I f Y o u C o u l d S e e I n t o M y S o u l

Chapter 4 - Where Does The Good Go

E d w a r d ' s P O V

Three things happened in the span of a month.

The first, which was probably the hardest thing to handle for everyone, - other than Alice, Jacob, and Leah - was Bella and Sage getting back together. It happened only a week and a half after they had broken up. Sage showed up on her doorstep, eyes rimmed red, giving her some sob story about how he couldn't bear to live another second knowing that she was upset with him. The rest of us had been furious, and tried to talk her out of it, but she would have no part in any of what we said.

The second thing, which would have gone completely unnoticed had Alice not thrown a fit, was Bella and Cailee moving back home. Alice pleaded, and yelled, and threw more than one tantrum to get her to stay. Needless to say, it didn't work and Bella and Cailee went home. It had made Cailee exceedingly happy, but unfortunately buried Bella deeper within herself.

The third, while not affecting anyone other than Bella directly, affected us by the way she acted. It seems that Cailee had become increasingly difficult. She was no longer the cute little girl that we had all unintentionally fallen in love with, but, in Bella's words, had become 'the spawn of Satan.' There was little that Bella could do anymore that wouldn't result in a temper tantrum, or a screaming match. Whatever Bella said, Cailee would respond by buckling her knees, falling to the ground with her head thrown back, and screaming. It didn't help at all that Charlie only blamed Bella for this change, and didn't nothing to stop it.

Today was Saturday, and also Alice and Bella's annual Halloween party. Alice claimed it was perfect timing, because everyone needed some 'cool-off time' from the previous month. She was met with little resistance at the mention of the party, other than a few complaints Bella threw in.

Alice had just rolled her eyes and sighed, placing her hands on her tiny waist. "Bella, it couldn't be our annual Halloween party if you didn't host with me, could it?"

Alice had acted like she was waiting patiently for a reply, but showed no genuine surprise when Bella had conceded, grumbling about being able to pick out her own costume this year. Alice made no promises.

I was on Bella pick-up duty, as I had been for a while now due to complications with her car. I didn't mind at all. In fact, I found that I liked spending time with her. Maybe I was just a masochist, but I was determined to remain friends with her, despite the growing feelings I had towards her.

As I pulled into the driveway, I noticed a few things. One, Charlie wasn't home. This didn't surprise me in the slightest, but I was, however, surprised by the spark of anger it ignited in me. The second being that the house was almost entirely dark, even in the early evening. And third, when I cut the engine, it was entirely quiet. Almost eerie in the absence of sound. Very fitting, I thought, with it being Halloween.

I knocked softly on the dark wood of the door, then quickly buried my hands in my pockets. For some reason, picking her up made me nervous. Not in a bad way, but in the way you feel nervous picking up the beautiful girl for your first date. Yeah, that kind of nervous.

It was, of course, entirely ridiculous to feel this way. The only feelings we shared for each other were ones of friendship. And that was fine. That was good. It's good. It's good. It's goooood. I mentally groaned and rolled my eyes. Now was not the time to do a Jim Carrey impersonation.

"It's open," her soft voice called from somewhere inside the house, and I tentatively twisted the handle and stepped inside, while mentally chastising her for leaving the front door unlocked.

I followed the soft sound of music to the dimly lit kitchen, illuminated only by a small light over the sink. Bella was humming softly to the music, working slowly around the kitchen. Her hair, rather than just wavy, was in perfect spiral curls, falling over her shoulders, the sides pinned back.

"Hey," I said quietly, propping myself up against the doorjamb.

"Hey yourself," she said with a small smile over her shoulder.

I wanted to kiss her. There was no doubt about it as I stared at her soft pink lips. She was, without doubt, the sexiest woman I had ever seen. But there was also an effortless beauty that she exuded. I shifted my eyes to the floor, resisting the urge to sweep her hair over her shoulder and kiss the soft, exposed skin of her shoulder.

Removing my eyes from those shiny fucking curls, and soft shoulder, I saw perhaps the shortest pair of shorts. Ever. I was thoroughly convinced she was trying to kill me now. But the way she wore them wasn't in an 'I'm sexy and I know it way' it was more of a 'These shorts are damn comfortable, so fuck what you think, I'm going to wear them anyway.'

"Laser vision still not workin', there, Edward?" she wondered, her voice forcing me out of my stare. A delicious blush settled along the apples of her cheeks and she shuffled her feet in embarrassment as she turned to find my eyes locked on her ass.

I gave her a crooked smile and looked up at her from under my lashes. Her bottom lip became firmly wedged in her teeth as she regarded me. "Please forgive me for staring, I don't know where my manners went."

Why try to lie? There was sexual attraction between the two of us and anyone with half of a brain could tell. She snorted and my smile grew at the sound. She turned around with a shake of her head, though she was smiling.

The back door slammed shut and Cailee skipped into the kitchen, a bright smile on her face, her muddy shoes leaving smudges on the wood floors. She dropped her jacket on the floor and kicked her shoes off, leaving them in a muddy heap in the middle of the floor. From the corner of my eye, I watched as Bella tensed, her jaw clenching, and what the fuck is that? Her fucking eye twitched. She took a deep steadying breath and moved to the mass of dirty clothing on the floor. With a very pointed look in Cailee's direction, Bella hung the jacket on a hook and placed the shoes just outside the back door.

Cailee didn't get it.

"Belly," she whined, dropping her head dramatically on her folded arms, "I'm hungry."

"Cailee," Bella returned in an equally whiney voice with an eye roll, "don't be rude. Say hi to Edward."

Her blue eyes briefly flickered towards my face, as she mumbled, "Hi Eddard," before unleashing that whine on Bella again. "I'm really hungry, Bella. Where's dinner?"

"Cailee," Bella snapped, her hands freezing in their movements, her shoulders tense and eyes closed tightly, "I'm working on it, alright? Find something to do until it's ready. Why don't you go get your costume on?'

Cailee sighed dramatically and jumped out of her chair, dragging her feet as she made her way to the stairs. She stuck her tongue out at Bella before promptly stomping upstairs.

Bella groaned tiredly and rubbed her palms into her eyes before pulling them back sharply with a quiet curse, forgetting about her makeup. She muttered something under her breath, washed her hands, and placed a small pot of something on the stove.

"I'm sorry about that," she murmured, twisting the knob on the stove, waiting for it to catch. She turned to me once it did, her eyes downcast, almost ashamed and entirely defeated. She turned and disappeared up the stairs before I had a chance to say anything.

I wasn't entirely sure what I should have said, or why she was apologizing in the first place. It wasn't her fault Cailee was acting that way, and I knew that if I were in her position, I wouldn't have been able to stay as calm as she did.

There was a sudden bang upstairs and the angry pounding of feet across the floor. "Damn it, Cailee!" There were more words, but they were undecipherable as Cailee began to scream at the top of her lungs.

Bella stopped talking and the screaming quickly followed suit. "I'm telling dad!"

"Fucking tell dad, I don't give a shit!" There was another bang and then another and then music floated down the stairs.

I huffed out a breath and ran a hand through my hair, wishing I had my fucking cigarettes. But dad had not been pleased when he found them - again. Fuck him, though, 'cause those things kept me calm as fuck, and without them I was not a nice person. Even the cat and dog were looking at me helplessly.

Cailee was the first to come downstairs. She was a ladybug, her dress red with black polka dots. She wore black leggings as well, and black Mary Jane shoes. She would have been cute if she wasn't scowling at everything.

She dropped herself into a chair at the kitchen table, continuing to glare. She kicked her legs sullenly, her shoes dinging against the metal bar holding the table up. I did notice, however, that she stiffened when she heard Bella coming down the stairs.

Bella was one pissed off Red Riding Hood, and I did my best to ignore the fact that if she bent over, her ass would be on display. I pushed away the mental image of those heels digging into my ass as I worked her over. God damn. That was the shortest fucking skirt I'd ever seen. But at the same time, it didn't look trashy. Bella still kept her dignity wearing that scrap of material.

She threw a pack of cigarettes at me and I quirked a brow as I caught them. "What the hell am I supposed to do with these?"

She turned her back to me as she began running a brush through Cailee's hair, separating it into two sections to make pigtails. With one hand, she gestured down the front of her, my eyes lingering on her long legs for a fraction too long. "Where would you like me to put them?"

I smirked and muttered lowly, "You don't want me to answer that."

Ignoring me, she put together a plate of macaroni and cheese and beckoned me to follow her upstairs. I tried like hell to keep my eyes away from her ass, but damnit, I am a man. She closed her door behind me and walked across the room to open her window. Swinging one leg out, she grabbed onto my shirt and forced me out of the window, after her.

It was cold as fuck, but if she could sit there in that short ass skirt, then I'd be fine in jeans and a leather jacket. I passed her a cigarette silently and took one for myself, lighting up before passing the lighter to her. I took a long drag and held it for a beat before blowing out a long line of smoke. Bella paid no attention to me and watched the fucker burn more than she sucked on it.

I took her in silently. She'd recently put red in her hair, under the brown, and there was one streak of blonde that ran down the side of her face. Her Monroe piercing sparkled in the sun and I wondered if she had gotten it done because she wanted to, or if Sage had wanted her to get it because he had two lip rings. She was also sporting a tattoo on her neck, though I didn't know what it was.

We were more alike than I had ever wanted to think, but we both had secrets as well. I had no clue what the hell happened to her mom, or what happened between her father and her. And I didn't even want to think about the fact that Cailee didn't look a thing like Charlie or Bella. I was all for the past staying dead and all that shit, but I needed to know her. I frowned and took another drag of my cigarette, realizing that I would never know her like I wanted to.

"What are you thinking about so hard over there?" Her soft voice interrupted my musings and I stubbed out my cigarette before I turned my head in her direction.

"What makes you think I'm thinking about anything?" I wondered, lifting a brow when she smirked at my convoluted sentence.

"You were tapping your tongue ring on your teeth. You do that when you're thinking about something," she answered easily, her lips wrapping around the butt of the cigarette slowly, her eyes watching me.

As if to prove her point I stuck it between my teeth like I usually did whenever someone mentioned it. I smirked a little as I watched her watching me, her eyes darkening as I drew it back in my mouth, smiling crookedly as she swallowed hard. She took a long drag from her cigarette before butting it out, wrapping her arms around her knees.

"Well you can't expect me to sit here and think about nothing," I finally answered, watching her shiver as a particularly cold breeze drifted over us.

She shrugged in response. "Which is why I asked you what you were thinking about."

What the hell was I supposed to tell her? That I was thinking about her? Yeah, it ain't happening. I hummed out a sigh and checked the time on my phone. She watched me carefully, probably knowing she wasn't going to get a response. "We should probably get going."

She nodded to herself and got to her feet, climbing back through the window and leaving her bedroom without waiting for me. I sighed and trailed behind her as she slung a backpack over her shoulder and grabbed a sweater from the hooks by the side door.

"Cailee, let's go," she called in the direction of the living room as she put away the leftover food and cleared the kitchen table. Cailee skipped into the room as if nothing had transpired between her and her sister earlier. She talked excitedly about trick or treating and Bella hummed quietly in response to her enthusiasm. She was still angry, that much was clear, but she wasn't dwelling on it.

We dropped Cailee off at her friend, Megan's house, and the expression on her mother's face when she saw Bella was priceless. Bella, however, was the picture of perfection. She was polite and caring and offered to give up her free time if anything should happen to Cailee. Cailee, who had disappeared inside the house the second the door opened, peeked around only to say goodbye to Bella before vanishing again.

Bella was not happy when she returned to the car, muttering under her breath in a mockery of the woman's voice. "Oh dear, you look cold. It's no problem at all watching Cailee, she's such a sweetheart. Please enjoy yourself, don't concern yourself with Cailee. She's perfectly safe."

She turned her ramblings on me. "What the hell does that even mean? Does she think Cailee's not safe with me? Damnit, I'm the only one that fucking takes care of her, of course she's safe with me. I look cold," she scoffed, lighting up a cigarette, "of course I'm fucking cold, it's October and I'm wearing a short ass skirt. Fucking judging me like she fucking knows me. God damn stupid people looking at me like I'm a fucking stereotype; fuck that! Just because I do what I want, I'm a bad person."

She huffed and wiped angrily at a tear. I'd learned fairly quickly that Bella cried when she was pissed, or not at all. Not even the time she accidentally cut her finger open slicing vegetables for dinner. The best thing to do when she was like that was just sit and listen to what she was saying. The only person who could comment and remain living was Alice. Rosalie had once said something and Bella had proceeded to tear her a new asshole. Admittedly, she was fucking livid, but it was hot as hell.

"I just want to get drunk and forget everything," she muttered, flicking her cigarette out the window as we pulled into Alice's drive.

Stupid me and my stupid fucking mouth. I should have just kept my mouth shut, but my own annoyance was growing. So instead, I noted dryly, "Sounds promising."

She whipped her head in my direction so fast she should have gotten whiplash. Her nostrils flared, her jaw clenched, and she swung the door open. "Fuck you," she spat, slamming the door hard behind her, rocking the car.

She disappeared inside Alice's house, slamming that door behind her as well. "Damnit," I groaned, dropping my head to the steering wheel, inadvertently laying on the horn. Just what I needed, her to be pissed off at me.

Stupid me and my stupid fucking mouth.

- - - - -
B e l l a ' s P O V
- - - - -

Who the hell did he think he was?

The question ran rampant through my mind as I made my way from room to room, trying desperately to remain upright through the swaying of bodies. The alcohol wasn't helping any, but I said I wanted to get drunk, and damnit, I fucking meant it.

Alice buzzed around the party like a, well, like a bee. Which was pretty fucking ironic considering that's what she decided to be this year. She even recruited Jasper, the gangster, to help her out. Even Rosalie and Emmett did their share, though they mostly dry humped against the wall. There wasn't much in the way of clothes between the two of them. Rosalie was a pin-up girl and Emmett was a fire fighter. Jacob and Leah had been invited, of course, but decided to hang at home.

Fuck, I knew there was a reason I loved my friends. They let me get wasted even though I was supposed to be helping Alice host this bitch of a party.

Speaking of Alice…. I latched on to one of her wings and used her to pull myself through the hoard of bodies. The contents of my cup sloshed dangerously close to the edge, so I brought it to my lips to catch any overflow.

She stopped in the less crowded kitchen and spun around quickly. Watching her made me dizzy, and I let go of her wing to stay upright. She took the cup from my hand and quickly downed the remainder of it's contents. Alice handed it off to Jasper who had materialized at her side and I laughed at the sight of the two of them. A bumble bee and a gangster.

I pouted when I realized my drink was now gone and sent a glare in Alice's direction. She met my gaze with clear, hazel eyes. I blinked three times in rapid succession when my vision blurred, and raised my hand to rub my eyes. Alice sighed in exasperation and smacked my hand away.

"Where's Sage?" I wondered loudly with a slight slur. I tilted slightly to the left and giggled down at my socked feet that refused to keep me upright.

A pair of hands grasped my shoulders and I turned slightly only to be met with emerald eyes. I frowned and shrugged out from his grasp. "I'm mad at you," I slurred, by way of explanation.

He sighed and barely contained an eye roll, but he did let me go. I shifted again, but tripped over a foot and landed on all fours with a thud. I turned over and covered my eyes, giggling like mad because it was damn funny. Apparently, Alice and the others didn't think so.

A pair of hands encircled my wrists and I was pulled to my feet and into Edward's chest, while I hung limp like a rag doll. Alice was hissing something at me, but I giggled, and shushed her with a finger to her lip. Well, more like up her nose, which made me laugh harder. She ordered Edward to take me upstairs, but I wasn't having that. As he began urging me forward, I dug my heels in and pushed back against him. I yelled obscenities at them and did the only thing I could think of.

I screamed for Sage.

Something flashed in Alice's eyes, and I screamed louder, refusing to admit to what I'd seen. But God damn, she just kept looking at me like that. I'd seen that look before and I'd kicked her ass because of it. Mother fuck, she was looking at me with pity. The last time she'd done that was when she'd told me about….

"No," I moaned, sinking to my knees, and dropping my head into my hands as I pushed the thought out of my head. People were starting to gather in and around the kitchen, trying to see what the hell was going on. It would have been nice to know myself. There was only one person I wanted, no, needed, to see, and he was nowhere in sight.

"Bella," Alice murmured as she kneeled in front of me. "You need to go upstairs and lie down for a while. You need to calm down and we'll talk when you can think a little more clearly."

Ignoring what she had just said, I whispered, "Is he cheating on me?"

Alice bit her lip and dropped her gaze to her hands resting in her lap. That was more than enough of an answer for me, but I needed to hear her say it. It didn't matter that it would tear my heart into more unrecognizable pieces; at this point it was beginning to resemble a puzzle, with no hope of it ever going back together.

"Bella," she said again, this time with a little more authority. "Go upstairs with Edward and -"

"Is he fucking cheating or not?" I demanded cutting her off. My chest heaved as my heart stood precariously close to the edge of heartbreak. Alice averted her gaze to Edward and my eyes inadvertently found his.

"Bella," Edward said this time, squatting down so he could whisper in my ear. I pushed him away and scrambled to my feet, shooting out of the room to the guest bedroom where it all happened. My throat seized up and my heart stopped beating as I paused outside the door.

There were noises coming from inside, unmistakable noises, and my head hit the door with a defeated thump. An arm encircled my waist, trying to pull me back, but I clung to the doorframe, refusing to move from my spot. Edward's voice was in my ear, trying to persuade me to go with him, but the pain of my heart splintering incapacitated me.

"You knew," I mumbled in realization as his and Alice's efforts clicked into place in my mind. He went silent and I turned my head a fraction to meet his gaze. Instead I found Alice, a hand raised in my direction as though she were going to comfort me. "You knew and you let it happen."

Alice shook her head vigorously, her gaze intent. "It didn't happen like that, Bella. It had already started when I found out, there was nothing I could do about it."

"How long?" I whispered. Alice and Edward exchanged a fleeting glance, and anger sparked inside of me. Without hesitation, I threw the door open and flung an arm in their direction, a fucked up Vanna White. "How fucking long?"

I refused to take in the scene in front of me. I refused to see Sage hovering over another girl. I refused to see his mouth attached to hers. I refused to hear my name fall from my lips as I caught him red fucking handed. Pun fucking intended. I refused to see the brunette beneath him, the smug smirk on her face.

I waited for someone to say something, but Alice and Edward merely averted their gaze, and if there weren't a party going on, there would have been nothing but silence. Until the bitch spoke up.

"Sage…," she moaned, all breathy and shit, writing beneath him. It was like a bad fucking car crash. You wanted to look away, but you just couldn't. it sobered me up hard and fast and I staggered under the weight of my chest.

Sage gazed at me, unmoving. He didn't leave her and he didn't come towards me. His stare was clear, his eyes near black in ecstasy. He'd been close, and I'd ruined it for him. He moved after an infinitesimal moment, and I turned away only to keep my stomach from heaving.

"Please, don't stop on my account," I said in a steadier voice than any I could have hoped for. I turned on my heel and made my way towards the front door, forgoing any shoes or jacket. There was no use in running either, because it wouldn't make tonight go away. It wouldn't make anything go away.

I didn't know where the hell I was going, but I just needed to go. I threw a fleeting glance at my car, noticing for the first time that there was a sizable dent on the driver side headlight, as if Sage had hit something while he was driving it. Surprisingly, I could feel no anger. The only thing I felt was humiliation, pure and unadulterated.

The cold should have had me shivering, but the alcohol running through my system refused to let me feel it. There were no tears, either. I refused to cry over someone who would so callously throw me away. I'd learned my lesson from my mother.

There were steady footfalls behind me, but I refused to slow up to meet them, because I knew who it would be and I had nothing to say to him. There was a park only two blocks over, and even if it was past curfew, I needed someplace to go. Maybe if I was lucky I could get arrested, adding a cherry to my perfect night.

He made no move to catch up to me, and for that I was thankful. He gave me the space to sort through my head and find where I had gone wrong. Of course, if I was being entirely honest with myself, I knew that I shouldn't be blaming myself. But the irrational side of my brain told the rational side to take a hike, so it tucked tail and ran.

I sat heavily on a swing, noting that the only sound was the creak of the metal chains. He sat after a moment, but still we sat in silence. He held something out to me and I smiled sadly when I saw my Converse. I wanted to thank him for bringing them, but I couldn't find the right words to say. There was still too much anger towards he and Alice.

I took a deep breath of the crisp air, feeling the burn in my chest as my lungs expanded with the icy air. I laced my shoes on my feet, wiggling my toes as they found comfort. Now for the rest of me.

"I fucked up," I said quietly as I began pumping my legs slowly, gaining momentum. The hood of my cape fell from my head and my curls flew gently around my face. He watched me for a moment before he kicked off the ground and started to swing with me.

I chuckled gently as I noticed that we were swinging in unison, "Double Dating," like kids used to tease each other about in elementary school. Though it was sad and quiet, I noticed that it brought a smile to his lips, and that smile was worth more than I could ever explain to myself.

"I know that you probably don't want to hear this right now," he said almost inaudibly, glancing at me as I dragged my feet across the dirt beneath the swing, bringing myself to a stop. He followed my lead and stopped as well, the soft tap of his tongue ring the only sound I heard.

Edward was probably right - I probably didn't want to hear whatever it was he had to say. But for whatever reason, I nodded. His voice proved to distract me from thoughts swirling around inside my head, and right now that's the only comfort I wanted.

"It isn't your fault that he did that," he said, a frown on his face as he worked to not say Sage's name, or name what he had done. I was grateful that he had, but at this point it felt as though nothing could hurt me. That was probably a big fucking lie, but I just felt numb.

I nodded to show him that I heard what he said, but I refused to let the words settle in my mind. It had to be my fault, because my mother had done the same thing. Well, in perspective, she had. They'd both told me they loved me, then they'd hurt me and left. I sympathized with my father on this one. There was no worse pain I'd experienced than what Sage had done to me. And stupidly, I'd let it happen more than once, forgiven him, and taken him back. In some form, I was to blame for his behavior. I was the fucking enabler, even though it wasn't my intention.

"And for what it's worth," he continued, unaware of my internal debate, "Alice and I are sorry we didn't tell you. I just felt that it wasn't our place to become involved, but I guess it was a pretty shitty thing to do." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair, forgetting it was gelled for his costume.

"I'm just…tired, you know? I can't even feel hurt anymore," I admitted as I sucked in a deep breath. My lungs ached from the overabundance of air, and I expelled it slowly, a sudden white cloud in front of my face. I shook my head slowly and kicked at the frozen ground.

His hand covered mine on the metal chain, and I allowed him to twine our fingers together. "Yeah, I know exactly what you mean."

"For what it's worth?" I questioned, echoing his earlier words. He cocked an eyebrow in my direction, urging me forward silently. "I'm sorry."

He shook his head and brought my hand to his lips for a kiss. The shock that passed between us urged me to pull my hand away, but he held fast, refusing to let it go. It was an oddly comforting gesture.

"If anyone's sorry, it's me," he argued softly, rubbing his thumb over my hand. He turned it over and traced patterns on the sensitive skin. My other hand secured itself to the metal chain by my head and I leaned over, resting my head on it.

"There's a difference between being sorry and feeling sorry," I whispered. He met my gaze with a look of determination on his face.

Standing, he took my face in his hands, tracing my features, as if he were trying to commit them to memory."I would never feel sorry for you, Bella. You may be stubborn and opinionated, but you're strong and kind, so selfless. You live up to your name in more ways than one, and when I'm around you, the whole room lights up. I won't say you're perfect, because you'll fight me on it, but in my opinion, you're as close as it gets."

He leaned closer as he spoke, his breath warming my face in the most delicious of ways. I licked my lips unconsciously, my gaze briefly flickering to his mouth. I leaned forward a fraction of an inch, and his stare alternated between my eyes and my lips. His emerald eyes were piercing me straight through. A small fissure in my heart slowly began to mend itself as I closed my eyes and leaned forward just a little more.

Edward met me half way and the world melted away. My heart soared and my mind quieted, because suddenly I was doing the only thing I really wanted to do.

I was kissing Edward.

A/N: Long time, no see. I've been really busy, and I momentarily lost faith in the story. But I'm back. I know this song doesn't really fit with the atmosphere of IYCSIMS, but the lyrics of If Not, For Ourselves by Woe, Is Me are beautiful for this chapter. Anywho, the song for this chapter is Where Does The Good Go by Tegan and Sara. Don't Make Me Wait by This World Fair was playing on repeat, however, when I wrote this. I'll put links up for their costumes soon. Weeeell, I guess that's that.
Reviews make me smile.
Love,
Kelly