Disclaimer: I don't own SPN.

This is a very recent issue that I've discovered and I'm planning on writing more about it in another fic but I just have a tonne of crap that I want to get off my chest. Trigger warning for mentions of sexual assault.

Thanks to mollienaturerocks, masterjediratgrl31, RangerHorseTug and Bipi for your reviews :)

111. Dirty

Not for the first time, Dean wondered just why he'd fallen in love with someone who was as stubborn as him. He was the one who steadily maintained that he was fine when he wasn't! Not Cas! Hell, they hadn't even had a good roll in the sack lately and Dean was a man with needs!

"Alright," he finally said one morning, cornering Cas when the ex-angel tried to slip out of the bedroom quietly. "I know something's up, Cas, and you're not leaving this room till you tell me what."

"It's nothing," Cas muttered. "Just leave me alone, Dean!"

He attempted to push past Dean but Dean grabbed him by the shoulders and steered him to sit down on the bed.

"Talk," Dean ordered. Cas sighed and looked down at his hands.

"It's just…after you killed that shapeshifter and we had sex…I began to feel unclean," he admitted quietly. "I remembered kissing Meg and tasting the hellfire in her mouth…and then sleeping with April –"

"That reaper bitch," Dean interjected.

"Dean, there was a human soul in that body!" Cas said in anguish, covering his face. "And – and yes, I enjoyed it but…I didn't want it, Dean."

His voice had dropped to a whisper, as though he was ashamed to admit that he hadn't wanted to have sex like most humans did.

"I thought that I was obliged to sleep with her," he confessed. "And I meant to tell her to stop but she was enjoying herself and I thought – I thought that it was a small price to pay for her kindness…"

Dean was utterly speechless. Taking in the sight of his angel with his head bowed and shoulders shaking, he did the only thing he could do: he wrapped Cas in his arms and held him close.

"Shh, it's okay," he said soothingly. "Just how long've you been thinking about that?"

"Ever since you kicked me out of the bunker," Cas murmured. "I kept wondering if I was to blame – if I was somehow dirty. And I've mostly managed to suppress it but sometimes I can't…"

"Is that what your nightmares are about?" Dean asked, remembering the nights that Cas would toss and turn, drenched in sweat, and Dean would wake him up and hold him close. Cas nodded.

"I keep trying to tell her to stop…both for my sake and for the real April's. But she never stops…ever…but I mostly managed to overcome it until the shifter kissed me and brought those memories back."

At a loss for words, Dean just held his angel even tighter. Son of a bitch, why hadn't Cas ever told him how he was feeling? They'd had sex so many times – how many of those times had Cas actually wanted to do it?

"Don't be ridiculous, Dean," Cas said firmly when Dean brought it up. "Every time I slept with you was because I wanted to and fully desired to. You're the first person that I've truly experienced sexual attraction towards and that's only because of this profound bond that we share – I believe that humans call it demisexuality. I've never felt this close to anybody, Dean."

"I never thought that was a thing," Dean admitted. "I thought it was a made-up thing that people said to sound cool."

Cas chuckled weakly.

"I did think that April was pretty," he said. "But in an aesthetic way – rather like you would say that Charlie and Rose are attractive but feel no sexual desire for them."

"God, no," Dean shuddered. "They're my sisters, man. But why'd you never tell me, Cas? That's – that's assault, man! That wasn't proper consent! You didn't know what you were getting into!"

"I knew perfectly well that I was going to have sex with April," Cas retorted. Dean sighed in aggravation.

"That's not what I meant," he said. "When I used to pick up chicks, we both knew exactly what was gonna happen. We'd jump into bed, have a good screw and then leave. But Cas, man…you knew how sex worked but not everything it involved. Even before I lost my v-card, I knew exactly what I was getting into."

Cas was shaking again and Dean was horrified to feel something wet drip onto his forearm.

"Hey, angel, don't cry." He pulled Cas onto his lap and pressed a kiss to his angel's dark hair. "You're gonna get through this, okay? You shouldn't've shoved it down – take it from the king of suppression here. We're gonna talk about it and we're gonna work through it. Got it?"

"Got it," Cas croaked. "I – thank you, Dean. For choosing a broken former angel over –"

"Stop right there," Dean growled. "Dammit, you're not broken, Cas! Coming away from – from something like that doesn't make you broken! You're just a little rough around the edges but we're gonna do something about that, alright? Broken is torturing souls in Hell for ten years or getting everyone around you killed or –"

"I thought you were meant to be comforting me," Cas said dryly, though his voice was hoarse. It did the trick of making Dean snort and hold Cas even closer, resting his chin on his angel's mop of messy hair.

"You're not broken, angel," he asserted. "And we're gonna work through this and until we do, we're not gonna have any sex or do anything that makes you uncomfortable. I love you, Cas, and I'm not gonna lose you. Capiche?"

"I – I capiche."

Cas looked up and gave Dean a chaste kiss on the lips. Dean went along with it, letting Cas control the pace, and his angel broke away after a moment to give him a small smile.

"If I had any doubts at all about falling and giving my grace then they are all gone. I love you too, Dean. Thank you for – for fixing me."

"You don't need fixing, Cas, because you're not broken. Got it?"

Cas nodded slowly, though he didn't look like he believed it. Dean vowed then and there to keep telling Cas every day that he was perfect and not broken until Cas believed it because he loved this man, this perfect angel, as much as he loved his little brother. And if that meant having chick flick moments every day then so be it!