If You Could See Into My Soul
Chapter 7 – Tragedy + Time
Bella's POV
As I pulled into the school parking lot the next day, Alice bouncing impatiently – it had been a whole twelve hours since she'd last seen Jasper – I easily spotted my car. Except it wasn't my car anymore. Not really.
What had been my blue Ford was now a mostly gray Ford, where the paint had been peeled off. The paint that remained was scratched, and there were other dents to go with the large one on the front bumper. I really couldn't find it in myself to be angry. I was just tired.
Phil, however, would be pissed. The car had been a gift from him for spending my mom's past birthday with her – and also my birthday present. A car may seem a bit outlandish for one day, but if you really knew my mother, you wouldn't think so. She'd been black-out drunk for the majority of the day, and when she wasn't, she was screaming curse words. Charming woman.
Defeated, I trudged my way towards first period, not looking forward to seeing Sage one bit. I was startled when someone wrapped their arm around my waist. I was ready to push them away and deliver a nice groin injury when I saw that it was Edward, crooked smile firmly in place. His brilliant green eyes stunned me.
"Isabella," he murmured. We paused outside of my first period class, and though he kept his hands on my waist, I turned to face him. My heart paused and restarted when he said my name.
"I just wanted to say how sorry I am for last night. It was quite inexcusable for me to behave so," he shook his head, a crease forming between his brows. He really was too cute for words, I couldn't stand it.
Just barely restraining myself from kissing him full on the lips, I delivered one instead to his scruffy cheek. "I'm sorry I forgot to text you back last night, I didn't mean for you to worry needlessly. I'm not angry, not at all. I can respect that there are things you don't want to share. It's okay."
He smiled in relief, and surprised me by pulling me in for a hug. I liked this side of Edward, and just barely managed to restrain myself from saying so. I didn't need to screw up this friendship before it had really begun.
He pulled away with one final squeeze, and this time it was he who delivered the kiss to my cheek. He winked as he walked away, a promise to see me later on his lips. I entered into the classroom dizzily, barely managing to make it to my seat before I collapsed in a puddle of goo. A dreamy sigh escaped my lips and I caught Alice's eye, brow cocked in her usual I-told-you-so fashion. A blush settled in my cheeks and I managed to pay attention during class, despite picturing Edward's crooked smile and the tongue ring that lay behind it.
!#$#!
When lunch time finally arrived, I was desperate to see Edward again. I was thinking that maybe I was wrong about needing time and all that, because I wanted a relationship with him. More than I think I'd ever wanted anything in my whole life. He was my definition of perfect.
But then I walked into the lunch room and saw Sage, and I came back to reality. I wasn't walking with my normal group of people because my class had been in a different room for the day. The room had hardly begun to fill up, but there he was, sitting at our lunch table, bouncing his knee impatiently.
I sucked in a large breath of air and walked over, ready for him to just hand me my keys and be done with it. The sound of my footsteps caused his head to snap up. And he grinned. Only, it wasn't an attractive grin, not really. It was incredibly cocky. And I realized in that instant that I sort of hated him.
He stood as I approached, his hands deep in his pockets in a pair of pants that were way too tight for him. I wondered how I had never noticed before that his dick was outlined in those jeans. That's probably why he wore them. He ducked to meet my eyes that were fixed on the table.
"Bella," he whispered. He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, and I was glad to realize that it didn't cause butterflies to fly, but my stomach to churn. I jerked my head away and took a step back.
"Can I just have my keys back?" I inquired, my voice little more than a whisper. He sucked his lip ring into his mouth, eyes narrowed.
"I've been an asshole, Bee, I know that. I'm really sorry about all of that. You know I love you." He rocked forward on the balls of his feet, a grin on his face. "Whaddya say? Can we move past this? Will you give me another shot?"
My head snapped up so fast it almost hit him in the jaw. My eyes were wide, incredulous. He thought I would go back to him, after everything he'd put me through? How dare he.
I laughed before I realized what I was laughing at. And then the absurdity of the situation struck me, and I was glad I was laughing, so I didn't start to cry. But laughing only made him angry. He looked away, teeth grinding.
"No, Sage, no," I trailed into laughter again. "I will never go back to being with you. You're a miserable excuse for a human being, and if you really loved me you never would have cheated on me. Just hand me my keys and we can move on."
He grabbed hold of my arm as I made a motion to sit down. My eyes went wide, my heart sprinted in panic. He'd never grabbed me like that before, never ever. Sure, he yelled. But he had never put his hands on me.
"Sage, let go," I whimpered, trying to pry his hand off my arm. He only held tighter, his nails biting into my flesh. I winced.
"I'm all you've got, Bella. Think about Cailee and how much she'll miss me when I'm not around anymore. Think about how empty your life will be. I mean, it's not like you have any real friends after all. You need me. So I'll give you one more chance. Say yes."
"You're poison," I spat through gritted teeth, trying desperately to wrench away from him. Suddenly, I was five years old again and my mother was shaking me for misbehaving. She was angry that I spilled her beer. Always angry. Tears smarted my eyes, blurring my vision. He bared his teeth at me, and I'd never seen him so crazy.
And then his hand was gone, and someone's arm was wrapped around me from behind.
"You ever touch her like that again, and I promise you that it'll be the last thing you touch," Emmett's voice swelled around me, and I was so relieved that my knees gave out. The only thing that kept me from falling was his arm around me. "I'm pretty sure she asked for her keys back, so why don't you give them back to her, alright?"
Through the tears I managed to see him yank the keys out of his pocket and then they hit me square in the chest. I clutched at them desperately, cowering back into Emmett. "Now move," he growled venomously.
Sage spat at our feet and then disappeared around me. I only noticed I was hyperventilating when my head began swimming with the lack of oxygen.
"Bell?" It was Jacob's voice, and I was sitting now. "Take a deep breath, come on, you can do this. Head between the knees; that's it, good girl.
"Leah, run to the bathroom and get a couple cool paper towels, would you? Ali, I need you over here, please." Alice's small frame wrapped around me, and then I started sobbing, and I still couldn't breathe.
Edward's voice was frantic when it met my fuzzy ears. "What happened?" It was Emmett who turned him around and told him what had happened between Sage and I. When he turned around, his eyes were murderous.
Leah danced back in my sight, taking the open seat next to me and pressing the cool, damp towels to my forehead and cheeks. My breathing began to even out, but the tears kept coming, and I was hiccupping with the force of my sobs.
"You're okay, Bella, you're okay," it was Alice's sweet voice soothing me. How many times had she assumed this position? Too many times for it to ever be even between us. This whole thing had become way too routine for all of us; it wasn't fair to them.
"Ja-Jake, I-I'm s-s-sorry," I stuttered, and then threw my arms around his neck. I grabbed fistfuls of his shirt, still sobbing desperately. His fingers ran through my hair, and I felt Alice's hand on my back, rubbing soothing circles.
"Don't you dare apologize, Isabella Marie. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for, honey," he shushed me.
Eventually I was able to calm down. The sobs stopped and my breathing evened out, but I had no hope for the tears; they would continue to fall. Sage did not enter the lunch room, and I was grateful for that. The sight of him would probably only send me back into hysterics.
Everyone took a seat at our table. I refused to let go of Jacob, but he didn't seem to mind. I didn't eat more than a few bites of anything, afraid that my sobbing would return and make me sick. No one mentioned my falling to pieces, though Emmett still seemed tense, and Edward frowned at the table, mostly. Rosalie had taken the seat next to me and stroked my hair occasionally; she seemed most sympathetic, more so than everyone else.
When lunch finally ended, Jacob walked me to the nurse's office. Though I didn't want to go home, I wanted to stay at school even less. The nurse took one look at my face and was calling my father at work. He must have agreed for me to come home, because she sent me to collect my homework from my teachers, and then I was free.
The December air was brisk. I tightened my coat around my frame and ducked my head. The drive home wasn't nearly as long as I'd have liked it to be. My car ran like a piece of shit, as I had expected, but I was numb and couldn't find it in myself to care.
Once home, I shed my shoes and coat and curled up in my bed under the blanket and let the misery have me.
!#$#!
The slamming of a car door startled me awake, and it was only then I'd realized I'd fallen asleep. I threw the blankets off and stumbled around for my keys and shoes. A quick glance told me I was way late for picking up Cailee. I began sprinting down the stairs when the side door whipped shut. And then Cailee was in front of me, showing me she'd lost a tooth.
"See, Belly, see? They gave me a treasure chest for it!" She crowed. She flounced away, leaving a trail of hat and mittens and coat on the way. Charlie came in behind her, shaking the snowflakes out of his hair.
"Thanks…for picking her up," I murmured, ashamed. It was so stupid of me to forget about something like that.
He grunted. "I left you a message telling you I would, but it looks like you've been sleeping all afternoon. 'Sides, she's my kid; it's sorta my responsibility to get her to and from school." He paused and stuck his hands in his pockets. Charlie and I hardly ever had civil conversations. We were both entirely out of our elements. "So, you feeling any better?"
I managed a meek nod, and he returned the gesture. "Well, maybe you should get back to bed anyway, you know, sleep it off."
"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea," I turned for the stairs, but he sighed, and I stopped.
"What the hell happened to your car?" he wondered. He didn't seem angry, but I suppose there really wasn't anything for him to be angry about. The car was none of his concern.
"Uh," I contemplated lying for a moment, but the satisfaction of getting Sage in trouble was bubbling in my blood. "Sage happened. I let him borrow my car, and that's how he returned it."
He sighed and muttered, "I told you about letting other people drive your car."
Shaking his head, he undid his coat and walked away; the same Charlie as always. I trudged back up the stairs and shut my bedroom door behind me. I contemplated going back to sleep as Charlie had said, but I felt restless and anxious.
I decided instead on cleaning something. I switched out my hoodie for a more comfortable t-shirt, and that's when I noticed the bruise on my arm. Sage's fingers had gripped tight enough to bruise me. I poked it experimentally, noting that it wasn't as painful as I maybe would have liked it to be. Still, it pissed me off that he marked me.
I clenched my jaw, and before thinking better of it, grabbed my jacket. I was in my car, racing towards Sage's house before I realized what I was doing. Taking a deep breath, I pulled off to the side of the road and cut the engine.
What's the game plan, B? Drive over there and punch his face in? Sounds good, but rather unrealistic. Remember that time you punched Jacob? You wore a brace for a month for spraining your wrist.
I shook my head, unsure what my intentions were. Since I was already out, maybe I should go to Alice or Jacob. But, surely, they were spending time with their significant others, and I didn't want to interrupt. There was only one person I really wanted to see, and I was sure he didn't want to see me now. I'd only be there to bitch.
"Fuck it," I muttered, pulling my phone from my pocket. If he didn't want to see me, he could say so.
"Hello?" I could hear the grin in his voice as he answered, and I already felt bad for calling.
"Hey…Edward, it's Bella. I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to hang out or…yeah." I didn't mean to, but I held my breath after I spoke. I wanted Edward to like me, like we were five-years-old and I wanted him to share his snack with me. I wanted Edward to want to be around me.
"Sure. I'm at my house, you wanna come over? I was just about to finish kicking Emmett's ass in this game," he chuckled. Emmett protested loudly in the back.
"Oh, um, I don't want to interrupt…" I bit my lip. Of course he would agree to hang out with my pathetic self. He's too damn polite to say otherwise.
"Nah, you're not. Rosalie and Emmett are just about to head out. So, you're coming?" I didn't want to kid myself and say he sounded happy to have me, but…well, he sort of did.
"Yeah, okay. I'll, um, I'll be there in ten minutes. Cool?"
"Cool. See ya then, Bella."
As I pulled into the winding drive and parked the car, I started to wonder just what in the actual fuck I was doing here. Was I really that desperate for human connection that I showed up to Edward's place after telling him I wasn't ready for anything more? Sighing, I started to walk up the steps. Just before knocking, however, the door swung open.
"Hello…," Dr. Cullen said. He squinted his eyes at me.
I was starting to get really irritated with the fact that he could not remember my name.
Still, I half smiled. "Bella. I'm here to see Edward." I stuffed my hands in the back pockets of my jeans and bit my lip nervously.
"Ah, Bella, of course. Forgive me," the smile he offered was sincere, but I was annoyed nonetheless. He stepped aside and there was Edward coming around the corner from the kitchen, stuffing cookies in his mouth.
He smiled and held out a cookie to me. "Cookie?"
I smirked and took it from him. Dr. Cullen cleared his throat and offered Edward a pointed look, which made Edward roll his eyes and grab my hand. Startled, I tripped along behind him, following him up the stairs and into his room.
He dropped my hand once inside his room and plopped onto his bed, still munching on a cookie. I took slow bites of my own, running a hand through my hair with my free hand. I was so unsure what I was doing here, and what the actual fuck I expected Edward to do.
"Ignore Carlisle, I usually do. He's leaving anyway," Edward waved his hand in the air to dismiss his father's behavior. He brushed cookie crumbs off his shirt and clicked his tongue ring against his teeth. I really need to tell him how bad that is for his teeth.
I shook my head and took a step back. "I'm sorry. I don't know why the fuck I'm here. I'm just…"
"Just what?" He murmured, gaze intense. The way he looked at me, eyes full of…compassion? Understanding? Whatever the emotion was, it brought tears to my own eyes. I so did not want to go there tonight, not with him.
Like, I'm so into this guy right now, it's not funny. The last thing I should be doing is showing up on his doorstep sniveling about my stupid ex.
I shook my head, bit my lip. Looking away, I breathed out a shaky laugh. "I don't know."
I shrug angrily and turn to stare at the posters on his wall. Through the posters I can also see photos. Photos of Edward's life before here, friends of his that I don't know and the smile on his face squeezed my heart. In one of them is a beautiful statuesque blonde, and aside from the fact that she's beautiful, I don't notice much else. Because in the photo, Edward's lips are on hers. And they're standing so close, nothing more than the Holy Ghost could fit between them.
I swallow hard, stung by the rejection the picture offers. "I should just go."
Edward stands and grabs my wrist. "Bella, please. Talk to me. I'm here for you."
Again, the tears well in my eyes. Why am I such a fucking girl? Honestly. Aunt Flo must be on her way in. This time, however, I can't hold them back. Thick tear drops fall to my cheeks and I rub them away angrily, making my face itch.
"How could he do that to me?" I hated the way my voice broke. I hate that I'm that girl right now, bitching about my ex to a guy who I know is into me. Friends. He said right now we can be friends. He said he could give you time. My inner bitch needed to shut the fuck up because she was really starting to piss me off.
Edward sat still, tongue ring tapping his teeth. His eyes, however, were dark. Like, scary fucking dark. "You want to know how he could do that to you?" He didn't bother waiting for an answer. "He's a shitty excuse for a human being. He used you, Bella. I can't say he didn't love you, because I don't know if that's true or not. But I can tell you that I would never…" His intense gaze met my tear-filled eyes. This kid is not about to confess his love for me. Kill me now. He shook his head, averting his gaze. "Anyone who really loves you would never do that to you."
Suddenly, a sob ripped through me, and I sank to the floor. Back to the wall, knees to my chest, I couldn't catch my breath. Edward was on the floor next to me in a second, his arms around me. He let me cry into his chest, and I'm pretty sure I even wiped some snot on the sleeve of his shirt. What a selfish bitch I was, knowing how he felt about me and sobbing over my ex to him. I deserved to be exiled to the deepest pits of hell.
We only sat like that for a moment before Edward stood again and lifted me into his arms.
"St-what are you doing?" I was still blubbering like a baby, so Edward just shushed me and dropped me onto his bed. He pulled my shoes from my feet and took the jacket off my shoulders. His eyes darkened further as he took in the purple-blue bruises on my arms, perfect indentations of Sage's grip.
He ripped a rough hand through his hair and reached into his back pocket for a cigarette, but his hands came up empty. "Fuck," he muttered. He climbed instead onto the bed and pulled me into his chest, my back to his front. His arms wrapped gently around me, I couldn't find the will to stop the tears. The sobs hurt so deeply, I thought I would be sick. I could hear Edward's voice behind me, calm and soothing, could feel his hand in my hair, stroking gently. Which made the tears fall harder, the sobs deeper, because I so did not deserve him. Like, at all.
When my eyes could produce no more tears, I sniffled and turned in his arms, burying my face in his chest. He smelled of mint and soap, and so completely comforting. He hugged me tighter and promised not to let go until I said so.
Eventually, I let my eyes drift shut and allowed sleep to consume me. Sleep was the only reprieve from the heart ache I felt. In my dreams, I was happy. Life was good. In my dreams, Edward was more than a friend and Sage was nonexistent. Oh, if only I could stay there, safe in Edward's arms, no memory of heartbreak.
But the real world is a bitch. She never lets you off that easy.
!#$#!
When I opened my eyes, the sky through Edward's window was black, save but for a few stars. How nice it must be to have the chance to see the stars every night.
Edward is asleep beside me, chest bare, arm extended under my head. It didn't look very comfortable, so I lifted my head and returned his arm to his side. He sighed deeply and turned to me, his lips in the cutes pout, the crease between his eyebrows gone, for once. He looked so young.
I rolled out of the bed as quietly as I possibly could. Thankfully, the stars provided some light into the room as did his open door. I could at least see where I was going. My phone buzzed on the night stand and I snatched it quickly, hoping the noise didn't wake him. The illuminated screen tells me it's after midnight.
It's from Alice. 15 texts from Alice, and there were 5 from Jake. Oops.
I scrolled through them quickly, seeing that most of them from Alice are a worried 'Where are you?'. The ones from Jake were far more crude, ranging from 'Tell me about that sweet dick ;)' to 'Seriously Bell, call Ali or me.'
I gathered my shoes from the floor and find my jacket over the chair at his desk. With one last glance behind me, I left through the door, shutting it quietly behind me. I made my way down the stairs, careful to make as little noise as possible. When I get to the bottom of the steps, I can see my sneaking around isn't necessary. On the couch, lip locked, are Rose and Emmett.
Emmett side-eyed me and broke the kiss, a smug smirk on his face. The smirk drops quickly as he takes in the bruises on my arms, and my red, puffy eyes. I'm sure my mascara is smeared to shit.
"Jesus Bella, you look like shit," Rosalie grimaced. I snorted, thankful for her honesty. I wiped under my eyes and find black smudges on my fingers.
I held up a peace sign. "S'all good guys. Had a great cry sesh with Edward, slept it off, and now I'm just gonna go."
My phone buzzed in my pocket, and I'm reminded that I need to text Alice. So, I did. Just a quick, to the point 'I'm not dead' to buy myself a few minutes. I slipped my shoes on and move to put my jacket on when Emmett's large hand swallows my wrist. It's gentle, not at all how Sage had grabbed me, but I flinched all the same. He released me at the sight of my flinch and scratched the back of his neck.
"He do that to you? Today?" He reached a hand out to touch the purple discoloring on my arm, barely brushing it as his hand fell back to his side.
I nod as I finished putting my jacket back on. "Yep." I even pop the 'p' to let him know I'm good, but he doesn't buy it.
"Bella, that's not cool. You need to tell someone," his tone is demanding, and suddenly Rosalie is behind him, nodding her head in agreement.
She folded her arms over her chest, a tightness around her eyes. "Seriously, B. That shit is really fucked up. You can't let him get away with it."
I licked my lips, suddenly feeling like a caged animal. "Two things. One, don't call me B anymore, 'kay? That was what he called me, and I'm done with that fucker. Two, I did tell someone. It's you guys, right now."
I pushed through Emmett, trying to get to the door before they had any other enlightening words of wisdom for me. Emmett stopped me again though, and I swear if he wasn't freakishly large and strong, I'd probably take a swing at him.
"Look, it doesn't fucking matter anymore, okay? I'm done with him, we're done. I don't want to talk about him anymore." I could feel the tightness building in my chest, like I'm about to have a panic attack. I was so close to the door, I could slip out if they would just stop staring at me like that.
"Bella," Rosalie licked her lips and pushed an anxious hand through her hair. "Look, I know how it feels. Before Emmett, before I came to be a Cullen…," she looked sadly up at Emmett, and when he nodded encouragingly, she continued, "I was with a guy named Royce. I thought the sun shined out of his ass, I loved him so much and I thought he loved me. But I was wrong. It started with small bruises, like yours. And then it was a sprained wrist, and when he found out I was pregnant, it was a black eye."
I took in a shaky breath, stunned by the news she shared with me. Emmett wrapped his arm protectively around her, his lips in her hair.
"All I'm saying Bella, is to put an end to his shit. Not even for your sake, but for the next girl. You can say he didn't mean it, that he would never really hurt you or anyone else, but you've seen that isn't true anymore. Please, for any woman who may love him in the future, tell someone."
I could say nothing, but only nod. And finally, I slipped through the front door and sprinted to my car before anyone could stop me again. Through the drive home, I chewed the skin from my lips, knowing that Rose is right, and I need to tell someone.
Not just someone. My dad.
There will be the time to crack another smile
Maybe not today or for a while
But we're holding on you won't forget some day
You can't forget some day
Tragedy + Time by Rise Against
Sorry it's been so long guys. Not sure if anyone is still interested, but I'd like to continue this story. As always, reviews are cool.
Peace,
Kelly