Chapter 15: Confessions

Ilyrana

Ilyrana strolled down the busy streets of Tor Niedrig, her hood pulled low over her face. No one had batted an eye at her earlier that morning with Imoen, and she'd seen no Wanted posters, so she had assumed it was safe enough to venture out uncloaked with her sister. Now, though, she didn't wish to be disturbed by an passersby who might be trying to hawk their wares. Nor did she wish for the handful of half siblings that she'd begun to detect to pay too close attention to her.

Normally, she would be relishing this rare opportunity to be alone, but this afternoon, her mood was dour to say the least.

She had been so excited to buy that estate, even if it had cost her most of her current stockpile of gold. Not only was it a beautiful place, and in a good location, but it was something that belonged to her. Hers. Like the cabin she'd bought in the Windspear Hills, only it didn't feel like a million miles away. A space she could call home, for a time, when the very concept of home was exotic to her.

When she and Imoen had been given the tour, all she could think about was how amazing it would be to come back to the same place after every foray, to have something familiar waiting at the end of each journey. To sleep in the same bed. Bathe in the same tub. Know which drawer held her clothes, and which held her supplies of herbs or feathers for fletching. She could lay out the shells, stones, crystals, and other such baubles she'd collected over the years, line them up on a shelf or atop a dresser. Even the thought of domestic chores like cooking, cleaning, and changing the linens sounded exciting, simply because those habits had become foreign to her, after so long on the road.

And then Sarevok happened.

Like an old lover, her rage came back to her, sweeping her off her feet as she recalled his words, spoken within her mind, her soul. Just the thought of him talking about her ascending, when he knew damn well she didn't want to in the slightest, made her blood boil. And then to bring up their vows. There were so many over the brief course of their time together as children that she knew she couldn't recall them all, but the most meaningful ones stood out.

They were a team, and nothing would change that.

No one would harm her, or he'd kill them.

Together, they would find a way to become impervious to the evils that surrounded them.

They would never part, for any reason, because there could be nothing so dire as to require that.

They would become strong, and fast, and cunning, so that no one could ever hurt them again.

Nothing would ever tear them apart.

Beautiful, foolish promises. Oaths sworn in innocence, because, even though they had witnessed and endured things that no child ever should, there was still much they were naive about. This was evidenced by the fact that they were indeed torn apart from one another, and they had been helpless to prevent it. And while they both certainly became stronger, and faster, and more cunning, their skills were used to survive in her case, and pursue power in his. Plenty of people had hurt them, also, regardless of how powerful they were.

The realization that Sarevok had interpreted those remembered vows in a very different way than she had stung. She still meant them as she had sworn them at the time; that they could forge a stronger bond that not even the gods themselves could break. He believed the only way to fulfill them was for her to become a goddess, and he her general, or high priest, or whatever. A powerful partnership, surely, but an empty one.

Godhood had never held any appeal for her. To her way of thinking, it was just a different set of chains with a different set of rules. By ascending, she would gain a whole new host of enemies, not least of which was Cyric, who had usurped her father, and all of them had been playing this chess match much longer than she had. She could understand why that outcome would draw someone like Sarevok, who obviously enjoyed warring, and mind games, and manipulating, and plotting, and every other kind of vicious game the gods played. Rana, however, wanted nothing to do with any of it. She'd rather they all forget about her and left her the Hell alone.

A tiny voice in the back of her mind tried to remind her that she had been in the process of telling him she didn't want to pursue anything further with him. So what did it matter what his intentions had been? Why had that revelation cut so deeply when she was the one drawing a line in the sand that there would be no relationship? Of any kind.

She knew the answer. He had given it to her, his words resonating with the truth she tried to deny. Lying and hiding within one's mind, within one's soul, was practically impossible.

Tell me you haven't wanted this since our talk about the memories. Tell me you haven't ALWAYS wanted this, even if you couldn't admit it to yourself.

She couldn't deny it. He knew it, and she knew it. What he couldn't seem to grasp, however, was that it indeed did not matter.

In their minds, in the fantasy they had created and shared, her attempt to put a halt to their… whatever this was, had been completely foiled. She had intended to tell him, face to face, the next time they were alone. But then she'd felt his half of their soul trying to reach out and read hers. Not once, but twice. With her companions seated around them, no less. On his second attempt, she'd copied his earlier tactic and pounced, spinning her half around his like the spider ensnares the fly.

That small victory had gone to her head. She had wanted to make him pay for his audacity. To remind him of not only what she would not surrender to him, but also who he was dealing with, since he'd obviously forgotten. Of course, Sarevok couldn't just submit and allow her to carry out her own little game, and he'd been right about her wanting him to share in the control. She had told herself she'd relinquished it to make the outcome more satisfying, when she revealed this was as intimate as they would ever be again. Maybe one day she'd attain the ability to believe the lies she tried to spoon feed herself.

In the end, though, he achieved what she had almost failed to do. Had he fought back, and wrested control of the vision away from her, then brought all that intensity and hunger to bear, she would have caved. Instead, he forcefully reminded her that there was nothing left of that little boy she tried to superimpose over the man he'd become. Had dispelled that illusion she had created to fool herself, leaving her no choice but to accept the reality that that boy only existed in the recesses of her heart now.

It was much like pulling out a splinter. That tiny shard of wood didn't belong in there, and even though removing it would be painful, it had to be done or it would fester. And the pain would become so much worse than if you'd just ripped it out the second it became lodged in there.

Turning down a side street leading toward a temple of Waukeen, Ilyrana decided it would be best to put Sarevok out of her mind and focus on her next move against the remaining members of the Five.

After she completed this necessary task.

Upon entering the temple, she stopped a moment to appreciate its interior, having always found Waukeen's places of worship far more impressive than most. Save, perhaps, Talos.

"Waukeen's blessings upon you, traveller. How may I be of assistance?"

"Greetings. Would you be the Overgold?"

"I am."

"Alright, I'd like to see if I can send a package with the next trade caravan, or perhaps a courier if one is available."

"Of course. To where will you be sending it?"

"Trademeet."

"There will be a few leaving town soon, though I fear if you will be awaiting a letter back, winter's first snows may have made the routes impassable by that time."

"I won't be requesting a reply."

"Very good, if you would give me your package, the fee is fifty gold, I will see that it's on the next caravan out of here, and that it is to be transported to Trademeet, so the couriers know where to hand it off to on their next stop."

Reaching inside her bag of holding, she withdrew a tightly wrapped bundle with an attached letter and handed them to the man, along with a small sack consisting of quite a bit more gold than was the required fee.

"Waukeen smile upon you. Your generous donation is appreciated. We will ensure your package arrives safely at it's destination."

Bowing her head in thanks, she turned and left the temple, surprised at how much her hands were shaking. She had intended to go home after, but decided she needed something to take the edge off her nerves. Even if just thinking the words "going home" made her smile a little beneath her cowl.

Heading toward what looked to be the other inn in this town, Ilyrana was somewhat thankful it had been full up when her companions had arrived here. It obviously catered to a much wealthier clientele, so that the sudden appearance of giant spiders would have been far less likely. Meaning, had they rented rooms here instead of The Last Stop, she might never have been inspired to purchase real estate.

Not even bothering to glance at the sign to see what the establishment's name is, she entered the building and began making her way to the bar. She was thankful it was still early enough in the day that it was socially unacceptable to be imbibing, because there was almost no one at the bar, which meant she had the drinks to herself and no one to pester her.

Settling back into a bar stool with a glass of Berduskan Dark, which she was rapidly becoming fond of, Ilyrana tried to clear her mind and just relax.

She should have known better.

"A little early for that, don't you think?"

Ilyrana heaved a dramatic sigh and turned her head to watch Valygar slide into the seat next to hers.

"I'm thirsty, as I'm sure you are too after following me around town."

"Who, me?"

Ilyrana took a healthy swallow of her wine and just looked at the man.

"Alright, you caught me. How'd you know?"

"I didn't. I just figured it was too big a coincidence you and I ended up at the same tavern in need of a drink when the sun isn't even at it's peak, yet."

"Fair enough."

The ranger ordered a tankard of ale and fidgeted while he waited for it. Which wasn't like him. Rana waited until he'd gotten his drink and quaffed half of it. Before she could ask him what was the matter, he spoke.

"Can I ask you what you were doing in that temple that made you want to drink this early?

"I was sending a package. To Trademeet. To Pala."

Valygar closed his eyes and bowed his head a moment. Rana drained the rest of her wine and pushed her glass forward for a refill.

"You told Pala what happened?"

"Yes. Not in great detail, but yes. I also sent her Mazzy's sword and helm that I was able to recover before we left the hot springs. Along with the rest of my current gold stash, so Mazzy's sister will want for nothing. I hate that I can't do more."

"I wish you'd told me, so I could have sent a letter with yours."

"I'm sorry," Rana replied softly. "I just didn't want the others with me while I did it. Or after."

"I should have left you alone, then."

"No, I should have brought you with me. You were her squire, after all. Besides, as I already mentioned, I'm broke now, so I need you here anyway to fund my drinking problem."

Valygar shook his head, chuckling a little. After they'd both had their glasses refilled, they did a toast to their fallen. For Mazzy. For Edwin. For Korgan.

They didn't speak again for awhile, both lost in their own thoughts. The bartender, whom they learned was named Samuel, and who was the owner and proprietor of The Sawtooth Inn in which they were currently getting drunk, kept their glasses filled and left them to themselves.

"Rana, can I ask you something?" Valygar asked sometime later.

"No."

"Please?"

"Fine. I can't promise I'll answer, though."

"Why didn't you force Sarevok to swear to a geas when you brought him back?"

There was no way she could have anticipated that to be his question. She couldn't hide her surprise, or her wariness.

"Why are you asking me that?"

"Because I need to know. Jaheira is convinced that he's either going to turn on you, and soon, or he's going to try and corrupt you so he can use you and your growing power. She's been saying things like this since she found out you'd resurrected him, but after we fled the hot springs, all she could talk about was how she'd been saying all along that he would drag you down, and that she was right because of the Protection from Evil spell."

This wasn't overly surprising to her.

After the others had departed from Suldanessellar following Irenicus's defeat, they had all agreed to meet again six months later just outside the elven city. Obviously, none of them had been prepared for Ilyrana to show up with Sarevok.

She could still remember walking to the meeting spot, keeping him in front, and well to the side of her in case he decided to take her on while they were still alone. He hadn't, of course, instead asking her to fill him in on everything that had happened since his death. She'd obliged up to a point, describing the state of turmoil Baldur's Gate had been in when they left it, and very briefly recounted Irenicus and why she was so far away from the Sword Coast.

She'd left out all details of her torture, her descent into Hell, and just about everything else she didn't want to talk about or didn't want him to know. He knew she was omitting a lot, but he'd been attempting to keep the peace so he hadn't pressed for more information. All the while she'd grumbled about how big of an idiot she was for bringing him back, and wondering how the fuck she was going to explain him to the others.

As they had approached the clearing in the woods, the voices of her companions drifting toward them, she'd moved to walk beside him, and braced for a possibly violent confrontation. He'd asked for a weapon. Obviously, the last thing she was going to do was arm him against her friends. He'd returned in his old armor, but his sword was missing, since Irenicus had had it stolen before Sarevok's ashes could even settle, and now it resided somewhere within Ilyrana's bag of holding, though she hadn't told him that.

Korgan, Valygar, Keldorn, Haer'Dalis, Anomen, and Mazzy had regarded him curiously, if a bit warily, when they saw him. As they didn't know who he was just yet. Jaheira, Imoen, and Edwin, on the other hand, stared at him for about three seconds before grabbing weapons and readying spells. Viconia had simply raised an eyebrow, evincing no stronger a reaction than that, trusting her leader to know what she was doing. Foolish drow.

It had taken a lot of shouting, swearing, and threatening just to keep blood from being drawn. And that was just from her, as Sarevok had remained strangely passive during the confrontation. She supposed, seeing as how he was unarmed, unaware of what her newer companions were capable of, and disinclined to die again only hours after his resurrection, he had thought it wise to keep a chokehold on his temper and let her handle it. Thankfully, saner minds prevailed, and Keldorn had helped defuse the situation.

Those first few weeks had been rough. She'd had to pay close attention to their formations in battle so that no one tried to take advantage of the chaos and strike out against Sarevok, or he against them. She'd been through this before, when introducing a new member to their dysfunctional little family, and one whose presence immediately rubbed someone the wrong way, so she knew it would get easier over time. At least, if she could handle the disputes before they even started.

Ilyrana gulped down her nearly full glass of wine, requested a refill, and when she got it, finally turned to Valygar.

"Because of Yoshimo."

"You didn't want to enslave him like Irenicus did to Yoshimo."

"Correct."

"Alright. Now, why did you bring him back? I know you told the others it was because Sarevok had studied the prophecy far more extensively than almost anyone else and had information to trade. Is that the only reason?"

"Did Jaheira put you up to this?"

"No. She doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore because I keep defending him. And you. I want to know if her concerns are valid. If I ruined our relationship for nothing."

Ilyrana felt as if he'd slapped her. And she probably deserved it.

"Valygar, I never asked you to-"

"I didn't mean that as harshly as it sounded. Look, I've trusted my gut so far where he's concerned and haven't been wrong yet. Now, the two of are getting involved and Jaheira is getting more paranoid about him. So, I need to know if I should keep trusting my gut, or if I should prepare my apology to her."

Ilyrana took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She briefly flirted with the idea of switching to whiskey, to make what she was about to do a little easier and possibly not even remember it in the morning.

"Alright. I guess I owe you an explanation. A full one. This is going to be hard, Val, and most of what I'm about to tell you, no one else knows, save for Sarevok. This means I'm going to be asking you to keep some very big secrets. If you think that's easier than flying blind, then I'll tell you, if not, I can give you some vague reassurances that I only half believe myself."

The fact that Valygar took a full minute to consider what she said confirmed that, if anything, she at least wasn't telling the wrong person. When he spoke next, his voice was soft, and he didn't look at her.

"Tell me."

And so she did.

Starting from the beginning, Ilyrana told Valygar everything she could remember of her time at the temple of Bhaal. Of how Sarevok befriended her with a blanket. The constant struggle for food. Her mother's insanity. How viciously Sarevok fought to keep Ilyrana away from High Priest Jorval. How none of the other children formed attachments like they had. The Harper raid. Her mother's death. Gorion wiping all those memories and leaving Sarevok for dead.

Valygar stayed silent throughout, somehow knowing that her story was being told just as much for herself as for him, even if she didn't immediately realize it. The longer she talked, the more details she could remember. With each unburdened sentence, the wounds began to close a little more, bleeding a little less. The infection clearing away.

She told him about Gorion's death. About the search for clues as to who killed him and why they were after her. About the letter her foster father left her that told her she was a child of Bhaal. About her final battle with Sarevok, and how her victory was not because of fate, or luck, or skill, but because remembering her had made him hesitate. She told him why she took so long to heal from that battle. About the sorrow.

Even though she was confessing everything, Ilyrana didn't tell him about the extent of what Irenicus had done to her. She didn't see any good coming from burdening him with that information.

When she got to the part about her and Sarevok's conversation late that night at the inn, where they had finally learned the truth of when their memories had returned, did Valygar interrupt her.

"That's what I walked in on! Nine Hells, Rana, I knew it had to be something big because you looked like you'd been crying and he actually looked shaken."

"I'm kind of glad you did. I needed the emotional break, and an incoming mercenary army was the perfect excuse to take it."

"Gods, this explains so much. I understood why the two of you would be hostile to one another, going off just what I knew of already, but it always seemed to be way more personal than it appeared on the surface. If you two hated each other so deeply, why didn't you just avoid one another? Ya know? Now it makes sense."

"So, now you know. Except that, I'm not entirely sure it matters much anymore. I more or less told him that this can't go any further."

"Why?! I'm not romantically inclined, but even I can see you're both...well…'soul mates'."

Ilyrana's elbow didn't even have time to tingle before it was rammed into his ribs.

"Ouch! Okay, sorry, I couldn't help it. But, seriously, after everything you just told me, about how close you were as children and all of that, don't you want to try and see if you can make it work? I mean, don't you think that if you hadn't been separated that this would have been inevitable?"

"It doesn't matter. I found out this morning at the table that he wants me to ascend and 'claim my birthright'. That he's been pretty much trying to seduce me so he can talk me into becoming a goddess if I get the chance, and then bestowing my favor upon him. As if exchanging orgasms for that kind of power is any kind of fair."

Valygar choked on his ale, coughing hard enough that she thumped him on the back a few times to make sure he'd live.

"I guess it would depend on the… uh… number of orgasms and how good they are…"

He had the presence of mind to lean away this time, avoiding the ensuing elbow jab.

"Are you trying to say I should just be okay with that?" She demanded. "I mean, do you have any idea how irritating it is to be wanted, in spite of who you are? That everything that makes me me is only secondary, at best, to what can be obtained through me? Yoshimo wanted to get what he could before my soul was ripped out and he wouldn't be of use to his master anymore. Anomen probably can't even tell you how I take my morning coffee, even though he's been travelling with me for years, but I bet he can tell you which of my shirts best displays my cleavage. And then Sarevok only cares about my power. I mean, is it too much to ask to want me because I'm occasionally funny, or because I have a nice smile, or I'm intelligent and educated or… okay, that's all of my appealing attributes, but do you see where I'm going with this?!"

"Yes. I do. I'm sorry, that's gotta be frustrating. You're right, you deserve way better than that."

"Thank you. I've started to wonder if I'm high maintenance. That expecting someone to actually like me is too high a bar to set for a relationship."

"No, it's not unreasonable to expect that at all. One question, though. You said you learned all this at the table this morning? Did I miss this conversation? Cause I was sitting right next to him and the two of you barely spoke to one another."

Ilyrana hadn't exactly meant to divulge that particular little detail. Downing her wine, she ordered more, even though she probably shouldn't, as she'd had way too much already. But if she couldn't stop her mouth from telling Valygar nearly everything, then she was going to keep drinking to at least blunt the embarrassment.

"Well, speaking of soul mates, he and I can do some… things with the halves of my soul."

"Oh, this should be good. I don't think I've ever seen you blush before," Valygar replied, hunching over and crossing his arms over his stomach in preparation for any elbow strikes.

As she explained, in as very little detail as possible, the way they could project images, scenes, and words into each other's minds, she stared at the ceiling and pretended she couldn't see the ranger's widening grin as he heard what she wasn't telling him.

"So, let me get this straight. The two of you can show each other what you want to do to the other," Valygar said in something close to awe, while Ilyrana admired the pattern in the woodgrain above their heads. "I mean, wouldn't you think that would make the sex way more intense? If you could pick up on what the other is feeling or whatever?"

"Valygar!"

"I'm sorry, I don't usually drink this much, and this is fascinating information."

"Yeah, well, like I said, it doesn't matter anyway."

"I guess so. Man, Sarevok can be a little dense. Why care about power when you can do that."

"I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that. Wait, even if he wasn't power hungry it still wouldn't matter, remember? I said I was done."

"Oh, right. Well, you both can be a little dense, then. Ow!"

Ilyrana hoped Valygar was done with the teasing or her elbow would be sore in the morning.

"Can I ask you something now?" Ilyrana inquired after a while.

"You know you can ask me anything."

"How come you and I never got together?"

It was a bold question. One she would have never even contemplated if she were sober. Or if she wasn't feeling self-conscious because of her crappy track record with men.

It was obvious that question blind-sided Valygar, because he gave her a stunned look, before gazing away in thought.

"Several reasons, I think," he said after a moment. "When I joined up with you, you seemed… well, unattainable. And not just because there was obviously something there with Yoshimo. You're the daughter of a god, and while that doesn't frighten me, it does put you in a league of your own. As time went on, and especially after you helped me kill Lavok, I came to value your friendship too much to risk jeopardizing it in any way. And… well, as you know, my bloodline is cursed. I plan on having it die with me. I won't father any children. You deserve choices, and I can't give you that."

Valygar's total honesty left her floored. He hadn't looked at her while he spoke, just studied his tankard, and even after he finished he kept his gaze averted.

Her heart ached a little. While she understood his reasons, and was pleased he cared about their friendship as much as she did, his last reason stung. She could have told him that it didn't matter, but she didn't want him to think she was insisting on anything.

Him not wanting to father children was moot.

Because she was barren.

Ilyrana, Minsc, Jaheira, and Yoshimo had entered the Government District of Athkatla just days after escaping Irenicus. She had been rabid to obtain any information on the Cowled Wizards, anything that could help her find Imoen. As they'd approached the Council of Six building, shouts could be heard from nearby, growing in number and hysteria.

When they went to investigate, they were shocked to find Viconia tied to a stake, about to be burned alive by a rabble of terrified locals. Without thinking, she'd lunged toward the other woman, scrambled up the makeshift pyre, and cut her loose.

Some of the townsfolk lost their courage once the drow was no longer bound, while others attacked, furious that their prejudice couldn't be slaked. Ilyrana and the others had made short work of them.

Viconia was thankful to be rescued yet again by Rana, and had asked to come along. While the sight of a familiar face in the foreign city had been a welcome one, and the addition of a skilled cleric was most helpful, Rana had had another reason to accept the woman back into her party.

She wanted to know if she was pregnant.

If that bastard, Irenicus, had gotten her with child.

She could have gone to any number of temples and gotten looked at by the priests and priestesses there, but she wanted the comfort of someone she knew. Someone who would keep secret what Rana would reveal to them. Someone who wouldn't judge her for any choices she may have had to make.

After examining her, Viconia had been uncharacteristically gentle as she explained to Rana that, thankfully, the rapes hadn't resulted in a child. Unfortunately, however, the vivisections had made it impossible for her to ever conceive. Troll's blood couldn't always regenerate things back to the condition they were in before.

Rana would never be able to have children.

She'd never once thought about being a mother before that. She was still so very young herself, and had far too many problems to even entertain the thought of bringing a child into the world. But knowing that door was permanently closed to her, before she'd even had the time to appreciate its existence, had been devastating.

"Besides," Valygar added, finally looking at her with a small smile. "If I tried to pursue you now, Sarevok would gut me."

"I highly doubt he'd care enough to bother."

"I wouldn't be so sure. We talked a bit this morning, and while it was before you told him you didn't want to be with him, he sounded pretty territorial. Especially in regards to Anomen."

"Anomen? Seriously?"

"Well, the knight has made no secret of his intentions. And his attempts to flex his pseudo-heroism muscle in your direction at any given opportunity-"

Ilyrana burst out laughing.

"His what?"

"You know what I'm talking about. Anomen is the very definition of 'puppy love'. Though Sarevok seems to think it's more sinister than that. I'm still on the fence about the seriousness of his obsession."

"Wait. Slow down. Sarevok thinks Anomen's a danger to me?"

"Yes. At first, I thought he was just making up reasons to want the man dead, but if I'm being honest, Anomen supplies more than enough reasons for that every time he opens his mouth. Anyway, the knight does give me a bad feeling whenever he looks at you, but I'm not wholly convinced yet that it's dangerous rather than just creepy."

Ilyrana went quiet and fiddled with the stem of her wine glass.

"It's partly my fault. Anomen's behavior."

"The Hell it is," Valygar practically snarled. "Don't you dare blame yourself for him. You've been more than clear that you aren't interested in him, if he can't get it through his bloated head, then that's his problem."

"No. You don't understand," Ilyrana sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. "You ready for another secret?"

"Please don't tell me you got drunk and slept with him."

"No, it isn't anywhere close to that simple."

Valygar raised an eyebrow at that. Ordering them another round, he gave her his word he'd keep this next secret, too.

"Okay. Do you remember when Keldorn found out about Maria's affair with another man?"

"Of course. I felt terrible for him."

"Me too. Which is why I gave him, and the rest of you, a week off. To see to any family or personal business that you may have been neglecting in order to help me."

"I remember. I had gone back to my cabin in Windspear for awhile."

"Right. Well, about a day after everyone had left, I got an urgent message from Anomen's sister, Moira. Apparently, Anomen had decided to visit her during his time off, and when he got home, he discovered that their father, Cor, had started beating her during his drunken rages."

"Oh gods. I knew there was a reason I hated that man. When we had stopped by his estate that time to investigate that supposed break in, I knew there was something off about him, and not just that he was an alcoholic asshole."

Cor Delryn, Anomen's father, had requested Anomen come look into the matter of someone breaking into their estate and robbing him of what remained of his fortune. He had accused his former business rival, Saerk Farrahd, but the whole thing was very suspicious. Eventually, they discovered that Cor had squandered his money gambling and drinking. Anomen, with disgust, had given him what gold he had earned during his time with Ilyrana, in order to keep their home and put food on the table. Gold that had probably been pissed away immediately after they left.

"Well, upon seeing the bruises on Moira's face, Anomen flew into a rage and attacked his father. And killed him."

"What?!"

"When he saw what he'd done, he broke down. There was no way the Order would let him join their ranks as a knight when they found out he'd murdered his own father out of vengeance. He thought his dreams were over. Moira was terrified he would do something stupid, so she sent me a message, begging for help. When I got there, and found out everything that happened… I knew he was right about what the Order would say. That they would tell him he should have turned his father in. Have him face justice. That it was murder and against the law. Well, the law and I don't always see eye to eye."

"Shit, Rana, what did you do?"

"I had Anomen help me drag his father's body to a nearby alley. I then took what very little gold he had in his pockets, and every piece of jewelry on his body. Then I cut his throat. The next morning, the guards found him, and because of the guild war going on between the Shadow Thieves and Bodhi, they decided that Cor was probably mugged and killed. Case closed."

Valygar looked at her in horror. She ignored it. He hadn't seen how disfigured Moira had been. The black and yellow bruises. One eye swollen completely shut. Ilyrana knew all too well what that felt like. The helplessness. She couldn't blame Anomen one bit for killing that bastard, by accident or not. And to this day she did not regret covering up his death.

"It says a lot that neither Anomen nor Moira miss the man. The situation, and it's implications, are what scared and sickened them, but not the loss. A few months later, when the Order summoned Anomen to the Hall to undergo his trials to determine if he could become a knight, I reassured him everything was going to be okay. He deserved this. His father wouldn't ruin yet another thing in his life. I had seen to it."

"Anomen passed the test. He's a Knight of the Radiant Heart," Valygar all but whispered.

"Yes," Ilyrana replied, pinning him with a look that was fierce, defiant, and triumphant all at once. "I know he's pompous. And annoying. And full of himself. And a Glory Hound. But his sister is alive and his dream got to come true. Don't you dare ask me to apologize or feel guilty for that."

"'His sister is alive and his dream got to come true.' Rana, sweetheart, did it ever even occur to you that you might have been projecting yourself and Imoen, as well as your situation, onto Anomen and Moira?"

Ilyrana stared at Valygar. The hand wrapped around her wineglass shook.

"Maybe," she eventually whispered. "But I don't care. What's done is done. I lose no sleep at night over men like Cor Delryn."

Valygar rubbed a hand over his face, then gulped down another round of ale.

"You and I once talked extensively about my conflicted feelings over my uncle, Lavok. You helped me in so many ways that I feel like I can never truly repay you. I can't say I agree with what you did, that it was in any way right, but the fact that you did it actually doesn't surprise me. You'd do anything for us. All of us."

"Of course I would. You're the only real family I have."

The ranger leaned over and kissed her on the top of her head.

"None of this explains how you're at fault for Anomen being creepy, though."

"After the trial, Anomen was so relieved he'd passed, that he temporarily forgot about everything with his father. He thanked me for my help and my support. Then he confessed his love. I had to stop him there. He didn't understand, as you do, that travelling with me, and helping me, means there's little I won't do to return the favor. He confused my sympathy and willingness to break the law with affection. I turned him down as gently as I could. He didn't like it, but he accepted it. I think watching Yoshimo and I become involved not long after that struck a nerve. After we found out about Yoshi's betrayal, he approached me again, and I turned him down again."

"And he still hasn't given up," Valygar finished. "Well, this certainly explains a lot. I'm also more inclined now to think Sarevok may be right."

"What? Why?"

"Rana, Anomen thinks you hung the moon, and created the stars, and puppies, and everything good and pretty in this world. He also thinks you're another poor soul he can ride in and save. Except that you're not. And he can't save you, only you can do that. And you're not going to shower him with the praise and attention he craves. He's going to realize that one day. And he's going to remember that you broke the very laws he vowed to uphold in order to allow him to make those vows."

"From where I'm standing, Anomen realizing his self-delusions is all to the good."

"Maybe. Maybe not. I'm glad you told me all of this, Rana. Not just about Anomen, but everything with Sarevok, too."

"Me too. It… it feels good, kind of, to get it all off my chest. Thank you for listening."

"Anytime. Now, after telling me all of this, I have to ask, and I want an honest answer. If Sarevok let's go of his obsession with power, if that's even a thing that's possible, and wants you for you, what are you gonna do?"

"Valygar, even before I found out about that I had already made up my mind-"

"No. Stop worrying about what Imoen will think, or Jaheira, or Anomen, or anyone else. Stop telling yourself not to want what they wouldn't want you to want. What do you want?"

Ilyrana closed her eyes and sighed. She knew the answer. Had known it since the sparring match. No, before that. Long before that.

"I want to know," she whispered. "I want to know what we would have been if Gorion hadn't taken me away and made me forget him. I want to know if it's even possible to have anything close to what we had as children. I want to know why we can't stay out of each other's lives."

"Then, if Sarevok manages to pull his head out of his ass, I think you should try and find out. For closure, if nothing else."

Ilyrana opened her mouth to reply but he continued.

"I don't like fighting with Jaheira about this, but I will continue to do it while I feel she's wrong. I'm also going to keep a closer eye on Anomen, and you can't stop me so don't even try. With all of that said, I want you to promise me something."

Ilyrana narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

"Promise you what?"

"Don't settle for less than you deserve. If Sarevok can't give up his lust for power, then please just let him go. And if he can, don't let anyone tell you it's wrong to try and find happiness with him. Like I said earlier, you're the daughter of a god, that puts you in a totally different league from the rest of us. Except for him. Maybe he's the only one who can understand what it is you go through on a daily basis. With the taint. Promise me you won't settle for anything other than what you want and what you think is best for you."

"I promise," she whispered.

"Good. Now, don't be alarmed, but it's almost night outside and I have to piss like you wouldn't believe."

"Oh my fuck! I'm surprised no one's sent out search parties yet," Ilyrana yelped and slid off the bar stool… and almost kept sliding all the way to the floor.

Valygar caught her then leaned heavily against the bar so as not to dump them both onto the ground.

"Okay, we got this. How far to home?"

"Um. Like a mile."

"Okay, we might not got this. Crap. Well, let me pay the tab and go to the men's room and we'll take this one step at a time."

Ilyrana whimpered, but bravely grabbed onto the bar to steady herself.

"Gods, how much did we drink?!"

"That'll be one hundred and sixteen gold," Samuel answered.

"One hundred and sixteen gold's worth," Valygar whispered in disbelief as he slapped a bag of coins onto the bar.

Ilyrana was thankful it appeared to be a slow night at the bar, as there were only a few patrons present to watch her and Valygar's drunken stumble of shame out of the place.

About two hours later, Rana and Valygar stood on the slightly overgrown lawn in front of the estate. Leaning against one another and breathing heavily after their harrowing journey, both of them sporting a few scrapes and bruises when they tripped over each other and fell during their walk here, they looked around at the giant oak trees that surrounded the gray stone exterior of the place they would be living at for the foreseeable future. It looked ominous in the dark. She felt at home already.

The double doors were locked. Propping herself against the rich dark wood, and trying not to get distracted by the way the starlight glinted off the elaborate polished iron brackets, she began fumbling in her bag for the key.

Ten minutes later, Valygar suggested they try knocking instead.

After two knocks, the doors swung open so suddenly that both rangers toppled onto whichever poor soul had been standing there.

"Hey, we're home!" Ilyrana warbled cheerfully as she swatted Haer'Dalis's hair out of her mouth.

"Sorry, HD. Didn't expect the door to open that fast."

"Not to worry. I don't need my tailbone," the bard grumbled crankily as he tried to extricate himself from the pile of limbs.

"Rana?! Oh my gods, where have you been? And why are you on the floor?"

Imoen came running to them and began trying to help pull her sister up.

"Heya, sis. We may have stopped to have a drink or two," Ilyrana couldn't continue because she started to laugh at her own joke.

"Yeah. A drink or two. I totally believe that."

"Rana drank me out of a hundred and sixteen gold."

"You liar! You drank some of that, too!"

"How did the two of you manage to drink that much?!"

"With our mouths."

"Your intelligence is staggering at times, bufflehead. Okay, up you go, let's get you to bed before you try and fall asleep on my tiefling."

"But he's so warm! Wait… your tiefling?"

"Called it!" Valygar shouted triumphantly before snuggling into the tiefling in question's leg.

"Unhand me!"

"Yeah, he belongs to Immy now, Val. Leggo of him."

"What is all this racket?" Jaheira demanded as she appeared out of nowhere.

Ilyrana hiccuped in reply.

"WE FOUND YOU!" Valygar bellowed at the druid.

"By Silvanus, how much have they had?"

"One hundred and sixteen gold's worth of alcohol," Imoen sniggered as she wrapped an arm around Ilyrana's torso and began shuffling her to the stairs that led to the second story.

"Viconia has been out looking for you, I'll go bring her back," Jaheira said, shaking her head in disapproval.

"You've had us all worried," Keldorn intoned from somewhere out of Ilyrana's line of sight.

"Is Keldorn here somewhere, or am I hallucinating?" Ilyrana whispered loudly at her sister.

"I'll help the bard with Valygar, he's a lot bigger than Rana is and he's listing quite a bit more," the paladin said with a sigh that didn't quite hide his amusement.

"Okay, I got Rana, she doesn't weigh much anyway," Imoen replied and together they began working their way to the stairs.

"If I puke on you, I'm sorry and I love you."

"Don't you dare!"

"Okay."

They stopped at the foot of the stairs, both of them wincing at the sound of a loud crash behind them followed by what sounded suspiciously like Valygar giggling. Ilyrana craned her neck back as she tried to imagine walking up what looked like a mountain of dark wood steps. She nearly fell back onto her bottom.

"Okay, sis, one step at a time."

Ilyrana sighed.

"S'what Valygar said, too."

Two false starts and three steps up, Imoen leaned against the railing, panting, while Rana tried to curl up at her feet.

"Stay here, I'm gonna go find reinforcements."

"Okay. Nighty night. Bed bugs and all that."

"No, don't fall asleep! Just wait a minute!" Imoen huffed in exasperation before disappearing.

After what felt like only a few seconds, Ilyrana was effortlessly lifted off the stairs and into muscled arms. Snuggling into a warm chest, she regained some consciousness at the sound of an unfamiliar chuckle.

"Whasofunny?"

"You. This is pathetic," Sarevok replied, still laughing.

"You're pathetic," she shot back, before nuzzling his neck. "You smell good. Asshole."

She felt him tense and briefly hesitate on his way up the stairs when her lips brushed his skin.

"You're making this harder than it needs to be, little one," he hissed at her.

If she were sober, she would have heard the undercurrent in his voice, telling her he was talking about them. But she wasn't sober.

"What am I making hard?" She asked suggestively.

Sarevok sighed.

Pushing open the door to her bedroom with his shoulder, he carried her to her bed and dropped her unceremoniously onto it. She yelped when she almost bounced onto the floor, then immediately began trying to curl up and drift off to sleep. She thought she heard him sigh again. Hands pulled at her boots until they fell to the ground.

Shifting her over, Sarevok sat down on the bed and pulled the sheets back; and once she wiggled into a comfortable enough position, drew them over her.

"Why can't you be like this all the time?" She asked drowsily, eyes closed.

"Then you wouldn't appreciate it as much as you do when I'm rarely like this."

"That's the lamest thing I've heard in awhile."

"Go to sleep, Rana."

She felt his weight leave her bed and she couldn't stop herself from reaching for him. She wanted that warmth back.

He froze when her hand touched his arm.

"You remember, when we were little, you used to rock me to sleep? I miss that. I miss you," Rana whispered, referring to Sarevok the boy, not Sarevok the man.

He didn't answer her. Instead, she felt her hair being brushed away from her face and tucked behind her pointed ear. Felt his thumb brush across her cheekbone. In her half-asleep state, she was unable to resist from leaning into his touch. She thought she heard what sounded like a growl of frustration.

As she drifted off into deep sleep, the last thing she remembered was his lips brushing her cheek.