If You Could See Into My Soul

Chapter 8 – Suicide

Someone tugged a headphone out of my ear. I turned my head to see Jacob, sloppy grin in place.

"Hey Chica," he cooed. He smelled like sex and weed, I noted, as he took his seat next to me. I had been sitting on the roof all afternoon, soaking up the delightful sun rays and attempting to keep the heartbreak at bay. It wasn't really working.

Leah eventually took the seat next to me, placing a bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos just out of reach. Her eyes were glassy and bright, a cheeky grin gracing her full lips.

"You two lit up without me? I'm wounded," I pouted, attempting to take the Cheetos from Leah.

"Oh Bella-boo," Jacob sighed. He twirled a long strand of hair behind my back and snapped my bra strap. I yelped in surprise, sending Leah into hysterics.

"You know, for a gay guy, you're awfully insensitive. Aren't you supposed to be in tune with your 'inner woman' or something like that?" I griped. I absently rubbed at the sore spot on my back, fighting the urge to push him off the edge of the roof. There were shrubs below, surely it wouldn't hurt that badly?

Jake pursed his lips, kissing just below my ear. "You know, I'm not sure I'm gay. Bi perhaps? In any case, I can't get enough of my girl over there. Mm-mm."

I faked a gag and rolled my eyes while they made kissy faces towards each other. I drew my knees up to my chest and set my chin on them, trying desperately to fight the overwhelming sense of sadness I felt. Hanging out with couples really sucked. And when all of your friends were coupled up, it made everything that much harder. I really hated Sage.

"Oh, Bell," Leah quickly wrapped her arms around me, aware of my sudden sullen mood. I was trying really, really, hard not to cry. I should be over him by now. Sage was an asshole and I deserved better…right? I deserved to be happy. Edward was waiting. All I had to do was the say the words, but I couldn't do that to him. Couldn't enter a relationship when I wasn't even over another one. Besides, that fucker had a picture of a hot blonde kissing him on his wall, and I was allowed to be annoyed by that.

"I've been with him forever," I choked. "He was there when my dad wasn't. He made everything feel okay. I thought he could love me, I thought someone could love me. And now here I am, stupid and lonely on a rooftop listening to sad break-up songs." It really had only turned into a relationship of convenience. Not even a comfortable convenience either. We just knew each other, knew what we liked and disliked, and it had become easier to be with him than without him. It was a shitty reason to stay with someone, and the more I thought about it, the less pissed I was about his cheating. Nevertheless, I still struggled to forgive him, because he made me believe that I deserved no one, and that I would never be loved again.

"Bella, we love you. We'll be here for you, whatever you need. I mean, if its sex you need, I'll share Jacob," Leah offered hopefully. Jake nodded enthusiastically, covering the other half of my body with his.

"It's true," he conceded. "I'd be willing to offer up my goods for you."

If they were trying to pull a laugh out of me, it worked. I had lost my virginity to Jacob once upon a time, and it had since been a running joke that I was so bad I turned him gay, which was obviously untrue. His eyes shone with easy adoration for Leah, and whatever had caused him to think he was gay – probably some really hot underwear model – was long since forgotten. And even if he was bisexual, Leah certainly didn't seem to mind.

"Or, you know, we'd be willing to get you a vibrator. They seem to be pretty popular amongst single moms and 20-somethings. I'm sure you could give it a go?" Leah shrugged, eyes wide.

"You guys are ridiculous," I muttered. The both of them leaned in simultaneously, leaving wet, sloppy kisses on both of my cheeks. It was then I heard a car pull in and my phone chime with a message.

Jacob glanced down, noting the name on the screen. "It's from Phil."

I stood from their embrace then, making my way through my open window. I pulled the other earbud from my ear and tucked my phone back into my pocket. I made the quick walk down the stairs and out the front door. Jacob and Leah joined me on the front porch where Phil stood, hands tucked deep in his pockets.

"Hey Bella," he greeted me with a loose hug, which I half-heartedly returned. Phil was an okay guy, but I couldn't really like him for staying with my mom. She was a piece of work, and he would rather stay with her than have a chance at a relationship with Cailee. I only hoped that if Cailee ever found out the real truth of her parentage, she wouldn't hate him as much as I did. I wasn't counting on it, though. "I was hoping Cailee was here?"

I shook my head, watching as the smile dropped from his face. "She's spending the day with her friend. She'll be back later tonight, after dinner."

He nodded, dejected now. "I guess I could have called or something before coming over. It's just that Renee was finally gone, and I didn't think about Cailee not being home."

Fucking Renee. She dictated everyone's lives, and I was pissed that he would allow her to. If I ever found myself in a situation like his, my kid would come first, I was sure of it. End of.

He turned to leave, but on the last step turned back to me. "What happened to your car?"

I looked over to the ugly black thing sitting in my driveway. Sage had done quite a number on it before returning it to me, including spray painting the whole thing black. He hardly missed the headlights. I felt instantly bad, as the car had been a gift from Phil. A gift, in fact, for spending time with my shitty mother. That was almost two years ago though. She was such a different person from even then.

I grimaced. "Sage happened."

He nodded, accepting the answer, though his mouth set in a grim line, and I could tell he was secretly furious. "Well, if you're free any time this week I'd love to have dinner with you girls. Just the three of us."

I gave him a tight-lipped smile in return. Don't count on it, pal. "Maybe. I'll let you know."

He returned my half assed smile and got in his car, quickly driving away. I walked back inside, Jake and Leah quiet behind me as I threw myself down on the couch. Leah took Jacob's lap in the recliner.

"Okay, but I still don't get why Phil doesn't just leave Renee. Then he could be with Cailee, his fucking daughter. I mean, doesn't he love his daughter more than Renee? He should." Leah crossed her arms over her chest, clearly disgusted.

"I don't know anymore, Leah. Phil is still trying to find the good person my mom used to be. Which is fucking pointless. Cailee deserves more than my bullshit excuse of a mother. I swear if I ever have a kid, they come first. That's it. Fuck the rest of the world," I muttered angrily, giving voice to my earlier thoughts.

My phone chirped again with a text, this time from Edward. He'd taken to texting me throughout the day over the past few days, not that I minded one bit. It was usually a random song lyric, or an odd, sometimes morbid fact he'd gleaned. This time, however, it was more pestering about the now yellow-green bruising on my arms.

'Did you tell him?' – E

Scowling, I refused to answer at the moment. I had attempted to tell my father several days ago, after the conversation with Edward. When I'd gotten home, however, my father was piss drunk with some blonde bimbo jacking him off – in the living room, no less. Thankfully I didn't see more then her face and the motion of her arm. He had cursed when I saw them, throwing a pillow at me to 'leave the fucking room.' Pissed beyond belief, I left again, going straight to Alice's house.

She had been just as upset about the deep bruising on my arms but didn't push me to tell anyone. I understood where Edward was coming from, really, I did. But what did he think would happen? Sage would be unphased by me having told anyone, thinking himself above reproach. Besides, my dad had always liked him, and I was sure that the bruising would wind up being my fault in his eyes. My dad had no qualms with corporal punishment, having punished me in that way many times, though not lately. Being that Sage and I were in a relationship, he would probably figure it was Sage's responsibility to punish me anyway. In any case, they were just bruises. Whether he had meant to cause them or not, he did not hit me or cause permanent damage. There really wasn't anything to be done.

"I'm so pissed at you guys right now," I said, directing my anger at Edward towards Jacob and Leah. They were tongue fucking each other's mouths, and I was pretty sure Leah had her hand down Jacob's pants, though it was difficult to tell from where I sat.

They separated with a wet suction sound, turning to me. Jacob was still wiping the spit from his mouth when he spoke. "What the fuck did we do?"

"You fuckers smoked before coming over. Like, hello, when did you start to leave me out of the fun? Now I'm pissed at Phil, you guys, and Edward." I huffed a sigh and clutched a pillow to my chest. The same pillow that Charlie had thrown at me last night. I tried not to think about what else may be on the pillow.

"Jesus, Bell, you hardly ever smoke anyway. How the fuck do we know when you want to?" It was Leah this time, her voice indignant, chin turned up.

"You could have asked," I snapped. I wasn't really mad at them, truly. I was just pissed at the situation with Phil, and with the never-ending question from Edward, and I wanted to escape this shitty life, if only for a while. Getting high always seemed to help. Christ, I have issues.

"Cool it, babe," Jake's dark eyes held no lingering trace of playfulness. Now I had pissed him off. "If you think getting high is the only way to feel better, then you need help. And I'm not saying that to be a dick, Bella, I'm saying it because I love you and I care about you, and you're moping over him is really starting to freak us all out. And seriously, you need some fucking help."

I sniffed, fighting back the tightening in my throat that told me tears would fall. My voice turned whiny. "I just need out for a little while. Please? Please."

Jake gave Leah's ass a few pats, indicating to her to stand. She did, and Jacob followed right after, digging in his pocket. He pulled out an old film canister and popped it open, pulling out a half smoked spliff. He put it to his lips to light, took a deep breath and walked towards me.

Normally I would protest his smoking in the house. My dad was a cop after all, and though I'm sure he had his fair share of illicit activities, I knew he wouldn't like knowing of any that his teenage daughter and friends took part in. Jacob's cocky, playful smirk returned to his face as he stopped in front of me.

With one hand he pulled my chin up towards his, moving the lit spliff to his side. My mouth dropped open as I gathered what his intentions were, and he used his thumb to pull it further open. He bent his lips to mine, exhaling a cloud of smoke into my waiting mouth. I sucked in greedily, already wanting more, holding the smoke in my lungs as long as I dared before exhaling slow. Leah returned to his side, licking and sucking the side of his neck as he took another hit and repeated his actions with her. If it were anyone other than Jacob, shot gunning would be hot as hell, sexy even. Not that Jacob wasn't attractive – I'd let him screw me seven ways to Sunday if he were interested – but he was no Edward. Before I could think too much of Edward, I allowed Jacob to fill my lungs with smoke once more. Sage had tried to shotgun me once or twice, but he was too rough, too demanding, too unwilling to let me go at my own pace, and too unwilling to let my lungs gather the reprieve of oxygen when they needed.

Even the thought of Sage had my heart twisting painfully and I pulled Jacob to me. His lips were on mine again, pulling my lower lip into his mouth and sucking softly. Kissing Jacob was harmless, and Leah was not the jealous type. There had been more than a few times that the three of us shared kisses together, and then some. Kissing Jacob made me wish for Edward's lips, though – for a kiss that truly meant something - and I pulled away quickly, running a finger over my lips.

I wanted to go back to that night of the Halloween party and kiss him for real. I wanted to tangle my fingers in his hair and bite his soft, pouty lips. I wanted to trace the angle of his jaw with my tongue and suck the pulse point on his neck. I wanted…I wanted…

But I had told him no. I had told him that I needed time, and he was respecting that wish, even though I hated that I had asked for it now.

Standing, I took the still smoldering spliff from Jacob's hand and turned away. They were so consumed in each other that they didn't throw me a parting glance. Leah's hand was definitely down Jacob's pants this time, and I could tell by their quick breaths and Jacob's uncoordinated movement of his hips, slowly grinding into the hand in his jeans, that I should definitely leave the room, lest I see something I didn't want to. Not that I hadn't seen them fuck before, but right now their touching was too gentle, too sweet, too much for me.

With a heavy sigh, I returned to my earlier perch on the roof, with no more company than the sounds of Sleeping Wolf soft in my ears and the nearly gone cigarette. Just as I knew it would be until I could get over myself and let Edward in.

!#$#!

Freshly showered, and unfulfilled from a showerhead orgasm, I laid down in bed, allowing my heart the painful squeeze of loneliness. Smoking trees always made me horny, but usually Sage was there to take care of that, even if they were usually quick, underwhelming orgasms. It was only half past eight, but I could stand the loneliness no longer. At least asleep, I couldn't feel how much it hurt.

Apparently, Saturday night was date night for all couples. Which meant all of my friends, save for Edward - whom I had continued to ignore, despite his pestering messages. But I couldn't pretend to be happy for him, and I was not going to cry on his shoulder anymore. Cailee would be spending the night at her friend's house and Charlie had taken the 'night shift.' I wasn't sure if that meant he was actually working or if he'd be with some other random chick. Hopefully this time he would go back to her place instead of bringing her here. I really hated when he did that.

I was sure if I really wanted to, someone would let me tag along on their night out, but fuck being the third wheel. That was almost worse than having a lonely heart and the whole house to myself. I debated watching a movie, but all I wanted to watch were shitty rom-coms to wallow even further in my loneliness. If I were truly desperate, I could call Sage. I could at least get a decent orgasm out of it, but I definitely did not want to wind up back in his arms, or back in a relationship with him. Besides, he had plenty of girls to keep him company. He neither wanted nor needed me. That thought hurt more than I had hoped, and I could feel the last of my buzz fade out.

Tears started to blur my vision and I pressed my palms hard to my eyes to prevent them from falling. The all too familiar feeling of a sob caught in my throat, and I swallowed hard to dislodge it. My thoughts drifted to Sage, and my hand reached towards my phone's resting place on my nightstand. I curled my fingers around it just as it started to buzz, and I jumped.

Edward's picture lit the screen, pierced tongue sticking out of that perfect mouth, green eyes dancing mischievously. I could dodge texts, but ignoring his phone call felt way too awful, more malicious.

"H-Hello?" I murmured, sheepish. He would definitely be annoyed at me for ignoring him, and I just didn't have the fight to tell him off.

"So, you can answer your phone," the hint of annoyance was evident, and I felt my eyes prick with the feeling of tears once more. The last thing I wanted was for him to be mad at me.

"I'm sorry I ignored your texts." My voice was thick with unshed tears. There was no point in lying or playing dumb, it was best to just apologize up front and hope he would forgive me.

He paused then, and I wondered if he could tell I was on the verge of tears. I certainly hoped not, but I wasn't betting on it. Edward was incredibly perceptive.

"Fuck," the curse was quiet, under his breath. I could picture him running a hand through his tangled mess of copper, pulling hard. "Are you crying?"

I scoffed. "No." But my voice broke. I rolled my eyes to myself, throwing myself back down on my bed. This was getting ridiculous. I should have cried him out of my system. Years meant nothing if they weren't honest, faithful years. So, what if he was right? What if no one ever loved me again? It would be exactly what I deserved.

I just couldn't help but think of all the plans Sage and I had made together. To go to school at Cleveland State, make something of ourselves. To get married, move away, have a family and grow old together. I wanted that. Craved it, even. He had made me believe I was worthy of those things, and he had just as quickly taken away the hope I had for my future. True, it was only junior year, but the time for college visits and applications was fast approaching. And suddenly, my perfectly planned future was gone.

"Open the door, Bella," he insisted, just as I heard a pounding at the front door.

"For fuck's sake," I hissed, ending the call. Couldn't a girl wallow in peace?

I paused at the bottom of the stairs, staring intently into the mirror on the wall. My eyes were still bloodshot and glassy, my cheeks flushed carnation pink. These things were easily explained away by tears, but Edward would be able to tell. He just seemed to know me that well. Too well.

He started pounding at the door again, startling me. I scowled in the direction of the door, stomping towards it. I wrenched it open as he raised his fist to knock again.

"What," I attempted to fill my voice with enough venom to hopefully make him go away, but it didn't work. Without waiting for me to invite him in, he took my face in his hands, searching, pushing us both inside the house. His eyes narrowed as he took me in.

"You're high," the disappointment was clear, laced thickly with those two words. If I wasn't so angry at him, I might have winced at the way my heart clenched. But I was angry. He just wouldn't leave me the hell alone.

"I was," I amended through gritted teeth. "And what do you care anyway? You've certainly been high before, it's not a foreign concept."

The ire in my voice was lost on him as my stomach growled. He rolled his eyes and dropped my face, walking determinedly towards the kitchen.

"Hey!" I spluttered, tripping behind him towards the kitchen. "What the hell are you doing here, anyway? I don't need a pity party."

His green eyes held a sharp glint as he turned to face me. "It seems I'm incapable of leaving you alone. And you're 'dealing' with the break-up sucks. You're just moping around, listening to sad songs, and getting high. Did you even eat today?"

I jutted my chin out resentfully. His words hurt more than I wanted him to know. What did he care how I dealt with my break-up anyway? And then it dawned on me that he lived with Jasper, and that Jasper had probably heard far too much from Alice about what I was or was not doing – even though I had started to ignore her texts, too. Which meant Edward knew more than I probably told him. Even still, I couldn't understand why he cared so damn much.

"I had breakfast," I nearly whispered. Breakfast consisted of a granola bar and a handful of Cailee's goldfish crackers. After that food had seemed unappealing, and so I had forgone it. It really wasn't a big deal. I truly hadn't been hungry.

I saw his jaw flex in impatience before he turned from me again. I wanted to tell him it was pointless, there wasn't much in the way of food. Being that it was my job to do the grocery shopping and I'd been too 'mopey' to do it, we had only a few leftovers, none of which were appetizing.

Edward did manage to find a loaf of bread, peanut butter, and grape jelly. So, while he smeared both spreads on two pieces of bread, I picked nervously at the kitchen table, where I had been instructed to sit. I could have easily told him to just get lost, but I didn't think he would listen, and I didn't want to fight. So, for now, I would allow him to continue.

I was presented with a crust-less sandwich and an already peeled clementine and tall glass of water. I was touched by the fact that he had remembered that I didn't like the crust of bread. I didn't even know if Sage knew – or cared.

I swallowed thickly as I picked up the sandwich. "Thank you."

Edward watched as I chewed and swallowed slowly. He tucked stray strands of hair behind my ear, his hand lingering in the still damp threads. His eyes searched my face intently, but I wasn't sure what he was looking for.

"Bella, it's been almost a month since you two broke up. We're all worried about you. Alice especially, she says you're losing weight. You haven't been yourself, at all. You're like a zombie in school, and you don't answer your phone anymore. You know we're just looking out for you, right?" His green gaze held mine as he spoke. His tone was gentler than before, but there was an undercurrent of some emotion. Fear, perhaps? I didn't like the way it colored his voice.

I shrugged half-heartedly, sucking the peanut butter from my sticky fingers. His eyes darkened ever so slightly as he watched me, and my heart stuttered. "Promise I'm fine."

But he didn't buy it. He pushed the glass of water towards me, and I sipped it slowly, thirstier than I knew. He took my plate silently, washing it quickly and placing it in the rack to dry with the other dishes he had dirtied.

I knew that now was probably horrible timing, but I really wanted to kiss him. I wanted him to touch me, tease me, please me. I wanted his hands on me, slow, rough, and warm. My breath hitched as images rushed through my mind, his hands in places begging for attention. Steeling my resolve, I stood and took the few steps towards him. He spun at my approach, and before he could protest, I tangled my fist in his hair, pulling his lips to mine. His lips were hesitant, hands frozen to his sides. Neither of us closed our eyes.

His hand moved stiffly to my chin, breaking our kiss. Afraid of his rebuke, tears stung my eyes. "Bella…"

His voice was agonized. I was instantly shameful for kissing him, sorry for making him feel like the bad guy.

"S'okay. You don't have to say anything." I brushed my thumb over my lips, feeling the delicious tingle that his left behind. There was no denying whatever was between us. We were drawn like magnets. Dejectedly, I turned from him, ready now to fall to sleep and forget this damned day.

Something akin to a growl rumbled in his chest. His hand wrapped around my wrist and pulled me back into his embrace. He freed my wrist and cupped my chin, tipping it towards him. His tongue flit out to wet his lips, brushing mine as he did. I stuttered out a breath, placing my hands on his arms to brace myself. His lips met mine softly, tenderly. The kiss was hesitant, unrushed, sweet and slow.

His mouth opened and mine followed, his tongue broaching the inside of mine. I closed my lips around his piercing, sucking just gently and then releasing. I took his bottom lip between my teeth, biting at the supple flesh. He groaned into my mouth, moving his hand to the back of my head, tangling his fingers in silky brown locks.

The first kiss Edward and I had shared was nothing in comparison to this kiss. This kiss was unlike any other kiss I'd ever had in my life. It sparked fire in my veins, sent my heart racing, blood pulsing under my skin. I could feel my heart beat in my hands, snaking their way up to his hair to grab a fistful. I never wanted to stop kissing him. I never wanted this moment to end.

Unfortunately, my aching lungs felt differently. We broke apart when they could take no more, and I sucked air in greedily as Edward attached his lips to the sensitive pulse point behind my ear. He lapped at the skin covetously, and I wanted to tell him off for what I knew would leave a mark, but I couldn't seem too care enough to force the words out. When my lungs were fully satisfied, I brought his lips back to mine, but the desperation was gone. It was as though we had both realized we could do this forever, no one could stop us, real world be damned.

The kiss trailed off into soft pecks, our lips meeting and parting in a slow dance. I could feel tears in my eyes, beginning to blur my vision.

"Edward," my voice was shaky to my own ears, and I didn't miss the smug grin that pulled at his lips.

"Yes?" His nose nuzzled the spot he marked earlier, inhaling deeply. I could just barely feel his teeth scrape across the skin, and I swallowed roughly, reflexively.

"I don't want to wait anymore." I hoped he knew what I was referring to, because I didn't think I could elaborate at that point. His mouth continued its assault on my poor skin. I could feel the heat swell and settle across my cheeks and throat, coloring me the shade of pink roses.

"Okay." He halted his assault on my skin, meeting my eyes, crooked smile tugging up one corner of his mouth. "I'm glad that's what you've decided, because I'm not a very patient man."

The teasing in his voice pulled a giggle from me, kissing his once more softly. I allowed the few collected tears to fall from my eyes and vowed they would be the last to fall for Sage.

Edward wiped them away, taking with them the last of my sorrow over the loss of my dead relationship. The future suddenly looked very, very bright.

"But if there is one thing that I'm guilty of
It's loving and giving when you take too much
If somebody asked how we died
Please look them straight in the eye

Call it suicide
Don't fabricate
Just tell them babe
It was suicide
Don't sugarcoat it
Just let them know"

Suicide - James Arthur

Two chapters so close together? You guys are lucky. I would really love some reviews though, because I don't know if you all want me to keep going. I'm currently obsessed with James Arthur, and his song Suicide fits the situation with Sage and Bella so well. So, that's all I've got for you. Hopefully the next chapter will have a little ExB action, like, for real.

Loves ya,
Kelly