CHAPTER FIVE: In Our Bedroom (After the War)
When Allura woke up in the morning, she was smiling, Shiro noted. A heavy blush lined his cheeks when he remembered what had slipped out the night before—thank God he had reacted in a timely fashion. Thank God he hadn't done something stupid. My paladin. He wasn't sure how she had meant it, nor did he intend on figuring out anytime soon, but still... He liked the idea of being hers.
He already was, anyway, even if she didn't know it.
Shiro eased himself out of bed so as not to wake her, and hopefully she wouldn't be as alarmed as she had been the previous morning. Surely, from here on out, their charade and days here on this planet would get easier rather than the other way around. If the universe decided to count him lucky, for once.
He would never know what he had done for the universe to decide he was lucky enough to meet Allura in the first place.
He pulled on fresh clothes for the day in the bathroom, but even by the time he came back to their bed, she was still fast asleep, her silvery hair fanning out across their pillows like a cloud. All the dancing and talking of the last few days must have really worn her out. Still, she was beautiful when she was asleep; she was always beautiful.
Her eyes fluttered open, and Shiro hastily diverted his gaze, dread coiling in his stomach at the thought of being caught not only staring, but while she was sleeping. Oh God, he was such a creep—
"Did you sleep well?" she murmured drowsily, propping herself up on her elbows in a sort of sitting position.
"Yes, actually," he replied, the realization taking him by surprise as he sat down on the edge of the bed. It was probably the most peaceful sleep he'd had in a very long time. "You?"
"Quite well." She sat up, running a hand through the hair that framed her face, her cheery expression faltering. "Quiznak. I forgot to brush my hair last night." Catching his bewildered expression before he smoothed it over, she elaborated, "I brush my hair every night before I go to sleep, or I'll wake up with a mess of tangles."
For someone with so much hair, Shiro supposed that made sense. "Would you, um—is there anything I can do to help, princess?"
Pink bloomed across her cheeks, her eye markings glowing for a moment before she bowed her head slightly, her hair falling over her cheeks like a curtain. "Yes, actually, if you wouldn't mind?"
He straightened up, trying to pretend for a moment that it was a mission, or a regular favour they did for each other every once in a while back at the castle: getting the space equivalent of coffee for each other on late nights, an intently listening ear, anything, really.
"Anything you need, princess."
"I left a brush on the dresser, could you—would you by any chance be willing to, um, brush my hair for me? It's harder to reach behind and get the tangles out that way, you see, but if not, that's quite alright—"
Shiro turned to the dresser they shared and picked up the silver brush, twirling it between his fingers. It was cute and rare to see the princess looking so flustered. "Where should I sit?" he asked, giving her a reassuring smile.
Allura swept her hair off her face, giving him a small, adorable smile. "Behind me, I suppose."
She scooted further up the bed to give more room in between her and the wall, and Shiro folded himself into the slim space, sitting cross legged behind her. He gathered her hair carefully in his flesh hand, not wanting to get any strands caught in his metal one, as he took the brush in his prosthetic, and tried to not snag the bristles on any tangles.
They sat in silence for awhile, as Shiro carefully parted her hair, leaving the sections he finished painstakingly untangled with delicate hands, before moving on to another section. He had never truly appreciated just how much hair Allura had until now. Not that he minded. There was something soothing about brushing her hair, and he knew she felt it too, tension falling away from her shoulders. He could tell that neither of them had been this relaxed in a long time, but firmly told himself not to read too much into it, no matter how domestic this might've been.
After all, wasn't that the point of the mission? To pretend to be husband and wife?
"Shiro," she said, an easy lilt to her voice.
He hummed to show he was listening, the strokes of the brush never faltering.
"I've been thinking," she continued. "I think before we go down to breakfast today, we should—what is that phrase Lance uses? Get our stories straight?—about everything the Sjarkans will expect us to know about each other. How long we've been married, how it came about..." Her voice turned nervous and quiet. "Our, um, experiences in bed."
He almost dropped the brush. Readjusting his grip, Shiro gulped nervously, feeling like an awkward kid being given The Talk by his mom. "Oh, well, I—none of the Sjarkans will have really met an Altean or a human before, and we look really similar in other ways, so—so we can just say that humans and Alteans are very physically compatible?" His voice squeaked horribly.
"Yes," she said, injecting steadiness into her tone. Her cheeks hurt from the plastic smile she was forcing. "That is logical, after all. As for the marriage, we don't want to give them any more reasons for celebration. We'll say we've been married for four months?"
He cleared his throat. "And fell in love while fighting Zarkon, as the co-leaders of Voltron, naturally, we spent a lot of time together."
It was getting tentatively close to the truth, and he was glad when she nodded so they could move on from the conversation—if it kept going much longer he was sure he was going to say something stupid and entirely too truthful.
Allura nodded earnestly. "Do you think they'll ask about offspring? As I am one of the only Alteans left, I..."
Some of his nervousness gave way to a genuine curiosity. The reality of her situation had never occurred to him before, that even if Allura had grown up adamant that she didn't want children, it had surely been expected of her...? As heir of the throne, he assumed she would be expected to carry on the line, but maybe Altean politics and monarchies worked differently than on Earth. And now, with her and Coran the last Alteans left, surely they both thought that, if they survived the war, they would seek out partners to have children, to try and have more Alteans in the galaxy, even if they were only half...
Shiro's hands fell to his sides, brushing her hips for a moment before he hastily retracted them. Still, his voice was soft as he asked, "Do you want kids?"
"I...always knew I was expected to have one," she said softly. "Although adoption is a highly encouraged activity within Altean society, so... I don't know. I suppose I'll never know now. If there's one duty to my people beyond ending this war, it's carrying on my race." She studied him, nudging him lightly in the side. "Do you wish to have children Shiro?"
"I don't know," he admitted. "I haven't thought about it much, but one day, when this is all over and with the right person...I wouldn't mind having kids."
"You'd make an excellent father," she said confidently.
Red coloured his cheeks. "Oh, um, thank you Allura."
"You father the boys and Pidge—although I suppose you are like a mentor and a rather long-suffering older brother, but still. They all look to you for leadership, and guidance. I'm lucky to have you as my partner."
"I'm lucky to have you too, Allura." He smiled at her, even as his flush didn't fade. His gaze dropped to her lips, slightly parted, and shame swelled up inside of him. She was just playing a part, after all, and the fact he could use this mission as a way to coerce her into returning his feelings, however slightly, however much she had to pretend, because she had to...
Allura noticed his gaze, and the tips of her ears turned red. "Oh, good, you've noticed too." She sounded embarrassed and relieved all at once.
Shiro's eyes snapped up to her's. "Allura?"
"I was thinking, since we're pretending to be married, and given the fact that humans, Alteans and Sjarkans all have relatively the same ideas of intimacy... I thought perhaps it would be best to kiss in private first, so it's not a shock if we have to do it in private."
She ducked away from his eyes, biting her bottom lip between her teeth, and he just managed to stifle a groan: she really didn't need to be drawing anymore attention to her mouth around him, not when he was trying to avoid it.
Still, her idea was logical, and he was grateful that she had spoken first. Overall, she seemed much more comfortable with this arrangement than he did. Perhaps it was because she wasn't so flustered or as fond of him as he had thought? His heart sank slightly. It was probably part of her diplomatic training as well, he reasoned.
And then he realized a good minute had ticked by, and he still hadn't answered her.
"Oh, of course—I mean, that makes sense, Allura. It's a good—" he cleared his throat, smoothing his face over. He was calm, cool, collected, the levelheaded paladin of the Black Lion who certainly did not get flustered by the beautiful, caring, intelligent princess sitting across from him. "It's a smart idea," he said finally, his voice steady, even as his heart beat erratically in his chest.
"I'm glad we're on the same page," she said quietly, her eyes bright. She leaned in slightly. "So, should we just—?"
His nose was nearly brushing the curve of her cheek, her breath warm. His heart stuttered as he went to close the gap and—
A loud, impatient voice rang out. "Are you two done yapping already? We can't go down to breakfast without you!"
Shiro yelped and they sprang apart, and he shot a panicked look at the door. Stars, had the paladins heard them? No, no they couldn't have. Still, he didn't doubt that they were all gathered outside, and likely laughing at his expense. Teenagers, honestly.
"We'll be there in a minute," he called back, and heard the speaker, Pidge, sigh. He went to turn back to Allura and found her already standing up, tucking her neat hair behind her ears.
"I'll change first, if you don't mind," she said quietly, almost mumbling.
He nodded quickly, swallowing hard. "Of course."
He wasn't sure if he was relieved or disappointed.
After breakfast (a strange assortment of purple fruit, dry, biscuit like squares and something that resembled thick, almost curdled milk) they met with a historian, who was also the closest thing the Sjarkans had to a sociologist, named Sara. Female Sjarkans differed very little from their male counterparts. He thought that perhaps Sara's snout and ears were a tad larger, but he honestly couldn't tell. She had earrings too, so clearly like most Sjarkans, she was married.
Sara was intelligent, giving them a more in-depth tour of the kingdom than the king's advisor Noruku had. She explained the meaning behind the tapestries in the king's throne room, although King Ilvaar wasn't there in person. Shiro supposed he had many more important things to be dealing with, like his planet's growing water crisis.
"When the Galra first arrived here," began Sara, "Sjarka was a lush, green planet with water reserves found close to the surface. Us and the Norins lived in harmony for a very long time—they're borrowing creatures that dug tunnels. However when the Galra came they took away our water and unleashed many diseases. The Norins were nearly all wiped out, but the tunnels we use to harvest our water are largely what remains of their homes."
"Where do the surviving Norins live now?" Allura asked. Her hand was clasped in Shiro's with the other Paladins walking a little behind them. Already she could feel the sun making her skin sticky with sweat, and although her suit was tight, she was grateful for the protection it offered. What she would give to hold Shiro's hand properly, skin-on-skin... She quickly shut down that train of thought. Focus, Allura. You're a diplomat, not some moonstruck starry-eyed teenager.
Sara looked pleased at the question, her nostrils flaring. "They retreated further into the core of the planet. They have not been seen in many, many years, but we like to think our old neighbours are still alive."
"And when did the Galra start stealing your water?" Shiro said, squinting at the horizon. It was nothing but miles and miles of endless blue sky and sloping sand dunes.
"They made a treaty with our old king, King Noor. His advisors warned him against it, you see, because the Galra have so marriage sacrament, no life partners. Under Zarkon's rule, any attachment is not allowed. But things were not so bad then. King Noor accepted the treaty. He was a fool. They killed him two years later after he tried to marry his daughter to a prominent Galra general. We have sworn to kill all outsiders ever since."
Lance gulped noisily. "Then what made you let us live? Not that you could have killed us, we're the Paladins of Voltron, but—" Keith elbowed him in the ribs. "Ow!"
"We received word of the princess and the Black Paladin's marriage through the commlink of the princess' advisor. Any race that recognizes marriage is one we are willing to barter with."
"So if Shiro and Allura weren't married," said Hunk slowly, "what exactly would you have done?"
Allura tightened her grip on Shiro's hand, even as Sara didn't hesitate to answer.
"We would have shot you on sight. But you are married," she threw the happy couple a joyous look, "so this is not of our concern. What would you like to see next? Our orchard of Eucatrees?" She waved a stubby arm toward a row of the trees with purple leaves.
Allura gave her a tight smile. "That would be very interesting, we'd love to."
Once they were allowed a brief break before lunch, they all gathered in the Pidge's room. The Green Paladin had rigged it up with the palace's networking system, as well as commlinks to the Lionship Castle, as well as placing up barriers and firewalls and somehow managing to make the room soundproof.
Which was a good thing, because the majority of her Paladins did not know how to be quiet in the slightest.
"I knew I had a bad feeling about this," Hunk vented, pacing across the room and making a sharp turn every time he reached the mouth of Pidge's balcony. "It's like I was telling Lance, this planet is bad news, I mean, it's not even going to be that big of a help with the fight against Zarkon, can't we come back and help these guys once they might not kill us for it?"
"It is the paladin code to help all those in need, Hunk," Allura reminded him. "This planet is denying, we cannot delay this mission."
"I guess it's not in the paladin code to be 100% honest, then?" Keith asked dryly, his arms crossed over his chest.
Allura sighed, a few strands of hair falling in front of her eyes, having come loose from the humidity, as she dropped onto the edge of Pidge's bed.
"Look," Shiro began, grabbing Hunk's arm to stop him from pacing, "this is hardly an ideal situation. But what the princess said is true. If we come back to help this planet later, there may not be a people or a planet to save anymore." Allura raised her head to look at him, and they knew they were both thinking of Altea. "It may be a little lie, but one that Allura and I are more than capable of handling."
"You can say that again," Lance muttered.
Shiro threw him a look. "Anyway, this mission is one we will continue to carry out. And it will also send an important message to the Galra. We will save the universe, planet by planet. We will not be intimidated, or deterred. And the planet of Sjarka will become an ally—and as much as I hate to admit this, we need all the help we can get." He glanced at the clock, seeing that it was almost time for lunch. "Pidge, Hunk, you'll come with me to the water resevoir. I wanna know what we're dealing with here. Keith, Lance, you'll stay back here, and behave yourselves. Try to build a respectable relationship with the locals, and listen to Allura."
She gave him a grateful smile as the paladins led the way out of the room. He slipped her hand into his and tugged her up from the bed.
"Thank you Shiro," she murmured, pressing a kiss to his cheek.
He smiled at her as they followed the rest of his team. "Don't thank me yet. You're stuck with Keith and Lance for the rest of the day."
She laughed weakly. "They're smart boys, I'm sure they'll behave themselves."
"I'm sure they'll try, until they get into some sort of competition."
"Push comes to shove, I'll carry them on my shoulders for the rest of the day."
He laughed. It had been so long since he had felt this carefree, despite their circumstances. Being with Allura always made him feel lighter, always made him feel grounded, too.
He squeezed her hand. "Thank you, Allura."
They shared a smile.
"Of course, Shiro. What are spouses for?"
Needing a break from Keith and Lance's bickering, Allura commed Coran that afternoon to a checkup on the Lionship castle, who confirmed that everything was running smoothly.
"How's the scenario going with Shiro?" he asked, his moustache twitching.
"It's hardly funny," said Allura tersely. "You were right about the Sjarkans, they're far too concerned with marriage to even be rational. Please tell me their penalties for falsifying one isn't too steep."
Coran's face sobered. "I'm afraid I wouldn't know princess, there isn't much information about them on our database. You know everything I do, I suspect far more at this point."
"Keep looking," Allura told him. "I want to know exactly what we've gotten ourselves into. And keep me posted if anything comes up."
"Will do, princess." He went to turn off the connection network, but then paused, as if he couldn't help himself from adding, "Oh, and send my love to Shiro."
Allura glared at him, but the connection fizzled out before he could see it.
What she wouldn't give to be back in the privacy of her and Shiro's room, safe, talking. To be wrapped up in his arms. She hugged herself. The last bit was a foolish fantasy, and yet, if there was to be one good thing to come of this blasted mission, she wanted it to be that.
The rest of the day dragged on, even if it significantly improved once Shiro, Pidge and Hunk came back. There was no feast or dancing either, so they all got to go to bed far earlier.
Allura fell asleep first, and woke up the sound of screaming.
"Shiro—? Shiro!" Her eyes flew open in confusion, then alarm, and then understanding when she saw Shiro thrashing in his sleep beside her. She had never been more grateful for her strength than right now, as she easily pinned down his flailing limbs, holding him in place. "Shiro, it's not real."
He woke up, eyes blown wide in terror, and something like a sob sticking in his throat. "A-Allura?" She watched as his fear gave way to embarrassment. "Princess, I'm so sorry—"
"You have nothing to apologize for," she said, brushing the white tuft of hair off his sweaty forehead. Her touch seemed to soothe him, so she continued. He was still breathing hard, but at least he seemed to know where he was, knew that he was safe.
His shoulders haunched over, and her hand dropped from his hair to in between his shoulderblades, as she scooted closer to him. Her knee knocked into his, his sleep shirt sticking to his chest from cold sweat. His skin was clammy and cool.
"I've known about your nightmares almost as long as I've known you Shiro," she said softly. "You have nothing to be ashamed of. I get night-terrors too. Would you ever think badly of me? Would you ever expect me to apologize?"
"No, of course not," he said quickly.
"Then do not be so hard on yourself. We know each other's demons. We do not need to hide them."
His breathing gradually slowed as her eyes remained fixed on him, patiently waiting. For what, she wasn't quite sure, but she knew she wanted him to be at peace, if not in sleep than for him to be unafraid. He leaned in closer to her, and she kept her hand between his shoulderblades.
"Allura, can I tell you something? Something..." His metal hand curled into a fist. "Something I've never told anyone."
She nodded, laying a hand over his metal one, gently uncurling his fingers. "Of course you can." It didn't stop them from shaking.
"Being Zarkon's prisoner...it didn't just scramble my memories of that time. It took—I have a hard time remembering Earth too. What happened to me then. I remember my mom and my obaasan—my grandmother," he added quickly, for Allura's benefit, "but not their faces. And I remember some of the students at the Garrison, like Keith, but...Everything's blurry now. And if I can't remember who I was, then how do I know if I'm still me? How do I know the Galra haven't turned me into a monster?"
It was his darkest fear thrown into the light, and it was terrifying in a whole new way to say it aloud. It sounded so empty in their room, as hollow as the space between his heartbeats, when his mind wandered, when it retraced its steps and he found himself trapped between cell walls. In his worst moments, when he wondered if he was really alive at all. If all of this wasn't some delusional fantasy he had concocted to keep himself sane.
"You're not a monster," she said evenly, kindly, yet firm, bringing him back to the present. "You are a good man, Shiro. That is the man you choose to be. That is the man you are."
"That's the man I am when I'm with you," he mumbled.
"Then choose him."
"But there's so much... there's so much more at stake, and I—I can't choose everything," he said softly. Like who I fall in love with.
"You don't have to choose everything." She gripped his hand tightly. "Just... just choose me, and go from there. I can be your starting point."
He relaxed further, as his eyes rested on her. His mouth even quirked upwards. "I think you're more of my finish line, to be honest."
A crease formed in her brow. "Shiro?"
He leaned in and brushed his lips against hers, kissing her softly, briefly, before pulling away. His touch, however sweet, was seared into her lips as a blush lined her cheeks. Thank the stars it was dark, hopefully too dark for him to see it. Was that just their first kiss for the mission, or—stars, she was being silly. Why would it be anything else?
Still, her heart pounded in her chest.
"Thank you, Allura," he murmured hoarsely. He squeezed her fingers with his metal hand.
"You're welcome, my paladin," she said faintly.
He laid his head back down on his pillow, and Allura laid down beside him, curling into his warmth, and pleasantly surprised when he did so too, tangling their fingers together. She smiled softly, even if her lips still burned, as she watched him fall asleep.
"Good night, Shiro."