Trigger Warning: Eating Disorders
It starts as it always does, innocently, with a half-thought-out plan to lose the baby weight and look that little bit cuter for summer. She loves Ronan more than anything, but she hates the little roll of fat that puddles over her waistband and the little voice in her head that wonders aloud If Finnick was here, would he like what he sees? every time she steps in front of a mirror or catches her reflection in their sliding glass door.
Annie remembers the basics of nutrition from Training: lots of vegetables, only a few grains, not too much of anything. Add a bit of exercise, and it's foolproof.
Except when it's not. Yes, for a while, the pounds slide off, and she loves it when the lady who sells fresh fish next to the pier comments on how slim she' s been looking lately. It feels good to be in control of something, even if it is just what goes into her body and what number she sees on the scale. The padding around her stomach is almost gone, but it's not enough. Annie keeps doing what she's always been told, but her pants don't get any looser.
She finds herself eyeing the bottle of ipecac that Finnick hadn't thought she knew about. It's presence in the very back of their linen closet had been hard to miss, and his retching when he thought she couldn't hear had been even harder to ignore. Every time she pushes the towels out of the way to look at it, Annie remembers how much she hated that crystal-clear liquid, and it stays in the closet, untouched, for months. She doesn't throw it out. A part of her still thinks it's best to keep her options open.
Four cans of the sickeningly sweet Capitol diet drink a day, two pieces of toast, and eight carrots. That's enough for her. Soon, she loses one of the toast slices and replaces it with another can of cola, but it's still enough. Yes, sometimes her stomach cramps or she feels weak in the middle of the day, but it's nothing that a few minutes of sitting down and another half-can of diet cola can't fix. The regimen is almost like being back in Training again.
Ronan grows, beginning to lose his baby fat. She's lost hers as well, and it becomes difficult to balance her toddler on her now-bony hips. It's harder to keep up with him when they run down to the beach, but she tells herself that it's just him getting bigger. Of course it is. What else could it be?
She doesn't faint for the first time until she forgets to eat for an entire day. At least, she tells herself htat she forgot. It's easy to not remember breakfast or lunch when there's a baby to take care of, but she doesn't have an excuse for dinner. The little voice comes out again to whisper you just wanted to see if you could do it, but she hushes it. Annie's a busy woman now. There's no time to wonder or worry about little thinks like that. She'll just remember to drink some more cola tomorrow. Easy fixes are so often the best.
"Mrs. Odair, are you all right?"
She's instantly on edge. None of her appointments during her pregnancy started this way, and Katniss' mother has never seemed so worried. Annie pushes her unease away and smiles back at the nurse. "Yes, I'm fine." Ronan squirms on her lap, just as uncomfortable as she is to be in the doctor's office, but he needs his vaccines and a quick checkup, so she doesn't give in and let him go.
The woman meets her eyes. "You seem to have been losing quite a bit of weight recently."
"Trying to keep up with this one takes a lot out of me." It's hard to maintain her smile when she feels like she's being accused of something terrible. Why can't she just mind her own business and get on with this appointment?
"Have you had a physical recently?"
She has to shake her head.
"Would you like to schedule one?" Eileen Everdeen's voice makes it seem more an order than a question.
"I suppose it can't hurt." There's no reason to dread an appointment, she tells herself. The voice has other opinions. Oh, Annie, you should know better.
"Let's see how Ronan is doing." With the nurse's attention turned to the baby, Annie finally feels like she can breathe again.
"I'm worried about you, Annie. If you keep on the track you're on, I think there will come a point where you won't be able to take care of your son."
His words hit her with more force than a physical blow. He'll take your baby away from you. They didn't think you were good enough for Finnick, and now they don't think you'll be good enough for Ronan. "I… I just want to be a good mother."
The doctor has a kind face, a bit like her grandmother's, and Annie doesn't mind when the woman moves to sit closer to her. "You need to take care of yourself so that you can do a good job taking care of Ronan, and a big part of that is making sure that you're eating enough."
"I'll try."
"Start with little steps. You're lucky – you're not as far gone as a lot of the patients I see with this kind of thing." See, you'll be fine. "Annie, I watched you claw your way out of the Arena. I know you're a fighter, and you'll fight to stay alive. You can do it."
At least someone has some faith in her. Her first thought is that this has lasted her this long and why shouldn't it continue to work, but she can't risk losing Ronan. She just can't.
"What do I need to do?"
Tonight, for the first time in months, she's back to ten carrots and a slice of toast. It's… well, it's not good, but it isn't bad either. She tries not to think about it too much.
She doesn't feel better the next morning. That night's dinner consists of ten carrots and a slice and a half of toast. Her plan for the next day says that she'll start eating grapes as well. Maybe the variety will do her some good.
It takes a while, and there are certainly some bumps in the weeks that follow, but it does get better. Her cheeks don't look sunken. She hadn't noticed how dull her skin and eyes had become, but Annie is very pleased with their newfound brightness. Ronan still beats her when they race, but it's closer, and now, she can honestly blame it on Ronan's inherited athleticism more than any of her own shortcomings.
It gets easier, but it's always hard, and Annie guesses that it always will be. Eventually, the doctor leaves her with a checklist of the different amounts of vitamins and nutrients, as well as calories, that she should be getting every day. She follows it even more religiously than her old, self-inflicted punishment. The regimen is good. It gives her something to hold onto, and maybe that's all she was really looking for in the first place.
A/N: Thanks for reading, and to everyone who has reviewed, followed, or favorited! I've had a couple requests for a sequel to Summertime, so I do think I'll be posting something from that universe somewhat soon. Thanks again, and I really hope you've been enjoying these so far! I can't believe I've written almost forty of these little oneshots. This chapter was written using the C/P prompt slim.