Trigger warning. Proceed with caution.

If You Could See Into My Soul

Chapter 15 – The Luckiest

Bella's POV

I was sad to see the end of summer. It was, undoubtedly, the best summer of my life.

Edward and I had been nearly inseparable, spending all of our free time together. A lot of the time, that also included his siblings and Alice. Sometimes Jake and Leah, too. We stayed up late, drove to the beach, drank a little too much, laughed, and loved. Edward and I spent all our money on concerts, singing our hearts out to our favorite songs.

Correction: I spent all my money, while Edward protested me spending it. He hardly put a dent in his bank account, despite all the spoiling of me he insisted on.

And on the days I was sad, for reasons I didn't know, he held me close and reminded me how much he loved me. Promised me the whole world, and then some.

Thanks to him, I was feeling better than I had in years.

We had only just gotten to bed, staying up too late because of our unwillingness to see the summer end. Edward was fast asleep beside me, the two of us squished close in my bed. Charlie was working the night shift again, leaving Cailee with us. Edward had said we could go to his place, but I knew how Cailee was the night before her first day of school. And I was sure she'd at least want to be in her own house.

Which is why I was unsurprised to hear the squeak of the doorknob as it turned. And even less surprised to find Cailee scrubbing her hands over her tear-streaked face, hiccupping. She approached my bed wordlessly, finger tucked between her teeth. She held her stuffed owl in her free hand. The clock on the nightstand told me it was nearly two in the morning.

"C'mere, bug," I whispered. I lifted the blankets for her to crawl in, but she looked over me to Edward.

He was spooning me, arms wrapped tight around my torso. I nudged him with my elbow, and he startled, one eye opening to take me in, before they landed on Cailee. He offered her a crooked grin.

"Scoot," I murmured, pulling his arms away from me.

With a huff, he released me and turned on his stomach, pillow hugged to his face. He was asleep again in seconds, softly snoring.

Once Cailee was satisfied that he was asleep and not paying her any attention, she squeezed in next to me, arms around my neck. Despite already being too hot from having Edward wrapped around me, I held her tighter, squishing her stuffy – Oswald – between us.

I kissed her forehead, swiping away tears from her lashes. "What's wrong?"

She sniffled, blue eyes so, so sad. Her lip quivered before a sob broke free. "I want mommy."

"I know, lovey, I know."

It wasn't our mother she cried for, it was any mother. A mother to show her love and affection, someone to hold her when she was scared. Charlie was doing better, but he definitely struggled with showing any physical affection. And I had been so wrapped up in Edward, that Cailee had lately been the last thing on my mind.

"Will you stay with me, will you be my love?/ Among the fields of barley/ You can tell the sun in his jealous sky/ When we walk in fields of gold…" I sang the words softly so as not to wake Edward. It was the song we used to play for Cailee when she was just a baby. It always seemed to bring her peace.

And I vowed to myself to do better for her. She needed that from me.

!#$#!

Between the well-placed kicks to the shin from Cailee and the overwhelming heat from Edward's body in my small bed, I hardly slept. And a sleep deprived Bella, was not a happy Bella.

My crankiness in the morning, to me, was well justified. Edward thought it was 'cute.' When I'd threatened to withhold sex for at least a week, he hadn't thought it was so cute anymore, the cheeky grin falling from his pretty face.

He had slipped into a pair of skinny jeans and a t-shirt, new maroon Vans on his feet and a beanie on his head. He then disappeared while I got myself and Cailee ready. Sometimes I wished I was a guy, only so that I didn't care what I wore. But, being the first day of senior year, I wanted to look good.

And besides that, Alice would never let me live it down if I showed up in anything less than presentable.

Cailee sat still enough for me to put two French braids in her hair, tying the ends with pink hair ties to match her pink dress. The blonde locks were nearly to her waist now, and she despised having anything done to them. Unless, of course, it was Rosalie doing her hair. That, she had no problem with. I suspected Cailee was too nervous about her first day of second grade to argue with me, too exhausted from the crying that had lasted a good portion of the night.

Edward reappeared as I pulled on my pleated black skirt. It ended just before my knees, and I paired it with a simple white and black striped shirt. I slipped on a few random rings and different sized silver studs in each of my three piercings in each ear. My trusty tattered white Vans completed my look.

He thrust a Dunkin Donuts cup at me, his signature crooked grin in place. I grinned as I took it from him, patting his cheek affectionately. "You're sweet."

He chuckled, shaking his head. His green eyes were positively dancing with happiness. "Almost as sweet as that drink."

I took a pull of the cold, sugary liquid, humming in contentment. He had remembered my favorite – iced caramel latte, with extra caramel. He was forever indulging my sweet tooth, even though it was really no good for me. Though I wasn't as self-conscious as I probably should have been, I had noticed my stomach wasn't quite as concave as it had been. Edward quite liked my body, though.

We descended the stairs together, where I found Cailee munching away at a donut. I shot Edward a look, but he shrugged, not looking sorry for spoiling her at all.

Charlie sat at the table also, a Styrofoam cup of coffee before him. He looked absolutely exhausted, and not for the first time, I wondered if it was actually work that kept him away at night. It wouldn't be the first lie he'd told.

"Morning, kids," he grumbled, taking a long pull of his coffee. He, too, grabbed a donut from the box on the table and started picking it apart.

"Morning, chief," Edward supplied, pulling my denim jacket from the hook by the door. I allowed him to slip it over my shoulders, even though it was probably too warm for it. I slung my messenger bag across my chest and bent to kiss Cailee on the cheek.

"Have a great day, bug. I'll be there to pick you up after, okay?"

"Bye Bella." She waved half-heartedly as we exited through the door.

Alice was nearly vibrating with excitement as we pulled in her driveway. It should be illegal for someone to be so chipper that early in the morning. She practically skipped to the car.

"Oh, my God," she squealed, slamming the door behind her. "Can you guys believe we're seniors?"

"Nope," Edward replied, swiftly backing out the drive.

"Hardly," I murmured. I only had a few sips of coffee left, and it was making me really sad. I was half tempted to ask Edward to drive past Dunkin Donuts, so I could get another one, but I refrained.

Alice rolled her eyes, undeterred by our less than happy attitudes. "Whatever. I'm so excited! I've already started looking at prom dresses, and Bella, I have the perfect dress for you!"

"Alice!" I turned to stare at her, wide eyed. She couldn't be serious, could she? But it was Alice. Of course, she was serious.

Her eye widened, the picture of innocence. "Bella! We have to find our dresses now before all the good ones are taken! Honestly. Have I taught you nothing?"

I shook my head sadly. "Alice, really. Prom is almost nine months away. And who said I'll be going to prom anyway?"

At this, Edward quirked a brow. "You don't want to go to prom?"

Alice nearly pounced on me. As it was, her fingers curled into the leather of my seat. "Isabella, so help me God. You are going to prom, even if I have to drag you there kicking and screaming. It's a once in a lifetime thing. You can't skip it."

"You went to prom this year," I pointed out, referring to her having gone with Jasper. "Clearly, not once in a lifetime."

She sniffed, arms crossed defiantly over her chest. "Yes, but you didn't go. So, it'll be once in a lifetime for you. You're going to prom, end of."

Deciding that arguing with Alice wasn't worth it, because she would undoubtedly get her way, I remained silent the rest of the ride. Despite the caffeine and sugar I'd consumed, I was still tired and irritable. I didn't even protest when she reached between the front seats to change the radio station.

"See you at lunch!" Alice chirped, bouncing from the car towards the doors.

Edward tugged me from the car, my scowl still firmly in place. He slung my messenger bag over his shoulder, trying, and failing, not to smile too much at my sour mood. He thought my pissy moods were funny. I didn't.

I dug my hand in his back pocket, curling them around the half empty pack of cigarettes. I shook one into my palm, lit it, and tossed the pack back to him. I hardly smoked anymore, and he had also cut back, but he still carried them around 'just in case.'

"Honey," Edward sighed. He pulled me away from the door, taking the cigarette from between my lips. He took a drag from it and then threw it to the ground, stomping it out.

"Hey!" I protested, my lips slipping into a pout.

His hand cupped my neck, green eyes searching my face. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head, sighing. There really wasn't anything wrong. Just sleep deprivation.

Edward's other hand fell to my waist, and then to my ass. I quirked a brow at his innocent grin, pushing his hand away. He merely moved it to the hem of the skirt, and I was almost sorry I had worn it at all.

"I like when you wear skirts. It makes this easier." His fingers moved higher, igniting the flesh of my thigh. Another inch, and he'd be skimming the edge of my panties. I can't say I didn't wear skirts for the same reason, but I was too annoyed to enjoy his teasing.

"Would you quit it?" I tugged his hand away, curling my fingers around it to keep it out from under my skirt. There were giggles from students passing by as they stared at us. Well, Edward was hardly being discreet.

"You're grouchy today." He chuckled, lips kissing the pulse point behind my ear. His stubble tickled my chin, making me shiver.

"And you're cheeky." I retorted, nose scrunching to show my displeasure.

"Cheeky?" His nose wrinkled adorably, and I wondered what I had been upset about in the first place.

"Annoyingly so," I murmured. But I leaned up to catch his lips with mine, twining my fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck.

"Well, c'mon then. Don't wanna be late on the first day," he groused as he untangled my hand from his hair.

I pouted, but followed him in. He walked me to my first class, pausing outside the door to kiss me again. He offered me a piece of gum, and I popped it in my mouth to rid my breath of the cigarette. He moved my messenger bag from his shoulder to mine.

"I'll see you," kiss, "next period."

"Mm'kay," I murmured against his lips, but didn't move away. The warning bell chimed.

He shook his head, backing away slowly, grinning. I turned to go into the room, but he spun me around, planting one last, lingering kiss on my lips. "Love you."

I couldn't help the stupid smile that spread across my face as I turned into the room. My hand came up to run over my tingling lips, and my smile dropped immediately as I saw who else was in my first period class. And naturally, because God hated me, and because I let Edward consume the morning, there was only one seat left.

Right in front of Sage.

The good mood I had found with Edward instantly vanished. I stared at the open seat, trying my hardest not to notice the cocky smirk on Sage's face. He looked to the guy next to him and laughed, blue eyes menacing.

A throat cleared behind me, and I jumped. "If you'll take a seat, miss…."

"Right. Sorry," I stammered, blushing crimson as the teacher stalked to his desk. I swallowed thickly as I made my way to the open seat, turning my back on Sage quickly and sliding into the desk.

"Bella, Bella, Bella," I heard him mutter, and then so gently, a tug of my hair. "Cullen's making you pack on the pounds, I see. You'll be less likely to find someone after he dumps you. Smart guy."

I bit my lip, willing the angry tears that sprang to my eyes to disperse. Sage knew exactly how to push my buttons. I wasn't fat, I never had been. Edward and I had already had that discussion. I hadn't gained more than seven pounds since he and I had been together, and that hardly made up for the weight I had lost when Sage and I broke up. It wasn't my fault Sage liked his girls damn near anorexic.

Still, a mantra of he loves me, I'm not fat, started in my head, and my hands fell protectively over my stomach.

"And honestly, what he's let you do to your hair, and how he lets you dress…" Sage trailed off with a sigh, and I could only imagine the shake of his head. He sounded so disappointed. The friend next to him snickered, and I leveled him with a glare. The blond grinned, hazel eyes oddly hostile. I'd never even met him.

"What do you care?" I spat, fingers curling into the fabric of my skirt. Edward was my boyfriend, the love of my life, not my keeper. He didn't 'let me' do anything, because I didn't have to ask his permission. I was my own person with Edward, something I had never been with Sage. And I wasn't about to explain that to him.

"Honestly, B, I don't. I always knew what kind of whore you were. I'm just surprised Cullen lets you show it so easily." Sage snickered, bumping fists with the blond on his right.

I spun in my seat, face hot with the intensity of my blush. "Don't you have anything better to talk about?"

"Yeah, sure, plenty." Sage leaned forward, his face just inches from mine. He smirked, reaching up to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. "How many guys you fucked lately?"

I recoiled from him in disgust, biting my lip against what I wanted to say. The last thing I needed was detention on the first day. Sage laughed again, the blond joining in. I wanted to punch their stupid, smug faces.

The teacher looked over in annoyance, snapping his fingers. "Gentlemen, if you please."

Senior year was going to suck.

!#$#!

Edward's POV

Bella wasn't speaking. She hadn't spoken a word since before first period, and I could guess why. The asshole had thrown me a middle finger as he'd exited the room behind her. She hadn't even offered me a hello as she walked past me, and she hadn't turned or paused when I called after her.

She hadn't spoken a single word to me in the three periods we had together afterwards. She hardly looked in my direction.

And she was most definitely avoiding all physical contact.

She pushed the food resembling pasta around the lunch tray morosely. My arm was draped across the back of her chair, decidedly not touching her. She'd flinched earlier when I had reached out to fix a stray strand of hair, and she had quickly crossed her arms when Jacob approached for a hug.

Alice pursed her lips, sharing a look with Jacob. She jerked her head in Bella's direction with a raised brow. He shrugged, eyes wide, and looked to me. Alice cocked her head in my direction, eyes narrowed. I returned her glare with a shake of my head.

I don't know what the hell we were silently discussing, but I think Alice was trying to place blame on someone for Bella's mood. I could tell her exactly who to blame. Just not now. Alice jabbed Jacob in the side and nodded in Bella's direction again.

"So, Bella," Jacob cleared his throat, sitting straighter in his seat. He scratched at the back of his neck, seemingly at a loss of what to say.

Bella looked up from her untouched lunch, dropping the fork and pushing it away. Her back was stiff as a rod to avoid touching my arm, and I dropped it, feeling guilty.

"How's your first day going?" Jacob finished lamely, a tight smile on his face. Alice rolled her eyes, stuffing a forkful of salad in her mouth.

Bella furrowed her brow, looking away towards the entrance of the cafeteria. I could tell she wanted to bolt, but I wasn't sure if she would. She turned back to Jacob, only offering him a shrug in answer.

Alice pointed her fork in Bella's direction, a hard scowl on her face. "I don't know what's going on with you today, but you had better eat something."

"Fuck off, Alice."

The venom in Bella's voice, quiet as it was, surprised Jacob and I. Alice merely rolled her eyes, discarding her fork. She folded her hands on the table, eyes trained on Bella's face.

"Are you going to tell me what happened? You seemed fine this morning."

"I said fuck. Off. Alice." Bella's hands curled into fists as she pushed away from the table. She grabbed for her messenger bag, but I held tight to the strap in an attempt to make her stay. With a frustrated growl, she shoved the bag in my direction and stormed out of the room.

"Seriously, Alice. You know better," Jacob scolded. His leg bounced nervously under the table as he watched Bella exit the lunch room. I wanted to offer the kid a cigarette, so he'd calm down. He was making me nervous.

Alice shook her head. "That went better than I expected. I think she'll be fine."

"What, that was a…test? You wanted to see how far you could push her?" I seethed. Didn't Alice know how badly that could backfire? She could push Bella towards things I'd worked hard to prevent. Bella hadn't self-harmed all summer, and she'd kept her promise to tell me when she felt the need. Alice's pushing could have ruined all of that.

Alice scoffed. "Edward, really. Do you have any idea how long Jacob and I have been doing this? I know my best friend. Sometimes, you have to push her for an answer. Here, hand me her bag."

I did as she asked, more than a little confused. Alice flipped the bag open, fingers digging in the pocket that held Bella's writing utensils. With a sad sigh, Alice withdrew what looked like a folded-up napkin. She unfolded it slowly, revealing a razor blade. I was more than a little surprised because I thought she had gotten rid of them. She told me she had, anyway. Jacob quickly grabbed the napkin, refolded it, and stuffed it in his pocket.

"See?" Alice said sadly, handing the bag back to me. "She didn't fight you for the bag. I think she'll be fine."

Fuck, was she wrong.

!#$#!

Bella didn't return to lunch. And she never showed up to the class after lunch. Every tick of the minute hand drove anxiety deeper and deeper in my stomach until I was actually nauseous. I couldn't even text her because her phone was in the messenger bag she left behind at lunch.

When the bell finally rang to signal the end of the period, I nearly sprinted from the room. I took the stairs two at a time, my heart pounding, towards the girl's room closest to the cafeteria. These restrooms were hardly used, which made them a great place to hide.

I slipped inside the door, letting it close slowly, dimming the voices of passing students. "Bella?"

It was silent, but an awful, heavy silence. I licked my lips nervously, peering around the corner towards the stalls. One door was shut, and I moved towards it. There was a crunch beneath my shoe, and I looked down to see shattered glass. I turned to my left, seeing one of the mirrors above the row of sinks shattered. There was blood on the remaining glass. I swallowed against the bile in my throat, taking another step forward.

"Bella, are you in here?"

I heard a faint sniffle from the closed stall, and I swear my heart stopped. With quick steps, I came to the closed door. I pushed against it but was unsurprised to find it locked.

"Bella, please. Open the door."

I spread my palm against the cool metal of the door. I was ready for a fight, ready to crawl beneath the stall door and shake some damned sense into her. But I was afraid, too. Afraid to see what she had done to herself.

Hadn't she figured out by now that hurting herself hurt me, too?

A brief moment of hesitation, and then the lock slid back, and the door swung in.

"Christ, Bella. What happened?"

I was on my knees in a second, capturing her bloody hand in my own. There were drips of blood on the floor, down her legs and on her shoes. Her hands trembled, eyes looking through me. I grabbed her chin, probably rougher than I should have, pulling her face closer to mine.

"Isabella, tell me what happened."

One side of her mouth lifted in a humorless smile. She raised her palm to my cheek, thumb tracing my quivering lips. I kissed her bloodied fingers, held tight to her uninjured hand.

"Red is such a pretty color," she murmured, coffee eyes a million miles away. Her gaze flickered to mine briefly. "Don't you think?"

!#$#!

"Edward."

Carlisle's voice pulled me from my thoughts. He entered the heavy wooden door, shutting it softly behind him. His eyes briefly flicked to Bella, asleep in the hospital bed, and came back to me.

"What happened?"

I bowed my head, clasping my fingers together behind my neck. She had told me what happened, but I wasn't sure that I believed her. There wasn't a better explanation I could come up with, though. And her reasoning? She hadn't told me that, yet.

"She punched a mirror," I spat. Punched it hard enough, repeatedly, to break her hand in two different places. Hard enough to cut the skin of her hand and hard enough to shade her knuckles a sickening black and blue.

"And the other…injury?" Again, he looked to her. His eyes were guarded, keeping his judgement to himself. But this was not the first time he'd had to sedate her. And I was so tired, so fucking tired.

"Says she doesn't remember."

I hadn't noticed the amount of blood on her leg until she had stood. Her skirt had covered her knee, and when I pulled her to her feet, I could see the blood running down her thigh. On the floor, behind her right foot, was a shard of glass, painted with her blood.

Seven stitches. She'd made a gash long enough and deep enough to require stitches. And she couldn't fucking remember doing it. Bella didn't notice the cut until we'd reached the emergency room. And then, like a veil lifting, she had called to me, fear in her voice. 'Edward, what did I do?'

"Edward."

At the sound of her voice, I was on my feet. There were already tears in her eyes, sorrow in their depths. I watched her swallow thickly as her unbandaged hand grabbed mine.

"I'm so sorry," she choked. "So, so sorry. You don't…deserve this. I'm a fucking disaster."

"Hush," I chastised, kissing her hand. Carlisle subtly slipped out of the room as I climbed in the bed beside her, tucking her head against my chest. How I wished to take the pain from her, bury her in myself. Hide her from herself.

"You don't…have to stay. It's okay. Everyone gets sick of me."

"Isabella." My voice was sharp, and her neck snapped back at the sound of it to catch my eyes. I swiped my hand under her eyes, ignoring the way my vision blurred from the saltwater in my eyes. "I could never be sick of you."

Her lips lifted in a sad attempt at a smile that quickly disappeared. Her eyes fell to my chest, fingers twisting the fabric of my shirt around my collar. After all this time, the countless times I've told her I love her, it still hurt that she believed I would leave her someday. As if I ever could.

I worked hard to soften my tone. "Except, you know, that drive to Columbus. When you sang really, really badly to Backstreet Boys the whole way. I was pretty sick of you then. But never enough to get rid of you. Never ever."

A flush of crimson blossomed in her cheeks, a more prominent smile gracing her lips. The memory seemed so far away, though it had been only less than a month. Her brows pulled together as she licked her lips nervously. She hid her eyes again with a frown. "Did I really…"

She reached beneath the blanket to her thigh. The sutures were hardly tangible through the bandage, but still her eyes widened. Her lips slipped into a pout, eyes filling with tears.

Bella shook her head as a sob slipped through her lips. The back of her hand flew to her mouth as her shoulders shook. "I-I don't remem…remember."

"It's okay, my love," I soothed, pulling her more securely around me. "I've got you now. You're going to be okay."

The sound she released then scared the hell out of me, something between a wail and a sob. Her hand gripped me tighter around the neck. She threw her leg over mine, hooked her foot behind my knee. And then she cried. Like I never heard anyone cry before. It fucking hurt me to hear her cry like that, even if I knew she needed it.

So I just held her. And I promised her the world. At least, what of the world I could give her. I told her my plans for our future. I painted a picture in her head of a future where she was happy, and whole, and loved unendingly by me. Because I could do that for her; I could give her that future. I wanted to.

And when the tears finally subsided, she slipped into sleep again. And I finally wiped the tears from my face. And I thought that, maybe, part of her had healed. I hoped it had.

Charlie arrived sometime later, when she was wake again. And she cried all over again, apologizing to him for things that weren't her fault. And Charlie, too, apologized.

In an effort to give them some privacy, I left the room, meandered aimlessly down the corridor. Carlisle stood at the nurse's station. His hand fell to my shoulder as I passed, and he pointed me in the direction of an empty room, closing the door behind us.

"You don't have to tell me anything," he began, hand held up in defense.

I was angry. At Carlisle, at the whole day. At Sage, who fucked with Bella's head, planted seeds of doubt and watered them with cruel words. And now Carlisle, he expected me to tell him what happened? When he'd fucked so much of my life?

"How could you?" I whispered.

"How could I what, Edward?" To his credit, I really wasn't making any sense.

"How could you leave her…knowing she was going to die."

His eyes softened around the edges as he looked away. "Edward…let's not do this here."

"No, Carlisle, we're doing this right fucking here. She was dying, and because you wanted a divorce, I missed out on so much time. Months of her life that I can't get back." My hands curled to fists as I began to pace.

"Please, son. Let's talk about this later, when you've calmed down. It's been quite the day." He held both hands up, palms towards me, as though he were protecting himself from an animal, warning it to stay back.

I laughed without humor, raking a hand through my hair. "You don't have to tell me what kind of day it's been. So fucking explain it to me. Tell me how you could leave her, find someone new to love. Pull her away from your children when her time was limited. Tell me!"

"I did what she asked!" He snapped, his blue eyes flashing in anger. With pain. Remembering things that should have died with her.

I shoved against his chest, pushing him towards the door. "Fucking liar."

"Your mother asked me for the divorce, Edward." I paused at his words, my breath leaving me in a rush. "I told you it was me, so you wouldn't hate her. And yes, I kept you and Emmett away from her because that's what she wanted. She was trying to make it easier on the two of you. We'd fallen out of love so long ago. She actually gave me her blessing to be with Esme," he shook his head sadly, resting a hand on my shoulder. Holding me in place, away from him.

I pushed him again, held him against the door. I could feel my heartbeat in my head, beating in time with my anger. All this time, he'd let me hate him. For something that wasn't even his fault. My knuckles connected with the door before I had the conscious thought to throw a punch. And then I did it again. And again.

"Son," he murmured, capturing my fist in his hand. My vision blurred and swam, and I sank to the ground, held my knees to my chest. I'd hated him for years for something that he didn't do. Wasted years of my life being angry and vengeful because of a lie. Hated Esme for loving him, for loving us, when my mother had been okay with it.

He knelt before me, placed a hand on my knee. "Edward, I'm sorry. I never thought… I was only trying to honor her wishes."

Carlisle hesitated for a moment before he pulled me to into his embrace, his arms tight around my neck. And after a heavy moment, I circled my arms around his chest, crying like the child I felt myself to be. And I let myself feel things I hadn't felt since the day she died.

And I forgave him.

A/N: Ahem. *waves nervously* Damn Sage...

Don't ask me what the hell is going on here, I hardly have any idea myself. I just do what they tell me. Maybe one, two, more chapters? And an epilogue. Who knows? Certainly not me.

Please, please review!

KQL

Songs: Fields of Gold - Eva Cassidy

"I don't get many things right the first time
In fact, I am told that a lot
Now I know all the wrong turns
The stumble, and falls brought me here…
…I love you more than I have
Ever found a way to say to you…"

The Luckiest - Ben Folds