An analysis from afar

by Whavey

We had it all, we thought... It was shortly after my promotion when my feelings popped up. It was her that made me feel reborn, warm, safe and most of all, alive. In a period where homophobia was a thing, I wanted her more than I wanted anything. But was the team going to suffer too? (repost from my Wattpad story An Analysis From Afar, account name also Whavey)

8. Chapter 6

Lizzy

We walked on stage for our H2k game and I was super nervous. I knew a lot depended on me at this moment, and it was hard to carry all this pressure. Ezra gave me a quick hug and we sat down, plugging in our mouse and keyboard and thinking. "So since we have no coach today, I just want to say this really quickly, we will play the comp we want to play. If we don't get the CC comp, let's move on to our favourite, the tanky comp." I say and Joe looks at me. "And what about aggression?" He asks and I look at him. "Rather not. H2k will expect that, at least in game 1 they want us to play like that. I prefer to see something for top picked first." I say and Joe sighs. "Lizzy don't mess this up." He says and I look at him. "What?" I say flaming with anger and Erik sighs. "Hello 0-4 this week." And I look at him. "I was trying to be motivational, but I guess since neither of you four watched ANY games of H2k this split." I hiss and Ezra looks at me. "Erik is right, this is not going to work." He says and I sigh. "Then take over and don't expect me to catch you when it goes down." I say and Joe takes over. "Take the aggressive comp." He says and Aidan hums. "So Kog'maw Tahm?" Erik asks and Ezra agrees. "Yes. Great idea! I really want to play Ryze this game, is that okay?" He asks and I am silent, while they discuss everything. "Lizzie goes Elise. She can pin down the targets while we get Aidan fed." Joe says and all the heads turn to me. "I guess that is because I trained a little too hard trying to play her?" I hiss and he looks at me. "Shut up guys." Erik says and I sigh. "I will do whatever the living fudge you command." I say and he sighs. As we finally hit pick and ban phase, everyone but Ezra was tilting. We banned away Jhin, Shen and Olaf, H2k banned away Thresh, Kalista and Shyvana. As Joe locks in his Darius, Erik and Aidan are discussing. "Pick me Tahm Lizzie, Ezra can pick his Ryze." Erik says and I simple do that after H2k locked in Gragas and Karma. With Ryze and Tahm locked in, we opened a bit of the strategy we were going to play so Lucian is locked in with Mao'kai. I sigh as I see Erik locking in Elise and Aidan Kog'maw. H2k ends with a Braum pick and I sigh. "Good luck." I mutter as we enter the rift.

It starts horrible as a lane swap goes wrong. Erik and Aidan didn't ward so when their complete team dived them, giving Freeze a double, and creating instant flame on me. "You should've been there." Erik screams in the mic and I bow my head, farming and fighting back tears. "Hold on until late game." I manage to get out and then Joe starts flaming. "Maybe you should stop saying that. You always say that and then we lose." He hisses and I bite my lip. "Sorry." I murmur and go farming, ganking Ezra and building up for Dragon. Around 25th minute, a teamfight opens and I go all in. I pick up a double before retreating with less than 50 hp. Joe and Erik die and Joe glares at me, holding back his comment as he buys his items. We lose 5 minutes later after they caught Joe and Ezra out and I tried to help them. As Erik and Aidan follow and die with me, and we are aced, game 1 has ended. We go backstage and I sit down on the chair. "What was that Lizzie? We need to win, not you to throw?" Joe starts and I stand up, looking him straight in the eye and Sigh. "What is your problem with me? Shoot it. If you want me replaced, I can call our sub in England so he can play next week for us." I say and Joe looks at me. "You think I want that? Lizzie I want you to stop and acting like you are the queen. I know you are our boss, but please shut up and listen to us. You never do that." He says and Ezra intervenes. "She does listen to us Joe, this is not the time to fight. We have to play and win." He says and I look at him. "He is right." I say as the rioter gets back to get us to the stage again. I walk on stage and straight to my headset, but I do hear Pulse saying: "FeedMe looks like she is feeling terrible. Is she maybe still sick?" He asks and Deficio reacting: "I think she and her team aren't communicating on the level they are supposed to." And after that all the noise goes away as I put on my headset. Joe and Erik are discussing tactics and Aidan and Ezra are suggesting champs. "I think we need Lizzie's opinion." Aidan suddenly says and I look at him. "Why would you?" I ask and he smiles. "Lizzie, even though we didn't agree first game, you were right on what they expected us to go." He says and I look at him. "I don't know what they want to play now. They expect us to do whatever we do best as soon as one is tilting, and that is throwing. And since both me, Joe and Erik are tilting, they expect us to don't think what we are picking and go with our soloqueue picks." I say and Aidan lowers his gaze from me. "You are right." He says and I roll my eyes. "No shit Sherlock." I say and Ezra smiles. "Let's play this crazy comp." Ezra says as Joe bans away Elise. H2k reacts with banning away Karma. "Get Lucian away." I say and Joe bans that, to be reacted by a Kog'maw ban. "I think we need to ban Malzahar." Erik chimes in and I nod. Joe bans Malzahar and H2k reacts with banning Nidalee. "Plan?" Joe ask and I smile. "Play a tank. Ezra, want to pop out your Akali?" I ask and he nods. "I will pull out my little invisible girl." I say and Joe laughs. "Sorry to break this to you Lizzie, but you suck at Evelynn." He says and I nod. "Guess I suck at this game." I say and think about it. "Well then Sej. The only one I think that might work." I say and Joe shakes his head. "Go Zac." He says and I look at him. "What?" I say, highly insulted. "You know I can't play Zac." I hiss and he laughs. "Then go feeding with Eve." He says and I bite my lip. As H2k locks in Gragas, we still are arguing on what to pick. I don't hover anything but wait until Joe locks in Shen and I instalock Evelynn. "Liz." Joe hisses and I ignore him, as H2k picks Sivir and Karma. I look at the screen as Jinx and Nautilus are locked in for us and I just stare blankly at the crowd as H2k locks in Ahri and Poppy. Erik locks in Akali and we get ready to play. Our communication is non-existent. It feels like soloqueue, no one talk. Sometimes it is "Gank bot" or "Dragon is warded" but that is where our communication stops. H2k is up 12-6 with kills and got 6 of our turrets, all tier 1 and 2 turrets, while we only have a botlane turret. And let's not talk about how they are up in Dragons. I suddenly find myself surrounded by 3 and manage to ult and escape with my W. Joe starts to tilt and I sigh. I am the one who died the least, I have 1 kill and 5 assists and still Joe managed to flame me. A 1/1/5 Evelynn is getting a pain in the ass, but a 0/3/0 Shen is just to laugh about. "Botlane is dived by 4 people." Erik says and I run down and manage to peel away Aidan and manage to kill VandeR and Erik manages to drag down Jankos before I have to retreat and Erik dies. Joe is silent but I know what will happen after the game. H2k manages to kill Ezra an Joe too and I have to retreat, seeing our inhibitor turret and inhibitor drop and a nexus turret. Aidan and I run back in and manage to take down Ryu before we need to retreat ourselves. In the meanwhile we have to let Dragon go uncontested to Jankos and Freeze and despite our tries, we are too underpowered to come back into the game. One last push from H2k and it is game over. We rise, shake their hands and take our keyboards and mouse and mousepads backstage. I give my keyboard and mouse to the guy who needs to keep them, walk to our room and grab my stuff. Joe enters. "What was that? You absolutely sucked and you fed your ass off. I honestly don't get why everyone is hyped about you. You are as good as Roccat is at this moment and they are last." He says and my eyes are filled with tears. "So that is how you think about me. Fine. I will call our sub to Berlin. I won't play next week. If possible I will sub him in tomorrow." I say and leave with my stuff. Once home I grab my jogging clothes and put them on, together with my running shoes and make my way out with my phone and headset. I put on my running list and put it on maximum volume, turning my phone into plane mode and start running.

Hours later I return and ignore the fact that all the lights were on. "Thank god." I hear someone say as I walk in. On the couch is the team, in the middle of them all Joe. "I don't care whatever you say." I say, walking to my room and locking the door. I call our sub and he can get out the next plane, landing at 10am the next morning. I take my laptop and mail Riot the change before looking at my messages. Plenty from the team, one from Martin and one from Seika. I decide to look tomorrow and lay in bed, trying to get some sleep.

The next morning I am out of bed at 3am. I came home around 11pm, and I didn't sleep. I dress and unlock my door, making my way to the kitchen. On the couch lays Oliver. I grab a blanket from our laundry cabinet and lay it over him before getting myself an apple and eating it, looking outside. "Lizzie?" I suddenly hear and I turn around. Oliver sits up sleepily. "Go to sleep Oliver, it is 3.30am." I say and he shrugs. "I don't care. I heard that you were calling in the sub." He says and I nod. "He lands at 10am today. I will pick him up." I say and Oliver looks at me. "How long will he be playing?" He asks and I shrug. "Preferably until the end of play-offs. After that I hope to have found a replacement for me so I can take back over the CEO position of Darkness My Friend Gaming LLC." I say and Oliver looks at me. "Don't. Joe felt pretty guilty." He says and I look at him. "I guess. The thing is he is right. I never listen, I suck at jungling and I also think the hype shouldn't have been all around me. Not that it is going to last long." I say and he looks at me. "What is it?" He asks and I shrug. "Don't want to become a greater burden Oliver, just enjoy me being here." I say and he looks at me. "What is it that I don't know?" He asks and I sigh, looking at him. "I swear, if you tell anyone but Erik, I will murder you." I say and he nods. "Erik found out by accident, and I don't want anyone else to know this, but Oliver, I am lesbian." I say and look down scared of his reaction…