A/N: *whistles innocently* This is the last chapter! Just an epilogue to go.
Long chapter is long. See you at the end!
If You Could See Into My Soul
Chapter 17 – Have Faith In Me
Bella's POV
Come Monday, I had convinced myself that nothing had happened. Nothing that needed to be shared with anyone, anyway. It didn't make me any less nervous to return to school, though.
Charlie didn't ask about my odd behavior, and we skirted around the topic of him and Sue, even though she started to join us for dinner more frequently. She'd even started bringing Seth around too, Leah's younger brother. He was eight, and he and Cailee seemed to be forming fast friends.
The terror that gripped me walking into school on Monday seemed to be unfounded. James wasn't there.
Edward kissed the corner of my mouth, seeming to sense my withdrawn mood again. With a half-smile and a squeeze of my hand, he left to get to his own class. But when I got to my seat, I saw that there was already someone there.
Sage.
His features were drawn, sad. I could have sworn I saw tears in his ice blue eyes when he looked up, but I quickly looked away. He stood, hand rubbing the back of his neck.
"Bella, I…" he sighed, looking away. "James told me…about the party…"
My heart lurched in my chest. Here I was, keeping that night to myself, and that sick bastard was bragging about it? And if he was so pleased with himself, I couldn't understand why he'd skip school.
"Nothing happened," I snapped, pushing him aside to take my seat. My hands were trembling, whether from fury or fear, I couldn't tell.
Sage furrowed his brow, looking confused. "He told me what he did. How drunk you were, and… I punched him in the fucking face."
I leveled him with the hardest glare I could muster. Did he expect me to thank him for defending me? "Nothing. Happened."
He huffed, his stance quickly becoming defensive and annoyed. "Look, I just wanted to say I'm sorry, okay? For everything. I've been a dick, but what he did… You didn't deserve that. No one does."
I got to my feet quickly, rising to my tip toes to get right in his face. "Listen. When I tell you nothing happened, it's because nothing happened. Don't bring it up. Don't mention it again. Whatever the fuck he told you, keep it to yourself or forget it entirely."
His jaw clenched, eyes going cold. He opened his mouth to retort, but the teacher walked in, shooing Sage to his own seat.
I sank back into my desk, repeating the words I'd said to myself. Nothing happened. Keep it to yourself or forget it entirely.
For the next three weeks, I took my own advice and kept it to myself. There was no possible way I could forget it entirely – I wasn't that good an actress, even in my own mind. But I was finally starting to reassemble my scattered mind, pick up the pieces of myself that he had broken. I was starting to feel like I might just be okay.
Edward was gentler with me than usual, never questioning my constant rebuttal towards his seeking hands. To have Edward touch me like that after what he did seemed wrong. Besides that, I'd added a few other lines to my wrist, and I wasn't ready to share that with him. He'd be angry, and disappointed, and would demand an explanation.
And I couldn't give him one. Not one that wouldn't break his heart, anyway.
James hadn't reappeared, and I was too chicken shit to question Sage. Not that I cared where he was, but the uncertainty of when or if I would see him again sent my anxiety into overdrive. The constant worrying made me nauseous numerous times.
I'd taken to eating saltine crackers and ginger ale only for lunch. The less I had in my stomach, the better. There was little I could eat that didn't want to reappear just as soon as it went down. It wasn't until the week before Thanksgiving break that Jacob made an offhand remark that made my blood run cold.
"Geez, Bella. You sure you aren't pregnant?" He snorted at his own joke, shoving grease-laden pizza into his mouth. The grease dripping from his fingers made my stomach roll.
Edward shook his head, unamused by the poor joke. But the thought was already there, and my mind was in a tailspin as I counted the days since my last period. My hands started to shake as I counted again, and then again. I had to be off somehow, because otherwise, I was late.
And I was never fucking late.
Alice met my startled gaze across the table, her brow furrowed. She looked to Jacob, who seemed oblivious to the panic he'd sent me into. Edward rubbed my shoulder gently, noticing my tense posture. I offered a wan smile to try and appease him.
Alice attempted a smile, taking my hand across the table. "Hey, why don't you come over tonight? Girl's night before I go on vacation?"
I readily agreed, and Edward pouted for a moment before agreeing that girl time would be good for me.
"I can only braid your hair so many ways," he deadpanned.
My laugh fell flat.
Alice was tugging me in the door the second I stepped up on the porch later that day. I managed to throw a hello in the direction of her mother before we were stumbling up the stairs. I blanched when she pulled me into her bedroom, opting for her desk chair rather than the bed. That bed.
She perched on the edge of the bed, digging in her oversized purse for a brown paper bag. Inside were three different types of pregnancy test. I felt the tears well, could feel the heat of a blush consume my face, as I looked to Alice.
"Crap, Bella," she sighed.
When I started to sob, she gathered me in her tiny arms, and like that, the dam broke. Unable to keep it to myself any longer, I told her everything. She was rightfully furious with James, and myself for keeping it from her. And angrier still when I told her that I hadn't told Charlie like I intended.
She pushed the tests into my trembling hands, pointing me in the direction of the bathroom. "No matter what, Bella, I'm here. You're going to be okay."
!#$#!
Aside from that night, waiting for the tests was the longest ten minutes of my life.
I thought that, maybe, if I shook the damn thing hard enough the letters would change. But that's why I went with the idiot proof ones; so I really couldn't fuck up the results. All three sticks read the same thing: pregnant.
So much for pretending nothing had happened.
Man, I was so fucked. I had to laugh at myself for that one, because that's how I'd gotten into this situation in the first place. But laughing made my stomach turn, so I stopped.
Alice knocked on the door then. "Bell? Can I come in?"
"Only if you bring a fully loaded gun with you," I murmured, but reached up from the floor to unlock the door anyway. She stuck just her head around the doorway first, saw the sticks, and her eyes sort of glazed over. I think she went into 'plan mode,' but I mostly stopped listening after she started with, "Well, okay, this isn't the worst thing in the world."
A baby. A motherfucking baby. And the worst part was I couldn't say with certainty who the father was because of fucking James. Edward was so totally going to hate me.
Edward…
"Ali, what the fuck do I tell Edward?" The words were whisper soft, and I wasn't sure she had heard them at all, except that her brow furrowed. She sucked her bottom lip into her mouth, glancing again at the sticks on the counter.
Alice finally took a seat on the floor next to me, legs tucked underneath her. "Well, um, the truth I guess."
"Alice, I don't even know if it is his baby. James…" I couldn't even bring myself to say the words. There was no denying what happened that night. I didn't want to sleep with him, I begged him to stop. But I was so drunk, I couldn't make him stop. Christ, what a mess. I dropped my head in my hands. I think I started to hyperventilate.
"Isabella!" Alice yanked my head up to face her. She was sort of blurry because of all the tears in my eyes. "You and I are going to figure this out. You are not in this alone. But do you honestly think Edward is going to walk away from you? From this? Bella, that boy is head over heels, madly fucking in love with you. There's nothing you can do that would make him walk away now. "
"I've got a really bad feeling that this is not his baby, Alice." My voice trembled as I spoke. I swallowed around the lump in my throat. "A terrible, vomit-inducing feeling. I'm scared to fucking death right now. What is Edward going to think of me when I tell him about what happened that night?"
"Well, he's probably going to be upset that you didn't tell him, or Charlie." She leveled me with a glare. "Or take the Plan-B pill afterwards. But more than that, I think he's going to be worried about you and the baby. And he's going to do whatever it is that he needs to do to make sure you're both safe and happy." She offered me a watery smile, tucking my hair behind my ears. "Don't stress, babe. You've got me and everyone else here for you. We are all going to make it through together, okay?"
Her tiny arms enveloped me in a crushing hug, but oddly I could not cry. My brain was too distracted by the image of a copper-haired, green-eyed, beautiful baby in my arms – a miniature Edward. We hadn't used a condom that night either. It couldn't be his, though, could it?
Maybe this wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.
!#$#!
So, finding out I'm pregnant at 18, not the scariest thing in the world. Telling my really incredible boyfriend that I was raped while drunk and may possibly be carrying my rapists' baby, pretty terrifying.
It had been a week since I'd found out. And I'd dodged Edward for most of the week, barely managing to respond to texts. Alice had left yesterday morning for vacation, and she was impossibly angry at me for not having told Edward before she left. But I didn't want to ruin her vacation.
I couldn't stop my hands from shaking as I raised my fist to knock on the ornate door. It never ceased to amaze me that someone could actually live in a home like this. Or that someone who lived in a home like this could love me. And yet, here we are.
The door swung open to reveal Carlisle. He took on the smallest of smiles as he regarded me. Probably confused as to why I knocked and didn't just barge in like I usually did. "Hello, Bella."
I licked my lips nervously, tugging at the sleeves of my sweater. "Hi, Dr. Cullen. May I please see Edward?"
He frowned at my formality. Normally I greeted him with a "Sup?" or "Hey Dr. C." Things between us were much different than they used to be, and I was beginning to think he may even like me. The new development in my life would definitely change that.
He stepped aside, though, allowing me to pass. "Is everything alright, Bella?"
When I didn't turn to face him, he put a hand gently on my shoulder. I fought the tears that threatened to overflow and turned only partially, jerking away from his touch. The smile plastered on my face was so fake, I was sure he could see right through it, but he didn't comment.
"Of course, everything is fine. Is Edward in his room?" The words threatened to burst forth from my lips at any moment, and I really didn't want Edward's father to know about the baby before he did.
Carlisle nodded slowly, eyes refusing to leave my face. He definitely knew something was wrong, but he wouldn't comment. I made for the stairs, my stomach churning uncomfortably. I knew the words I had to say would make Edward hate me, and the thought made me even more nauseous than usual.
"Oh, and Bella. Door – "
"Open, yeah. I know." I wanted to laugh. The absurdity of leaving the door open at this point was laughable. There wasn't anything worse that could happen to me. I couldn't get pregnant twice.
Edward was lost in a sea of college applications when I saw him, tongue ring tapping, as always. The music in the background muffled my motions, making him unaware of my presence. His brows were drawn close, eyes intense as he poured over the words on the crisp white papers. He'd already applied to all the colleges that mattered. These were the backups. Now was not the most opportune time to tell him but waiting would only make things worse.
I knocked softly on the door frame, my lungs refusing to release a breath until he looked at me. And when he did, I felt the tears well up immediately. The brilliant smile instantly fell to a frown as he watched the first of the tears fall. He was by my side in an instant, and in the next, I was in his arms. I grabbed fistfuls of his shirt in my hands, so fucking angry at the way my life was playing out. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair to him, to me, to the baby inside of me who was not at this moment wanted, but not hated either.
"Baby, what is it?" He cupped my face in his hands, distraught, it seemed, over the relentless torrent of tears.
Poor choice of pet name, Edward. The nausea I thought was gone for the moment returned with a vengeance. I only barely managed not to puke down the front of his shirt by taking a deep breath.
"I have to-to-to tell you something." The shaking of my voice made my words whisper soft, and I hated, hated the way his gaze turned wary. I hiccupped back a sob, pressing a palm to my mouth. I had to do this, had to get it over with. I just knew he was going to hate me when it was done.
"You can tell me anything, Bella. Just take a deep breath and relax. You're white as a sheet." His thumbs swiped fruitlessly at the tears under my eyes, taking away smudges of black with them. I scrubbed a hand over my eyes, shrugging away from his hold. It was easier if he didn't touch me while I said it. It would hurt less.
"I can't," the whimper was mostly to myself, but he still heard it. He pulled me back into his arms, tucked my head into his chest and hushed me gently. I couldn't resist holding him closer, because I knew it was the last time I could. Knew it would be the last time I would see him, that he would want to see me.
"Honey, seriously, you're scaring me. Just tell me what's wrong. We can work through it, whatever it is." In Edward's mind, I'm sure we could work through it. Because he had no idea what 'it' was. But I could guarantee it wasn't something like this.
"Oh, fuck. Jesus." I took a deep breath. I just had to say it. Two words, that's all. I could say them and run, and never have to see the look of disappointment and disgust on his face.
But these words, these terrible, horrible words, were going to ruin my life. Whatever happened, my life was irrevocably changed. And because he loved me, they would change his life, too. So unfair. So fucking unfair.
"I'm pregnant," I whispered into his chest. His arms tightened for a moment before they were gone. There, I had said it, and now he hated me. He kept me at arm's length, eyes searching my face.
"What?" His voice was flat, monotone. There were no decipherable emotions in his eyes.
My lip trembled, and I bit down hard to stop the shaking. The iron taste of blood crossed my tongue, and I swallowed hard. I took a step back, pulling at the sleeves of my oversized sweatshirt. I turned away from his face, unable to look at him as I said it again. "I'm pregnant."
He swallowed thickly, eyes unwavering. I thought I saw the briefest tug at the corner of his lip – an attempt at a smile - but it was gone too quickly for me to be sure.
"That's what has you so upset?" His face was still devoid of emotion, so I couldn't figure out why he didn't sound absolutely pissed. He may have even sounded a little relieved.
I was in his arms again in a second, the air in my lungs forced out by the grip of his arms. "Jesus Christ, Bella. You scared me half to death."
Cue the confusion. "I don't understand."
His hands hesitantly fell to my stomach, gripping fistfuls of thick fabric. His brow wrinkled in concentration, like he was trying to see through my skin and find the little bean inside of me. There was no trace of hatred or disgust on his perfect face, which made the next part of my confession even more difficult.
"Of course, a baby isn't…great right now. I mean, we had plans for school and the future, but we can adjust them. Things will be okay. You had me thinking you were dying or something. Christ, Bella. I'm not going anywhere. Is that what you were so worried about? It takes two to make a baby, you know." His tone was gentle, hushed. The kindness in it made the tears fall again, and I cursed the damned hormonal roller coaster that had become my life.
"There's m-more." I was sobbing then. Real, can't-catch-your-breath sobs, that shook my body to the core. Why did he have to be so kind about it? If he had been angry, it would have been easier to tell him about what happened that night at the Halloween party.
Flashes of that night flooded my mind, unbidden, bringing bile to my throat. I could still feel the burn inside of me, of being entered unwillingly, could feel the hollow ache in my chest at the loss of bodily autonomy. If there had ever been a question of what happened that night, I couldn't deny it any longer. I gagged before I could help myself, running to the bathroom to bring up bile from my already empty stomach. It only made me cry harder. Edward followed me, holding my hair back in one hand while the other rubbed small circles on my back. I didn't deserve him. And soon he would agree.
Edward closed the lid to the toilet, helping me stand and then sit on the closed lid. He held a glass of water to my lips, and I sipped gratefully. I pressed the back of my hand to my mouth, struggling to keep the nausea at bay. He knelt beside me, his green eyes intent on my face. His hand fell to my stomach again, and this time I couldn't help but lean into him, resting my face in the crook of his neck.
"You remember the Halloween party," I started, voice cracking. If there was an easier way to say it, I couldn't think of it.
"Of course." His smile was soft, subtle. I could see it in his eyes: happiness. I knew he remembered the great time we had. The news I would share with him would paint a different picture of that night.
"Please don't be mad."
He was confused then, brows furrowed and lips pursed. "What on earth would I be mad about?"
I looked to the ceiling. If I believed in God, truly believed, I might have prayed to him. But I looked up only to keep the rest of the tears from falling.
"After you left…I went upstairs to try and get some sleep. I was upset that I would have to go the rest of the weekend without you." I bit my lip, keeping the words in. I couldn't say them. I couldn't tell this amazing human being about how I had let myself be violated by someone so vile. He would hate me. And I would lose the only good thing I had ever had.
With a shaky breath, I continued, "I didn't know that he was there. Ja…" I swallowed thickly. "James. I didn't even know he was invited. I went to Alice's room to go to sleep, and when I heard the door open, I thought it was her. I didn't even turn to look."
The thought of how stupid I sounded was a welcome one. Just another stupid girl who was unaware of her surroundings and got herself into this mess. I could imagine the words from Charlie because I had heard them so many times. Girls need to be more aware of their surroundings. Be more responsible.
Edward's jaw was set, his eyes dark and unwavering from my own. Whatever I saw in them, I was too afraid to give name to. I was sure he could decipher what I hadn't said, but I needed to say it all the same. I needed to purge that night from me.
"I was so drunk, that when I felt his hand on me, I thought at first it was Alice. But then he pinned me down, and I couldn't…"
Bile crept into my throat again, and I swallowed harshly. Just spit it the fuck out, Bella. Quit dragging it out.
"I begged him to st-stop. You have to believe me, Edward, I didn't want him. And then it h-hurt so badly when he was inside of me…I tried to scream. I begged for him to stop, I couldn't fight him away, he held me too tightly." The quaking of my voice made my words broken, shattered. As though he'd broken every part of me. I would never be whole again. I had to gasp for air between words, my lungs burning from the effort of expelling such awful verses. It was taking all I had to not hyperventilate.
"Fuck." The expletive was harsh in the silence that followed, drawing the tears from my eyes again. His hand cupped my face, fury in his eyes, and before I could blink, he was gone.
"Edward! Please, wait. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," I stumbled in my haste, landing in a heap at his feet, just in front of the bedroom door. He had already managed to throw on a sweatshirt and grab the car keys from his dresser. I didn't need to think too hard about where he might be going.
He paused, his gaze softening only infinitesimally, though his mouth was still set in a harsh line. He crouched to gather me in his arms, setting me gently on his bed. As though I would break again, as if I could, like I were made of glass or porcelain. I refused to let him go, even when I felt him tug away. His arms around me were keeping me whole.
"Why the fuck are you sorry, Bella? Don't you dare apologize for what that piece of shit did to you. I'll fucking kill him." His voice was venom, filled with cutting edges that dug into me. His green eyes swirled angrily, like the sea in the midst of a hurricane. It was magnificent and terrifying.
"You don't hate…hate me?" My voice was filled with wonder. His eyes softened just a little more, grabbing both of my hands and kissing them.
"Bella, is that really what you were so scared of? Me hating you? I could never. I'm so sorry I left you that night. I should have stayed with you, and this never would have happened." His eyes were sad then, drifting away to the open door. I sniffled, pulling his chin back to me.
"If I hadn't been so drunk, we wouldn't be in this situation right now. This is all my fault." I shrugged helplessly.
There was unbridled fury in his voice when he spoke. I flinched away from it. "Do not blame yourself, do you hear me? That motherfucker is going to pay for what he did, I promise you that. But don't you dare…don't you fucking dare take one ounce of the blame."
He moved to stand again, but the relief that he didn't hate me made me clutch my hands tighter to his shirt, made a new round of tears fall from my eyes. I hadn't cried so damn much since…honestly, I didn't know.
"Please don't leave me. Please don't go." Maybe it was the pathetic whimper that made him stay, maybe it was the tears. He always did hate to see me cry. Maybe it was the fear he heard in my voice. But whatever it was, he climbed into bed with me, tucking me into his chest, burying me there, keeping me safe.
"I'll never leave you, Bella. I'm right here. I love you."
!#$#!
Someone was shouting.
I couldn't remember falling asleep, but I had. The clock on the nightstand read seven A.M. And the shouting…that was Edward. I stupidly clutched the sheets next to me, finding them cold. He'd been awake for a while, if he had slept at all.
"Shut the fuck up, Edward. You'll wake her," Rosalie hissed.
Rosalie? But she was…
Oh. Right. Thanksgiving break had started this week for them. Were they all home? Rosalie was, which meant Emmett was, too. Hadn't Alice mentioned taking Jasper to Biloxi with her and her mom? I couldn't remember.
I slipped quietly from the bed, padding softly to the door. It was open only a crack, and I pulled it open enough to stick my head out. They had convened right there, in the middle of the hallway. Rosalie's eyes met mine first, her murderous expression morphing to one of pity. Emmett stood beside her, arms folded across his chest. He didn't turn to look at me, though I knew he knew I was there.
"Honey, I'm sorry. Go back to sleep," Edward murmured. His mouth was hard, but his eyes looked red. Glassy. But not from smoke, from tears. I'd made him cry.
I swallowed thickly, crossing my arms over my chest. I felt so dirty. So unworthy of standing in their presence. "You told them."
He tugged at his hair, eyes so, so sad. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean…I know I shouldn't have…"
"No," I whispered, chin quivering, "you shouldn't have."
Because who would love me now? Who would see past what happened to me, to see who I was now? Just because he hadn't immediately pushed me away didn't mean he wouldn't. And now Emmett…and Rosalie. Had he told his parent's too?
Emmett cracked his knuckles, eyes still staring at the wall. "I say we teach him a lesson."
Rosalie placed a hand on his bicep, but he only tensed further. "Guys, let's think about this. Think about what that would do for Bella. Nothing good would come of that."
Her expression gentled as she turned towards me. "Honey, what do you want?"
Honestly? I had no fucking idea what I wanted. Thoughts of terminating the pregnancy had been there, of course. I was only eighteen for Christ's sake. But I knew myself, and I knew I could never go through with it. But could I raise a baby? One that may have been born out of force – not love? I didn't know that either.
I could only manage a shrug in response. My lower lip trembled, and a pathetic sob escaped me. I brought my hands up to cover my eyes, a keening noise working its way from my throat. Pregnancy hormones could suck a fat one. But then I knew this was so much more than that.
Edward took me into his arms, my head tucked under his chin. I could think of little else beside the ache in my chest, the uncertainty my future held – our future. My knees buckled, and Edward sank with me to the ground.
I was back to those horrendous body-wracking sobs. Edward did his best to console me, his hand soft behind my head, rocking us slowly on the ground. I heard the retreat of Emmett and Rosalie. I tried desperately to gather myself, get the tidal wave of emotions under control, but it was hopeless.
"Oh – Bella?" Esme's startled voice made me cling tighter to Edward. "Oh, dear. What's wrong sweetheart?"
She was on her knees beside us, hand stroking the hair that Edward's palm didn't obstruct. Edward lifted his face from where it was buried in my neck, his voice that of a small boy when he spoke. God, how sorry I was for all of it. If I could go back, do things differently that night…we may not be in this predicament.
Then again, life so rarely goes the way we plan.
"Esme, I…please," he whimpered. The hand behind my head moved to his face, scrubbing away the moisture from his eyes.
I lifted my head from his chest, meeting his sorrowful eyes. With the sleeve of my sweatshirt, I wiped the remaining moisture from beneath his eyes and then the snot from his nose. I placed a soft kiss on his raw cheek. I hoped my eyes conveyed just how sorry I was for everything. All of it. Esme regarded us silently as she stood.
She offered me a hand, helping me to my feet as Edward did the same. For a few tense moments, we only looked towards each other. I could tell Edward wanted to let Esme in on what was going on, but I could also see his trepidation. He'd already told his siblings without informing me, he didn't want to do it again.
Esme offered a tight smile. "Why don't we go downstairs? I'll make us some tea."
Edward reached for my hand, giving a gentle squeeze in question. Of all the adults to tell, Esme seemed like the most harmless. Having her know might also make it easier to tell Carlisle. It definitely wouldn't do well to start with Charlie.
In the kitchen, Esme set about putting a kettle on the stove and gathering mugs.
"Peppermint, Bella? It helps with the nausea," she wondered innocently over her shoulder.
I blanched, swallowing thickly. "H-how did you know?"
She turned then, her eyes sad, but her expression kind. "Just a suspicion. Thank you for confirming."
Edward's face darkened. His hand slipped from mine to run through his hair. "What the fuck, Esme?"
She pursed her lips, turning to the stove as the kettle whistled. "I'm sorry. That's not fair of me. Let's sit down and we can discuss it like adults."
Esme gestured for Edward to sit, and he did, pulling the chair closest to me even closer. He draped an arm around my shoulder, tucking me into his side. I laid my head on his chest, feeling the hammering of his poor, broken heart. My hands were clammy and trembling as they twisted in the fabric of his shirt. Esme placed the mugs of steaming tea in front of us, taking the seat opposite.
"Well," Esme cleared her throat, wrapping her hands around her own mug. Her gaze flicked from my face to Edward's and back again. "I'm all ears," she prompted.
I swallowed thickly, my eyes cautiously meeting hers and away just as quickly. My fingers tightened in their grip on Edward. His arm flexed around me.
Tears blurred my vision again, and I removed one hand from Edward's shirt to cover my face. No matter how I phrased it in my head, I couldn't bring the words to my lips. Telling Edward was awful enough, but telling this woman - this kind, gentle woman - would break me. I was sure of it.
"I can't," I whimpered. I felt the brush of Edward's lips on my forehead before his free hand pried my fingers from my face. There were tears in his eyes again. It was enough to make me hate myself all over again.
"Tell me what to do, Bella."
"Please," was all I could manage, but he understood.
With a heavy breath, the words fell from his mouth. Like word vomit, they flew out, stumbling over each other. The arm behind me curled me ever closer. Though his voice shook and cracked, he soldiered on. He told her everything of that night – carefully glossing over our own bathroom tryst – up to the point that he left. And then he simply replayed the words I had spoken to him last night.
"I don't…we don't know whose baby…" His voice trailed off to little more than a whisper. I wasn't sure that he had been aware of our lack of protection that night. How I wished that I could be sure of the parentage. Perhaps that would make the options more solid in my mind.
Sometime during the confession, Esme had pulled a chair up to my other side. My head was now buried in her chest, my fingers claws against her back. I hadn't known until then how badly I needed that maternal guidance and support. I'd been so long without it, I hadn't felt the ache.
Esme removed one arm from me to draw Edward into her as well. He hesitated only a second before he threw his arms around us, his head tucked in her neck. She murmured soothing words to the both of us, her arms tight around us, holding us together.
Edward pulled away first. She swiped the tears from under his eyes and kissed him softly on the cheek. When I disentangled myself from her, she did the same for me.
"My sweet boy," she murmured, her hand cupping Edward's cheek. "What is it you want?"
With a fierceness I didn't know him capable of, he spoke. "I want Bella. If she wants the baby, then I want the baby. If she chooses…" he swallowed thickly, "if she chooses not to have the baby, then I'll hold her hand through it."
"What if it's not yours," I croaked, my eyes filling with tears as I searched his face.
The small, heartbroken smile on his face stole my breath. "It's still yours. And I want you, all of you. No matter what you decide, I'll be right here. I promise."
I shook my head, taking his hands in mind. "You can't give up your future, Edward. I can't ask you to do that."
His forehead bent to mine. "You didn't ask. And as far as I'm concerned, Bella, you are my future. I've already told you what I want for us. This decision is yours, love. I'll be here, always. No matter what."
"This is too much. We're barely legal adults," I whispered. My mind was spinning with the implications of Edward's declaration. There was a possibility that we could make it. We could raise this baby, be happy together. There was no way it would be easy, or without further complications, but it was possible.
And suddenly, a beautiful future painted a scene in my head. Edward and I, in a home of our own, a child with his jade eyes and my nose. In this future, we were happy, loved, and secure. Our child was well taken care of, doted upon, perhaps even spoiled. And wanted; so, incredibly wanted.
With the clearing of a throat, the image faded. Melted away, back to the future where it belonged. How I ached for that future. I knew the road ahead, choosing to keep the baby – and that choice was so clear to me now, how had I even thought otherwise – would be full of uncertainties and indecision. Probably full of heartache and disappointment. But with Edward by my side, it all seemed possible. Us against the world.
Carlisle, arms crossed, glanced around the three of us, his gaze wary. "Someone want to clue me in?"
My breath caught in my throat. Edward took my hands in his, resting them on the table. Though the news of this pregnancy was not entirely happy, there was a gentle smile on his face. Perhaps he saw the same future that I did.
I hoped so.
"Dad," Edward began. He blew out a breath, running a trembling hand through this hair. Carlisle dropped his arms, perhaps stunned that Edward had called him dad. It was a rare occurrence, even now that they were on better terms than they had been before.
Edward opened and closed his mouth several times, words failing him. It was Esme who finally moved, standing and ushering Carlisle towards her previously vacated chair. He folded his hands on the table, his sharp blue eyes flicking back and forth from Edward to me.
"I'm pregnant." The words fell with no preamble, bringing a blush to my cheeks. I sucked my bottom lip into my mouth, willing the god forsaken tears not to fall.
Carlisle opened his mouth to speak, but I raised a hand, begging his silence.
I cleared my throat, pulling Edward's hands to my lap to play with his fingers as I spoke. My voice was hardly more than a whisper. "I'm pregnant. And it may not be Edward's."
With a shaky inhale, I told the story of that night again, my eyes trained on Edward's hands in my lap. Just as I'd reached the part of James exiting the bedroom, Carlisle stood and quickly rounded the table. He dropped to his knees before the two of us, tucking us both under his arms. It wasn't until then I realized that I was shaking, or that Edward's body was wracked with silent sobs.
"It's going to be okay, kids. I promise. Everything is going to be okay."
We all knew it was a promise he couldn't keep, but no one dared call him on it. For now, we believed the lie. I allowed myself the solace his arms provided. Allowed myself to feel like the child I was, thrust so hurriedly into adulthood. Allowed the fear I kept at bay to seep through me as I clung to him.
I accepted his comfort. Because I knew telling Charlie was going to ruin everything.
A/N: These poor kids. Haven't they struggled enough? Geez. Just an epilogue to follow - promise there will be answers. And I always, always have an HEA. Reviews are lovely. I hope to have the epilogue up soon. Love ya! KQL
"I said I'd never let you go, and I never did
I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it
If you didn't have this chance then I never did
You'll always find me right there, again..."
Have Faith In Me - A Day To Remember