Chapter 2 Cobwebs
EPOV
Have to stay here.
Promised.
I promised her.
Three thousand two hundred seventy one, three thousand two hundred seventy two . . . or was it three . . . rings, can't be rings,
Start over.
Wait, was I counting breaths, or sunsets, or cobwebs - or rats . . . no, there were not that many rats, it must have been minutes - or was it days? I can't do this . . . I can't. I don't have the strength.
Have to stay here.
Promised.
I promised her.
I was no longer aware of the time of day, the day of the week, or even the month for that matter. I was here, alone. Forever alone but never alone. Time had ceased to exist for me, not that it ever meant much to my kind as eternity loomed in our futures. Each day flowed endlessly into the next marked by twilight and darkness. The passing of darkness. The voices, most of them were far away, a distant muted buzzing sound. My gift not tormenting me with the ever present monotony of voices. I was thankful for that. Thankful for the near quiet. The near peaceful oblivion. Quiet like Bella's mind was to me. Quiet. Bella.
No. Don't think about her.
I had tried to protect her, but a paper cut . . . a fucking PAPER CUT. How was I supposed to protect her against that, against my own family! I had killed James for his attacking and biting her and even managed to suck out the venom allowing her to retain her human form. Her blood. To think, I was worried I would hurt her because of the lure of her blood, the way it sang to me. Nothing. It was fucking nothing. The power and force by which her blood called to me was nothing compared to the pain of her absence. I would spend eternity feeling the anguish of that call and the burn in my throat that it caused if I had the choice. But I had no choice. It was fitting. I had taken away her choice. She had the right to choose and I had no right to deny her. I see that now. I see many things so clearly now. I could have shown her my love. Every time I denied her, every time I pulled away from her embrace, every fucking time I denied us what should have been ours . . . I had taken her choices from her, and now I had no choice.
Have to stay here.
Promised.
I promised her.
Victoria had escaped and I was determined that she was not going to taint good air and walk shoe leather on this earth for much longer. I would light the match to her pyre and end her myself. I had tracked her this far - this far . . . and the trail disappeared. Of all of my many talents and attributes, I so sucked at tracking. I had taken up residence in an abandoned building, in the attic amid the cobwebs and rotting timbers. Rodents, spiders and bats were my companions. A fitting tomb for one such as I. No one lived here. The South side of Rio - no one in there right mind lived here anymore, not even the bums. Not even the most destitute. It was the most decayed place I could find. I deserved no less. I was alone in the attic, curled in on myself in a ball, arms clinging around curled up legs as though trying to hold myself together. It was no use - there was nothing to hold together. I was empty. Empty except for the pain. Eyes. Eyes filled with equal measure of pain and love the last time I'd looked into them. Brown eyes that haunted me.
Have to stay here.
Promised.
I promised her.
She woke up sleepily, her face nuzzling closer still into the crook of my neck, arm draped across my chest as she gripped me closer. Dawn was just breaking outside the tiny window of her bedroom, but the light was enough for her to see me there. She could feel me of course, cold and hard. She never seemed to mind but to draw herself closer. I had been watching her for hours lost in her every breath, every heartbeat, the feel of her blood rushing in her veins just below the surface of her creamy alabaster skin. Her voice, dear lord, it was enough to slay me. She had moaned my name for the forth time just a moment before she woke - each time becoming more fervent, more laced with pleasure and need, her hips seeking friction and giving away her desire. She was killing me. I moved to kiss her lips, to give her the union she desired . . . . . cobwebs - a mouth full of cobwebs and my own knee to my mouth, the only thing in front of me. I have no concept of how long I had been lost in my dreams, my trying to dream, my "sleeping", lost in thought with my love. Everything that I was I left in the forest that day with her. She trusted me. She loved me.
She matters more to me than blood. For her . . . I have to protect her . . .
Have to stay here.
Promised.
I promised her.
~oooOooo~
JPOV (Jasper)
"Alice, how about coming in and sitting with me," Jasper quietly asked.
She had been out on the front porch of our home staring off into the distance, trying to see. Needing to see. There was nothing, only darkness.
"He is so alone, Jasper. Alone and in the dark somewhere. I can't see where, there is nothing to go by, only cobwebs and rotting timbers. An Attic . . . Oh My God, Jasper, he is in an attic somewhere!"
Alice would have been shedding tears if that were possible, but then again I guess we all would have. We would move heaven and earth to have him with us. We all missed him and worried for him. We missed her. Alice could no longer see her at all and he was alone in the dark. What a mess he had made of this. So much pain.
We were in our new home now, Esme had outdone herself again. We had nine acres that were surrounded on three sides by the National Forest. Perfect. Carlisle was busy supervising the surgical staff and the opening of the new hospital here in the small town of Highlands, North Carolina. We had gone diagonally across the country to gain distance for him.
Distance from her.
It was cloudy here in the temperate rain forest that was the foothills of the Appalachian mountains. Loads of wildlife, deer were plentiful as was other small game, lots of bears for Emmett but few mountain lions. I guess that didn't matter. Mountain lion was Edwards favorite, but he hadn't stayed with us long enough for it to matter that they were scarce here. He had left almost as soon as we were settled in, not even unpacking his room. He never even entered his room except to set his boxed personal items in it - the only remains of the life he had once known and an unwelcome reminder to him of what he had lost.
Bella.
The pain in his all consuming grief was unbearable. It colored his face and resonated in his voice. I couldn't even endure it second hand. How he would ever survive the loss, I had no idea. I couldn't have done it. I would have turned her in a heartbeat to have her with me for eternity but Edward, selfless Edward - too worried about his assumption that she would loose her soul. Completely altruistic? I don't know. I do know that he burned. He burned with a grief that had to equal the fires of hell. I could feel it, and I would move heaven and earth to change it if it were only possible.
We had all moved here, leaving Forks at Edwards request. We were a family after all. The home here was built of warm cedar wood, giving off a golden glow and a slight fragrance that was not altogether unpleasant. I'm told humans find the smell pleasing. The house was amazing, one of Esme's best efforts in my opinion. The two story rustic structure sat on the very top of the mountain facing West into the National Forest and giving a full view of the sunsets over the distant hills. The master suite was on the main floor and was for Carlisle and Esme, of course. It had a sitting room off to one side and a huge garden style Jacuzzi tub with windows looking West so that the sunset could be seen. A sink and toilet were there of course, for appearances. A small study/library was attached to the front of the room, just off the main foyer and front door and it suited Carlisle's purpose. A place to store shelf after shelf of priceless antique books and documents and to display the artwork he had accumulated over the centuries. A lone desk and 3 chairs set to the center of the room were the only furnishing. Simple. A place for study, reflection and thought. A place grounded in history and family and lineage and education - a testament to the reality that vampires could rise above their baser callings, that there were infinite possibilities for them and their humanity, and evidence to have drawn Carlisle to the conclusion that vampires did indeed have a soul and were not damned as was thought by many accounts.
The upstairs contained four large bedrooms with private baths in each. Large rooms with magnificent views and fireplaces and room to accommodate sitting areas for music and stereos and large closets even by Alice's standards. Each couple had their own room and there was a guest room if we needed it - or it could be used as a study! The Great Room downstairs had the most magnificent fireplace. Two story ceilings accommodated the huge structure made of smooth river stone and a hearth that would seat 6 of us at a time to enjoy the warmth that a fire provided. We never mentioned how romantic and cozy the living spaces seemed. It was too painful to bear. Walking by the near empty and boxed room that was Edwards had become so painful that we all sighed in relief that it was at the very end of the hall thus enabling us to avoid its entrance.
The house was secluded, to say the least, ten miles from town and a mile long driveway all heavily forested. Perfect. But Edward had not stayed. He had tried, God knows he had tried, but the pain that I knew him to feel was at best, unbearable.
Being around family pushed him over the edge. Any time any one of us had a passing accidental thought of Bella it was excruciating for him. He would drop to his knees and fold in on himself, pulling his hair. If any of us thought fondly of or touched our mates his agony was palpable. He wanted his mate. He needed Bella. It was impossible for him to ignore it and impossible to give in to it. He was trapped in his own personal living hell. The sight of his brothers and sisters and parents with their mates was too much for him. Never would he have that . . . the closeness, the bond, the feeling of completeness that their union brought to each of them. The feeling of being whole. Edward had claimed her as his mate. They had never consummated the relationship, but it didn't matter. She was the other half of his whole. To say they were soul mates was to understate the bond between them. He had chosen to separate himself from her, the only mate he would ever have. Vampires mate for life, well, for the balance of their existence. How he thought it was for her own good, I will never know.
Carlisle had tried. He had offered to even travel with him as soon as he could arrange a leave from the newly started hospital, but Edward would not hear of it. He could not bear any reminder of anything that had ever had to do with Bella. If he saw Carlisle, he would remember the scene of him having welcomed her into their home, of him tending to her injuries when she had been attacked by James, stitching up her cuts when he had thrown her into a table full of glass to avoid Jasper's attack. Esme reminded him of the times that she and Bella had cooked together in the kitchen at Forks, making all sorts of treats for Charlie and even for Jacob and Billy. Emmett would come up with something to say about how stupid he thought it was of Edward to have left her, Emmett was Emmett. Then there was Alice, Alice was her best friend. Every word out of here mouth reminded him of something to do with Bella . . . a shopping trip, a pajama party, a stolen weekend covered by Alice as an excuse. It was just too much. Then there was me. I had dealt the last blow, and it was impossible to forget the night of her eighteenth birthday party when I had taken a snap at her. God help me I wish I could rid us all of that night.
"I'm going to keep trying to call, Jasper. He is so alone, he needs me,"
Alice cried dry tears as she spoke.
"I know, Darlin. Just keep trying."
I spoke softly as I stepped behind my mate and put my arms around her.
~oooOooo~
EPOV
Have to stay here.
Promised.
I promised her.
ring . . . ring . . . ring . . . Alice. Alice again. I can't, I just can't.
Have to stay here.
Promised.
I promised her.
Maybe, I could just check on her. I need to make sure she is safe. Safe from my world. Maybe Alice has seen something. Maybe I should check. Maybe she needs me . . .
NO No no !
- I am the danger, me and all I bring with my world . . .
Have to stay here.
Promised.
I promised her.
I HAVE to check. She is my life. Just a peek, at least that is what I told myself, just a glimpse. A fleeting view of her happy in her new life, happy with her friends and family. She would continue, she would date. She would move on.
Human minds are like sieves, and feelings fade . . .
that's what I told her
She would find someone else. Someone to hold her, someone to tell her she is loved, to show her that she is loved - to kiss her. Another that would caress her soft cheek with His hand . . . kiss her lips with His . . . lay with her. Marry her. Feel her warmth and love.
No. She loves me, she wouldn't . . .
It will be as if I never existed . . .
that's what I told her
I have to go home. I have to go to her, confess that I lied and beg her. Beg her for what? Beg her to stay human, beg her not to stay human? Beg for her forgiveness for the blackest of lies that I had told her . . . beg her to allow me to stand in the same room with her . . .
I opened my eyes and brushed aside a spider, my face and eyelashes a part of its web. I must have been here longer than I thought - had I been human, I would have starved long ago. Pity. Though I was technically dead, my legs ached from having held their curled position for so long, closed in on myself trying to hold myself together as if I could fill in the hole in my chest if I just squeezed hard enough.
The absence of her was everywhere.
I crawled from my hiding place and slowly made my way down the flights of stairs, managing to stand some semblance of straight up by the time I reached the last level. It was a wonder this building had ever withstood my weight without falling over. What was I thinking. I can never live without her. I fought with every ounce of strength I possessed to regain my composure. I had to go to her.
Have to stay here.
Promised.
I promised her.
I was headed for the airport . . . and home.
The first flight out was more than fourteen hours away. I fumbled for my wallet and the little black credit card that I still had tucked away. The ticket agent glared at me, but provided me with a ticket, first class, none the less. Ticket in hand, I passed a mirror. Clothes, I needed new clothes. If Alice could see me now she would disown me. My shirt was torn from a predator I had fed on carelessly months ago. The knees of my pants were covered in dirt and I think those were cobwebs covering one side of my jacket and leg of my trousers from lying curled up on one side in the attic, I can't be sure, but the toe of my leather shoes looked nibbled on. I was a mess. A hunt, short shopping spree and a hotel room later, I was much more presentable. I answered the phone,
"Yes Alice, it's me".