A/N: These kids. They never do what I want them to.

If You Could See Into My Soul

Epilogue: Home

Seven Years Later

Edward's POV

Anyone who said the first year of marriage was hard, has clearly never had a child.

The first year of Rowan's life was, unequivocally, the most challenging year for Bella and me. So challenging, in fact, that I had worried we wouldn't make it. It was a child's dream, I had realized, that our love would conquer all, and we could do anything so long as we had each other.

It was crap.

As far as pregnancies and births go, Rowan was wonderful. After the first trimester, Bella's nausea passed. She was tired, sure, but otherwise she handled it well. She managed to stay in school and graduate on time, an accomplishment that made Charlie not quite as angry as he'd originally been.

Telling Charlie about the night of the Halloween party, to that point, had been the most difficult thing we had faced together. No sooner had the word 'pregnant' left her mouth that Charlie had me pinned against the wall, his face a dangerous shade of red.

His voice was something between a snarl and a growl. Low and menacing. "You little shit. I don't care you're Carlisle's son. You touch my daughter again, and I swear I'll – "

"Daddy," she'd pleaded. Her hands wrapped around the arm pinning me to the wall.

Charlie turned to face her, surprised, I'm sure, that she'd referred to him in such a child-like way. Seeing the tremble of her lip, the way the blood had drained from her face, Charlie quickly released me, instead pulling Bella into his embrace.

Rubbing the sore spot on my chest, I listened to Bella recant the story, yet again, of that night. It never failed to make me nauseous. Charlie, to his credit, listened to the story in its entirety before he acted. With a set jaw and an angry oath, he turned towards his bedroom, returning with his service revolver.

Bella had been sobbing in earnest then, begging him to do nothing, not yet. She wasn't ready to face him, she had said. She wasn't ready to stand up and tell people what he'd taken from her. Charlie had been rightfully furious but conceded to his daughter's wishes, though he never did stop pestering her about speaking up.

James Hunter had moved to Arizona with his brother the weekend of Halloween. Bella never had to see the man again, choosing to keep the memory of that night only to those she chose to tell. Charlie didn't agree, but there was little he could do. It was the one remaining sore spot between Bella and her father.

At my parent's insistence, Bella moved into our home as she neared the end of the pregnancy. The basement was fully finished, complete with a full bathroom and kitchenette. It was the best option we could agree upon, deciding to stay in the same home to raise the baby would work the best for both of us. And neither of us could afford to rent a place at the time.

Charlie hadn't much liked that either, but he was learning to keep his opinions to himself where Bella was concerned. She was more grown up than I think he wanted to admit.

Just as well, too, because she'd gone into labor two weeks early, one early morning in July. Our son came screaming – quite literally – into the world in the mid-afternoon. And thereabouts is where things started to get more difficult.

Rowan was born with blond hair, the honey blond of my father, but it had sent Bella into a right panic. She had convinced herself that Rowan was not mine, but that he was, in fact, James's. And more frustrating still, she refused a paternity test, not wanting to truly know.

"It doesn't matter to me, Bella," I had murmured, swiping the tears from her eyes. Her face was red and splotchy, her hair a rat's nest, but she was magnificent. With the tiny boy in her arms, she had that glow about her that all new mothers seemed to exude.

Her lip trembled, and she tucked the curl of blond back under his cap. She placed a kiss on his forehead and smiled at the way his nose scrunched at being jostled. His features smoothed out again, his lips slack in sleep.

"You love him?" she wondered, her voice hardly more than a whisper.

"I do," I promised, gathering the baby in my arms. "I love you both." Bella looked between the both of us, perhaps looking for the similarities we may share. To me, he looked as all newborns looked. Perhaps he had Bella's nose, but I could see none of myself in him.

But it hardly mattered to me. He was half of her, and I loved him completely.

The first week was the easiest with him. Between Esme, Bella, and myself, Rowan was hardly set down. He barely opened his mouth to squeak before his needs were met. Even Charlie had been caught cooing at his grandson, his lips in a soft smile.

After that first week, Esme left us to our own devices. Though she was always available if we needed her, Bella was often too proud to ask for any help. She hated to ask even me for anything. It was positively infuriating.

And then, seemingly overnight, though he was two months old, Rowan seemed to grow restless. Colic, we were told. With our focus so intensely on Rowan, Bella's mental health suffered. Though we knew now it had been post-partum depression, at the time I had accused her of being disinterested in him.

Her eyes narrowed, though they welled with tears as well. "You think I don't love him?"

"That's not what I said," I snapped, bouncing the shrieking baby in my arms. I was growing frustrated, could feel angry tears pricking the back of my eyes. He just wouldn't stop crying. Our efforts seemed to be entirely useless.

"No, you think I'm a terrible mother," she spat, turning and slamming the door to the bathroom behind her.

I growled an expletive, rocking Rowan with perhaps a little too much gusto. I forced the pacifier into his mouth, sighing when it seemed to tamper the crying, even minimally. As his tears subsided, I heard Bella in the bathroom. My heart twisted in my chest as I heard the muffled sobbing.

With quick steps, I took the baby upstairs, begging Esme to keep him for just a few minutes.

Rowan in one arm, she cupped my cheek in the other. "Be patient, Edward. Her world is spinning out of control. Remind her she isn't alone."

At first, I bristled. Her world wasn't the only one spinning out of control. But then I realized how very different it was for her than myself. I was still able to take classes at the community college, able to hold down a part time job. When Emmett came home on the weekend, I could go out with him and do stupid bullshit.

Bella stayed at home with Rowan. Her friends – with the exception of Jacob – had left for college. And even though Jacob was around, he was busy working more often than not, and the rest of his time was spent with Leah.

Back downstairs, I could hear her on the phone. She was making that horrible, low keening sound that told me she was on the way to a full-scale meltdown.

"I can't," she gasped, her voice pleading. "I can't do it anymore."

Ice shot through my veins. Trying the doorknob, I found it locked. I splayed my palm on the wood, thinking back to the year before when I'd found her similarly locked in the school bathroom. My heart beat quick with my panic.

"Bella?" I swallowed thickly before I sunk to my knees, my head against the door. "Honey, I'm so sorry. Can you open the door? Can we talk?"

Through the door I heard her whimper, and a shuffle. When the door clicked open, I didn't hesitate to push it open. Her back was resting against the tub, her head on her knees. The phone was discarded beside her, but the screen was illuminated with Leah's name.

I picked up the cell phone, easing Leah's worries. I promised not to let Bella out of my sight anytime soon and heeded her warning of what would happen if anything would happen to her. Leah had taken the role of big sister very seriously where Bella was concerned. Charlie and Sue had been engaged for almost a month.

Ending the call, I set the phone on the counter and gathered Bella in my arms. She came willingly, her fingers curling almost painfully around my neck.

"I'm a horrible mother," she croaked, her words muffled against my chest. She sniffled, raising her eyes to mine. There was a deep sorrow in them I had never seen before. "I made a mistake, Edward. I should have given him away. I should have let someone else be his mother. I don't know how to help him. He never stops crying."

Hearing her admission broke my heart. I knew exactly how much she loved Rowan. I saw it every day, in the way she smiled when she held him or cooed quietly at him. How she never complained at getting up with him in the middle of the night or that she was always cooped up in the house with him.

I saw all of those things and had the audacity to say she was less than interested in his little life, mistaking her being overwhelmed for being negligent.

"No, Bella." I pulled her face away from my chest, cupping my hands around her cheeks. My thumbs stroked away the tears from her eyes. "I'm sorry for what I said. I know it isn't true. You and I, we're a team. And I know it isn't easy right now, but we're going to get through this. Together. I think you need a break. I think you should call Jacob and Leah and spend some time with them. Get out of the house, clear your head. I've been selfish, giving myself space but not offering the same to you."

With determination, I stood, pulling her to her feet as well. I disappeared into our closet, pulling out a pair of her most comfortable jeans and a flannel. "Get dressed, love. I'm taking you out."

That night was pivotal. It sparked the first of many requisite date nights. Those date nights were sometimes the only anchor we had to each other. Time to be us, Edward and Bella, not just mommy and daddy.

It was hard work, Bella getting better, but she was all the happier for it. There was a joy, a happiness and spark to her that I'd never bore witness to.

Leaning against the doorjamb, I took her in. Lips pouted, she filled them in with the palest of pink lipsticks. Her eyes were outlined by thick black lashes, her cheeks prettily flushed. Her hair fell in soft curls down to the middle of her back. The sides were pinned back, and a flower crown sat atop her head.

Beside her, our two-year-old, Finley, perched atop his step stool. Pacifier in his mouth, his head rests against the cabinet, blanket tucked between. His Aunt Rosalie had woken him from what appears to have been a fantastic nap, and he is none too happy. The miniature of my face is set into a defiant scowl, green eyes hooded wearily.

Finley had been another surprise. Bella had found out she was pregnant her senior year of college. She had rolled her eyes and groused that she had hoped to graduate before another baby was had. "We're starting a bad habit, Edward Cullen," she had groaned, "We can never go back to school, understand?"

"It's bad luck to see the bride before the ceremony," Bella murmured, her eyes meeting mine in the mirror. Her lips pulled up into a soft smile.

"Is it?" I pondered, stepping up behind her. I laid my chin on her shoulder, cheekily separating the front of her robe. "I thought it was only seeing the dress."

She batted my hands away, bending down to pull Finley into her arms. She deftly handed him over to me, straightening first his vest and then mine. With a hand to my chest, she reached up to place a chaste kiss on my lips.

"I love you."

"As I love you."

"Okay, okay," Alice's voice permeated the bubble we had found ourselves in. Bella squealed in delight, unaware that her best friend would be able to fly in from New York for the wedding. It was one of many wedding gifts I had gotten for Bella, but perhaps the one that would mean the most to her.

Lord knew she would pitch a fit over the car I'd purchased.

Hands on her hips, but mouth split wide in a grin, Alice took the both of us in. "Edward Anthony, I don't have to tell you it's bad luck to see the bride." She cocked a brow as she pulled Bella into a hug.

With a roll of my eyes, I retreated, pausing only to place a kiss on Alice's cheek.

Outside a flurry of activity was unfolding. My parent's backyard had been artfully arranged for the ceremony, an aisle littered with white petals and white chairs on either side. There were lanterns hung along the aisle, and the arch where we would stand dripped more white flowers and twinkle lights. The chairs were beginning to fill with our family and friends.

I'd offered the big white wedding in a church, but Bella had adorably wrinkled her nose at the idea. "Too much fuss," she had groused, rolling her eyes. And that was just fine by me.

Besides, we'd never been very traditional.

"Dad!"

I looked up to find Rowan atop his Uncle Emmett's shoulders, arms up towards the sky. On either leg were Emmett and Rosalie's four-year-old twins, Shiloh and Reagan.

"Dad, look! I'm as tall as the house," Rowan giggled. With my free arm, I hooked him around the waist, pulling him down from his perch.

"Your hair is a mess, kid," I muttered, grinning at the wild disarray he had inherited from me. His hands patted haphazardly at the mess, brown eyes scrunched in annoyance. With a huff, he shrugged his shoulders and slipped his hand in mine.

"I get to stand by you, right dad?" Both hands clung to mine now, his lips tucked between his teeth.

He'd inherited his mother's shyness. Anyone outside of the family was far too much, as far as Rowan was concerned. I stooped, hooking my arm under his bottom and lifted him into my arms. At six years old, it wasn't cool for me to hold him anymore. But these were extenuating circumstances, of course.

"Yeah, buddy, you get to stand by me," I promised, kissing his forehead. He was marrying Bella, after all, too. We all had the Cullen name, and he couldn't wait to share that with her. He wrapped his arms around my neck, fingers petting the top of his brother's head softly.

Emmett approached, his stance much the same as mine. The twins had been removed from his legs and were wrapped around either side of him.

"Big day, little bro," he teased, a dimpled grin across his face. "Where you headed for the honeymoon?"

"It's a surprise," I repeated for the umpteenth time. I hadn't told anyone beside Esme where we would be headed, lest the surprise be ruined. And only Esme was allowed to know because she would be watching the kids.

"Edward, its time. Get your butt up there," Rosalie appeared behind Emmett, her hand at the small of his back.

Rowan slid down my side, but Fin was much less inclined to leave my arms. Rosalie disentangled the grumpy toddler from my side, hushing his whimpers before they turned into a meltdown. Whose idea was it for the ceremony to happen during naptime, anyway?

I took my place beneath the arch, Rowan directly behind me. I looked out at the crowd, our family and friends, and felt a sense of rightness – belonging. How long had I felt so alone and out of place, and now I stood surrounded by a group of people who unquestionably loved the both of us.

Emmett and Leah were first down the aisle, followed by Rosalie and Jacob and lastly by Alice and Jasper. It was only by chance that they were in the wedding at all. It had only been a week ago that Jasper was able to confirm time off and secure a ticket home. Life in New York was hectic to say the least, but they were happier than ever.

Reagan and Finley held hands down the aisle, the cutest damn ring bearers I'd ever seen, and were quickly followed by Shiloh spreading more flowers along the way. My heart beat double time as everyone stood for the bride. My breath left me in a rush as I took her in, her arm tucked through Charlie's.

Her eyes shyly met mine, a delicious blush spreading along her cheeks. "I love you," she mouthed, and I grinned stupidly. The dress she wore was ivory, lace on top and flowy at the bottom. She was stunning, but then, she always was. I would think her beautiful in a burlap sack.

Behind me, Rowan let out a quiet, "Wow."

As they reached the altar, I stepped forward to take her hand in mine. Charlie's steely gaze pinned me, but his mustache twitched to hide a grin. Lowly, he groused, "You better take care of them, kid."

Without dropping his gaze, I vowed, "I will."

Seemingly satisfied, he placed her hand in mine and stepped back, towards Sue. I did my best to ignore the tears welling in his eyes. Though the relationship between them had been so strained, Bella and Charlie were closer now than ever. After Renee and Phil had moved to Florida, it seemed that they both relaxed a little and stopped blaming each other.

I found it hard to pay attention during the ceremony, but managed to say the obligatory, "I do," and the rest of my vows before I was lost in her gaze again. I'd be lying if I said there weren't tears in my eyes. It seemed so incredible to me, that she was mine, that this life was ours.

How long had I been so angry at the world, thinking myself deserving of the darkness I found myself in. I never knew it was her that I needed, the light to bring me home. And now our family was closer than ever.

The officiant cleared his throat, but there was a smile on his face. "I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

And kiss we did. Rowan cheered behind us, jumping excitedly. We did our best to keep the kiss chaste, but I lingered as she pulled away, pecking her lips twice more. When we parted, Bella took Fin in her arms and clasped our hands together. Rowan tucked his hand into my free one, and the four of us turned towards our family and friends.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Edward Cullen."

!#$#!

Exhausted, I set the suitcases down inside the doorway of the cabin and turned to lift Bella into my arms. She squealed, arms wrapping around my neck.

"I thought we said screw tradition, hmm?" she giggled, a little blissed out and a lot sleepy.

I nuzzled her nose with mine, a silly stupid grin on my face. "This one isn't so bad."

The reception had been beautiful. After countless pictures, the chairs and archway had been pushed away in favor of a dancefloor. There were lights strung from the trees, and white tents to cover tables and chairs. Despite not being traditional, we did have the obligatory father-daughter and mother-son dances. Esme had been pleased as punch when I told her I wanted to dance with her, and she'd been unable to hide the tears in her eyes as we swayed.

When I pulled Bella onto the dancefloor, there were tears in both of our eyes. The soft guitar opening of "First Day of My Life" by Bright Eyes pulled us into our own world. I must have told her I loved her at least a hundred times while we danced. And when Finley screamed his displeasure at being left out, we drew both of our boys into our embrace.

Cheeks pink, eyes bright, we laid on the bed together. I couldn't help but stare into her eyes and memorize the look on her face. The happiness we shared was a long time coming, sometimes seemingly impossible, but we had finally made it.

"So, we get this cabin for a whole week?" she wondered, fingers scratching my scalp. I closed my eyes and hummed in contentment.

"Yes, love. A whole week."

"So, that means…"

I opened one eye, a soft smile on my face. I kneeled and pulled her upwards, undoing the line of buttons down the back of her dress. When she stood, the dress pooled at her feet. She wore lacy white underwear that made me wish I wasn't quite so tired. I undid the crown from her hair, pulling the pins that held it in place. She tugged my shirt from my shoulders and undid my belt.

She turned to the suitcase and pulled out two of my t-shirts, pulling one over her head and offering me the other. Hitting the switch on the wall, she climbed back into the bed, tucking her head under my chin. In the darkness, I began to sing to her, listening to the way her breath evened out.

"And where was I before the day/ That I first saw your lovely face?/ Now I see it every day/ And I know that I am/ I am, I am, the luckiest…"

Non-traditional, indeed.

Over breakfast the next morning, Bella was fidgety. She poked at the eggs I had made her, bottom lip tucked between her teeth.

"Bella, really, Esme is more than capable of watching the boys for the week. Besides, Rosalie and Emmett are close by if she truly does need a hand," I murmured, reaching across the table to untuck her lip from her teeth.

She cocked her head, looking confused. "I'm not worried about the boys."

My brow furrowed. "Then what's wrong? You look so nervous."

Standing, she moved to the bedroom and reappeared with a small box in her hands. "I have one more wedding present for you."

I rolled my eyes at her but couldn't help the smile. "You've given me too much, already."

She shrugged, a mischievous glint in her eyes. "You'll love this one. And it's non-returnable."

Curious, I pulled the ribbon that held the box closed. Bella draped an arm around my shoulder, her chin on the top of my head as I removed the top of the box. It was the second time in as many days that she left me breathless.

Nestled among pink tissue paper was a sonogram and a positive pregnancy test. Eyes wide, I turned to her, a grin overtaking my face. I enveloped her lips in a kiss as I pulled her onto my lap.

"You're pregnant? Really?"

She nodded shyly. "16 weeks."

My eyes bulged at that. "16 weeks? How did I not notice? Why didn't you tell me before?"

She pursed her lips. "I was hiding it, goober. I wanted to wait until I knew what it was, and it just so happens that the sonogram was four days ago."

"You already know what we're having?"

Bella quirked a brow, reaching over to pick up the discarded box. She held it out expectantly, her face a mask of patience she typically reserved for our six-year-old. I looked at the box again, seeing that it was only full of the pink tissue paper. Pink tissue paper.

With a gasp, I stood, pulling her up with me. Her legs wrapped around my hips with a surprised squeak. My smile was so wide that it hurt my cheeks.

"It's a girl?"

She raked a hand through my hair before she captured my lips with hers. I set her on her feet, dropping to my knees before her. I kissed her belly, feeling the hardness beneath my lips. Bella pregnant, with my child, was perhaps more beautiful than seeing her in her wedding dress.

"Hello baby girl," I cooed. I glanced up at Bella to see the same beatific smile on her face before returning to her belly. "Hello Nora Elizabeth. Daddy loves you."

Bella giggled, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Guess that means it's time to move."

I made a face as I stood. We'd talked about moving the past two years, knowing we were outgrowing our three-bedroom condo. I'd been blessed with a trust fund that I gained after I graduated from college. It had allowed us to move out of my parent's basement and then some.

With a wicked smirk, I kissed her again. "It also means you can't protest the car that is your wedding present."

She gasped, eyes narrowing. "Edward Anthony, you did not get me a car."

"You're right, it's not a car, it's an SUV. And besides, you got me ridiculously expensive diamond cufflinks. The car is more for my peace of mind than for you. Eloise was simply not going to cut it."

Pouting, she returned to her seat. Speaking of her previous car – Eloise – always made her a little sad, but it had thankfully died a few months ago. She was eager to buy a new one, but I'd convinced her to wait, knowing what I wanted for her.

"The cuff links look good on you," she mumbled, lower lip jutted in the same pout Fin had mastered.

I stood and crossed the table, pulling her into my arms once more. I kissed her soundly, wishing that I hadn't gotten rid of the tongue ring several years ago when I'd gotten the job with Middough Inc.

Bella whimpered, returning the kiss in earnest.

"Edward," she murmured, her lips brushing mine.

I hummed in askance, unable to pull myself away from her.

She moaned low in her throat, sending a jolt straight down my spine. "We haven't consummated the marriage yet."

I grinned against her mouth, turning towards the bedroom. "How very rude of me."

As I settled between her parted legs, reveling in the feeling of being so completely owned and consumed by her, I reminded her again just how much I loved her. There was no part of me that would ever tire of this life, of her. No part of me that would want anything more than the life we had built together. Partners for the rest of our lives, the good and bad, up and down. She was home to me.

We'd been so broken as kids. And that's what we were, truly. Kids playing at being adults. The real world had been none too kind, and never easy to handle. But our life, as difficult and as much as we struggled through it, brought us to each other and to our beautiful family. To our boys and to our unborn daughter.

Before, where there had been darkness, I could only find light. I had no one to thank but Bella.

"I love you."

"As I love you."

A/N: I can't believe it's the end! This story came from somewhere so dark inside me. I wanted to write this to remind myself that life, as bleak as it may seem, may not always be that way.

Those of you who have seen this through to the end - thank you, truly. I've always enjoyed your reviews. I hope you will bless me with just one last review.

Love you all!

KQL

P.S. If you're like me and need to know middle names, here they are: Rowan Anthony and Finley Carlisle.

Songs:

First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes

The Luckiest - Ben Folds

Home - Blue October

"Truly, I can't wait
To see what's around the corner
I can't wait to soar
But baby, I lie awake and I watch you sleeping, thinking
It's the little things that make a home
Yeah..."