A/N- So this one is about JJ, though I have to admit, it's more about JJ's head cannon of self discovery than it is about JJ finding out she's in love with Emily.
JJ knew she was gay ever since she was a kid. But when you're a kid growing up in a small town in rural Pennsylvania, there aren't words for that. So JJ was quiet at sleepovers when her friends talked about cute boys in their classes, and she did her very best to not look at other girls the way she wanted to.
She didn't have words for it until she was in high school and eating lunch with her friends one day. They barely managed to fit the soccer team around one of the formica round tables with small stools protruding. The girls knocked elbows constantly and drew up extra chairs, sometimes JJ thought this was what family felt like (her own family hadn't felt like this in months since she lost one of her older sisters), and their laughter was interrupted by some boys shouting across the cafeteria.
The girls all turned to watch as some boys from the football team laughed and shoved a freshman down on his ass. One of them kicked away the kid's lunchbox, they all called him names, some flew all they way across the cafeteria to JJ's ears.
Nerd, four eyes, frosh, were all no surprise to her, until she heard, 'fag'.
None of the other girls reacted the way she did, none of the others recoiled as though they were slapped, nobody else looked around quickly to make sure that they weren't the one being called out, nobody except for Lily. The brunette locked eyes with JJ, and both of them shared a knowing look, heat rose on JJ's cheeks until more yelling caught her attention.
It was Aaron Johnson, "Leave him alone, jackass." He said, getting between the freshmen and the football players.
He helped the kid up, and handed him his lunch box.
"Isn't that your boy, JJ?" One of the blonde's teammates teased.
The two had been dating for nearly two years at this point and JJ had never felt like this when she admitted to it. Like there was something burning in the back of her throat when she said, "Yeah, it is."
…
She kissed a girl for the first time ever her senior year of high school, that evening when her mother was away on business and her father was supposed to be working late. She kissed Lily on the couch in her living room, and from the first touch, she swore she was on fire. But the good kind of fire, the way Aaron never made her feel.
She had always imagined that kissing a girl would be soft and gentle, nothing like the awkward fumblings in the backseat of Aaron's car. But it wasn't. This was hard, and desperate, all teeth and heavy breathing, this was two girls claiming what they had known to be rightfully theirs, but they had been denied for years.
This was the end of the world.
This was everything going up in flames, and maybe kissing Lily was the only way she would survive Armageddon, and maybe kissing Lily was causing the earthquakes tearing the world apart.
Because they were eighteen and months away from graduating and moving to different ends of the country, Lily didn't ask before she unsnapped JJ's jeans, and because JJ was tired of pretending to be something she wasn't, she didn't say anything when she lifted her hips to help Lily pull her pants out of the way.
…
College was easier and it was harder. JJ was away from her family, she could be whoever she wanted to be (she tried not to think about how here she didn't have to worry about disappointing her family with whom she was so long as she kept her grades up).
She joined the ultimate frisbee team, she kept her summer tan for as long as she could, she made friends easily and deeply. She went to the parties her friends took her to, she danced with cute boys (and girls), she went home alone and sometimes with others- she didn't drink.
In her second year, she met a girl named Arizona Robbins. Arizona was tall and strong, she met her for the first time in the campus gym. Arizona was leading a spin class, calling out encouragement to the twenty sweat soaked students in front of her. Arizona was wearing the blue shirts they gave out to all the fitness instructors, and her blonde hair was three shades darker with sweat. JJ didn't realize it at the time, but she had frozen and stared at the woman.
Arizona had felt the eyes on her and locked her gaze on JJ. She shot the blonde a wink, smiling when JJ blushed.
They dated for two years, Arizona was in the same grade as JJ, but a year older because she took a gap to do 'City Year' and teach underprivileged kids in inner city Philly. She lives all the way across campus in this single dorm room on the top floor of one of the old dorm buildings. Her room is entirely too small, but it's bright and covered in posters, and it makes JJ feel like home.
And Arizona, she learns is the exact same. She's bright and she smiles without thinking about it, and she brings JJ home with her to meet her family when they've been dating for a year and a half.
She is the one who teaches JJ to be alright walking hand in hand down the street with a woman. She teaches JJ how to smile and shake her head when people ask if they are sisters, and explain without hesitation that their relationship isn't so innocent.
They break up amicably in the easy way that they both know they'll always love each other more than they'll be in love with each other.
…
Emily Prentiss infuriates JJ. Like totally and completely infuriates her. Like everything with the brunette is just too much.
Like she is too put together, too perfect, like there is no chink in her armor. Like she's one of those hyperrealistic paintings that are just the smallest bit unnerving. Like she doesn't bat an eye when she sees her first dead body with the team.
Like Jennifer Jareau is absolutely furious for absolutely no reason the first time she calls the brunette on her cell on a Saturday morning because the team has a case. Not that she justifiably has any reason to be, except that it's not Emily who picks up, but rather some other woman.
Some other woman with a light throaty voice who laughs into JJ's ear and says, "Hello?"
JJ can hear Emily in the background saying something intelligible, "Is Prentiss there?"
"Emily can't come to the phone right now, she has her hands full." The woman said, and JJ could practically hear the smirk on the woman's face, she wanted to slap it off.
"This is Agent Jareau from the FBI, I need to speak to Agent Prentiss."
That seemed to throw the woman as she groaned disappointedly, "It's work." JJ heard her say before there was some rustling and Emily took the phone.
She was breathless when she finally said something, "This is Prentiss."
"We've got a case." JJ replied shortly.
"I'll be right there."
JJ hung up before she could say something she would regret. She tried to ignore how this feeling was a lot like jealousy.
…
When they went to New Orleans, everything changed. Emily and JJ had been 'together' in the most loose sense of the term for nearly two months at that point. 'Together' meaning they slept together, it started after a particularly hard case when they both had too much to drink and they both said things they knew they wouldn't say sober.
For those two months, they didn't say the things they wouldn't say sober. They didn't talk about it, or what they were, it worked for a while.
JJ never missed how Emily had a jealous streak. Or rather a possessive streak, when the team went out for drinks after work, JJ would watch Emily. There was this one muscle in the brunette's jaw that would always jump when men approached JJ, her grip on her drink would always go white knuckled, and she would always have to put in effort not to stare the men down.
JJ found it horribly entertaining.
Those nights, Emily would practically worship her, paying extra special attention to making the blonde unravel so perfectly. Sometimes she even left marks, never too big, and never somewhere the JJ couldn't cover up with her usual blouses. When they went to New Orleans, things changed. JJ could see Emily getting jealous of Will, and she pushed.
She flirted back, she accepted his number when he offered it, and she pushed Emily as much as she knew how. Until finally, Emily snapped. She asked JJ to be exclusive with her.
It was then that JJ learned Emily's jealousy was never because she feared that JJ would lose interest in her, rather it was possessiveness because Emily wanted everyone to know JJ was hers. She wanted to be able to protect the blonde from the world, from the stares of sleazy men in bars, from the dangers of their job, but she couldn't.
The same way JJ couldn't protect Emily from everything, like the case they helped in with little boys taken from their homes in the middle of the night. The last victim wasn't like the rest, he was killed by his eleven year old brother. Emily was with the boy when they found out he was a psychopath.
That night, when they went home- JJ had moved begrudgingly into Emily's apartment (it was far bigger than JJ's own) after they had been together nearly eight months- they changed and went to bed early. Emily was unusually quiet, she always slept spooning JJ with an arm thrown over the blonde's waist, her nose nestled into JJ's neck. But that night, JJ could feel Emily holding her tighter than usual.
JJ didn't bring it up for a few minutes, trusting that Emily would say something about whatever was bugging her. When she didn't break the quiet, JJ did, "What's on your mind?"
Emily didn't even bother pretending she didn't know what JJ was talking about, "How could his parents not know?"
"They probably did, they may have just convinced themselves everything would be fine."
They were quiet again, and JJ could feel Emily thinking too hard. She turned in the embrace and tangled their legs together, "What's really bothering you?"
"You want kids." It was a statement, not a question or even an accusation.
"I do."
"I don't know if I'm strong enough."
That night, it was JJ's turn to hold Emily. She pressed reassuring kisses into the brunette's hair and tried to make sure she knew, she would always be enough.
A/N- First, yes it's that Arizona Robbins. Second, I'm writing Emily's next and it's probably going to be similar to this one with a more head cannon style, but after that will be the final chapter and it will be sort of more explicitly how they happened.
Thanks for reading/reviewing!