A/N: *Deep breath* Firstly, sorry about the long delay. This chapter was challenging in more ways than one. Secondly, trigger warning. TRIGGER WARNING. If you are triggered by sexual assault or self harm, please move on.

Now, then. Onwards.

If You Could See Into My Soul

Chapter 16 – Looks Red, Tastes Blue

Bella's POV

After the first, disastrous, day of senior year, things got better. I mean, after rock bottom, you can only go up, right?

Thankfully, mercifully, the teacher preferred alphabetically assigned seats in his class. Which meant that Sage was on the opposite side of the room from me. And his blond haired, asshole friend – James – sat somewhere in between.

Sage worked hard to make every morning a new hellish day, but I was dealing. Plus, I'd seen Dr. Gerandy after my weekend hospital stay, and he'd upped my medication. He was just as worried as I was that I had dissociated so completely that I couldn't recall the cutting incident. So, for a while, I truly couldn't care. There was blissful numbness. And now that I was mellowed out, adjusted again, I found that Sage didn't matter. He never had.

I was so mellowed out, in fact, that I didn't even mind Alice's Halloween costumes for Edward and me this year. Even I had to admit they were pretty cute. I didn't mind that she was being the obnoxious, pushy, controlling little demon I knew she could be. And I was even okay with having the Halloween party.

Jasper, however, was not as happy about his costume.

"Really, Ali, I have to wear the ears?"

I giggled into the cupboard I was digging in. Jasper's hand was on my back, steadying me as I stood on the rickety kitchen chair. He tugged uncomfortably at the headband that held his mouse ears, scowling.

Alice smirked, kissing the underside of his jaw as she passed. "You look adorable, Mickey."

Jasper rolled his eyes, holding a hand out to help me down from the chair. I set down several shot glasses and a few bags of solo cups. Alice was nothing if not prepared. How her mother let her get away with it, I'll never know. I suspected that Ms. Brandon still felt bad about the messy divorce from Alice's dad, and the fact that he wanted no part in his daughter's life.

"Yeah, 'cuz I want to look fucking adorable," Jasper groused as he started tugging the cups free of the plastic bags. He smiled then, looking at Alice over his shoulder. "You know, sugar, it ain't too late. I have a costume idea we'd both like…"

Alice spun on him, hands planted firmly on her hips. She tapped the toe of her yellow heels on the hardwood floor. "Jasper Whitlock, for the last time, no one wants to see you walking around in your birthday suit aside from me, and I'm not sharing. Suck it up. At least I let you wear the jeans; I almost bought the shorts."

I snapped the suspender over his shoulder with another giggle. "Don't complain, Jazz. There were several other costume ideas I talked her out of. And I definitely persuaded her to let you wear the jeans. No one wants to see your knobby knees."

"Har har," he mumbled. He began opening the numerous bags of chips on the table, unceremoniously dumping them into different bowls. "I see she didn't let you talk her out of shorts for your costume."

I shrugged, too happy to give a shit that my shorts were way too petite to wear in October. Only just long enough to cover the ugliest of my scars. "My outfit really wouldn't be the same without them."

I lined up the shot glasses I had pulled from the cupboard and filled them to the rim with Fireball. The three of us each took a glass. As Jasper's annoyance ebbed, he slipped his arm around Alice's waist. He truly was the Mickey to her Minnie.

She beamed, holding her glass in the air. "Happy Halloween, bitches!"

"Cheers."

We clinked glasses and tossed back the cinnamon liquid. Alice shivered, setting the glass down forcefully.

"Ugh, God, that's nasty," she muttered, sticking her tongue out. Then she smiled again, bouncing happily on the balls of her feet. "Let's fucking party!"

!#$#!

I was maybe, perhaps, a little tipsy by the time the party started. In my defense, though, Alice's parties took a lot of prep work, and a lot of my patience. Alcohol helped me not to strangle her, and that was always a plus. I thought so, anyway.

By the time Edward showed up, I was well on my way to blissfully drunk.

Arms snaked around my waist, and I spun quickly, nearly falling on my ass in the process. Edward chuckled, kissing me softly on the lips.

"Wendy Peffercorn," he whispered, "do you have any idea how long I've been waiting to kiss you?"

I sniggered, throwing my arms around his neck. I pushed his black framed glasses up his nose with my index finger. "Love you, Squints."

Emmett and Rosalie appeared behind him, and I laughed so hard I was almost in tears. I actually had to hold my stomach because it hurt from laughing. But they were just…so…

"Mr. and Mrs. Smith!" Alice shrieked. With a disgruntled looking Jasper trailing behind her, she came to my side, pulling them both into a hug. Rosalie was careful not to bend over too far, as the white button down was the only thing she wore. There was so much leg between the bottom of the shirt and the red galoshes.

"Nice ears, bro," Emmett guffawed, flicking the black ears on Jasper's head.

Jasper swatted his hand away, a defiant set to his jaw. "Ain't the two of you going to get dressed?"

"Jazz," Alice groaned, a dramatic roll of the eyes following. "They are dressed. They're Mr. and Mrs. Smith. You know, in the scene where they spend all night fu-"

"La la la," Jasper interrupted, covering her mouth with his hand. "You don't have to say anymore. I remember. And that's nasty."

Rose lurched forward then, barely managing to stop from falling forward. Her and Emmett turned to find a very red-faced Mike Newton behind them, and Tyler Crowley doubled over in laughter next to him. The pair looked ridiculous. Mike was dressed as Andy Samberg in the Lonely Island "Boombox" music video and Tyler was dressed as Julian Casablanca.

"Ro-Rose, I'm sorry," Mike stammered, holding his hands up and backing away slowly. Emmett smirked next to Rose, throwing an arm around her shoulder. "You guys, look, um, really great."

Rosalie simpered, wrapping her arms around a hardly dressed Emmett. Really, the boxers were almost see through. And I think the white t-shirt may have been a size too small. "Eat your heart out, Newton."

Tyler was howling in laughter, dragging Mike away from us and back towards the living room.

"Man," I drawled, taking a long pull of the rum and coke in my cup. I frowned when it came up empty. "I missed the fuck outta you guys."

"Oh!" Alice exclaimed, taking Rosalie by the hand. "Drinks! You guys need drinks. Bella, get Edward something, 'kay?"

"Aye, aye, Captain," I saluted. She rolled her eyes and disappeared into the kitchen, Jasper following behind them.

I turned to Edward, tracing my fingers down the stripes of his baseball jersey. "You look hot. What can I get ya to drink?"

He grinned a Cheshire cat grin, leaning down to capture my lips with his. I may or may not have whimpered, but honestly, I couldn't care. I was definitely on my way to a good buzz, and my man looked hot. And there were all sorts of dirty, dirty things running through my head.

"I'll have whatever you're having," he finally whispered. His lips found my earlobe, sucking it into his mouth. I gasped as the metal of his tongue ring ran over the heated flesh. With my hand planted firmly on his forearm, I took a small step back.

With a wink, I curtseyed. "As you wish, my liege."

!#$#!

I don't know who the hell was in charge of the music, but they were doing a shit job.

I pushed my way through the mass of bodies towards the stereo. The iPod in the dock wasn't one that I recognized. As I came to a stop in front of the dock, I was met with a familiar head of blond hair. His head was bobbing along to the music, tongue stuck out between his teeth as he scrolled through the music choices.

With my pointer finger, I poked him in the bicep, making him stumble sideways. He was possibly more drunk than I was, and that was saying something.

"Outta the way, Samberg."

I disconnected Mike's iPod from the dock and shoved it at his chest. With squinted eyes, he slunk away, disappearing into the crowd. I found Alice's iPod in the cupboard below the speakers and quickly connected it. The playlist for the party was aptly named 'Get drunk and dance.'

As the first song spilled from the speakers, across the room, Edward met my eyes and laughed. The song, "Candy Shop," was the song that I had given Edward a really horrible strip tease to on his birthday. I shoved through the crowd again, feeling the liquid courage course through my veins. Perhaps the strip tease was so awful because I hadn't been drunk. I certainly was now, though.

No time like the present.

Stopping in front of him, I took the proffered cup and downed its contents. Edward's grin was lazy, eyes glassy and bloodshot. He had disappeared to the basement almost an hour ago with Jasper, and they'd both come back relaxed and pleasantly high.

I straddled his hips on the couch, whispering "You can have it your way, how do you want it?" at the same time 50 Cent did.

As I swiveled my hips, grinding myself down on him, his hands fell to my waist, fingers biting into my flesh. He stuck his tongue ring between his teeth as he regarded me, a devilish smirk on his angelic face. He pulled me tighter then, drawing a whimper from my lips as I met his hard length beneath me.

His lips on my neck, I set a slow rhythm to the song. When he bit my collarbone, I moaned, eyes opening to see that we most definitely had an audience. With a smirk, I pulled his face back to mine, plunging my tongue in his mouth. If I weren't drunk, I would more than likely be horrified by my actions. But given the current situation, I didn't give a damn.

Edward cupped my ass, stilling me. I groaned in protest, but he pushed me off him, to my feet.

He captured my lips as he stood, lacing his fingers with mine. His voice was husky when he spoke, "Upstairs."

We stumbled our way up the stairs, ignoring Alice's voice telling us to steer clear of her bedroom. As if. As soon as the bedroom door clicked shut behind us, Edward's hands were on my skin. He pressed me against the closed door, lips devouring mine. He roughly yanked down my tank top and bathing suit top, freeing a nipple. I whimpered as his fingers flicked the tight bud.

Neither of us noticed Optimus until he was at our feet, barking like the crazy thing he is. Edward and I both attempted to shoo him, but he wasn't persuaded.

Edward huffed, staring at the tiny cockblock. We could have ignored him, but I wasn't sure I could fuck Edward knowing he was watching. Animal or not, it was creepy being watched. Edward seemed to feel the same as I did. Besides…Alice had most certainly screwed Jasper in her own bed. That had to cross some sort of line. Best friends didn't have to really share everything.

We moved to the en suite exactly as we were, Edward's pants undone and my tit still hanging out of my shirt. I giggled as I met my reflection in the mirror, all bright eyes and tousled hair. Edward's hands wound around my waist, pushing me against the counter.

I spun in his arms, sinking to my knees. With quick fingers, I pulled his pants down and freed his cock. A hiss fell from Edward's lips as I sucked him into my mouth with no preamble.

"Jesus, baby, what are you doing?" He groaned, thrusting his length deeper in my mouth.

I moaned around him, looking up from under my lashes. His green eyes were blazing, chest heaving. One hand reached out to cup my cheek, and he pulled himself from my mouth. Edward dragged me to my feet, hands burying themselves in my hair as his lips devoured mine.

My hands fell to his cock, pumping him between us as he deepened the kiss. I was desperate for any sort of release. Removing one hand from his cock, I popped the button of my shorts, snaking my hand beneath. I whimpered as I started circling my clit.

He broke the kiss, staring down at my hands. "Fuck, Bella. You're touching yourself?"

"Mm, yes. Please, Edward," I mewled. Under other circumstances, I never would have been so brazenly wanton, and I most certainly would not have touched myself in front of him. But in the moment, I couldn't give a fuck. I was bursting for release.

Edward spun me so quickly that I had to close my eyes to avoid stumbling. He yanked my hand from my shorts, placing it on the counter along with my other hand. He placed his hands over mine, meeting my eyes in the mirror.

His smirk was positively dangerous. I bit my lip as he sucked on my neck, ground my ass against his erection when he bit down.

"Please, Edward," I whimpered, frustrated, desperate tears filling my eyes.

He released one of my hands to pull my shorts down my legs.

Palming my ass, he leaned in to whisper in my ear. "Can I take you like this, Bella? Will you let me?"

"What?" My eyes shot open to meet his in the mirror, and he chuckled.

Edward ran a finger over the cleft of my ass, and my heart broke into a gallop. Christ, I was horny, but I was most definitely not ready for that. We hadn't ever talked about it before, sober or otherwise. My being drunk and his being high didn't seem like the time to experiment.

"Not here, love," he murmured. He separated my cheeks, a hesitant finger trailing down. I clenched in response anyway, and he snickered.

With a hand on my upper back, he pushed me forward, bowing me to rest on my elbows. The same finger circled my opening before dipping inside. He pulled out quickly, dragging wetness around my clit.

"Will you let me, baby? Hmm?"

And then I understood, and I nodded quickly. "Yes, yes. Please, Edward, yes."

I didn't have to tell him twice. Before I took the next breath, he was filling me. And with me bent over the way I was, he was so. Fucking. Deep. It really wasn't my fault that I cried out as loudly as I did.

He clamped a hand over my mouth, chuckling. "Baby, you have to be quieter than that. Someone will hear you."

He pulled out and pushed back in, filling me completely. I bit at his fleshy palm. "Don't care," I whined.

Edward began a pace that was jerky and fast, not at all like we'd fucked before. It was wonderful, and I truly couldn't help the sounds falling from my lips. Even uncoordinated, out of his damn mind, Edward was amazing.

The countertop digging into the tops of my thighs added a twinge of pain to the pleasure. Raw, animalistic fucking. That's what we were doing. I didn't think I would ever have enough.

"Fuck. I'm not gonna last long," he warned, increasing his speed. I moved my hips back to meet him, thrust for thrust. The only sound in the small room besides my moaning was the slapping of our skin.

Edward wound an arm around my chest, pulling me flush against him. His breath was hot against my neck, his palm sweaty on my breast. His teeth found the flesh my shoulder, biting softly, drawing a whimper from me. I opened my eyes to catch his in the mirror, reaching one arm up to fist a hand in his hair.

"God, I fucking love you," I groaned.

He chuckled, pausing for just a moment to cover my neck in kisses. I continued to move against him, though it wasn't nearly enough because he held too tight. Not that I was complaining about being held.

"Touch yourself," he breathed in my ear, teeth grazing my earlobe. "I want you to watch yourself come for me."

Following his command, I grabbed my still exposed breast, rolling the taut peak between my fingers. He resumed his motions, lips buried in my skin. His eyes remained stuck on mine, though. I let my hand lazily trail down my body, through the curls above my sex and lower still.

Despite him telling me to watch myself, my eyes were glued on him. He sped up, pushing deeper and deeper with every thrust. And when he reached up to pinch my nipple, I came. His name fell from my lips in nearly a shout, and I only managed to stay upright because he held me against him. His release quickly followed mine, his teeth sinking into the skin of my shoulder. I think I liked intoxicated Edward. He was a biter.

We stayed together for only a moment, and then he pulled out of me with a groan. I took several deep breaths as I searched in the cabinet for something to clean myself up with. As I pulled the pack of wipes from the cabinet, I watched as Edward positioned himself over the toilet to pee.

"Oh, gross. C'mon. We're gonna be one of those couples? I swear to God, Edward," I huffed, still a bit breathless, pulling a wipe from the package. Despite being a little grossed out watching him pee, I was cleaning myself up with him watching. It wasn't all that different, really.

He, too, grabbed a wipe from the package to clean himself off. "I was ready to fuck you in the ass before, you were okay with that? But you can't handle watching me pee?"

"Those wipes are for lady bits," I informed him, quirking an eyebrow. "And you weren't going to fuck me in the ass, because I would have said no."

Edward snorted, tossing the wipe in the trash can. "Lady bits? Well, my man bits were in your lady bits, so I think they're okay to use."

"Hmm," I hummed, discarding my own wipe and righting my clothes. "Well, now your man bits smell like coconut."

He moved behind me, taking the hair tie from my hair. He raked his fingers through my tresses, doing his best to straighten out what he mussed up. I took the tie from him and re-did the ponytail.

"You really would have said no?" he wondered, eyes as innocent as he could manage in the moment. It wasn't very convincing.

Despite being drunk and more confident than usual, I blushed. "I think we're hardly prepared for it. Don't you?"

Edward's eyes glittered mischievously. "So, it's just a no right now. Not a no forever."

I bit my lip, looking to the mirror. I caught his gaze in the reflection, smirking. "You know…there are things I need to prepare for that. Some of those things are…pretty. I wouldn't be opposed to trying those."

"Fuck," he groaned. He spun me quickly, burying his face in my neck. So low, I almost didn't hear, he wondered, "Are you talking about butt plugs?"

I giggled, pushing him away. "Maybe," I hedged with a wink. Then I shoved at his chest again, towards the door. "Now get out. I have to pee."

Edward huffed, hand on the doorknob. "You'll tell me about pretty butt plugs, but you won't pee in front of me? You are strange, Bella Swan. I think I'll keep you."

"I think I'll let you keep me," I murmured.

!#$#!

"Do you really have to go?" I jutted my lower lip out in an over-exaggerated pout, knowing it wouldn't sway his resolve.

Carlisle was being lenient with their curfew, but they had to be out of the house early to go to Columbus. Edward had been more than a little surprised when Carlisle asked if he would accompany him to the conference over the weekend. Being that he and Edward were working on fixing their relationship, Edward hadn't hesitated to accept the offer.

He swallowed my pout with his lips, a soft moan falling from his mouth. "We really do, love. Carlisle wants to leave the house around six," he wrinkled his nose in displeasure, "so we can get there early enough to check in and relax before the conference starts."

I huffed, folding my arms unhappily over my chest. I knew he had to leave, but that didn't mean I had to be happy about it. Still, the fact that he and Carlisle would be spending the weekend together made me happy. Edward was doing his very best to forgive his father and move past everything.

Emmett and Rosalie approached, saying their goodbyes to everyone as well. I yelped when Emmett wrapped me in his beefy arms, lifting me clear off the ground.

"Later, Bella-boo!"

Rosalie smacked him upside the head and he released me, chortling.

Emmett turned to Jasper, snapping his suspenders rather hard. "Later, Jazzy. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

Jasper rolled his eyes. "There's not much you wouldn't do, Emmett," he replied dryly.

Emmett ruffled his hair as they departed, calling out, "Later fuckers!" before the door shut behind him.

I sighed, turning to Alice and Jasper. They were looking at each other like they wanted to do indecent things. Gross.

Alice leveled me with her stare. "Which surface do I need to sanitize, Isabella?"

I snorted, my face heating in a blush. "I don't know what you're talking about."

She rolled her eyes, hands placed on her hips. "I'm not stupid, you know. And you are none too quiet."

Jasper coughed to cover his laugh, rubbing the back of his neck. "Leave her alone, sugar. She's gonna go a whole day without Edward, you know. That's an ordeal."

I stuck my tongue out at Jasper, which he maturely returned. "So, suck it," I retorted brilliantly.

With the thought of spending the rest of the weekend without Edward, I frowned. My earlier good mood and willingness to party suddenly vanished. "Actually, guys. I think I'm just gonna go upstairs and sleep."

Alice looked around at the remaining party goers. There weren't very many, and it was nearing the time she would kick everyone out, anyway. Alice nodded, offering me a sympathetic grin.

In Alice's room, I didn't bother to change into my pajamas or crawl under the covers. I flung myself across the bed diagonally, knowing it would be some time before I could sleep. I was still drunk enough that closing my eyes for any extended period of time caused the room to spin.

I'd only been laying there for a few minutes when the bedroom door opened. Optimus gave a little yip from where he lay in the corner, but then he was silent. Soft footfalls crossed the room, and then the bed dipped. I yawned, dragging a pillow towards me to rest my head on.

"Sorry, Ali, you and Jazz can take your mom's room tonight. I'm too comfortable to move," I grumbled.

There was a hand on my back, fingers trailing the edge of my shirt. I attempted to turn over, but the hand became restraining, pushing me into the mattress. Another hand, obviously male, gathered my wrists above my head, holding them too tight.

My heart broke into a gallop, terror sending icy tendrils down my spine.

"I never knew what he saw in you," a voice groused. "Sage should have just let me have my way with you when I asked." James. He'd made it his mission to help Sage torture me in any way he could, and I'd become familiar with the mocking edge his otherwise soft voice held. With a chuckle, the hand on my back traveled to my head, yanking my head back by my ponytail.

Tears blurred my vision, and I bit my lip to hold in a whimper. "What do you want from me?"

He clucked his tongue, weight shifting so that he straddled me then. The hand on my head pushed my face into the pillow before he released me. "Did you wear these shorts just for me? Cullen really shouldn't let you dress like such a tease."

"James, please. Please, don't do this," I begged. My hands were throbbing with the stunted blood flow his grip imposed. His weight rested just below my ass, across my thighs. Even if I were sober, I didn't think I could have fought him off.

Keeping one hand on the back of my neck, he used the other to yank my shorts down my thighs. I briefly heard the clang of his belt as it came undone, the thud as it dropped to the floor. A scream built in my throat, but when I opened my mouth to release it, his hand was already there.

"Make any fucking noise, and I'll do something much worse," he threatened.

With my hands free, I struggled to push myself up, away from him. But his hold on me tightened. His knee pressed into my thigh, and his hand pushed me further into the bed. He shifted again, dragging me to the edge of the bed, my feet on the floor. He stood behind me, his feet pushing mine farther apart. I was horrendously naked and exposed.

What a stark contrast. Edward had been kind, soft, even as he ravaged me. But there was nothing kind about this. This position was one of dominance, not of mutual pleasure.

"Please, please," I whimpered, tensing as I felt his hand travel up my thigh.

"Begging for it now, are you? I knew you wanted me," James taunted.

And in one motion, my world shattered. The pain was sharp, both where he moved inside me and where he pulled my hair. I managed a scream, but he only pulled tighter, pushed harder.

It lasted only minutes, the longest minutes of my life. I could feel little else besides my heartbeat in my head, where he held too tight, and the ache between my thighs. He grunted and stilled. My fingers dug into the bedspread beneath me.

With a chuckle, he released me. I sank to my knees beside the bed, unable to watch as he tucked himself back into his pants and picked up his discarded belt.

He cupped my chin, pulling my face roughly towards him. My eyes were wide, but oddly dry. There were too many emotions fighting for dominance in my addled brain, but one was most prominent: shame. I was the daughter of a cop – chief of police – and I'd let him do this to me. I let myself get too drunk to fight back. I let my guard down.

"Tell anyone," he sneered, hazel eyes sparking with fury, "and I'll tell them how you fucking begged for it. Understand?"

James shoved my face away and left the room, the door shutting behind him with a soft click.

!#$#!

Despite James's threat to stay quiet, the only thought in my mind was to tell Charlie. It was the only logical conclusion I could come to in my fucked-up mind. Tell Charlie, and then break down. I could feel the edge of insanity nearing, and I fought in with gusto.

For the moment, I compartmentalized the whole thing. It happened to some other, poor girl. Not me. The other girl sat in a corner in the recesses of my mind, curled in on herself, inconsolable.

Somehow, I managed to duck out of the house without being caught by Alice or Jasper. And luckier still, Tyler Crowley was wondrously sober, stuffing a stupefied Mike into his van. He didn't even hesitate when I asked for a ride home.

But that was where my luck ran out.

I was unsurprised to see the lights on in the living room once home. For all I knew, Charlie had taken an extra shift and was heading out or just getting in. But I was surprised by the unfamiliar car in the drive. Hesitantly, I let myself in.

He was giggling. My father, man of few words and even fewer emotions, was giggling. Stepping into the living room, I quickly understood why.

Sue Clearwater sat opposite him on the sofa, their heads bent towards each other, sleepy, but happy smiles on their faces. Sue Clearwater, my best friend's mother, was making my father giggle like a school boy. And I knew then, that what happened to me would stay with me and only me.

"Dad?" My voice was almost too soft to be heard, but Sue looked my way. She placed a hand on Charlie's hand between them, her eyes darting to him and back to me.

"Bella," Charlie sighed. He cleared his throat, and I thought I saw a hint of a blush in his cheeks. "You, um, you know Sue."

I nodded, dazed. Was this night really happening? The urge to pinch myself to wake from this nightmare was strong. The itch below my skin to bleed the night away was even stronger. My hands curled into fists, nails biting into my palms.

Charlie rubbed the back of his neck, uncomfortable. "Bella, we've been meaning to talk to you."

The laugh that tumbled from my lips shocked not only them, but me as well. And then, once it had started, I couldn't stop. Tears welled in my eyes and slipped down my cheeks. My stomach hurt from laughing. Or maybe it was the nausea. It was quite difficult to tell.

They shared a nervous glance at each other, and then Sue stood, hand extended towards me.

"Bella? Honey are you okay?" Her voice was soft, concerned.

I barely managed a shake of my head in the negative, the laugher fading, turning into soft whimpers. No, I was most definitely not okay. I clamped a hand tight over my mouth, desperate to keep the desolation at bay. It was becoming an unbearable weight on my chest, a hollow ache where my heart should be.

Sue took another step towards me, and I took a step back. To let her touch me would be my undoing. Her absolute concern would break me, pull the ugly truth of the night from me. To see them so happy, I couldn't let it be me who ruined it.

On trembling legs, I retreated. Charlie called after me, but thankfully didn't follow. I locked myself in the bathroom, fumbling in the cabinets for the scratch to soothe the itch. The whimpers turned to sobs. I pressed a fist to my mouth, clenched my eyes shut tight.

I ached even more to call Edward. He would know what to do. And more than that, I'd promised to tell him when I felt the need. And I'd been good, I'd kept that promise since he'd asked. But if I were to call him, to tell him what I needed, he would ask why. And there was no reason beside the truth that I could tell him. And I couldn't do that. I couldn't break him that way.

How had it come to this, I wondered, razor poised on the thin ivory flesh of my wrist. How had a night so fantastic turned to the worst night of my life? How had I let myself become so vulnerable that I was so easily taken advantage of? How had I put all of my faith in Edward, believing I was invincible as long as he loved me?

That night held many firsts for me. Firsts that I didn't want to share with Edward.

The first time I didn't call him. The first pull of a razor across my wrist, marring the otherwise pristine skin. The first time that night I allowed myself to believe it wasn't a horrendous nightmare.

The first time I thought of truly ending my life.

A/N: Still with me? Things are gonna be a little bumpy. Hold on tight.
Love you all, and would love your reviews - good or bad. KQL

"If I pinch myself so that I wake
That means it never really happened
'Cause I can feel my tears finding their way
I fear it's worse than I imagined..."

Looks Red, Tastes Blue - Mayday Parade