=/\=

Icheb spent the first weekend he was back on Earth with Seven. Chakotay was at a conference in Luna City and wasn't expected back until Sunday night.

Seven smiled and hugged Icheb when he entered the house; but after they sat down to enjoy the autumn garden, her mood was contemplative, almost Borg-like. Icheb asked her if she was feeling well.

"I'm fine," she replied. "It's just . . . I'm sure you've noticed Chakotay and I aren't arguing as much as we were, but it's not because we're more comfortable with each other. We have little to say to one another anymore. We seem to have drifted apart."

After Icheb asked her why, she admitted, "He often attends social events with Captain Janeway which I'm unable to attend. The Delta Flyer project is in its final stages. I often must be available to our staff. It's not a problem if the event is on Earth, but many are elsewhere in the Sol System, out of transporter range."

"What does he say to you when you tell him you can't go? Does he decline invitations when you can't accompany him?"

"Chakotay accepts all social engagement invitations offered unless there's a conflict with his own schedule. He says he's grateful he was permitted to return to Starfleet and was promoted to captain. If he's asked to represent Starfleet, he goes. 'It's one of the duties of rank.'"

Icheb replied, "It is, but that doesn't mean he must accept every invitation."

She sighed. "I'm sure it's not. It's a sign of his discontent with the status of our relationship. We've had heated arguments in the past, especially over my lack of interest in becoming a Starfleet officer. He believes I would be offered a Starfleet commission immediately if I expressed an interest. Others have also, but I can't understand why Chakotay, of all people, doesn't understand my unwillingness. Even if, as he says, my knowledge, experience, and memories from Starfleet officers who had been assimilated by the Borg would allow me to be appointed without further schooling, I simply do not want a formal rank of any kind. Tertiary Adjunct to the Unimatrix 01 was close enough to me. I'm content with my position as a civilian consultant. Becoming an officer is your dream, not mine."

"Then you shouldn't worry about it. No one can accuse you of failing to contribute your expertise to Starfleet, even though you're not an officer. Tell me, Civilian Consultant, if the project you're consulting on is in its final stages, what you will do next? Will you remain here, on Earth?"

"I may move to Utopia Planitia. Their staff has invited me to work with them on the Folding Space Drive Project once the Delta Flyer shuttle series is ready for production."

"I thought the problems were all solved. The Delta Flyer shuttles have that drive installed, don't they? Or did your team give up on that?"

"No, Icheb. The version the engineers finally came up with works well enough on a craft the size of a shuttle, but it's still not viable for larger spaceships. That's what they want us to work on. They've asked B'Elanna to join the work group as well."

"What about Tom? He's expecting to return to his position as Voyager's chief helmsman once the refit has been finished."

She looked away, a sad expression on her face. "I believe the refit has been finished for several weeks. Voyager hasn't been cleared for relaunch."

"Don't you think it ever will be?"

"No," she said brusquely. "I believe the ship will become a museum. While Captain Janeway and most of our crew want the ship returned to active status, many in Starfleet Command would prefer it to remain on the ground forever. I understand many Federation Council representatives are in favor of the museum concept as well."

Both fell silent for several minutes. Icheb had hoped to be able to serve on Voyager someday, preferably under Captain Janeway. That seemed unlikely now. He didn't like the idea the captain would accept a promotion to admiral, even though he knew the rumor she would "any day now" circulated constantly within Starfleet circles.

His desires meant nothing to those who had the power to make such a decision. Obsessing over what might never be was useless. His time would be better spent enjoying the surrounding garden. It was peaceful here. He hadn't been able to come here often since Seven began to live here. The soft breeze stirred his hair, closely-clipped as it was, and caused the fall flowers to bob gently, almost as if they were the heads of alien animal life forms, rather than representatives of the Terran plant kingdom. He would miss this if Seven moved to Mars to work at Utopia Planitia. When he mentioned this observation to Seven, however, she surprised him by her reply.

"I may keep the house. The position at Utopia Planitia would be time limited. I may wish to return to Earth once that commitment is fulfilled. I like this house. Besides, you should have a home available to you for as long as you're still at the Academy."

"And, of course, Chakotay will still be living here, since he teaches at the Academy," Icheb remarked.

Seven turned away from him after he said this and looked far away into the distance. Eventually, she murmured softly, "I don't know if he would wish to remain here without me. Or with me, for that matter."

"Seven! What are you saying?"

She turned her eyes back to him and asked, "You've seen him with Captain Janeway, walking on campus, haven't you? Whenever I see him with Captain Janeway, they seem to be at ease with each other. She touches him on the arm, and he smiles back at her in the way he used to towards me. He seems to be more attached to her now than he is to me. Do you agree?"

He'd seen them together many times, and not just on campus. Whenever they were together, although he didn't notice any overt indications of a romance, he couldn't miss seeing how much they enjoyed each other's company. Icheb didn't know how to answer her. She did it for him.

"By your silence, you've confirmed my opinion."

"They're very good friends." The skeptical expression on her face after he made this innocuous, accurate, but very obvious observation prompted him to add, "Very good friends. Seven, please don't be upset, but from what I've seen, Chakotay and Janeway do seem good for each other."

She sighed. "I can't be upset when I think they are, too. Icheb, do you think Chakotay and I are what B'Elanna calls Harry and Libby's relationship? 'Mok'tah,' I believe is the Klingon term?"

"You've talked about this with B'Elanna?"

"She's known Chakotay for a long time. I asked her what she thought. I knew she would give me her honest opinion. When I asked her if she thought he was more attached to Captain Janeway than me, she didn't want to answer me at first, either. Then she admitted she did. She said she'd never understood how we became a couple in the first place. Then she mentioned her grandmother used the term about her parents, who separated when B'Elanna was just a child. I asked her to tell me exactly what this meant, and she did. It hurt, but I could see why she said it. Chakotay and I are . . . very different."

Icheb didn't say anything. He realized he didn't have to. Seven tightened her chin in the way she always did when coming to a decision with which she would brook no arguments. "I doubt our relationship will last much longer. It may be better if we broke up now. There's no point in prolonging a liaison that is no longer viable."

"If you do break up, will you be able to remain friends with him? And with the captain?"

"It will be difficult, but it will be harder to interact with each other in the future if we end our relationship in a bitter argument. Captain Janeway has been my mentor and defender ever since my link with the Collective was broken. She's placed herself in harm's way for me many times. As fraught as our relationship has sometimes been, to end our friendship because we are both attracted to the same man would be unjust." She looked away from Icheb. "I'm not even sure I am attracted to Chakotay the way I was in the beginning. He's a fine man, but I think the Klingon term may be accurate. We aren't a good match."

"I wish I could say otherwise, but I've thought that for quite a while now."

She sighed as she continued to gaze into the distance, in the direction of the Pacific Ocean, although it wasn't visible from this garden. The only sign it was nearby was the faint scent of brine in the sea breeze blowing towards them. Eventually she said, "I will miss Chakotay. In the beginning, we shared a loving relationship."

"I'm sure you did, but Chakotay is the first man you ever had a relationship with. Your first love. There will be others, Seven. What you're feeling now is normal. Tom told me all about it when I broke up with my girlfriend."

Her head whipped around and she stared at him. "Girlfriend? What girlfriend?"

Whoops! He'd forgotten he'd never mentioned Jolana Tor to Seven before this. Sheepishly, he admitted, "I was seeing a cadet for a short time. My suitemates all thought Jolana and I were 'mok'tah,' too."

"Why didn't you ever tell me?"

"I tried to, once. Remember when I came to your house last spring? We spoke about gardening, but what I really wanted to talk with you about was my girlfriend. When I saw how things were between you and Chakotay, I didn't feel I could bring it up. You seemed so at odds with each other. I left early that day. I asked you if anything was wrong. You told me I shouldn't be concerned, but I couldn't help it. I was. Jolana dumped me a week or so after that."

Seven sighed. "You had a right to be concerned after all, Icheb. I'm sorry. If you'd confided in me, I would have listened to you and given you advice - although I'm not sure how valuable it would have been. I haven't managed my own relationship very well."

"I spoke with Tom Paris. He helped me."

"He has ample experience in the subject," she remarked drily.

Icheb laughed. "He told me I had a case of 'First Love.' When you experience these feelings for the first time, you're sure you've found the perfect mate. When it doesn't work out, you feel terrible. Later on, though, when you find someone else, you know what love is all about because you've had that first experience. He told me when you feel real love, you'll know the difference."

"Axum was my first love, Icheb."

"That isn't the same thing. You were never physically together. Until you're actually with someone, and truly share yourselves, body and soul, you don't really know."

"Unimatrix Zero was a very unique place. How do you know what we shared?"

Icheb wasn't sure how to respond to this. Mezoti knew more about Unimatrix Zero than he did. However, the bodies of Seven and Axum were physically half a galaxy away from each other's whenever they visited that virtual reality. Icheb decided to answer her with another question. "I don't know much about it, that's true. Let me ask you this, though. Did you ever feel about Chakotay the way you felt about Axum? I remember how sad you were when you realized how far away Axum was from you in reality. That you could never be with him again in any way, since Unimatrix Zero had been destroyed."

She took a deep breath before answering, "I don't think I ever did. After I remembered how it had been between Axum and me, I didn't want it to ever end."

"I'm sure you didn't," he said, smiling sadly. "Is that why you've clung so closely to Chakotay for so long?"

"Not really. After what we learned what happened between us on Admiral Janeway's Voyager, I was sure we would be able to overcome our problems eventually. I thought our love would be enough. It wasn't."

"Seven, with the limited number of available partners on that ship, and its long period of isolation from the Federation, that Seven and Chakotay had plenty of time to work out the rough spots. Admiral Janeway wanted to convince our captain to change her mind and cooperate with her plan. She told us what she needed to push her agenda along. She may not have known about disagreements the two of them had. On the admiral's Voyager, there weren't any real alternatives for either of you."

"Chakotay could have entered into a relationship with Captain Janeway."

"You know she'd never have let that happen while they were captain and first officer on the same ship. She'd never have broken the protocols forbidding it. I'm not sure he would, either."

For a moment, he thought she might argue the point, but then she admitted, "It's true. If they'd wished, they could have formed a relationship long before I arrived on Voyager."

"Many of the crew believe they did, while the two were marooned on the planet called New Earth because of an insect-borne illness. They were alone for months and never expected to be able leave. From what Tom, Harry, and B'Elanna have said, no one knows exactly what happened during that time, but when Voyager came back with the antidote, they didn't seem as excited about their 'rescue' as many of the crew expected. But from then on, as the most senior officers on the ship, they always followed the Starfleet protocols about non-fraternization."

Seven pondered this for a long while, but when she spoke again, her question changed the subject. "Does it upset you to know Chakotay will not adopt you now?"

"He never did in the admiral's time stream even though he married her Seven. I don't know how my counterpart felt about their relationship. I wish I'd been able to get a letter from him, to find out what he really thought of it all. The admiral's letter said they were a happy family 'as far as anyone knew.' I find that curious wording. I sometimes think her Icheb felt left out of their relationship and never pushed the issue while his mother was alive. And once she was gone, that Chakotay sounds like he became seriously depressed. I'm not really upset our Chakotay never made any overtures about adopting me, even though having a father to love me would be nice."

"Chakotay and I discussed the possibility several times. He admitted he was ambivalent about adopting you because you had almost reached adulthood. I was unhappy he thought having a mother was enough for you. He believed we should have a child of our own."

"Could you? In the admiral's letter, she stated her Seven was unable to have a baby. The Borg put our Six of Six in a maturation chamber right away, when she was nowhere near being ready to live on her own. Is there a reason for that other than convenience?"

"Before you came to Voyager, I did have a child - in a way, since he became an adult within hours of his birth. My son One was created from the Doctor's 29th century mobile emitter, my DNA, and Ensign Mulcahey's. His entire gestation was spent inside an advanced maturation chamber. Perhaps I would require such a device to have a baby of my own."

When she paused, Icheb hesitantly suggested, "Chakotay might have preferred to adopt Mezoti. She's younger. He might have found it easier to accept that she needed a father."

Seven gazed sadly at Icheb. "Perhaps. I would have preferred to adopt you both."

=/\=

Stardate 55894.4 7 Personal Log Entry, Cadet Icheb Hansen

My mother Seven and Chakotay have agreed they will be better off if they lived apart. He moved out of the house two days ago, into an apartment building reserved for Academy faculty. It's closer to the campus than Seven's house is, but not by much. They'll still be neighbors. They've agreed to remain friends and expect to continue to socialize occasionally. She asked me not to mention their separation to any of our friends and crewmates, which is a little disturbing. While Seven expects her relationship to end, now that Chakotay has moved out of the house, she admitted to retaining a slight glimmer of hope that "absence will make our hearts grow fonder." I do not wish to disillusion her, but I don't see that happening. However, I will honor her wishes not to disclose the change in their relationship until they see fit to announce it themselves.

There will be a big formal dinner marking the first anniversary of Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant in December, just before Christmas. Starfleet began planning it months ago, and Chakotay and Seven have agreed to attend together. Miral's first birthday party will be the same day, in the afternoon. Seven isn't sure she'll go to that one, since it will be geared to children. I plan on going to Miral's party on my own. Mrs. Paris asked me to help her set up some of the activities she has planned for the children at the party.

As a member of Voyager's crew, I was also invited to the formal dinner, of course. My suitemates received invitations as well. Austin will be home with his family for the holidays by then, but Verit and Farys will both come with me to the anniversary celebration. Technically, my "date" will be Farys. Verit will be attending "stag," since she's now a married woman. Torin left for his long-range expedition two weeks ago. He's not expected to return until after our graduation from the Academy. Farys was quite upset by the way he "abandoned" his bride, but Verit explained it isn't that unusual for Vulcan spouses to spend years apart. Tuvok and T'Pel were separated for more than seven years! While that is unusual, neither of them anticipated it would last that long.

Since she knows I'm aware of the facts of Vulcan life, thanks to what I learned on Voyager, Verit also spoke to me in private about the situation. She told me Vulcan couples do attempt to be near each other when they know the "time that is appointed" will soon arrive. Usually, they try to remain in close proximity from the end of the sixth year of their "cycle" until their pon farr is resolved. While to Farys or anyone else who asks, she claims to be completely "at peace" with her new husband's decision to take part in an expedition that will last for almost two years, I know she isn't. I think the reason she discussed it with me was to reassure herself that it doesn't bother her, when it actually does.

If I wasn't keeping Seven and Chakotay's separation to myself, as I was asked, I would have discussed my perceptions about their situation with Verit. I can't, of course, but I have thought about it - a lot. I see why they were attracted to each other. He's a very handsome man. She's an exceptionally attractive woman. Because of their limited opportunities for finding a compatible mate on Voyager, they became involved without taking into account the difficulties their very different personalities might present to an ongoing relationship. I can't blame Seven about this. Her lack of experience in these matters blinded her to the likelihood they would have difficulties adjusting to each other. I do wonder why Chakotay failed to anticipate problems, however. They were at odds from the very first hour Seven arrived on Voyager, and even more after the captain "adopted" her into the "Voyager collective." He's much older than she is, but the gap in their ages wouldn't have mattered if they viewed life the same way. He's a spiritual man who relies on his past experiences as well as his instincts when he makes decisions. Seven is all about facts and figures, but she's prone to making snap decisions. That can lead to complications which would be avoided if she weren't so quick to act.

What bothers me the most, however, is that he knows how difficult relationships can be. He was involved with Seska, a Cardassian spy (as B'Elanna often laments, since she was taken in by her as completely as Chakotay was). A former Borg, Riley Frazier, romanced him and then used him when the group she was part of wanted to form a "Cooperative." I know about those encounters because they happened on Voyager. It's hard to believe he hasn't had other romantic relationships even before this. He should have known better than to become involved with Seven, who was as innocent as a child in such matters. Her only previous attachment was with Axum, during visits to Unimatrix Zero. As strongly as Seven may have felt for Axum, their entire relationship was played out within the confines of a virtual reality world. No matter how "real" it seemed to be, it was all, quite literally, in their minds. The little she actually knew about the physical aspects of relationships came from vague memories she retained from beings who'd enjoyed such experiences before their assimilation. I've compared my affair with Jolana to my memories from the same source. There's simply no comparison.

Admiral Janeway described how despondent her Chakotay became after he lost Seven on her Voyager. I wonder - was that relationship really as close and loving as the admiral said it was? Or maybe thought it was? Did he fall apart because he felt guilt as much as pain from his lost love? The journey to the Alpha Quadrant lasted thirteen more years for the admiral's crew. After he lost Seven, he fell into a deep depression and never came out of it for the rest of his life. My Captain Janeway fell victim to that malady herself at one time, according to Neelix, so I guess she knew a lot about it from first-hand experience. But I also remember what Neelix me about its source. Captain Janeway's depression originated from her feelings of guilt that she'd stranded the crews of Voyager and the Val Jean in the Delta Quadrant, protecting strangers instead of finishing her mission and saving her own people.

I guess I may be reading too much into this. We can't ask the admiral about the details anymore. She's gone. So is the entire history of her Voyager and its crew. All I can do is speculate, but I think the story she told us might have been oversimplified. She came back in time to change history to save the lives of the members of the crew she lost, including my counterpart. I accept that as fact. I'm sure she grieved about us for years. My Captain Janeway still grieves over those she lost in the seven years our Voyager traveled through the Delta Quadrant. It also must have been terrible to watch Chakotay fall apart while Tuvok deteriorated mentally. I wonder if guilt, rather than grief, was an even bigger factor than she'd admitted to us. And how much worse would it have been for her if she had loved Chakotay all those years, a love which would remain unrequited for her entire lifetime. If she felt for him in the way my crewmates believe she did, his inconsolable grief must have been unbearable for her to witness.

I'm sure Seven will get over him eventually. I'm confident she'll find someone else to love who will be a much better match for her than Chakotay was. And now that Chakotay is free, I hope he'll find another love, too. There are no protocols forbidding a relationship with Captain Janeway anymore. They hold the same rank, and they aren't in the same chain of command.

I've learned enough about First Love from my research to know what I must do, or in some ways, not do, for Seven. First, I'll allow my mother mourn her loss. A lost love is much like a death, I've discovered. There are stages of grief. I must be prepared for her to be angry with me sometimes, just because I'm there. She will be depressed at times, too. I'll resist the temptation to try to set her up with someone I'd like for a father. That doesn't work out very often. While there are a few stories about that happening, I have a hunch the reason people like to hear them is because they're so rarely successful. I'll make time to visit her at home as often as I can, even though I'll be busy with school. I must let her give vent to her emotions, especially since she now feels them fully. Eventually she'll feel better.

And it will be much easier in one way. I won't have to agonize anymore over Seven and Chakotay, a couple who, as B'Elanna said, are "mok'tah." A bad match.

=/\=