When I write a fic your opinion matters and since I appreciate your comments a lot here's a quick update.
Nick didn't return home, he went straight to the station. Work seemed to be one of the only things that kept his mind off of his personal life. But he was sent home after a few hours and was glad to see he was alone.
He turned on the shower and tried not to think about anything, let the water clear his mind as it took away the dirt. But it wasn't working, Nick closed his eyes and saw her. Amanda wearing the dark blue dress, her lips inches away and this time she let him kiss her. She let him touch her, take the dress off of her body and he was savoring it, exposing her beautiful skin, his lips on her neck, her breasts. Nick could almost hear her moans. He tried to think about something else but there was nothing but her and that image, she was lying naked on a bed and he was with her. Nick's hand moved lower, he was touching himself but could feel her, how she would feel…
But Amanda wasn't there, and he could feel the image slipping away. He was stroking his cock so hard, it almost hurt, everything hurt. He couldn't see anything anymore, it was all dark in front of him and when he came it felt like he was punched in the gut. Nick opened his eyes and saw the light green tiles, they seemed so ugly, he was disgusted by them, by everything that was in the room, especially the man who was standing there.
His eyes stung but he didn't bother fighting it, he let the tears pour down as the water washed it away.
Nick wasn't sure how much time he spent in the small room. When he walked out he saw his wife in the living room, he didn't realize she was back.
"Are you ok Nick?" she asked "you're eyes are really red"
"It's just the shampoo, it got into my eyes"
It's been just over a month since he returned from Atlanta and Nick came back home after another double shift. He's been spending almost all of his time at work, and when he wasn't working he was working out. He was grateful for long stakeouts, or any excuse not to sleep at home.
Nick walked into the apartment, he's been feeling like a stranger, it wasn't his place.
"Hey" he said quietly, she was in the kitchen and smiled at him.
"Nick, I'm glad you're here, I want to have a word" she looked up.
"Ok" he sat down on the couch and waited for her to join him, he felt tired, but it wasn't the lack of sleep.
"We're not happy"
She was right but he was afraid to agree.
"I've been thinking for a long time Nick, about us. From the beginning, we should have never taken things so far, I feel like it was just convenient for both of us, with your work and with mine, neither of us having time to really date, to find a serious relationship. We took it too far, getting married because of the baby and then after we lost it…it was a mistake, you don't love me and I don't love you, not like you're supposed to. We are both good people who don't deserve this. You suffer and I suffer too. We can't stay together anymore"
Nick gave her a slight nod, he never loved her, he was trying to ease the guilt and when she got pregnant, he just wanted to do the right thing, take responsibility, give the child a real family. But forcing himself couldn't have been the right thing, could it?
"I saw a lawyer and…" she walked to the other room and returned with an envelope "these are divorce papers, I think it's fair, I'll stay in the apartment, but no one's gonna have to pay any spousal support, it's the cleanest break possible"
Nick took a deep breath and it felt like this was the first time he was breathing in years.
Spring 2005
"Amaro" Berg rushed out of her office to his desk "I just got a call"
"What about?" Nick knew that it was important, she looked serious "remember our visit to Atlanta a few months ago?" he nodded, how could he forget "back then they took the bullet out of that bartender but couldn't find a match, that is until a few days ago"
"I thought they didn't want us to help with that anymore" he wondered who called her, maybe it was Amanda, how did she sound?
"But the match was to a case in New York, a shooting from two days ago so Bates called me, he' and his partner are already here"
"Ama…Rollins, right?" Nick tried to control his tone.
"Yes, they're already at homicide" she said.
"Want me to see if I can contribute?" Nick stood up, he almost didn't wait for her to talk.
"Yeah, I talked to homicide and they…"
"On my way" Nick couldn't leave fast enough, he didn't even notice the captain wasn't done talking. All he wanted was to lay his eyes on Amanda.
It wasn't his first time at homicide, they asked their help in a few cases in the past, but now he felt like a rookie, like he had no idea what to do, where to go. Nick searched for her and noticed she and another detective were drinking coffee, it seemed like he was telling her a joke and she liked it or at least acted like it was funny.
Nick walked towards them but before he got a chance to call her name someone called his.
"Amaro" it was Bates "thanks for coming, the guys here have a few pictures for you"
"No problem" Nick glanced at Amanda, she and the other man walked to the desk "I'm happy to help"
"Rollins, you remember Amaro, right?" Bates said and she nodded.
"What are you doing here Amaro?" The detective who spoke with Amanda asked, Nick met him before but couldn't remember the name "we told your captain we'd send the photos over to you"
"I'm already here" he glanced at Amanda again and the detective handed him the picture.
"A sniper?" Nick looked at her and she nodded. He didn't think the guy was in the gang, he didn't recognize him "I haven't seen him when I was undercover"
"Would have been much easier if you knew the name" the detective sat down.
"Sorry, but I'd love to help you out anyway" Nick offered, he did want to help, that operation was a big deal for him, an important part of his career and he felt like it was his responsibility to find out what was going on.
"I think we're ok here, we have back up from Atlanta so we'll be fine, but we'll call if we need anything else"
"Oh" Nick was disappointed, he looked at Amanda, wanted her to ask him to stay, but it wasn't her choice and now she was focused on some report and not on him.
Nick thought she looked a little different than the last time he saw her, as if something in her has changed. Nick couldn't figure out what it was exactly, she looked stronger and he hoped she was.
"Looks like it's not connected to your gang" Bates shrugged "the case went cold in Atlanta minutes after the shooting, the only evidence we got was the bullet and it's been months"
"No witnesses?" Nick asked, his eyes on her.
"Nothing" Amanda shook her head.
"Thanks for coming over anyway, Amaro" the other detective said and Nick realized he was no longer welcome.
Nick returned to the station feeling like a failure, he walked to the captain to let her know he was back.
"Amaro" she smiled "you took off faster than the sniper's bullet"
"Sorry, it's just that this case…" the case and Amanda.
"I understand, Amaro" she gestured on the chair and he sat down "we all thought we had it under control, took the drug off the streets. It's not your fault"
"I know" he let out a puff of air, feeling a bit frustrated, he wanted the detective to ask him to help "it's just that I wanted to make a difference and now…"
"Is that why you wanted to be an officer?" Berg asked.
"Honestly?" she nodded "I never told you this, but when I was a kid my father used to beat the crap out of my mom, he beat me up too, but not as much. One day somebody, a neighbor maybe, called the police. When the cop arrived, my mom gave him an excuse and I was standing there, I think I was five and he just left, I saw him leave even though she looked terrible. She didn't look like she fell or like she was clumsy" Nick took a few breaths "I guess I wanted to be different, to make a difference. Because I don't know why he didn't insist, I don't know why it took her so much time to leave…"
"What about him?" Berg asked "you ever asked yourself why your father hit her or you?" Nick wasn't sure what to say "I've worked with you for a long time Amaro, you're a good detective, you're a good man. I trust you and know you care. But your problem is that you want to help under your conditions, you think your way is the only way, and if someone refuses to ask for help they are automatically wrong. You need to understand that sometimes the way to help someone is by being there, listening, waiting. That's the hardest thing to do, to really support someone, understand they need something else, like time. Maybe they are wrong, but often if you force someone before they are ready, they will not trust you. This doesn't always apply, but you still need to understand that"
Nick's thoughts returned to that night in Atlanta, when he had the fight with Amanda, when he hurt her and left her. Berg was right, he should have listened to her, should have seen she was genuinely afraid. He shouted at her, as if she wanted to get hurt. Why did he leave? How could he walk away on her when she was so hurt?
Nick had to tell her all of that, to ask for forgiveness. He's been feeling guilty about his behavior all these years and maybe this was his chance to make amends.
Nick returned to homicide a while later, he waited in his car, feeling like he was back in Loganville, waiting for her to leave the station after her sister was arrested. When they were in Atlanta a few months ago the captain mentioned that she just died and Nick asked himself what happened, he could probably guess but needed Amanda to tell him. Nick had to hear her voice, see her face.
Finally she showed up, he saw her walking down the stairs, looking to be in a hurry. She walked to the right and entered a coffee shop. Nick smiled to himself and quickly left his car, he hoped no one would recognize him there, no one but her.
There were a lot of people in the shop and Nick noticed her standing in line, she held on to a piece of paper and he figured she was on a coffee run, saving everyone from the dreadful coffee the NYPD provided.
"There's a line man!" someone called when he cut in front of him.
"Excuse me" Nick apologized "I'm not buying anything"
Amanda turned to see what was going on and was a bit shocked to see Nick.
"Hey" he smiled at her.
"What are you doing here?"
"I had to talk to you" he lowered his voice, not wanting others to listen in "alone"
"Well, there's no one else in this place" she smirked, not sure how to react to his words.
Amanda looked down on his hands and noticed the ring was missing, she looked up at his face with a questioning expression "what do you want Nick?"
"I have a lot of things to say to you, not here, but…" the line was moving and they took a few steps forward "later, when you have some time, can I meet you somewhere? It's important"
Amanda felt like she wasn't standing in that coffee shop, she was back on the beach in Miami, Nick was lying next to her, asked if he could kiss her, a part of her wanted to do exactly that right now, forget she was in the middle of an investigation, forget that she was out to get everyone coffee and kiss him like nothing mattered. But he was married, wasn't he? So what if he didn't have the ring, this wasn't the right thing to do.
But what did he want to tell her? What was so important that he followed her in here? When they met in Atlanta Nick had nothing to say to her, just didn't want things to be awkward. Well, they were awkward then and they were still awkward now. Maybe talking wasn't a good idea, she should ask him to leave, they didn't need his help in the investigation and she didn't need him, she didn't want to see him, be close to him, touch him, kiss him, feel his lips on her body…No! What was she doing? It's been years, why was she still thinking about him?
It's not like she was alone in Atlanta, she dated a little. After graduation there was Thomas, for about six months, but she broke it off, wanted to focus on her career and he didn't like the fact she was a cop. And there was Greg, it lasted a lot longer but she didn't feel anything with any of them. She wanted to, but couldn't force herself. She did say it to Greg one night, thinking it would change things, as if it would make her feel it. But she didn't love him, she didn't even know what love felt like.
"Please" Nick could see she hesitated, he had to convince her somehow, something told him this was the last chance. If she says no, if he walks away, it will be over and they will never see each other again.
She glanced at his hand again and Nick raised it.
"It's over" he was talking about the marriage, hoping this was why she looked "please" he repeated, not sure she'd appreciate him begging in public.
It was her turn to order the drinks and Nick waited until she was done.
Amanda told herself to say no, what could he tell her? What did she want him to say? She opened her mouth and reminded herself of the word – no, tell him you don't want to talk to him.
"Ok" she muttered, not sure what happened to her voice, to her plan.
Nick was so relieved he gave her a wide smile "where are you staying?"
Amanda grabbed one of the cups, it was her drink, she took a pen and wrote the hotel's name, room number and ten pm.
"Thank you" he took the cup from her and wondered if she'd say anything else. But Amanda stayed silent as she took the remaining drinks and walked away.
"Hey man, thought you weren't ordering anything" a man said, but Nick didn't care about him. All he wanted was for the clock to move faster.
"Hey mom" Nick walked into the house "how are you doing?"
"I'm ok" she gave him a kiss "I didn't know you'd come by"
"You still keep all the old pictures, right? I'm looking for one of them…"
"You're looking for an old photo?" Cesaria wondered why, he never really liked looking through photographs and when he got married he didn't even give her copies. Of course it was probably for the best because the marriage ended and it would have been weird to keep those memories around.
"Yes ma, do you remember where they are?"
"Of course I know where I put them. But I don't know where's the one that you need, come on" she showed him where she kept everything.
It took Nick a while but finally he was staring at the right one, Amanda and him at that party. They seemed happy and he wanted to feel that again.
"You found what you've been looking for?" Cesaria peeked into the room.
"Yeah, thanks mom" Nick walked to her and smiled.
"Good thing I didn't throw them away"
"You're always right ma" he gave her a quick kiss.
"Why don't you stay for dinner?" she offered.
"Thanks, but not tonight" Nick smiled "I have something to do" Nick was about to walk out of the door when he turned around "and mom, I love you"
At 22:05 Nick knocked on the door. He was at the hotel earlier, sitting in the parking lot for some time. He walked around in the lobby after he could no longer stay cooped in the vehicle. Nick felt like everybody could notice how nervous he was. The hour he's been waiting for couldn't get there fast enough.
Nick hoped she'd listen, but he knew he had no right to expect for more. He had no idea what he wanted Amanda to do, she could say thanks for the apology, goodbye. Maybe she won't even accept it. Even after all the years he could see her face clearly, the way she looked that night. The tears she tried to hold back, the pain she couldn't hide. As if she was the one punched in the gut, like she was the one who got hit by that pipe. And he saw everything but was blind to it. He was insulted so he just walked away, blaming her.
Nick looked at his watch. It was 22:00, he was late.
"Hi" she opened the door and let him in. Nick looked at her, dressed in a red plaid shirt and a pair of jeans, ripped at the knees. Seeing her like that Nick knew why he was in so much pain for such a long time.
He was in love with her.
It dawned on him, didn't he realize this before? Didn't he realize he was completely in love with this woman? All of these years, the reason he couldn't stop thinking about her was because he loved her, like he never loved anyone before, never will again.
"Amanda I l…" he stopped himself, had to say something else first "I came here to apologize" he said, Amanda was looking at him but he couldn't read her, didn't know what she was thinking. Nick reached to his back pocket and took out the photograph, looking at it with a slight smile. He handed it to her.
"Remember? Your friend took it at that party" he watched as her eyes fell on the people in the Polaroid, the same people who were standing in the room.
"Yeah" Amanda nodded, examining the photograph, not sure what she was feeling, what she wanted to feel.
"I wish I could go back to that day Amanda" he confessed "I wish I could hold you and not let you go. Because what happened later, what I said that other night…I made a mistake. I thought the only way I could help you was if you listened to me, but I didn't hear you. I just walked away on you because I was angry at what you said to me. I've been feeling like crap ever since because of what I've done. I wish I could change things, that I could really be there for you. Everything in my personal life got messed up because I was wrong, because I didn't understand what I know now"
He stopped talking for a moment, the words got mixed up in his head and he wasn't sure if she heard him, if he even said a single word or just stared at her the entire time. He took a step towards her, still unsure of what she was thinking, because she was still holding on to the photo. Her eyes looked so blue, and he had no idea if it was the color or if it was the emotion.
"Amanda" he moved closer, wanting, but almost afraid to reach for her. There was one more thing he had to confess to.
"I fell in love with you the moment I saw you"