"Captain Kirk, you may show me what you feel you must."
Remembering how shattered Spock was Kirk tried to control his emotions as he went back to when he had first seen Officer Bennet. There had been almost an immediate attraction to the woman. She was not only intelligent but was very good looking. He had heard Spock whisper to him not to get involved but those hazel eyes and inviting smile seemed to erase all logic. Several times Spock had made reference to the allowances he had allowed her on the ship and she had commented to him when Spock had walked away that she was surprised he allowed his First Officer to speak like that, to questions his decision. Even over the quiet drinks and meals they had shared she had commented on the roles of a First Officer and how he was allowing his First Officer too much leeway and how his First Officer was too involved in his private life. He had trusted her and had felt comfortable around her.
It had bothered him that Spock had questioned him in front of her and when he had made the comment about her sitting in the command seat he had verbally lashed out. Only now, in the meld, did he see what the others had seen, he saw how his words shocked his Vulcan friend to his core. When Bones had let him hear the recording he had not seen Spock's reaction but this, this was almost more than he could bear. After his tirade they had not spoken. The one time they had been on the bridge together was just before the bombs exploded. He had returned from seeing Captain Kupe and Officer Bennet of the ship. Spock had been at his station and had started to leave when the explosion occurred. He could not recall the explosions only the pain. He had no real recollection till he woke up in Sickbay and McCoy had told him of the incident. He showed Spock how sure he was that the Vulcan had been in command of the ship, had been overseeing repairs. H had been so sure that he had not even asked. And then the anger he felt at himself and those who would not let him see Spock. Most of the anger was directed at himself. For Spock to ask for a severance, ask of all that they had to be removed from his mind, showed ow deeply he had hurt his best friend. He wondered how he could live knowing what he had done to the one being who meant more to him than his own life.
For a moment Jim Kirk found himself sitting totally numbed by what he had seen in the meld, what he had felt, what he had been made to remember, and knew he had shown Spock what he had to see and know.
Perhaps three minutes later, still with his fingers in the correct positions, Kirk felt his mind being slowly and carefully taken back to when he had first seen First Officer Bennet and Spock had told him not to get involved, he had seen how Spock had noticed the change in his breathing and posture that clearly indicated to him how his hormonal Human Captain was attracted to the woman. This was still just his thoughts although he had some faint echoes of the sensations Spock had felt. Then when Spock had voiced his concern about how he had allowed Bennet to freely walk about the ship which was something he had never done before and then when Spock had questioned him about letting her sit in the Command Chair and how almost violently he had reacted. He felt a very muted version of the hurt and betrayal that Spock had felt but would never admit to. He now realized all those cups of coffee and the meals she had brought to him had been laced with the drugs McCoy found in his system, drugs that driven him to say what he had. Neither he nor Spock knew of it at the time and he saw how Spock had gone about his role in a distant way, trying to shield himself against the hostile emotions he felt coming from his Captain.
The images he was seeing were his and Spock's for he saw how the three explosions on the Bridge had caused the injuries to the others and how Spock had taken them off the bridge then returned to carry him to Sickbay. How Spock had placed him on the table for McCoy before going to Engineering despite McCoy's protests that he needed attention. Saw and heard how he had ordered Scotty and the officers with him immediately leave Engineering and take command of the ship from auxiliary as he found and defused all but two of the bombs Bennet had planted and had secured the doors from the inside and used his Vulcan strength to move items and equipment so that the blast was better contained and limited to extent of damage to the ship. He sensed how Spock's last conscious thought had been that he had saved Jim and his shipmates, that Jim was safe and the others would help him. There had been a flash of staggering physical pain when the bombs exploded. Then noting but physical and mental pain. An vague awareness of Scotty awkwardly carrying him to Sickbay. After that just confusion and what he had said repeated, constantly repeated, "You are to stay the hell out of my private life." Spock knowing that the only way he could live would be to have that and all he thought of him as a friend removed, the severance. The deep mental agony of seeing Jim Kirk not as a friend but only as his commanding officer was too much. He could not, would not stay where he was constantly reminded of what was once the most important thing in his life, the friendship he shared with James Tiberius Kirk, was gone. He could no longer look at Captain James T. Kirk and not experience great pain. He could not think of James Kirk and not experience the pain of loss. He needed severance. Severance. "You are to stay the hell out of my private life." Need severance. Need Jim gone forever. Severance. "You are to stay the hell out of my private life." Need severance. Need Jim gone forever. Need severance. Need Jim gone forever.
Need Jim gone forever. Kirk started to nod. Now he understood. He wished Spock could somehow understand and that all the gods knew how he would give anything not to have caused his friend so much pain. While so many times before he had said things to Spock that were derogatory in front of others there had always been that silent understanding they shared that had allowed for such actions but this, this had been different. All those other times he had given Spock an indication that he was not being serious but with what he had said to him on the bridge, it had been clear that it was what he felt and meant. He understood why Spock would seen severance from him and yet he could not, knew he would not grant the severance as, while his Vulcan friend may not want to remember what they meant to one another, what they mean to one another, he knew his life would have no meaning without him as he was. Was. Was.
Kirk found himself pulled away from Spock and saw Healer T'Tonan standing beside Spock who had curled into what Kirk realized was called a fetal position and just repeating, "Need severance. Need Jim gone forever. Need severance. Need Jim gone forever." in a desperate, almost pleading voice.
He felt two strong hands gripping his upper arms and turned to see two blue eyes seeming to bore into him, "Jim, what the hell just happened? It looked like you two had almost come to an agreement as you started to nod and then Spock started talking as he still is. Your and his readings went crazy, dangerously crazy. Do you realize what you have done? What happened?"
Kirk closed his eyes. He did not want to talk about what he had seen, what he was thinking. All he could do was shake his head.
McCoy actually shook him and yelled at him, "Jim, what the hell have you done? What did you do to him? Jim, answer me. What,"