Why on Earth is Jack ringing his own doorbell? Sam asks herself. She gets up to answer it none the less. It's Daniel and Teal'c.
"You've got to be kidding me. I thought Jack was done avoiding me," she teases.
Daniel looks at his feet, and her heart jumps into her mouth.
"Is he okay?" she asks.
"He contracted a disease," Teal'c replies.
"He's aging rapidly," Daniel says.
Relief bubbles up in the form of a giggle.
Daniel's face is more serious than Jack's.
"This isn't some joke? He didn't set you up for this?" she says nervously.
"I wish," Daniel says. Sam takes a step back to invite them in. She figures this conversation is something that is classified enough that it should be taking place inside of her house.
"How exactly did he get this disease that made him so old?" she asks.
Even Teal'c avoids her eye.
"Fine. How fast is he aging?" she asks.
"About a year a day," Daniel says patiently.
"Shit," Sam says closing her eyes. It's the first time since she met Jack that she wished he was younger.
"I should go in and save him. Or see him, or something," she says.
"He's off world," Daniel says.
"Right," Sam says trying to keep the tears back.
"Major Carter, there is a bed in your living room," Teal'c informs her.
Daniel glances over Teal'c's shoulder, clearly not believing the Jaffa. "There is Sam," he says in awe, "There is a bed in the middle of your living room."
"Is this a Tau'ri tradition?" Teal'c asks.
"It's really not," Daniel answers.
"We had a fight," Sam says.
"A fight?' Daniel sputters, "A fight that ended with a bed in the living room?"
"I believe it is more likely that the bed in the living room is what ended the fight," Teal'c says stoically.
Daniel looks at him in shock.
"He's not wrong," Sam quips.
Daniel stares at her open mouthed.
-0-
"Daniel, can you come over?" Sam asks one the phone.
"Your house or Jack's?" is the only question he asks.
"I…sold my house," she says.
"Okay, I'll be there soon."
-0-
An unbelievably polluted looking plume of smoke is rising from something that looks like it really could be Sam's backyard. It's not thought, right? There is no way she would do that. He is about to knock on the door when he hears Sam cuss, in Abydonian (where the hell did she learn that?). He goes into the backyard.
"You set the bed on fire," he observes trying really hard not to grin.
"Am I going to go to prison?" she asks panicked. She's trying to put it out with the garden hose. It's still smoldering.
"You'll be fine. Why did you set the bed one fire?"
"Kynthia is really pretty," Sam states.
"You watched my video then," Daniel says.
"Maybe if I'd had sex with him he wouldn't have had sex with her," Sam says.
Daniel laughs is such a genuine way she feels silly for thinking that, "So you let the bed on fire," Daniel says now surveying the scene with more seriousness.
"I read somewhere that Mary Todd Lincoln did it."
"Well, no she actually didn't."
"Oh. I just thought…she was bipolar."
"Actually that was sexist propaganda against a woman who sort of invented the modern first ladyhood."
"Okay, so she was way too sane to pull something like this."
"Sam, she gave him cake," Daniel says.
"Mary Todd gave who cake?"
"Kynthia gave Jack cake. We weren't sure what was in it on the planet. Janet analyzed it, and it turns out he was drugged."
Shit. She was angry at someone for being raped. Maybe that's not quite what Daniel meant, "Are we talking shots of tequila or a roofie?"
"Somewhere in between," Daniel says.
"Daniel, can we please not tell Jack about this," she says looking at the bed.
"I think he'll notice when he comes home to a room without bed."
"Don't count on it," Sam giggles remembering Jack falling on the floor.
"We're recording messages for him tomorrow. We're not…exactly allowed to go back to that planet."
She has to record a goodbye message to him? She feels like she hasn't really gotten to say hello yet.
"This would have made more sense if he actually slept with her in the bed," Daniel says.
"That was a thought that crossed my mind about ten minutes ago when I was still worried the tree was going to catch on fine," Sam says.
"You sleep in that bed," Daniel points out.
"You're not wrong."
"You want to stay at my house tonight?" Daniel asks her.
"I really didn't think this one through," Sam bemoans.
Daniel grabs her by the waist to give her a side hug of comfort. "It's okay, you can buy him a new bed, and put it in the living room. That is how you and he solve fights after all."
Note: Sam's confusion was mine. I was sure I'd read somewhere that Mary Todd Lincoln had lit the bed on fire on the white house lawn. Then I researched it for this story, and I found no evidence to support that.