just helping Potter clean up his potion sir," The blond replied promptly, "Potter seems to have the same gene for clumsiness as Longbottom."

Harry was seething as Snape turned to give him an appraising look. He was too angry to back down. Besides saying anything would just be giving the man ammunition.

"Detention then Potter, you have nothing to hand in."

"I do sir," Harry bit out, "I've got more in my cauldron." Malfoy's gloating face froze.

"I see." Said Snape whose voice had reached glacial levels. "Get it then. The rest of you, out." There was a rush as students hurried to escape. Malfoy gave Harry one last glare before he left. Harry quickly scooped another sample and placed it on the professor's desk before hastening after Hermione.