Note: one mention of a past miscarriage, but it's not dwelt on.

"What I Am"

1984

"Well, hello there, sunshine, how are you doing?"

Phillippa Coulson looked up from where she was crouched in the mud over an injured agent, and realised that the reason she wasn't getting any more wet (though she was plenty drenched already, thank you very much) was that the rain was being blocked by a large, black umbrella, held by a man with dark hair and a cheerful grin.

"Okay," she said. "Thanks for the help. I hate to impose, but…"

He laughed and squatted down beside her. "You get on one side, I'll get on the other."

Three months off her twentieth birthday, Pippa nimbly hopped to the agent's other side, and helped her umbrella-holder haul the man to his feet. There was only a bit of slipping in the mud, and they got the man to the nearest bus shelter. Not many holes in the roof, so there was that. Hands now free, Pippa squeezed the water out of her ponytail and smiled at the stranger, who held out his hand.

"John Garrett," he said.

"Pippa Coulson. I've heard of you. Pretty high-ranking for someone only in your twenties."

"And you're pretty young for someone on their third mission," Agent Garrett replied.

"Um…" She fidgeted awkwardly. "You, uh…"

"Said your soulmate words?" She nodded. "You said mine, baby bird."

Pippa laughed nervously. "Baby bird?"

"I like nicknames. Don't you?"

She shrugged. "I don't go by Phillippa, so clearly I don't hate them. And I… I don't mind them coming from you."

Garrett – no, she should probably call him John – stepped closer to her, and cupped the back of her head.

"There's protocol about this," he said. "We'll have to report it."

"I know."

"Before we can even go on a date."

She sighed. "I know."

He moved closer. "Or marry…"

"I-I…"

"Bond." She swallowed as he rubbed their noses together. "Maybe have a kid or two."

"You… you want that? With me?"

"I always imagined what my soulmate would look like," he said. "Course I thought about it all the way. You're prettier than I hoped you'd be. Figured you'd be SHIELD, but it didn't stop me imagining having a family with you." His other hand dropped to her waist, thumb caressing the side of her belly. "Now I've got the pictures running through my head, you decked out in a wedding dress, or whatever you wanna wear. Even this tac gear. Which, by the way, is incredibly distracting."

"You're one to talk," she muttered.

"Yes, I am, sweetheart. Wait `til you hear all the stories I can tell you about other senior level agents. You've only been here a couple of years, I'm guessing?"

"Recruited straight outta high school," she said.

"I've been around over ten years. The age difference is shocking."

Pippa giggled, and leaned up to kiss him. He avoided it. "Hey!"

"If I kiss you, I won't wanna wait to make an honest woman out of you."

"We're soulmates," she said firmly. He grinned.

"I know," he said, pulling her up against his body. She bit her lip to suppress a gasp.

"You plan to marry me, so I don't see what difference time makes," she said.

"It matters to me, baby." He kissed her cheek.

"John… I mean, Agent Garrett."

"Until we're married. Then it'll just get confusing, at least in private."

"Are you sure you don't want to… to take me? To bed?"

"You're not even twenty yet," John said, raising his eyebrows. "Extraction will be here soon."

"That's not an answer! Plenty of people marry their soulmates in their teens. Besides, I'm turning twenty in three months' time."

"Really?"

"Yes! So even if you knocked me up right now," his cheeks turned pink, but she barrelled on, "I wouldn't be giving birth until I was in my twenties."

"The innocence of youth," he remarked, and he walked over to the injured agent, who was still unconscious.

"You'll get all my innocence," Pippa muttered. "Lemme give you a hand with that."

He chuckled, and she realised that he must've heard her. Between them, they helped Adsit to his feet. He stirred a little, but still didn't wake. John swung him up into his arms easily, and Pippa tried not to stare, but she couldn't help admiring how his arm muscles moved beneath the shirt under his tac vest. Yummy, she thought.

"If you don't stop devouring me with your eyes, I'll end up taking you against the bus shelter wall, and that's nowhere near as romantic as you deserve," John said. Adsit grimaced, which made Pippa suspect that he wasn't really asleep. Then John's words hit her, and she blushed as she fumbled with her comm. unit, trying to get in contact with SHIELD to find out their estimated extraction time. 'Not long now' was the best she could get, and she sighed, eyeing her soulmate.

"Were you sent in to rescue me?" she said. "Because I didn't ask for—"

"You reported that Adsit got clipped," he said. "I was the closest available agent. Can't complain about the company." He looked her up and down with a small smile. "Thought this was supposed to be a milk run?"

Pippa snorted softly. "You've been working at SHIELD for long enough to know that not every 'milk run' stays simple. I've been pretty lucky so far."

"From what I've heard it's less luck and more talent," he said, and Pippa ducked her head in embarrassment. "I'm serious, baby bird. Not everyone's recruited into SHIELD straight from high school; from the police or the military or the services, yes, but not high school. You've gotta be exceptional for that. Combined with your instincts, you'll make one hell of an agent."

"You don't believe in luck, do you?" she concluded, tipping her head.

"I believe in many things," John said, arching an eyebrow. "Luck isn't one of them."

"I'm feeling pretty lucky right now."

His face softened. "I believe in you, Phillippa."

Pippa's breath caught. Then there was a low buzzing sound rapidly approaching, and the rain began to blow in on them as a `jet landed nearby. Adsit made a face as his eyes opened, and he glared as water hit him.

"Still don't believe in bad luck?" Pippa called over the loud thumping of the blades. John laughed, helping her haul Adsit up.

"All about perspective, sweetheart," he said. "Bad for us, but good for Long John Silver here."

"I hate you, Garrett," the agent muttered, elbowing him. Pippa poked his arm.

"Don't be mean to my soulmate," she said.

"The two of you together?" He groaned. "Wait `til the others hear about this."

"You're just jealous," John said as they approached the `jet, where medics were already wheeling a stretcher forward. "`Cause I've got a pretty young soulmate who's got the respect of everyone who knows her, even the people she's put away."

Well, if Pippa wasn't already in love, the look he gave her would've done it. She was happy to pass Adsit off to the medical team, and John gave her an unnecessary helping hand into the plane. He even leaned over and buckled her in, which was actually cruel, because his hands lingered in all the right places but they were still technically working, and were in front of her colleagues, and he was so close she could've kissed him if only he hadn't pulled back before she could get that far.

"Did you have to do that?" she muttered. But she settled into his side when he looped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close.

"Parents?" he asked.

"Car accident," she said shortly. "Spent the last few months of my schooling in the system. I was gonna go into the military, but Nick Fury saw something in me and recruited me into SHIELD instead."

"You'd be safer in the forces," John said.

"Barely," Pippa said. "And I wouldn't have met you, would I?"

"Not like this."

"…Was that your way of asking who my legal guardian is? Because I guess that would be SHIELD. Or you could ask Nick for my hand in marriage. Doesn't matter to me, though. We're soulmates; there's nothing to stop us from bonding or marrying, whatever you wanna do."

John didn't take his eyes off her. "All of it," he said. "I told you before; I've thought about this for years. But I'm not pledging to you during a mission."

Pippa sighed internally, but didn't press the point. She'd crack him, sooner or later.

"Are you sure about this, Cheese?" Fury asked, watching her from across the booth. She nodded. "He's a senior agent."

"You know I follow the rules," she said. "You're senior to me and we're still friends, or I like to think so. Enough that I want you to give me away. You're the closest thing I have to family, although with John…" She gazed over at her soulmate, who was ordering ice cream sodas for them. She felt like she was back in high school.

"You're gonna make a new family."

"I'll get to make my own with him," Pippa said. "As soon as I can convince him it's a good idea."

"Judging by the way he looks at you, it won't take much convincing," Fury said.

"I wish," she said. "He's being stubborn. We can get married; I'm old enough, and we're soulmates. I'd be happy with bonding, but he'd be even happier with marriage, old-fashioned gentleman that he is."

"Garrett? A gentleman?"

"Towards me," she said, crossing her hands on the table. "Too much of a one. If I could break into his quarters on base I would, and spread myself out on his bed, waiting. Then maybe he'd jump me."

Rather than commenting on his friend's words, Fury altered the subject.

"As a field agent, do you really think you should be considering motherhood?" he said.

"I'd like to," she said. "While I'm still young enough to bounce back from it, and get my body back into shape. I don't want to wait too long. John's reminded me a few times, the aggravating bastard, that he's around ten years older than I am. Large age differences between parents and their children aren't fair on anyone. I don't want to make the same mistakes my parents did…" Not that she'd lost her parents to old age, but if they'd had her sooner and she'd met her soulmate sooner, they may've at least seen grandchildren.

"You're not planning on making me a godfather, are you?"

"You have a well-paying, steady job," Pippa said, blinking slowly and innocently. "Why shouldn't I?"

He glared at her, and John got back before Fury could retort. Pippa smiled sweetly at her friend, and then genuinely at her soulmate, who kissed her on the forehead. Tease. He distributed the drinks, and Pippa hooked ankles with him under the table. He smirked around his straw as he looked at her.

"Has he agreed yet?" he asked.

"Will you give me away?" Pippa said. Fury nodded. "There. He's agreed."

"You've got my permission as well," Fury said. "Treat her right, and keep SHIELD's rules in mind."

"Always will and always do," John said.

"Then we're not gonna have any problems."

John officially proposed to Pippa on her birthday, and they married a week later. They bonded that very night, reaffirming it every opportunity they could, and before they knew it Pippa had to send in an application for maternity leave. That was when John became unbearably overprotective.

"I guess I should be glad that you're not one of those guys who knocks a girl up and then leaves her," she grumbled, only five months along. "But I'll never get back into shape afterwards if you baby me all over the place."

"I'm taking care of my family," John said, kissing her neck. "There's nothing wrong with that. What kind of low-life would abandon his family, anyway?"

"Not you," Pippa said, tilting her chin up for a proper kiss. "You'll always be there for me, won't you?"

"Always," he breathed, and he covered her mouth with his. Pippa touched the back of his neck and kept him in place, lacing their fingers together where he rested a hand over her still-small baby bump. It wasn't long before he picked her up again – thank SHIELD for those muscles of his – and carried her back through to the bedroom.

"You'll be late for work," she said, even as he placed her on the bed.

"Just one more for the road," he said. "While you're still up for pregnancy sex."

"You said a kid or two," she said. Her breathing became erratic as he raised the skirt of her dress, a necessity while she was pregnant. "How many do you want?"

"Two," he said, tugging her underwear down. "Maybe three."

"Sounds…" She squeaked as he buried his face between her legs. "Good."

1990

John held two-year-old Melissa as Pippa fussed over five-year-old Bradley's backpack straps.

"I'm fine, Mom," he said, trying to push her hands away. "It'll be off soon."

"Spinal health is important—"

"Mom!"

"Sweetheart." John tugged the back of her blouse. Pippa sighed, and straightened up, before tugging Bradley's cap into place. It was a Captain America one, which Pippa had had absolutely no shame in buying. She backed up to John's side.

"You behave yourself for your teacher, and be nice to the other kids," she said. "You have to set an example for Melissa, remember?"

"Have fun," John said. "Make friends, okay?"

Bradley nodded, and then raced off to follow the other children into school. It was his first day, as nerve-wracking as any other firsts, especially when Pippa and John weren't around to keep an eye on him. He was a safe as any kid could be, and there were enough bugs in his bags and clothes and the school for them to keep track of anything untoward which may happen. But it wasn't just that. It was the general worrying parents did about their children growing up. Even though he was only five, school would go quickly. He'd make friends who would then have to be vetted, go to sleepovers, parties, camps, and all the rest of it.

"We've still got Melissa, baby bird," John said, trying to allay Pippa's fears. She sighed as she rested against him, grateful for the weight of his arm around her shoulders.

"And we'll always have each other," she said. They waved when Bradley looked back, just the once. Then he trailed the other students inside as the bell rang. "I hope he doesn't get lost on his way to class."

"That'd be a terrible start to his academic career."

Pippa poked him in the side. "Don't make fun of this. It's a big step—"

"For all of us. I know. Meanwhile, we still have this one to impart all our wisdom onto before she follows her brother." He pecked Melissa on the cheek as she looked around at all the strangers, her eyes wide at all the bright colours. Most of the people at SHIELD wore grey and black, so it was always a surprise to see others wearing green or brown or purple or yellow. Then she hid her face in John's neck. At a confirmation from a watching agent that Bradley had found his classroom and was already choosing a desk, the Garrett family returned to their car and drove to work.

A few weeks later, John was sent to Sarajevo. Pippa hated it when they had to go on separate missions, and considering the war going on out there, she… well, she left Melissa and Bradley with Nick, commandeered a `jet going out that way, and got them to drop her where the team was supposed to be. She found them, but John wasn't there.

"Then where the hell is he?" she said.

"We're waiting for confirm—"

One of the radios crackled to life, and Pippa bit her nail as John made his report. He didn't need to know that she was there, so she kept silent, hoping that he wouldn't notice her proximity thanks to their bond. Technically, she shouldn't have even been there, but she'd advanced in rank just as John did, and used her soulmate privileges shamelessly.

"I can see—" He was cut off by what sounded like a massive explosion. Pippa's heart leapt to her throat, and she tried to get closer, but another agent held her back. "I need medical assistance, now! I need extraction! Can you read me?"

"We're reviewing the situation, Agent Garrett," the CO said, looking over papers.

"No," Pippa said, shaking her head frantically. "Don't. Just send in a medical team. I'll go with them."

"Get her out of here, Sitwell!"

"Send help!" Pippa said. She tried to fight Sitwell's hold, and another agent had to help him haul her back. "Damnit, send in an extraction team! He needs help!" She felt ill, and her mark was itching. Shit. What did that mean? "It's bad. He needs help. Let me go, let me go, Sitwell!" She elbowed him, but he managed to evade it. Pity; right now she would've gotten a lot of satisfaction out of breaking one of the junior's ribs.

"We can't get anyone to you at the moment, Agent Garrett. Just hang on—"

"No! Let me go to him! What's his position?"

"Agent Coulson, you'll have to wait over here," Sitwell said. "Don't force us to restrain you, or take you into custody."

Pippa ignored the tears on her cheeks. "He's my soulmate. Please, let me help him!"

"You have two children, or have you forgotten that, Agent Coulson? Sit down and wait, or return to America and wait. We'll send help as soon as we can, but it's too dangerous at the moment to risk extraction. He has a first aid kit with him, and he's resourceful. He can handle whatever it is, if it's not too bad."

"And if it is bad?" she said, trying to get past him. Sitwell pushed her back.

"Then there's nothing we can do but get to him as soon as possible," he said. "And the only thing you can do for him that could be remotely productive is hope. Or pray, if you're feeling religious enough."

Pippa's soulmark continued to bother her, but she didn't dare look at it. She tried to find out John's position, and stalked around the tent, attempting to fathom the direction, but no one would tell her anything. When a team finally went out, she insisted on going with them, and the CO reluctantly allowed it when Fury sent his approval. Something about her going anyway, and it was safer for her to go with SHIELD agents.

It was impossible to hold back tears when she saw the terrible state John was in. Blood and… God knows what else leaking from beneath makeshift bandages held in place with… was that duct tape? It made her feel sick, and she was lucky not to lose her lunch as he stared into the distance, not even acknowledging her as she held his hand. She stayed by his side until they managed to get temporary medical assistance, and again until they reached America and he went in for an operation at a SHIELD facility. It was two days since she'd seen their children, but she showered before reuniting with them. Bradley had been coping, but Melissa hadn't slept well, and was nearly crying by the time she was back in Pippa's arms.

"Where's Dad?" Bradley asked.

"H-he's in hospital," Pippa said. "But he'll be okay. They just need to… to…"

"Put him back together," Fury said.

"That's right," she said, nodding quickly. "I'll take you to see him as soon as we're allowed to."

"Promise?"

"…Yes, Bradley. I promise."

When Pippa wasn't burying herself in paperwork to explain her unauthorised trip, she was checking her soulmark obsessively. It was high on her right breast, so it was a matter of pulling her shirt forward far enough to see above the line of her bra. Sometimes the mark was dark, sometimes it was lighter, and at least once it nearly disappeared completely. Those were obviously the times he was coding, either during an operation or in the intensive care unit.

"Please, John," she'd whisper at those times, her eyes wet. She could only breathe properly again once the soulmark was visible, and then return her attention either to her work, or to Melissa. Sometimes her… their daughter would grow distressed with Pippa, but she was mostly catching up on sleep. Pippa distracted herself with picking Bradley up, and listened as he talked about school, wishing that there was more she could tell him about his father.

John felt weak, his eyelids heavy, and he wondered whether he'd ever see his family again. He thought he'd seen Pippa in Sarajevo, obviously a hallucination.

SHIELD. The bastards didn't send in a medical team until it was nearly too late. Maybe it was too late. He felt like he was in hell, and forced his eyes open to see whether he was right. Nope; still in hospital, still hooked up to machines. He noticed an agent all in black at the door, and glared at him.

"Back in a moment, sir," the agent said, and he opened the door. He poked his head out, and then one of the younger agents, Sitwell, entered the room. The other agent left, and Sitwell approached the side of the bed.

"Your wife wants to visit," he said. "She went out to Sarajevo, you know."

"She was there?" John whispered hoarsely. Sitwell nodded as he poured a drink.

"She kept begging for SHIELD to send someone to get help for you," he said. "But it was too dangerous. She even wanted to go into the field herself and find you. Would've gotten her killed." John nearly choked on the water Sitwell fed to him gradually. "Don't worry. We didn't let her go until the medical team went in. Paced back and forth like a tiger for hours until we got the go-ahead."

John closed his mouth, and Sitwell put the water aside.

"Where's she?" he asked.

"On base, with the kids. Do you want us to send for her?"

John gave him a 'You're an idiot' look, and said, "Yes."

"I'll get someone to bring them in," Sitwell said. "You did a good job out there. No one could've done better. Alexander Pierce himself wants to talk to you."

"Tell `im SHIELD can go to hell," John rasped, leaning back into the pillows. "My insides fell like they're made of metal."

"…We'll get a doctor in to tell you more about the procedure. But Pierce is on his way."

It wasn't long before the blond under-secretary was ushered into John's room. If it wasn't for the thought of what might happen to Pippa, Bradley, and Melissa, John would've spat at the man, part of the organisation which would've left John to die.

"I'm here to personally thank you for your work," Pierce said as the door closed. As soon as they were alone, he took the seat beside John's bed. "I understand you have some grievances with SHIELD?"

"Fuckers would've left me to die in a war-zone," John said, his voice still scratchy despite the water and the ice chips. "I wouldn't have sent for extraction if I thought it was too dangerous for a team."

"You know SHIELD," Pierce said. "And its acceptable casualty rates."

"SHIELD can kiss my ass."

Pierce inclined his head. "Your feelings have been noted. Is it just SHIELD you hate?"

"What d'you mean?"

"Well, if there was another way for you to fight the good fight, so to speak," Pierce said, "would you follow that path instead? Fight for world peace from another angle?"

John narrowed his eyes. "What d'you mean?" he repeated.

"I've been working for another organisation within SHIELD. We're concerned about SHIELD's approach to situations which may affect the fate of the world."

"But you're still SHIELD."

Pierce's smile was toothier than usual. "Not exactly. We've been there since the beginning. Tell me." He leaned forward. "Do you want revenge against SHIELD? We have big plans for the future, an algorithm which has been cooking for years, eventual destruction of all subversive elements which threaten the lives of the people we care about. Your soulmate and children, for example."

"Are you…" No, he wasn't threatening John. He was trying to convince him to leave SHIELD, but not leave SHIELD. For what, though? "Who do you work for?"

"Have you heard of HYDRA?"

Of course John had heard of HYDRA. He was married to a Captain America nut, after all. How could he not have heard of the organisation with ties to Hitler?

"Yes," he said.

"So much negative propaganda," Pierce said, sighing as he leaned back in the chair. "If people knew what we were really trying to achieve…"

"Which is what?"

"Why, I've told you. Peace on a global scale. The technology is still being worked on, but we have high hopes for Tony Stark."

"He's HYDRA?"

"No," Pierce said. "But he's working for us, even though he doesn't know it."

John looked down at his hands, and noticed the bulge under the covers where his middle had been covered with a tonne of padding and bandages.

"What happened to me?" he asked.

"I don't know all the details, but there was a lot of damage. You're the first in the Deathlok program—"

"Deathlok?" Because that didn't sound ominous.

"Part of your insides had to be replaced with machinery," Pierce said bluntly. John could only stare at him. "We have technicians in HYDRA who can maintain and improve it. The program is hush-hush, so…" He made a shushing sound, a finger to his lips. "All I ask is that you join us. You have a way with people. We could use someone like you to help us with recruitment when you leave the field, if…"

"If I ever go back into the field," John surmised. Pierce nodded. "I see."

"I'm aware that your soulmate is a devoted Captain America fan." John nodded. "It's unlikely she could ever be swayed to our cause. If you join us, you'll have to keep it secret from her, from everyone. We don't have nearly enough agents yet, not for Project Insight to have a world-wide effect. You could even lose her." Pierce cocked his head, and continued. "But HYDRA will win the day, and you'll be there to protect her, and your children, from any fallout."

John was still unsure, but he was curious about what the Deathlok technology looked like, so he lifted the sheet, and then peeled some of the padding back.

His skin was split open around an ugly steel box, which was apparently keeping him alive. It was attached to exposed organs, and he felt sick as he poked, only to find that they were at least covered with some kind of plastic. But he felt the bile rising, and let go of the padding as he clapped a hand to his mouth. Pierce pushed a bowl into his lap and John threw up, wincing at the pain. Every time he pictured the blend of flesh and metal, he just wanted to be sick again. When there was nothing left for him to lose, Pierce handed him a few tissues. John cleaned himself up, dumped the tissues in the bowl, and watched Pierce set it aside.

"What if my soulmark disappears?" he said.

"Then we fake your death for long enough to be considered clinically dead, revive you, and you can go back to playing Happy Families until it's time," Pierce said, his delivery dispassionate. "You may have to be patient."

"I'm a SHIELD agent," John said. "I'd be dead by now if I didn't know how to be patient."

"Are you a SHIELD agent?"

John paused, giving it thought. He remembered the machine in his stomach, that HYDRA had put it there to save his life when SHIELD betrayed him. He'd be happy to return the favour, quite frankly.

"Hail HYDRA," he said.

There was a sickening sensation in his chest, and he parted the hospital gown enough to see his soulmark fade completely.

Pippa.

"We won't keep you long," Pierce said, and he walked to the door. He tapped rhythmically, and a nurse entered the room. "Agent Garrett needs to sleep for a little while. You know what to do."

I'm sorry, Pippa.

John Garrett, agent of SHIELD, died.

John Garrett, agent of HYDRA, arose.

Pippa had barely set foot out of the car when she felt a horrible tightness. Terrified of what it meant, she checked her soulmark.

Gone.

"No. No!"

She left Bradley and Melissa with Blake, who'd been good enough to drive them to the hospital when John asked for her, and ran through the car park. She found out where ICU was, charged up the stairs to save time, and had to be stopped by several agents. She barely noticed Alexander Pierce, or that Sitwell was talking to her. She was staring straight past him into her husband's hospital room.

"…to resuscitate him. Just be patient—"

"Please, let me past!" She struggled against the agents holding her back. "If he knows I'm here—"

"Coulson!" Sitwell snapped. "Calm down! This is a medical facility."

"But… but it's John…" Moisture obscured her vision. "I can't lose him."

"You won't. Think positive, Agent Coulson."

Seconds felt like an eternity before the doctors stopped what they were doing. Then it looked like they were congratulating each other. Pippa refused to move until someone came and told her John was alright, and then she nearly sagged to the floor. Sitwell held her up, and after Blake arrived with the children Pippa was allowed to enter the private ward. John was barely conscious, but he was alive. Even though both their soulmarks were gone, he was still alive. And even if their soulmarks never returned, he was her husband, the man she loved, the man she would die for. The father of her children.

"It'll be okay," she murmured, holding his hand as they waited for him to wake up.

Pippa couldn't understand his coldness. Insisting on separate beds while he recovered was understandable; hiding his injury from her was confusing; saying that he would leave when the children grew up was insane.

"We're married," she said, comforting Melissa, who'd been having a nightmare. "We took vows, John. And I love you. I have ever since we met, and I'll never stop. You have to know that. If we weren't soulmates I still would've loved you, even if it was just as friends."

"And if you get a new mark?" he said. There was definitely something off about him, a bitterness she acknowledged probably came from what happened in Sarajevo.

"I'll never leave you, John Garrett," she said. "You're it for me. There'll never be another while you're alive, and I doubt there'd be another after you died, if I even outlived you. No one could ever replace you. Can't you see that?"

He still wouldn't look at her. "Once Melissa's old enough, I'm out of here," he said.

"So, what, you're only staying for the children, not for me?"

"I would've left by now if you hadn't reminded me that I wasn't the kind of low-life who'd deliberately abandon my kids—"

"Family, John! Not just the children, but me! Don't you love me anymore?"

There was a long pause, and she could feel her heart breaking. "I lost something out there, and I think that was part of it." Pippa lowered her head, and held Melissa tight. "I can pretend as much as you want, for the kids' sake. But when they're old enough…"

"Don't," she said softly. "Not now. Think it over, f-for as long as you need. But don't you dare make any decisions of… of this magnitude until after you've thought everything through, you hear me?"

He nodded shortly, and then left the nursery. Pippa put Melissa back to bed, stroked her hair and sang softly until she fell asleep, and then retreated to her own bedroom, now empty of her husband's things.

1991

It was the first time John and Pippa had been on a mission together since before Sarajevo, and it had involved a kiss.

An almost-kiss, technically. Surveillance in a club had led to them dancing, pinned together on the floor thanks to all the dancers around them, as they both kept an eye on the suspects. When Pippa was knocked into John's arms, they'd been closer than they had in over ten months. The distraction was enough to draw attention to their part of the dance floor, which led to John dragging his lips over Pippa's until the attention was safely diverted. She'd wanted to press into it, but he'd shied back, the asshole.

Now she was left post-debriefing with a nervous bundle of tension inside, and she knew John felt the same way. He kept side-eyeing her, and after they left the room she made sure to head in the direction of empty offices. She knew John was close, and when he was near enough she slipped into a disused room. He was on her in seconds, plastering her against the wall and grinding his hips into hers. Pippa gasped sharply, and John growled as he undid his belt buckle.

"Keep your hands where they are," he said. She obeyed, worried that she might never get this chance again. John unzipped his pants and released himself, then raised her skirt and yanked her underpants out of the way. He thrust in without ceremony, and she was so desperate for him that she didn't care, close to the brink with one stroke, tipping over the edge after one more, and crying out as her head fell back against the office wall. John hoisted her up under her knees, ploughing in and out, and Pippa tried to take him as deeply as she could. He thrust like a machine, avoiding her kisses, but she seriously didn't care. Her husband was back inside her again, holding her close like he used to, staying inside her as he finished. She kept her legs locked around him, trying to catch her breath, and whining when he inevitably pulled out. She secured her underwear in place, resolving to get into bed as soon as possible and keep a pillow under her hips. Or maybe it wouldn't be necessary?

"Will this change things?" she asked, hopeful. John finished righting his clothes.

"…I don't know," he said.

He didn't come back to bed, to Pippa's disappointment. She hoped that might change when she gave him the good news.

"Well, we said two or three," she said, handing him the results. "Three, as it turns out."

John read over all the information, and then handed it back to her. "I see."

"So…"

"So what, Pippa? You're pregnant again. I'll be there for the kid." His sharp eyes wandered over her. "Did you do this deliberately to make me stay longer?"

"What? No! I haven't been on contraception because we haven't been having sex, John. It seemed pretty pointless. Can you blame me for getting out of the habit? Besides." She cradled her stomach. "Maybe this will fix things? Another baby? You'll be a father again. I don't need another soulmate; I've already got you."

"We're not doing this again," he said. He still hadn't regained his old spirit, not around her. "After this one is old enough… or if you get another soulmate and—"

"John!" Pippa wanted to stamp her foot in frustration. "You're my husband. You're my soulmate. You're the father of my children. And while you're making it goddamned difficult, you're the man I love. We have a new baby on the way." She followed him to the living room, where Melissa was colouring in pictures in an activity book, and Bradley was playing with toy trucks. John reclined back in his armchair.

"Things change," he said.

"I don't," Pippa said. She looked at the two children, and seeing that they were far enough away, she knelt beside John's armchair. "I didn't tell you…"

"You didn't tell me what?"

"After the… the mission where you got hurt." She swallowed. "All that stress, worrying about you during your recovery… I didn't even know I was pregnant until I lost it." He looked down at her, turning pale. "Don't you see why I needed you to be close? Don't you see why I need you now, more than ever? I can't lose this one. If it's the last child you ever give me, I… I can't lose it, John. I love you so much, and I need you."

"Pippa." He sounded anguished, but when she glanced at him again, he looked colder than ever. "I'll take care of you, baby bird. I will."

Years later

Three days after Lauren's sweet sixteenth birthday party, Pippa was sent to talk to Tony Stark about his captivity Afghanistan. Melissa visited from college for the party, but Bradley was abroad, so they had to use Skype. John was there, even though he only lived with his family part of the time now. Pippa tried not to let it show how much this was killing her. The further he pulled away, the more it hurt.

It didn't help that after Melissa left home, leaving only Lauren with their parents, Pippa received a new soulmark. It was on her other breast this time, over her heart, but she felt she was getting too old for new partners. She loved John, denied that her feelings faded a bit more each time he pulled away. He knew about her new mark. It said 'I'm Captain America'. She'd told him as soon as she received it, pointed out how ludicrous it was since Steve Rogers had been declared dead.

"I won't go to any fancy dress parties, either," she said. But he just gave her soulmark the strangest look, and then left.

Meeting Tony Stark was anticlimactic. Having a meeting about Obadiah Stane with Pepper Potts, however, was anything but dull. Iron Man announced his identity to the world – which, in hindsight, she should've seen coming – and her life became infinitely busier. Stark's breakdown, Justin Hammer being an asshole, the Hulk creating bedlam, a mythical hammer appearing in New Mexico. Juggling all that with Project TAHITI was getting to her, and resigning from it was not only a matter of principle, but also practicality. Bringing the Avengers together was more than enough to stress anyone out, even though Lauren was an absolutely angel, and John helped sometimes. He didn't know about Project TAHITI, but then he kept secrets from her, too, just like they had always done.

Then Steve Rogers was found, and she was both exhilarated and terrified, all at once. He was alive. Her biggest hero of all time was alive, and in the same city as her. She would get to work with Captain America himself!

But… but what if he was her soulmate? Apart from being the most intimidating concept ever created, she would also lose John. Her only hope was to say something which wouldn't lead to him saying those words.

"Captain Rogers, my name is Pippa Coulson. Would you come with me, please?"

"After you, Agent Coulson."

She sent a message to John, telling him that the real Captain America WASN'T her soulmate, so could he please get his head out of his ass? But it was no use. There was no reply from him, and she confronted Loki with a heavy heart, grateful that if things went wrong at least Lauren was only a matter of months off her majority.

Glaring at a blurry Nick Fury, Pippa opened her mouth.

"Garrett knows you're alive, and your children know you're alive," he said.

All she could say was, "Good."

"They know you went to Tahiti."

"It's a magical place…" She yawned, and nodded off to sleep again.

HYDRA.

Pippa was torn. She had to get her team to safety – had to find all her team, and a safe place – but she was also desperate to call her children. Bradley was thirty, and the girls were in their twenties, but that didn't make them any safer. Not as the offspring of two high-level SHIELD agents.

"I'm not leaving it to John to call them," she murmured to herself. She got to her office, opened several screens at once, and she used three of them to place a conference call to her children. They all picked up quickly.

"Now you're all on," she said, "I need to tell you this. HYDRA is in SHIELD. We've been searching for The Clairvoyant, and he – or she – must be HYDRA. In the meantime, get yourselves to safety. Keep your SIM cards, but destroy your phones, and get new numbers as soon as you can, okay? You know your pass codes."

"You're serious, aren't you?" Melissa said, staring at their mother. "This isn't a drill."

"I thought HYDRA was gone?" Bradley said.

"So did I," Pippa said grimly. "I have a lot to do, and I'll feel a hell of a lot better if I know you're safe. Your father's nearby, so don't worry about us. But send at least two messages an hour. Stagger the times. I won't get anything done if you're not…"

"Aware of the situation," Lauren concluded. Pippa nodded. "Okay, Mom. We'll get to the nearest safe-house—"

"HYDRA will know their locations. Disappear like I taught you. Go somewhere no one will think to look for you." She noticed a flashing light. "I have to go now. Promise you'll keep in contact. I'll let you know when I'm safe. I love you."

She barely gave them a chance to reply before shutting off the connection.

Pippa stared straight ahead after having her fill of pizza, which sat like lead in her stomach. She wished May was still with her. Hopefully she'd see Maria soon.

It was hard enough that Ward was HYDRA. That John was The Clairvoyant horrified her beyond belief. She'd had children with this man. She'd loved him. He was the only man she'd ever been with, her soulmate until six years ago. When she'd asked why he changed, all he'd said was 'Sarajevo', and she realised. Pissed off with SHIELD as he'd been, and dosed up on meds after the surgery, he could've done something extremely irrational like agreeing to join HYDRA.

In fact, when they finally had breathing time and Fury appointed her the new director of SHIELD, in charge of rebuilding the organisation she'd given her life to, she initially thought she's misheard.

"What?" she said. "Me?"

"Who else?" Fury said.

"But… but John…"

"Forgotten that you lost your soulmark?"

Pippa frowned at him. "He was still my husband. I had to kill him myself, which I'll have to tell our children, if they're still alive, and after telling them that he was the enemy, the man who had Skye and Blake shot, HYDRA. You really trust me—"

"Yeah, I do, Coulson. You did what you had to, putting SHIELD ahead of your personal feelings, and not for the first time. I couldn't think of a better placement."

She tried not to blush, but pride swelled up inside her, and she couldn't stop a grin from spreading over her face.

"Director," Fury said, shaking her hand. "Now go call your kids and tell them the news."

Two years later

After watching the footage for the sixth time that day, Pippa had to be dragged out of her office by her agents, who'd even flown in her children from other states to be there.

"We saw the news, Mom," Lauren said, leaning against her. Bradley was on the other side, and Melissa was cuddling her from behind. "We're so sorry."

"I knew the day would… might come," Pippa said. She hadn't cried yet; as long as she didn't, then it wasn't real. "But he survived more than six decades in the ice. I guess I'd come to think of Captain America as immortal. And… most of us have come close to death, only to get through it, or come back from it. Steve Rogers… can't be dead." She shook her head. "No. He can't be."

"Mom," Bradley said softly, but firmly. Pippa felt her heart cracking.

"It's so unfair," she whispered. "I'd mourn any of them, but he lost so much, and didn't get to live much of a life after he got a second chance. Barely reunited with B-Bucky Barnes, and taken from him again." Her fingers were tightly entwined. "The only memories I left with him were of me blushing and stammering, and being an awkward fan. I asked him to sign my trading cards. Told him I'd watched him while he was sleeping. I was relieved he wasn't my new soulmate, but… he never even knew I was alive. I kept putting off telling all of them, and he never got to know…" She bowed her head. "I have to do something. I'll… I'll tell the others. It's not fair to them." With a heavy, unsteady sigh, she stood up, her children nearly falling over. "Sorry."

"Mom?" Melissa said. "Uncle Nick once said that Captain Rogers always carried around the b-blood-soaked trading cards. He might've had them when he died. Maybe he always hoped you were alive?"

"Don't!" Pippa squeezed her fists. "It's sweet of you, but that just makes it worse."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. And… thank you for visiting. Stick around for a few days. I'll try to be better company. For now, though… I've got a few calls to make."

The very next day, they were invaded. Pippa didn't realise that telling the Avengers about her resurrection would lead to such actions so soon. But those who were available came: Pepper, Tony, Natasha, Clint, the Scarlet Witch, Vision, and the Falcon.

"Brought a couple of surprises for you," Sam said, after all the introductions had been made between the two teams, including Pippa's son and daughters.

"Your cards, for a start," said an unexpected voice. Steve Rogers stepped out of the shadows, and held out her reddened trading cards. "Sorry it took a while to get around to signing `em, even longer to get them to you."

Pippa was so shocked that May had to take the cards and tuck them into her suit pocket.

"You're… you're dead," Pippa said faintly, and she felt someone supporting her, which was probably wise.

"You're… you're dead, too," Steve replied. Pippa's eyebrows drew together when she realised that he was mocking her. "It would've been nice if you'd told us sooner. About three years sooner would've done the trick."

"I… I didn't know how to tell you," she said, and she felt Skye's hand on her arm. "I'm so sorry. I should've done it sooner. Then all I could think, when I heard you were dead, was that you never knew…" She felt dizzy, and was even more grateful for the support.

"Brought someone else to see you," Sam said, waving someone into the light. "You might recognise him."

Pippa stared at Bucky Barnes, former Winter Soldier.

"Yeah, I do," she said, and she smiled tearfully. "That's one guy I recognise. Like to know what's with the outfit, though." Because he was wearing the costume she'd designed for Steve.

"They won't know me when I've got the helmet on," Bucky said. "Still, as getting a new identity goes, it could be a lot worse." He shrugged, and smiled at Pippa. "I'm Captain America."

Oh. Oh shit. That was impossible.

"Mom," Melissa said. "Mom, you've gone pale."

"I'm sorry," Pippa said, unable to tear her gaze away from Bucky, "but you'll have to forgive me."

Then she passed out.

I've got a mean sense of humour occasionally, so I'm leaving it there. I figured that I'd get requests for Bucky and Pippa to meet like I did with 'Requires Experimentation', but I think that was longer than this chapter, so I fit it in.

Yes, Phil and Garrett knew each other in canon, but I've written crackier pairings before, so I didn't see anything wrong with doing this. Aside from everything that happened, obviously, which is terribly tragic. You know me with angst. ;)

Please review!