Disclaimer: All the Twilight stuff belongs to Stephenie Meyer. No copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing in her sandbox.

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Chapter 14 Routine

BPOV

In the days that followed, we fell into a routine. Edward had finally agreed to hunt, though he would go no farther than the backyard. Luckily the backyard was the National Forest and was tens of thousands of acres of temperate rain forest teaming with wildlife. The dark circles under his eyes all but disappeared and the warm gold of his eyes was softer and more molten that I had ever seen it. Esme was elated. She looked at him with all a mothers adoration and she was so happy to have him near her. She nearly exploded with joy every time he touched me or she witnessed any affection between us. It seemed odd, like a sadness had been lifted from her.

We were sitting in the kitchen one afternoon while Edward was hunting, well, I was sitting and Esme was cooking, and I just had to ask, "Esme, what happened when you left Forks, where did you go?" She looked up from the food she was preparing for me with such a sad expression, I almost wished I hadn't asked. Almost.

"Bella, none of us wanted to leave. Edward was so frantic after your eighteenth birthday party. He insisted that we were putting you in danger, that he had to get us all away from you so that you could have a normal, human life. He was convinced that our presence in your life was dangerous to you," she paused and looked into my eyes, "and he asked us to leave. We move every few years, of course, out of necessity and he insisted that it was close enough to the time we would have to leave anyway. He forbid any of us to speak to you before we left or to contact you once we were gone. He wanted a clean break, and we agreed to it for him."

"The public story was that Carlisle had accepted a job offer in Los Angeles and that the family moved there with him. Bella, we actually moved here and Carlisle was hired to run the Highlands hospital. We rented a small home while I did all the remodeling on this one, then we all moved in here. Well, Edward moved his things here. He never really moved in."

"What do you mean, Esme, that he never really moved in?" I asked.

"Have you and Edward not talked about this, dear?" she asked softly as she stood and put her arms around my shoulders.

"No. Not at all," I answered, somewhat embarrassed that there were things Edward had not told me.

"And you haven't been upstairs?"

"No. I guess with this giant cast and all, I never worried about going up there, why?"

"Come with me, dear. Do you mind if I carry you up the stairs, it will be easier," Esme offered timidly.

"Sure, Esme."

She gently and effortlessly lifted me and carried me out of the kitchen and up the stairs. The landing a the top of the stairs was gorgeous. Comfy antique benches in the bay windows filled with pillows of all shades of cream and beige lining the hallway that continued the length of the front of the house. Four doors opened along the long hallway, the first at the top of the landing. Esme opened the door to show me Alice and Jasper's room, decorated in all modern furniture, bits of green mixed in with the cream and white and tan. A huge dressing screen with an oriental flair stood in one corner and the closet Esme opened was larger than the room. We both laughed and looked at each other as we said, "Alice!"

The next room belonged to Rose and Emmett. The furniture seemed fitting, large ornate dressers and a bed with four massive posts at the corners and the same ornate woodwork on the headboard that matched the dressers and night stands. A huge flat screen TV was mounted to the wall with a sofa and recliner facing it. The room was decorated in cream and red, and was amazingly beautiful,regal even. The space that Alice's enormous closet took up in her room was used as a massive jacuzzi tub here in this room, filled by a magnificent waterfall faucet. The tub was built in the bay windows that had a view of the mountains in the distance and the national forest that was their backyard. It was a place you could lounge for hours, the floor done in crimson marble and a corner shower with glass sides to match. The crimson marble counter contained two large modern waterfall faucets filling two sinks with vines growing on either side, bathed in sunlight coming in from the skylight above. "Rose and Emmett like things on a bit of a grand scale," Esme smirked, "so this suits them. I try to design the bedrooms rooms to meet the couple's individual taste."

"It's just beautiful, Esme. You do amazing things with houses and living spaces," I commented as we moved to the next door.

"This is the guest room, it's a little smaller than the other three bedrooms. I just designed it as though I would stay in it, cream and white with contemporary yet classic furniture. Nothing fancy, just my idea of a room that a guest would find comfortable. There is a full bathroom off through there, also done in tan and cream and a normal size closet," Esme laughed as she commented on the closet. Apparently Alice's closet was a point of contention as it defied standard dimensions and spaces that should be afforded to clothing.

Her face darkened as we approached the last door and sadness filled her eyes. "This is Edward's room, dear. I suppose actually, it's both your rooms, though it has never been used," she said with such sadness in her voice.

"Never been used?" I looked at her questioningly as I stepped into the room.

The space was large, just the same as the other two siblings bedrooms, beautiful golden carpet and beige walls with the same gorgeous bay windows overlooking the forest that the other rooms had. But the room was empty. The closet stood empty with the door ajar, boxes randomly stacked in odd piles along the edges of the room. I looked at Esme and she gestured for me to sit on the padded bench that was a part of the bay window. She sat and faced me holding each of my hands in hers.

"I don't know what Edward told you when he left, or what reasons he gave you for our leaving, but when he arrived here to join us he was heartbroken. We left all his furniture in Forks, it reminded him of you so it couldn't come with us. None of the Forks furniture came with us for that reason, even the piano. His journals and his music were the only things he would allow us to pack and when he got here he put the boxes in his room and refused to even open them. Bella he never once played his piano, never listened to music . . . he even refused to hunt. He just sat here. Alone. He couldn't bear to be around his siblings with their mates, even Carlisle couldn't be with him. The slightest indication that there was any affection or love would send him into a panic attack. If one of us happened to have a passing thought of you, the pain it caused him would drop him to his knees."

I just stared at her and around the room in shock. I had no idea. Edward had been no better off without me than I had been without him. I knew he said he couldn't live without me, but I had no idea that the hole in his chest rivaled mine.

"Bella, we thought we were going to lose him," Esme said quietly.

As I gazed around the empty room, I realized Edward was leaning against the entry door, his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. He was starring intensely at me, his mood unreadable.

When our eyes met, he crossed the room toward me. I stood and his arms enveloped me as I clutched his body to mine. Esme quietly excused herself and Edward took her place sitting rigidly with me, still holding me to him.

"I didn't mean to intrude, to come in your room without asking, Edward," I said as I looked into his eyes. "I asked Esme about what happened after she left Forks, and she was showing me the upstairs . . . and your room. Please don't be angry with me, I didn't mean to seem like I was snooping in your things or bothering your room. I guess I just never thought about the fact that you would have your own room here and I had never been upstairs so I had never seen it and, Edward, I'm just so sorry. I didn't realize it was so hard on you after you left," I pleaded, "Please, please don't be mad at me for coming in here without asking you!"

He continued to stare at me, unblinking as only a vampire can. Finally I looked away and tucked my face into the crook of his neck to escape his glare. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know if he was going to be so angry that he would send me away and I didn't want that, I just wanted to know him better, to know everything about him. I just loved him so much and he had been so kind to me since the crash and now I had made him angry with me.

"Bella," he said as he took my face in his hands, wiping the tears off my cheeks with his thumbs, "Love, you seem to be under the impression that I'm angry with you. Nothing could be further from the truth. I'm not mad at you for being in here, sweetheart, everything I have is yours."

"Edward," I said as I gripped the sides of his face with my hands, kissing his eyes, his nose, his cheeks and finally his lips, "I didn't mean to upset you! I'm so sorry I intruded into your space."

"There is nothing I have that you cannot see or use, nothing in any of the journals that you cannot read. I would never be mad with you for wanting to know more about me, I just hate to share sadness with you . . . I just don't relish the thought of reliving all the hurt I caused by leaving you, hurt for both of us. But, Bella, there is nowhere that I would be that you cannot also go, well," he looked down to his lap shyly, "except that you can't come hunting with me, yet anyway."

I laughed as I wiped my tears and sniffed my nose.

"Come on," he said as he lifted me into his arms, "unless there's something you want to look though now, lets go back down to our room where it's more comfortable. When your cast is off, we can decorate this room however you choose, we'll go furniture shopping together," he said trying to lighten the mood.

We went to our room downstairs and he snuggled me to his chest as we lay on our bed. "I'll tell you anything you want to know, love. I didn't fare too well without you and from what I read in the minds of your friends in Forks and Charlie, neither did you. I just thought the discussion could wait till you were better. I just so love our time together now, I didn't want to bring up any darkness, but I'll tell you anything you want to know, always know that. I am not keeping things from you or trying to protect you from it. That just didn't work so well, did it?"

I kissed his lips. This was a different Edward, a more open Edward willing to share decisions and treat me as an equal, not the overprotective man he was when we were in Forks. I loved this man and right now I needed to show him that. I traced his lips with my tongue and he allowed me in, our tongues gently caressing each other as our arms held each other close. He was bolder, this Edward, his hands often slipping under the hem of my shirt to caress my breasts and gently squeeze my nipples, often placing kisses there as well. And so we passed our days.

My stitches and staples had been removed from all the abdominal wounds - scars now, pink and raised gave my abdomen the appearance of an angry puzzle. My road rash had healed, and the ribs were well on their way to mending, it no longer hurt to breath and I would have been quite mobile had it not been for the thigh high cast still on my leg. It still had a few weeks to go before Carlisle would consider even reducing its size, much less removing it.

We had breakfast in our room every morning and spent the early hours pretty much like kids making out on the sofa. In the afternoon I would nap while Edward played Guitar Hero or Grand Theft Auto, or some other obnoxious game with his brothers, or went for a hunt. Sometimes I would wake to the sound of him playing piano, he had always been an amazing player and could replay even the most complex piece from memory after having played it only once using the music. The whole family usually gathered, listening as if it were something they had not been privileged to hear in a very long time.

My evening meal was a production. Esme and Alice wanted to learn how to cook, along with Edward. Rosalie even stuck her head in now again as I showed them how to roast meat, steam vegetables, chop and dice, and make various sauces. It was the event of the day, culminating in my evening meal which they would never even taste. They even found most of the smells revolting, yet they wanted to cook for me. My new family was amazing and I loved them dearly, especially Edward.

Edward.

He was always there to hold me when I was insecure, carry me when I was tired, entertain me when I was bored, and anything and everything else he could think of to occupy me and help me heal. It was a slow process, I guess I hadn't realized how close I had been to death.

But he did.

In the evenings we would cuddle or watch a movie or listen to music while we lay wrapped up in each other till I fell asleep. Always in his arms, and always with my hand on him. There. I didn't pause to think about it, or why it was so vital to me, I just needed to know I could have him in every way, I needed assurance. Sometimes I would insist we loose the clothes to sleep. I loved the feeling of his cool skin on mine. We tried to avoid our teenage hormones, we both knew I wasn't up to it yet, but more and more the soft circles he traced on my stomach became soft caresses over my breasts. He would gently nuzzle my chest while I ran my fingers through his silky hair. We attempted to not get overheated, but we were having less and less success. I was floored the first time I saw my husband fully naked. He had always tried to keep his boxers on, apparently embarrassed by the erection he maintained. I would always put my hand over it and gently stroke, thinking I was soothing him, not realizing just how difficult I was making it for him. I was totally unfamiliar with men. I had no idea how painful this was for him, to have me fondling him and stroking him and his getting no relief from me.

Edward was out hunting one afternoon and I had just woken from my nap. Alice and Rose were apparently just returning to the house from shopping and I overheard them as they came in the door.

"I just don't understand why he lets this continue, is he a masochist? It doesn't make sense. He should just tell her," said Rose.

"It's just not that simple, Rose," whispered Alice, "He wants to give her all the time she needs to heal and regain her strength. He wants her to be comfortable and secure while she recovers. You know he over thinks everything. At least he's here and not hold up in that attic in Rio for months."

"Surely Jasper will be relieved when he finally moves. Is his new place nearly finished? I heard Carlisle talking to Charlie yesterday and making the arrangements for his visit," said Rose. "Just a few more shopping trips and I should have all the furnishings in place for him," giggled Alice, "I hope I got it just right, Esme outdid herself with the design."

I gasped as my entire world shattered. 'Bella, are you okay?" Alice asked as she peered around the door of my room. "Sure, Alice, I was just waking up. Did you have fun shopping?"

"Bella, need you ask. I always have fun shopping! Just let Rose and I go put away these things, then would you like to watch a movie with us?"

"No, Alice. I think I'll just rest. I am not feeling well today."

"Okay," she said, "let me know if you need anything little sister. You have to be excited about getting that cast off."

Alice and Rose hurried upstairs. I fell back on the bed and into the pits of despair. Did he really only do this so that I would recover? Edward had wanted me comfortable and secure while I recovered. I was getting the cast changed to a smaller walking cast this afternoon, Carlisle had promised. Could it be that my time with Edward was coming to a close . . .

No, no . . . oh God, NO!

He couldn't have done all this out of guilt, we were married. I had asked him, I know it wasn't traditional, but he had a ring in his pocket for Gods sake, he must have wanted it! But he was a vampire. A human marriage ceremony, did it mean the same to him as it did to me? I think it did. No, I know it did. Vampires mate for life. That's what he had said. He would love me whether he had ever been with me again or not.

He had married me.

He would never leave me.

He promised.

It was legal, he had been so smug and proud when he had showed the proof of it to Charlie. He had gone against Charlie, he could have let me go home with Charlie from the hospital . . .

He had married me.

He would never leave me.

He promised.

I thought we were happy - I thought we were in love. No, I know we're in love! We had not yet consummated our marriage, he had never made love to me, but I wasn't healed yet. My broken ribs and incisions had only just healed. His words in the forest so long ago came crashing down on me, I wasn't good enough for him. He had said it then, he had said he didn't want me . . but,

He had married me.

He would never leave me.

He promised.

I sobbed hysterically into my pillow and let the darkness take me. I couldn't bear it . . . I wouldn't survive it this time, I didn't want to . . .

"Edward, you have to get back here now, it's Bella."

As Alice hung up the phone, Jaspers' arms surrounded her, trying to comfort her from the vision she had just had. Bella had to be okay!

~oooOooo~

Emmett POV

I watched as he dropped the phone into his pocket, the furniture forgotten. He nearly tore the door off its hinges in his effort to leave.

"Let's go, Emmett!" and he was gone like a shot. Edward could literally fly across the forest floor when he wanted to and this time he was driven. Something Alice had said had sent him into a panic. He only acted this way about Bella. Wow, I hope she hasn't fallen and hurt herself again, crazy little sister, just when Edward is about to rock her world!

Edward and I had been working on this for over a month. We had brought in a whole crew and we had just brought in the last of the items brought back by the girls today. It looked really good, even by my standards . . . Edward never thought as big as I did when it came to houses.

Carlisle had just pulled up as I stepped onto the front porch. He hurried into Bellas' room with me on his heels. The sight before us was heartbreaking. Bella was in Edwards lap, arms clutched around his neck as though her life depended on it and she was sobbing. This wasn't crying, these were the sounds of an animal being tortured beyond its ability to bear it. She wouldn't speak. He kept kissing her face, her hair, her shoulders and asking her what was wrong, telling her to calm down, but to no avail. Carlisle stepped forward and administered a shot to her arm and she immediately relaxed into Edwards arms.

"Oh my God, Carlisle, what's wrong with her?" I exclaimed. Edward gently stood and turned to lay her on the bed behind him, his hands never leaving her, as Carlisle examined her. My brother knelt there by her, his expression reminiscent of the days when we first moved here. I could not even stand to see that look from him again, it was excruciating just to witness it on his face, much less feel the emotion behind it.

"Nothing, I can find nothing wrong, Edward. It's almost as though she went into shock, but why?" questioned Carlisle. "Let's use the fact that she is sedated to get that cast off her leg and make sure the leg isn't a part of the problem."

I watched as Carlisle tenderly changed the cast on his new daughters leg. He was looking for anything, anything that could explain this. Jasper walked into the room slowly, so slowly.

"Pain, she's in so much pain!" he stated.

Carlisle turned toward him, "She's sedated, Jasper. Are you saying she's in pain right now?"

"Yes, she's in pain and she's afraid," I paused, the weight of her emotions nearly causing me to collapse, "its as though she has lost herself, she is nothing but just pain! God, what happened?"

Edward crawled beside her on their bed and held her. He cradled her in his arms as though she was the most fragile porcelain doll imaginable, more precious than anything else on earth. They had been through so much, and now this, just when things were about to be perfect for them.

~oooOooo~

EPOV

I held her for hours. I would hold her till the end of time if she would let me. I loved this woman beyond all reason and she was in pain. She began to stir, tensing in my arms. Her eyes opened and she clutched on to me with all of her strength.

"Don't leave me, Edward, please don't leave me!"

Oh, my dear God! Why would she think I would ever leave her? I could not be drug away from this woman. What had happened to bring this on? I cupped her face in my hands as we lay together on the day bed and looked into her eyes, trying to get her to hear me.

"Sweetheart, I will never leave you. You know that. You're my wife and I love you more than my own life," I told her as I trailed soft kisses across her tear stained cheek and to the corners of her lips. Her eyes were wild, deep dark swirling brown fraught with fear.

"Please please tell me what's wrong, love!" I was begging her, beside myself with worry. I literally could not bear to see her like this. She clung to me, her body trying everything to occupy the same space that mine was occupying, her face pressed so tightly into my neck that I wasn't sure she could breath. "Bella, honey, talk to me . . . Please!"

She pulled her face back just slightly, never relaxing her grip in me and looked at my eyes. "You're leaving me," she said, her body quivering with emotion.

"Sweetheart," I said with all the love I could put into the words, "I will never leave you. Wild horses could not drag me from you! Where is this coming from?"

"Edward, please, please Edward, I can do anything you want, I can change how I behave I will do anything . . . just tell me what to do to be enough for you . . . please . . . please . . . just tell me!" she sobbed. I held her to me, stroking her hair to try and calm her down as I spoke quiet words to her.

"Bella, what are you talking about? I am not leaving you. I'm your husband and I will never leave you. You're everything to me. I have explained this before. Vampires mate for life, as long as you'll have me, I'm here, love. I love you."

She looked up at me, trying to focus. I moved the strands of hair from over her face and tucked it behind her ear, gently brushing the tears away from her cheeks with the back of my knuckle. I kissed her softly on the nose, the corners of her mouth, her full lips. "Please, please tell me love, I'm not going anywhere without you."

"Edward, I overheard."

She was crying so hard she was stuttering, I could barely understand what she was saying as she tried to compose herself to talk, "I don't want you to continue just putting up with me, enduring my presence in your life. I'm almost recovered from the crash, you . . . you can go on if you need to, I just . . . I just don't know what I'll do without you," she said as she broke into sobs again. Merciful God, what is going on.

"Sweetheart," I tried again to get her to hear me, "I'm not going anywhere without you. I am never leaving you! I don't want you to worry about what you would do without me, you will never have the chance to find out. Bella, look at me. I love you and I am right here right now, holding you, and there is nowhere else I would rather be. I love you, you are my life, baby."

"Oh Edward, I want so badly for that to be true, I want to believe you. I love you so much, but I don't want to hurt you. Rose said I was hurting you and Alice said you were just waiting for me to heal and Jasper will be relieved when you move, and your new place is almost ready. Edward, please please don't leave me. I want to be enough for you! I'll do anything, I love you!"

I could not imagine that my sisters would say those things to Bella, I knew how they felt about her. Hurting me . . . hurting me . . . just waiting for her to heal, moving, wait . . . Jasper would only be relieved if . . . Oh My God. It all make sense, realization hitting me.

~oooOooo~