Hey everyone… it's been a while I know. I have plenty of excuses, mainly to do with other commitments in my life… but to be completely honest I just have a major writers block at the moment, so I'm going to try my best to get this story going again, adding some plot and whatnot… and fixing some continuity errors I discovered a couple chapters back, ah, writing can be such an annoyance…
Anywho, enjoy the chapter!
Warnings in General: Homosexual relationships, multiple pairings (SSxJP, SSxSB & SSxLM), Crack moments, slight OOC? And MAYBE DESCRIPTIVE SEX LATER IN STORY, YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.
Warnings this Chapter: Some heavy snogging, emotional shit as usual, Sirius Black, Snape hating himself yet again
Chapter thirteen – I believe you
The whole incident with Lucius leaves me in shock, even worse is the fact Lucius soon gave me space as soon as he knew I was okay. The blonde Slytherin confusing me… is it possible for someone to change so much within a short period? Why has Lucius changed his tactics?
Has Lucius finally realized his pompous and quite arrogant attitude wouldn't work with me? Or has he finally grown up?
I didn't really want to think about it too much, so instead, I begin making my way to my next lesson, the last before lunch period begins.
Finally entering the Dungeons, I spot Lily by our Potion's classroom door. It seemed our lesson wasn't starting yet as the large oak door was closed- students milling around, waiting for Slughorn to appear.
"Sev!" Lily greets me cheerfully, giving me a hug as I approach her. I give her a tight lipped smile, returning her hug briefly. It doesn't pass our attention that a few nearby students are currently giving me glares and whispering quietly… most likely about me.
"Ignore them," Lily states simply, turning to give some of the students a glare. Shutting most of them up, no one in their right mind would anger Lily Evans.
"Thanks," I say quietly, glad to have her support. I wouldn't know what I'd do without her…
"What's bothering you Sev?" Lily asks after a short pause, her green eyes studying me closely. "I can tell something is up…"
Deciding to be truthful for once, I shrug minutely, "It's nothing really Lil'… just some stupid arseholes saying stuff… about the whole situation."
"Ignore them," Lily suggests, putting a comforting hand on my shoulder. Her eyes screamed fury and pain for those bullies though. "Do you know their names?"
I can't help but chuckle fondly at Lily's question, I shake my head, "No idea, and look, I'm fine, I can handle myself… and it's not like no one helped me…"
"If you're sure," Lily sighs, but her interest perked at my choice of words. "Someone helped you?"
"Well…" Biting my lip, I watch for Lily's reaction, "…Malfoy-"
"Malfoy!?" Lily gasps quietly, but quickly quietened at my sharp look.
"Yes, Malfoy," I nod, fidgeting with my hands to distract myself from Lily's look, "He's been strangely nice recently, and protective… I'm not too sure what to make of it really."
"Malfoy, nice and protective?" Lily repeats, looking confused herself. "I can't quite believe it either Sev, this was the pompous git who nearly forced himself on you…"
"I know, I know…" Sighing, I lean against the dungeon wall- surveying our surroundings in thought. "It's confused me so much, how he's suddenly changed. It makes no sense whatsoever."
Lily is about to reply, an incredulous expression on her face, but the Dungeon door beside us swings open suddenly, Slughorn peering his head out with a smile. He gestures for the students to enter.
"Come in now, come on," Slughorn cheerily says as everyone trails into the Potions classroom. "We've got potions to make!"
How that man could be so cheery every lesson I did not know… as I pass Slughorn, our eyes briefly meet, and I have to bite down the frustration and even anger as his expression falters and dampens… it seems the Professors are still convinced of me being the perpetrator of the potion incident. Scoffing quietly, I take my seat next to Lily, prepared for the usually interesting lesson to drag…
"Sev?" Lily's voice breaks me out of my daze, looking up- I realize that the lesson ended already, my body went on auto-pilot, potions a second-nature. Lily standing beside me expectantly, looking slightly worried at my behaviour.
"Oh… yeah, sorry, I'm coming," Standing up, I follow my bestfriend, finally glad to be out of the unusually stuffy classroom… away from Slughorn's judging gaze. However, I can feel Lily's concerned gaze on me, searing through me.
"Are you sure you're alright, Severus?" Lily asks, using my full name in a show of her serious concern. "You've been like this for a few days now, blanking out… not paying attention in lessons, you usually pay attention to school… but… you're not bothering anymore, I'm worried for you Sev."
I look down in shame, feeling guilty at making Lily worry… she's my bestfriend, I shouldn't be making her feel bad.
"Sorry Lily," I sigh, forcing a small smile on my face to reassure her. "With everything going on I've not paid much attention…"
"I understand," Lily nods, a gentle smile on her face, trying to reassure me as well. "I can see how this whole messed up situation could do that…"
Nodding, I stay quiet; Lily senses this and is silent as well. We walk slowly and it's peaceful. I'm not that hungry and I voice this quietly.
"We can sit at our usual spot, outside," Lily softly suggests in response, leading me in the direction, towards the Great Lake. I give Lily a thankful smile… I didn't really want to go into the Great Hall, where I'd get many glares and looks. Lily must've sensed this since the rumours and speculation began.
Lily reaches the oak tree before me, gracefully sitting down and patting the thankfully dry and soft grass beside her. With a quiet chuckle I sit beside Lily, leaning back against the strong tree, almost closing my eyes as I let out a relaxed sigh, the fresh and cool air very welcoming in contrast to the stuffy castle…
Lily and I sit in companionable silence for a few minutes, the quiet leaving me to my thoughts… a chance to gather my mind back together…
So, James, Sirius and Lucius claim to love me… and no matter how much I might deny it, I am not completely against their attentions. I don't know what that makes me but it's not very important to dwell on… I already knew before that I was a detestable human being- no thanks to my Father…
Poor Mother, why won't she just leave him? Her sentiment makes her weak… makes her stay with that bastard… even when he began his abuse on me she's determined to stay.
Great, what do I do now? I'm conflicted by those three and it doesn't help that I constantly have to worry about whether my Mother is breathing right now… and what of Lily, my long time crush on her, just gone? It makes no sense…
Pulling myself out of my dark thoughts, my eyes glance towards Lily, watching her silently as she gazed out to the lake. As if sensing my staring, Lily turns to me, a questioning look in her green eyes.
"What should I do?" I ask, my voice coming out more broken than expected. Lily looks at me with wide eyes, seeming to understand what I meant.
"You have to choose," Lily gently says, grabbing my hand and squeezing tightly. "You have to make a decision, right? So what will you do? Severus?"
"I… Lily…" I say, internally struggling with myself. Before I could burst with the sudden pressure, a shadow comes up from behind us, a cheery voice breaks through my internal meltdown.
"Hey Lily!" It's Mary, one of Lily's friends from that group… the other three girls behind her. Lily seems to break out of her own daze at the greeting, sending a bright smile to her friends.
"Hey girls," Lily says, sending me a concerned glance before patting the ground beside them. "Want to sit with us?"
"Sure thing," One of the other girls says happily- it was Renee, Severus remembered- Renee, Mary, Joanne and Emily gladly sat next to them, the group looking between themselves before turning to me.
"Hi Severus," It's Emily who talks to me first, getting my attention. I look warily at her, still not used to the friendliness of the group… after all, Lily's friends usually hate me. "You alright?"
"Yes, I suppose…" I reply with a small shrug, Emily seems content with my answer by the look of her bright smile.
What's weirder is that the four girls give eachother a knowing look, as if communicating silently, Lily looking on with a slightly red expression. Their behaviour extremely strange… what is going on?
I turn to Lily to ask what they weren't telling me- it certainly feels like they are hiding something. But Mary interrupts before I can ask.
"So, Severus," Mary smirks, a mischievous look in her eyes. "Do you have a girlfriend?"
"Mary?" Lily says quickly, sending the girl a look as if to say 'shut up'. Mary waves her off, looking at me with an expecting expression.
"No…" I say, feeling on guard for some strange reason. The group of girls giggling amongst themselves at my answer…
"Boyfriend?" Joanne sniggers, Lily's face is bright red by now… and I can feel mine becoming so.
"Uhm- no… no of course not," I try to say quickly, but perhaps I said it too slowly or fast because the group of girls look at eachother with knowing expressions and giggles, Lily glaring at them slightly.
"Ahem, excuse me," Lily says, a very stern tone in her voice, the girls seem to shrink at her tone. I'm still trying to get the blush off my face.
"Sorry Lily," Emily mumbles, not looking very sorry though. Lily huffs, sending me an apologetic look… I just shrug.
It becomes a little awkward, the girls talking quietly between eachother while I sit there a spectator. I'm tempted to get up and leave- but another person approaches us.
Sirius Black loomed over us, I find myself not able to look at him for too long- his dark gaze entirely focused on me. The girls giggle even more.
"Hey Sirius," Mary says, her voice all light and simpering. To my annoyance, her obvious flirting grates on my nerves, I want to hex her for daring to talk to Sirius like that…
Get over yourself, I think irately to myself, He's not your property…
"What did you want?" I find myself huffing, as Sirius opens his mouth to speak.
"I didn't see you in the Great Hall," Sirius says with a shrug, his lips quirking into a smirk. "So I wanted to find you."
To my complete embarrassment, Lily's friends begin to giggle, coo and 'aw' at that. Flushing scarlet, I stand up suddenly, grabbing Sirius' wrist and dragging him away from the group.
"Whoa," Sirius yelps, letting me drag him far from the oak tree, I don't stop until we reach the other side of the lake, and I don't realize how secluded the area is until Sirius opens his mouth again.
"If you wanted to snog you just had to ask…" Sirius chuckles, and dares to grab my sides, leaning forward and pressing against me, "I needed to speak to you… but we can do this first…"
As Sirius reaches to kiss me, I push his face away with a annoyed look.
"Can you stop for once!?" I hiss, still blushing terribly. "You're like a constantly horny dog!"
"Aw don't be like that babe…" Sirius sighs, and to my surprise fondly brushes my hair out of my face. "I knew you needed space so I gave you some… but I can't stay away any longer. You're all I think about Sev, it kills me to stay far from you…"
"I don't care," I cross my arms, looking away. His words were awfully sweet, but how could I ever believe them? "Just stop with the whole… public affection thing. People think I'm disgusting now, whispering horrible things…"
"Who cares what they think?" Sirius says as his gaze hardens, his hold on me tighter. "They're all bigoted idiots anyway, I have no shame about my honest love-"
"Honest love?" I interrupt, scoffing. Sirius looks at me confused, I shake my head with another sad chuckle. "There's nothing "honest" about it, stop being such a idiot-"
As I'm berating Sirius, his lips interrupt.
He kisses me so passionately that I can no longer think, his hand tangles in my hair and his other wraps around my body, pressing me to him so tightly it feels as if we will join together in one. My mind empties of everything, all my worries, all my guilt…
I want this so badly, please don't leave me…
Pressing forward boldly, I kiss Sirius back intensely, grabbing hold of every available part of him, I keen and make such embarrassing sounds… but Sirius seems to enjoy every single sound, small groans and gasps escaping him as well.
The way it's going, if it doesn't stop my- shameful dreams might become a reality…
"Sirius…" I groan out, trying to pull away but not wanting to. Sirius only responds in a questioning murmur. "I want this… but we have to… stop…"
Sirius pulls me in for another deep kiss, it lasts so long that I need air desperately. I could die like this.
Pulling away, Sirius looks at me with such an intense look that I feel my lower half twitch in utter need. I must look like a complete panting mess, but Sirius still looks at me like I'm the best thing he's ever witnessed, like I'm everything he's always wanted.
Reality hits me hard.
"Oh Merlin…" I gasp, about to pull away from Sirius' hold. He senses this, and hugs me tightly.
"Severus, calm down," Sirius says soothingly, rubbing circles into my back. "Stop panicking, just breathe…"
I listen to Sirius, taking deep breaths while I trembled in his arms. Why was I so weak… why did I take advantage so much?
"I'm a terrible person…" I whisper aloud, Sirius tightens his hold on me in response.
"No, you're not," Sirius says fervently, trying his best to console me. "Severus, you really aren't a bad person. Trust me… please?"
I shake my head, but stay in Sirius' arms. I was weak, I was a horrible person- my father was right.
I'm disgusting.
"I can't do this…" I sigh shakily, burrowing my face in Sirius' shoulder. "I want to… but it's so wrong…"
"I can't speak for you," Sirius says quietly, "But I can speak for myself- no matter how much you try to convince me otherwise. My feelings for you are genuine."
"No…" I gasp, struggling out of his grasp, "You can't, that's the potion speaking!"
At this point I'm crying, Sirius looks at me so fondly. It's wrong!
"No, it's not," Sirius said seriously, and for a moment I believed him. "I love you."
But who would love me, without some magical influence?
"Please, just move on," I beg, sobbing loudly at this point. "You can do so much better, I'm not what you need. I'm not what James or Lucius needs either… just please stop…"
"You don't mean that," Sirius points out, his expression stony. "I know you like me back… you wouldn't kiss me otherwise."
"It's not just you I like," I say quietly, balling my hands into fists. I look down with shame. "You deserve someone who loves you completely- not someone who loves three different people."
"You love me?" Sirius says, his expression growing hopeful. I regret speaking so openly, "Look, I know it isn't a normal situation… but I want you to be happy Sev. If that happiness is in an open relationship… then who am I to say you can't? As long as I'm with you in some way or the other, I don't care. I need you. I'll do anything to make you happy."
It is touching, really. I thought Sirius would just be flirty and interested in sex only… but he was so sweet.
It makes me feel sick, I don't deserve him, or James... even Lucius.
"Look," I sigh, wiping my tears- why do I let myself cry and be so weak lately? "I'm damaged. I have so much baggage-"
"So?" Sirius challenges, I continue, looking away sadly.
"I really can't do this now, I need to go to my lessons…" I sniffle pathetically, turning to leave, to run from my problems as per usual.
"Sev…"
My movements still, "Yes…?" I tentatively say.
"I'll never give up on you," Sirius states, sounding so completely sure of himself, that I don't know what to say for a moment.
"I…" Turning to face him with a sad smile, I nod.
"I believe you."
-x-
I was going to make this chapter longer but I thought this was a good enough way to leave it… considering my writer's block I didn't want to force too much.
HOPEFULLY I'll update soon, and with some plot too! By all means review your thoughts, and perhaps suggest some improvements or even plot! (writers block fucking sucksssss)