Death and Taxes
by Concolor44
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Author's Note: As the saying goes, tastes differ. That would apply even more aptly across dimensional lines.
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Chapter Three
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Jump City, April 28th, noon
"I think I'll do it this afternoon."
Nightwing and Starfire looked up at her utterance. Changeling, Terra, and Cyborg were deeply, emotionally involved in a three-way "death match" on some kind of first-person-sniper video platform, so they didn't hear her.
Star wrinkled her brow in thought for a second before her eyes got big (well, bigger than usual). "You mean you will do the visiting of the Eighth Hell today?"
"Yes. No point in putting it off, I suppose. And I have to admit to being a little curious."
"Were you planning to be making the trip in an unaccompanied fashion?"
Raven had to stop and consider that one. "I … hadn't really thought about it. I'd just assumed I would. Don't tell me that you want to come along!"
Starfire nodded enthusiastically.
"But … it's Hell."
"Yes, and it is a place I have never seen before and it would therefore encompass a new experience."
"Not all new experiences are pleasant, Star."
"This is a true saying. However, I feel that it would be to my benefit to see your new kingdom."
"Richard," she said, appealing to Nightwing's legendary protectiveness over his girlfriend, "would you be so kind as to talk some sense here?"
"I've gotta go with Raven on this one, Star. She should probably go by herself on the first trip."
"Why?"
"Well, for one thing, it would be a hassle for her to look after somebody else all the time she's there. Hell is freakin' dangerous!"
"Raven, could you not place me under the same sort of protection that was offered to Cyborg and Richard? It merely took a single command, did it not?"
"… Yes. It did."
"So then there is not a problem, correct?"
Raven couldn't come up with a logical response that would discourage the alien. "I suppose you're right."
"And you will take me with you to visit Hell?"
"Um …" she thought it over for a few moments and shrugged. "… okay. Sure. Why not."
Terra was trotting toward the kitchen to get herself another Monster and caught the tail end of the conversation. She skidded to a halt. "Whoa. Rae, you plannin' to drop down to the ol' homestead today?"
"That is the plan I suppose."
"Cool. Can I come?"
Raven developed an incredulous grin. "Seriously? You've gone off the deep end, too?"
"What deep end? It'll be safe, right? I mean, you're large and in charge there, right? Queen of Hell and all that?"
Changeling had noted the absence of his lover and followed her over. "Wait, what? Queen of … oh! You mean Rae." He stared keenly at the empath for a few seconds. "Yeah, she is, ain't she?"
Nightwing was shaking his head. "Guys, you're looking at this thing like it's some kind of lark. Trust me, Hell is no joke. Been there, done that, got the burn scars to prove it."
"But we'd get the fifty-cent guided tour!" objected Changeling.
"Yeah, you had to fight stuff last time," agreed Terra. "This time we're goin' on Rae's coattails, so to speak. What could possibly go wrong?"
Nightwing face-palmed. "You just had to say that, didn't you?"
"Where we goin"?" asked Cyborg, coming up behind Terra.
Raven shook her head. "Apparently the kindergarten class is going on a field trip to Hell."
"Sign me up," he said, raising a hand.
Nightwing put a possessive arm around Starfire's waist. "Well, I'm not about to be left here by myself. Somebody with a modicum of sense needs to be there, if only to protect you lot from yourselves."
That pulled a long-suffering, heartfelt sigh from the dark girl. "Whatever. Just … yeah, whatever." She pointed at the group. "Stay right here, okay?"
They clamored their assent (everyone but Nightwing, who sported a scowl) and Raven backed away several steps, placed her fingertips against her temples, and concentrated.
In an eldritch cloud of sulfurous smoke, Glitch appeared in the space between them. He was bent over one of his feet, applying what looked like black lacquer to one of his toe-claws with a tiny brush. One was already black. The others were a pale fuchsia color. He looked up, blinking at the group, then hastily swept the polish into a dimensional rift and stood. He was wearing a long, black cape in addition to his kilt and bow tie, and it hid his feet. His face twisting up into the sourest of lemony snarls, he intoned, "Yes, Dread Lady? How may I serve?"
She stared at him in bemused disbelief. "… Were you painting your nails?"
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
Terra said, "He was totally painting his toenails."
"I … Was … Not."
"I can smell the acetone. That's totally nail polish."
"I'VE GOT CLAW FUNGUS, OKAY?!" he roared, looming over the blond. "IT'S A FUNGAL TREATMENT!"
"Eep!" She shrank visibly and scooted around behind Changeling. "Sure. Whatever you say."
Whipping back around to Raven, he bowed low. "Apologies, Dread Lady. I am here at your summons."
She successfully repressed a snicker and schooled her features. "Glitch, I have decided to make my first visit to Hell."
"… Today?"
"Yes."
"Ah … very well. Ah, I … will just, ah … go on ahead and, ah, prepare … um …"
"Glitch?"
"Yes, Dread Lady?"
"I'd like to leave now."
"… Now? As in, within the hour?" he asked hopefully.
"As in, within the next few seconds."
"… um …"
"Glitch, is there some compelling reason for you not to want me in Hell right now?"
"No!
"Then let's be off."
"Ah … well … as to that …"
She sighed. Again. "If it's not the Titans, it's the demons." Placing her hands on her hips, she … grew a bit until she was significantly larger than Glitch. Two extra eyes appeared on her forehead, red to match the ones glowing in the place of her usual purple, and a pair of long, needle-sharp fangs protruded from her lower jaw. In a deep, hollow, sepulchral voice, she said, "Glitch … you wouldn't lie to me, would you?"
"No, Dread Lady!"
"Is there some reason, then, that you don't want me in Hell at just this particular moment?"
"You are welcome in Hell any time you wish, Dread Lady!"
"Then let's go."
"Yes, Dread Lady!"
There was an instant of disorientation, then the group found itself standing on a blasted waste of black sand. Jagged rocks lifted to the sky here and there, casting stark shadows in the harsh, red light. Dark ash in a continuous fall was coating the near surfaces, but apparently sublimating about as quickly. On the horizon, three volcanoes spewed lava and hot gasses into the stifling air.
"Well," opined Terra, "this ain't so bad, now, is it?"
Her lover gave her a look of complete disbelief.
"There's lots of rock and dirt and stuff. I won't have to walk." So saying, she exercised her power … and nothing happened.
"This is hellstone," explained Glitch, "not earth or rock. You won't be able to affect it."
She muttered, "Well, crap."
Raven turned to her right-hand imp. "It all looks about the way I thought it would. Why were you so hesitant?"
"… um …"
There was a sudden explosion in the distance, followed by the sound of massive applause, hoots, whistles, and yells. When a heavy bass rhythm started thumping, Glitch groaned and put a hand to his forehead.
With a nudge of her will, the group was enclosed in one of Raven's soul-self spheres, and they took off in that direction at a frightful rate of speed. Very soon they came to a sort of natural amphitheater which was simply stuffed with what looked to be at least fifty thousand dancing demons. A half dozen of them were ranged around a huge sound board that fronted some truly gargantuan speakers, and one was working a turntable.
"Huh," observed Cyborg. "Slayer. That's kind of … appropriate."
Raven looked at him. "Slayer?"
"The band." He pointed at the demon DJs. "Slayer. It's a death metal band."
"Funny name for a band." She listened to the lyrics for half a minute. "Seems about right for Hell, though. What's this song called?"
"World Painted Blood."
Little yellow beads of molten sulfur were popping out along Glitch's hairline and dripping down his face. "Dread Lady … I can explain."
She cocked an eyebrow at him. "Explain what?"
He used a shaky arm to indicate the Brobdingnagian mosh pit.
"It sort of … just … happened."
"… What did?"
"This!"
"I'm afraid I don't follow."
"The, ah … breakdown of discipline."
"Discipline."
"Yes, Dread Lady."
She looked at the myriads of gyrating beings. "So you're telling me this isn't normal?"
That question obviously caught him off guard. He looked like he was thinking so hard his brain was about to start smoking. "Ah … I'm, ah … not quite sure what you mean by 'normal', Dread Lady."
"Well, okay, then. Let's go about this logically."
"Yes, very good, Dread Lady!"
"How long have you been a denizen of Hell?"
"How … um, well, for quite some millennia."
"Good. Now, go back, oh, three hundred … wait, no. Go back, say, three thousand months. Can you remember that far back?"
"Oh, assuredly, Dread Lady!"
"Terrific. Now," she said, pointing at the dancers, "would this have taken place at that time?"
"… um …"
"Anywhere in Hell?"
"Ah … well … I would have to say not."
"And why not?"
"… Your Father didn't approve of it."
"Ah-ha!" She stuck a finger in the air. "Now we come to the meat of the issue."
Glitch cringed when she said 'meat'.
"Dear Ol' Dad didn't like dancing?"
"No, Dread Lady."
"Didn't he pretty much squash everyone else around him consistently?"
"That he did, Dread Lady."
"I see." She folded her arms across her chest. "Glitch, you know that I defeated and destroyed my Father, correct?"
"Oh, yes, Dread Lady!"
"Are you also aware that he and I had some rather severe differences of opinion about how the universe ought to be run?"
"Of … course?"
She smirked at him. "Is that a question?"
"Um, no … yes? I, uh, don't …" The sulfur-sweat was just pouring off him now.
Giving his head a brief pat, she said, "You thought I'd be upset that the demons are having fun, didn't you?"
"… You are not?"
"No. Why would I care? I've never met them before. I didn't have a clue how Hell was actually run, or what you considered normal. And for the record, I don't go out of my way to make anyone uncomfortable … unless he pisses me off."
Relief radiated off the imp in waves as he practically sagged. "I see, Dread Lady."
"I'm sure you do."
Terra said, "Incoming!"
They all looked up as a large gaggle of succubi flew up and hovered in front of the sphere. One of them darted forward and stared intently at Raven. Then her eyes got wide, her smile showed all her sharp teeth, and she whirled back to the group of demons. "It IS her!"
A very loud collective SQUEEEEE! resounded as the succubi whirled madly around the visitors. The one who had identified Raven came up to the ball and produced a large book. She opened it to the middle and gave the empath a very hopeful gaze.
Raven was confused. "What is your name, child?"
"Temptora, Dread Lady!"
"And what are you … all of you … doing?"
The succubus looked as if she was about to faint from excitement. "We're your fan club!"
"… What?"
"Can I have your autograph for my scrapbook?" Temptora flipped the book around so Raven could see it. The pages were filled with magical pictures of her in various battles, with most of them revolving around her defeat of Trigon.
Glitch was trying to apologize for the succubus, but Raven shushed him. Using her power, she brought the book into the sphere, looked through it briefly, and then conjured a pen to write her name and a short dedication. Snapping it closed, she shoved it back into the girl's arms. "There. Now, scoot."
The whirl of wildly squealing demons vanished back into the general mayhem below.
"Glitch?"
A very cowed imp looked up at his mistress.
"Is there anything else you'd like to get off your chest?"
He struggled with himself for a moment, then sighed. "I should probably make a list."
"Yes, you should."
He took out his notebook and a pen.
Starfire offered, "Raven, I do believe that this new experience has thus far been most pleasant."
"Eh. Could have been worse."
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Author's Note: Further explorations of Hell to come. Eventually.
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