BOOOOOM!
A black wall was blown apart by Keldeo's Focus Blast.
No matter what we say or do,
Keldeo activated his Secret Sword and swung it, causing the screen to burst.
It's never up to me and you,
Victini rose into the air, his ears glowing with the power of V-Create.
We smile now and sing a cheer!
Keldeo and Santa Paws screamed in horror as huge burst of dark purple energy erupted in front of them.
Ghost Pony Rider roared.
Kyurem and Cryogonal the Critics both screamed as a zombie Lucario with a chainsaw appeared on their TV.
Keldeo screamed in horror, but sprayed himself with water to snap out of it.
Imperator Justinian was seated behind a desk in his study, with Keldeo standing on the other side.
The show must go on!
"FORESHADOWING!" Munna exclaimed.
"NO SHIP, SHERLOCK!" the Intoxiquer shouted.
"SPOILERS!" Zorua exclaimed.
The show must go on!
Jack Storm sprung awake in shock.
Matthais Unidostres and BrickBrony1894 bro-hoofed.
Meloetta sat down with Madoka the Fennekin and Damian the Meloetta on either side of her.
A Greninja stood ominously next to a Lucario with red Aura.
Keldeo and Ryan the Lucario fought on a cliff top, Secret Sword and Bone Rush clashing over and over.
Never fear . . .
Button Mash and Sweetie Belle bonked heads as they tried playing Wonderbolt Free Fliers.
Keldeo burst out of the ice encasing him in an explosion of light.
The show! Will! Go! On!
Keldeo reared up on his hind legs, his expression serious and his Secret Sword raised and glowing brightly.
Keldeo the Critic
Season 4 Episode 6: WORST FANFIC EVER
Tinyurl: q4hzhd2
"It's me! Keldeo the Critic! I review it so you don't have to!" Keldeo greeted.
Keldeo opened up his HP ENVY 15z-j000 Notebook PC and said, "You're probably wondering why the title says 'worst fanfic ever.' Well, you see, I've been called upon."
Keldeo leaned in and said, "There is a fanfic worse than 'Pikachu's Girlfriend.' Worse than Vegetta at Jublife?'. Worse than 'Goodbye Pikachu, I'll Miss You.' Matthais sent me the file that contains this fanfic which he claims to be the worst one he's ever read. Now, he was very vague when he said this. This fanfic could be from any show, movie, book, or game. So it's basically a wild card. He said it's rated K+, so it can't be the worst one because of any blood, gore, or immorality. So I suppose the title of 'worst fanfic' comes from bad writing and bad characterization."
Keldeo gulped loudly, a look of fear on his face. "Unfortunately, bad writing and bad characterization can and have metaphorically stung me pretty badly. So this could mean big trouble for me."
Keldeo managed a smile and said, "Luckily, it's just a fanfic. It can't really injure me or kill me or anything like that. So, no matter how bad it is, I'm sure we'll all be able to have fun with it and pick it apart piece by piece. Well then, let's not waste any more time. Let's see what this fanfic is."
Keldeo opened the file.
Palace Pets
By: Dark Santa
It's the first official Palace Pets Fanfic! Every Palace Pet included I think...
"NO-NO-NO! Nononononono!" Keldeo exclaimed as he fell to his knees and hit himself in the face with his forehooves. He then looked up and said, "No, you don't understand! This isn't just a bad fanfic, this is bad fanfic based off of a cheap Disney spin-off/rip-off!"
"Palace Pets was Disney's attempt to rip off of Hasbro's My Little Pony and Littlest Pet Shop. The Palace Pets are just the pets of Snow White, Belle, Aurora, Tiana, Jasmine, Ariel, Mulan believe it or not, and Cinderella. Pocahontas even got some later on, although those two particular abominations aren't in this fanfic, thank Mickey. But what makes these characters stink is not only are they cheap rip-offs of better shows, but. . . oh . . . look at a picture of them all! They're the most hideously girly things ever made! They're nearly as bad as G3.5 of My Little Pony! They even have Cutie Marks! Yeah, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM has a Cutie Mark! How did they expect to get away with this? How DID they get away with this? Why hasn't Hasbro sued them yet? You'd think Disney would have the decency to at least buy Hasbro first like they did to Lucasfilm Limtd. Just watch, Disney will one day buy Hasbro. We're gonna see Equestria Girls Mickey walking around Disney Land, just you wait."
"And even worse is that these ugly things have replaced the original actual pets. Meeko and Flit? Gone! Rajah the tiger? He was so awesome by the way. . . Gone! Pascal the chameleon? Gone! All those dogs the other princesses ran into? All gone! Why? Because sickeningly cute things are more marketable than actual characters! Walt Disney is rolling in his grave!"
Keldeo's eyes widened in utter horror. "Oh my gosh . . . if what Disney actually did was bad enough, imagine what this fanfic is like! I can't even think that maybe the author improved the characters to try and fix Disney's mistakes because Matthais literally told me that this was the 'worst fanfic ever'! I'm doomed!"
Keldeo utilized Twilight Sparkle's breathing technique and relaxed. "Okay . . . I gotta stop blowing things out of proportion. It's just a fanfic. It can't hurt me. I just gotta read it, point out all its flaws, and it'll be over. Okay. Good. Alright everyone, this is Palace Pets."
Things you need to know:
Petit is French
Lily and Bayou have a southern accent
Berry talks fast
Oh yeah to know who's who just go to
"I assume that the author tried to put the address to the Palace Pets DisneyWiki page there, but the site wouldn't allow it. Well, I'm not gonna go into detail about every single pet and their species, owner, and backstory. So I suggest you open the DisneyWiki page in another tab and search for Palace Pets so you'll know who's who."
Keldeo nodded and prepared himself, "Okay. It's time for the story to being. Let's do this."
Today Beauty, Bloom, and Aurora are taking a trip to Toon Town, where all Walt Disney Productions live.
Keldeo raised an eyebrow, "Toon Town? Does that make this a Who Framed Roger Rabbit crossover?"
She was off to visit Mickey and Minnie Mouse and was going to offer breadsticks.
Keldeo gave a blank stare.
"Uh, okay, two things. One: Mickey Mouse is in this story? I actually don't know how to feel about this."
"Two: Princess Aurora is going there to eat some breadsticks? Breadsticks!? Are you serious? That makes no sense. That's like the President of the United States going to Hoboken, New Jersey to pick up a box of ketchup packets."
"Oh, and also, a My Little Pony ripoff with a pony named Bloom is actually kinda funny when you think about, specifically because Bloom has a Cutie Mark."
"So our. . . 'heroes' . . . I guess, arrive at the house only to discover that Minnie's pet cat Figuaro is missing."
Minnie was standing at the table chair in a tux with a black bow. She was hollering a name "Figuaro! Figuaro! Figuaro!" she said
Keldeo moaned and face hoofed. "You just had to make a joke like that, didn't you? Bullwinkle the Moose did a Figuaro joke that was funnier than this! The Veggie Tales Indiana Jones parody did a Figuaro joke funnier than this! And they were just pratfalls!"
"Well anyway, all the other Palace Pets are upset about Figuaro's disappearance."
"I can't believe he's gone!" Lily pouted on her pillow.
"Yeah! He was a great cat!" Berry frowned.
"He was a male cat! The only other male cat in fact," Sultan said
Keldeo nodded sitffly and said, "Well, yeah, he was, except for Rajah, of course. Ya know, Jasmine's original pet tiger who was big and strong and cool looking. Oh, but they had to get rid of him so they could make you, Sultan. So thanks for that."
Portal 2 Announcer: "Sarcasm Self-Test Complete."
"Oh, And did I mention you look just as girly as your other friends? Seriously, have some pride, guy! You need to take some lessons from Spike the Dragon!"
"Well Aurora was talking with Mickey the Mouse and Minnie was screeching Figuaro and then they said that Figuaro was missing," Bloom explained
"So Aurora made an announcement that whoever finds the cat gets 19,000 gold coins," Beauty added
"Well he has to be around Toon Village!" Treasure said. "Preferably beside the ocean," Every pet glared at her. That was not the time for her seasick jokes. Treasure has a problem with the ocean and want's to literally be a catfish and will try anything to be with the ocean.
Keldeo nodded thoughtfully, raising an eyebrow in interest, and he said, "You know, that's actually pretty interesting. I would much rather read a story about that, or at least along those lines-."
An image of the cover of The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea appeared.
"OH GOSH! FORGET IT! FORGET IT!" Keldeo shouted frantically.
"I just don't want Figaro to be hurt," Summer said breathing heavily
"It's okay, girl we'll find him," Lily said
"Well I can't leave the castle, I have training with the other horses in a few minutes and every other horse too and we don't want to miss Maximus," Goldie said thinking of the white stallion.
"Sugarpot, you mean you don't want to miss Max unlike you we don't like him," Bayou explained. Goldie blushed redder then Ariel's hair.
Keldeo was looking at his laptop, which suddenly had a printer attached to it. Keldeo typed with the tips of his hooves, and then hit print.
He looked up from the keyboard and said, "Oh, I was just typing a letter to mail later. It's for Maximus. You know, the funny horse from the movie Tangled. Yeah, it's just a letter telling him to stay as far away as possible from any small, overly feminine ponies cause. . . yeah, he honestly deserves better than. . . that. . ."
"Oh yeah, the author got her name wrong. It's Blondie, not Goldie."
"So the ponies leave, leaving Lilly, Berry, Sultan, Treasure, Summer, Pumpkin, Beauty, Angel, Winona, Tank, Gummy- oops. Sorry, I was thinking of a much better franchise just then. Anyway, the other pets decide to find Figauro themselves."
"Palace Pets Go!" they all said except for Blossom who just stood there.
"Really?" Keldeo asked in a deadpan tone, "That's you catchphrase? Wow, that's incredible. What an amazing, inspiring slogan. Did Team Rocket teach you that? It's a true masterpiece of a motto."
Portal 2 Announcer: "Sarcasm Self-Test Complete."
"But you know what's kind of funny? How Blossom just does nothing. Like it should be a meme; Blossom the Panda Don't Care! She just wants nothing to do with all this. You know what, I'm with you on this one, Blossom, I would've done the same thing."
"So these extremely valuable pets owned by royalty just go wandering around Toon Town where psychos like Judge Doom and his gang live."
They ran to the Mouse Cottage. "Hey Blossom knock the door will ya?" Sultan asked. Blossom rolled her eyes. The opened and there was a duck with a bow.
"Aw! Little toons selling cookies!" Daisy said. "Maybe that'll make Minnie stop crying," Daisy thought.
The pets rolled their green, brown and blue eyes. Pumpkin was getting tired of this and started 'talking'
"Hi I'm Pumpkin, Palace Pet, pet of: Cinderella can we speak to Minnie?" Pumpkin asked. Well to Daisy it was Ruff, Ruff, Ruff, Ruff,?
"Well if you show me the cookies then I'll give them to you," Daisy said.
"Berry! Get some cookies out of your bag!" Teacup said.
Berry took some carrot cookies out. Daisy looked at them in disgust. "I'll take 1," Daisy said not wanting to ruin the pets hopes. Daisy then took a dollar out of her pocket. She gave it to Pumpkin.
Treasure looked at the money. "Hey! We didn't say anything about..." she got shut off by Daisy who slammed the door close.
"Maybe we should talk to Pluto," Lily suggested. Everybody nodded.
Keldeo stared with his jaw hanging open.
"What the hay was that!? I mean, really, what was that? First of all, did Daisy Duck seriously not recognize royal pets? Second of all, why does she think they're selling cookies? Third of all, I'm pretty sure the Palace Pets are able to speak English. Fourth, why is there a semicolon in Pumpkin's dialogue? Why did the author write it like that? It's like when GLaDOS says subject name here. And fifth, why is Daisy disgusted by the cookie? Did Berry pick it up with her mouth, or does Daisy just not like carrots?"
Keldeo shrugged, "You know what? Forget it. Play the meme."
Slappy Squirrel: "That was pointless."
"Thank you. So our . . . 'heroes' . . . go talk to Pluto. Our nice, sweet, adorable, kind animal friends go to see another fellow animal friend and share a moment of fellowship and-."
Pluto was sleeping until Berry bit him. Pluto woke up and howled so loud. "Berry! That's not the proper way to bite!" Teacup said. She then bit Pluto even harder. "Step aside ladies, let the master do it!" Sultan said
"Ow! Okay, I get it you want to bite me but why me?!" Pluto said. Pumpkin rolled her eyes. "Tell us all you know about Figaro or there'll be a lump on that paw of yours,"
Keldeo's jaw hung open again. "Huh? What? They're savagely biting him? Why are they biting him!? It makes no sense!" Keldeo cried out desperately. "I'm trying, Dark Santa. I'm really trying to understand your fanfic, but it just won't add up!" Keldeo shouted as he stomped his hooves. "I mean, are there any other real Disney characters you want to insult? I mean, the Disney universe is so vast and full of variety, I'm sure you can find ways to make a buttmonkeys out of every single Disney character in existence. In fact, why not show us ugliness. Just ugliness! I mean, if the fact that you actually like these hideous Palace Pets are any indication, then you must be real good at that!"
"FORESHADOWING!" Munna shouted as she flew by.
Keldeo blinked, "Uhhhh. . ."
Keldeo shook it off and said, "Okay, but seriously, Dark Santa, you have to explain why the characters do what they do! I'm pretty sure these characters meant for little girls are not supposed to be jerks to others who have never done anything to them! Why are-"
Keldeo growled and said, "You know what? I'm gonna borrow something from Cinematic Excrement and call these pets 'losers.' Okay. Good. So after torturing Pluto, our losers force him to tell them where Figauro is."
Figaro ran away and moved at pizza parlor alley two weeks ago. I visit him twice a day. He roommates with two nasty other cats Sizzle and Burn. Figaro says he's having a time of his life but I can see he's miserable in his eyes plus Burn and Sizzle ugh!"
"Okay, so now we have our villains. Burn and Sizzle. Oh yeah, and I gotta say that the grammar in this story is just amazing!"
Portal 2 Announcer: "Sarcasm Self-Test Complete."
The pets saw Figaro but with a two dirty looking cats. Summer and Beauty looked at them so scared.
"Summer and I will stay," Beauty said with Summer nodding. Every pet glared at them. Figaro saw the pets.
"Hey Guys! What's up?" Figaro asked.
"We were just I don't know, getting dread ends trying to find you!" Summer growled referring to her awkward ponytail. Figaro gulped. The pets all had their evil side and is not that kind as their owners.
Keldeo looked bored. "Again: what? That's your explanation for why these characters are such horrible persons? You can't just have characters act rude for no reason and not give an explanation for it. Show, don't tell. Bad writing. Boooooooo."
"The reason why I left is because Minnie is ruining my street cred,"
"Oh, you gotta be kidding me," Keldeo said with laughter in his voice, "That's like Pikachu leaving Ash because he wouldn't let him get a skull tattoo on his tail."
"He's ruining ours too," Sizzle whispered loudly
"Cause he's a cow!" Burn said
Keldeo immediately stopped laughing and nearly fell over backwards. "What? Do you mean he's black and white like a cow, or the slang term used to insult women. . . which still wouldn't make any sense because he's a guy . . . Gosh, this fanfic is stupid."
"Sizzle!" Sizzle yelled
"And Burn!" Burn yelled
"Now they're imitating Team Rocket" Keldeo muttered, "Actually, a Team Rocket Motto parody might actually make this fanfic a bit more tolerable."
"But she loves you, isn't that what matters?" Blossom asked
"Yeah but I don't..."
"Boy, you don't get do ya..." Lily said
Lily
Figaro, your average calico cat!
Figaro, he's small enough to fit in your hat.
Keldeo blinked. "Hello! . . . Song?! . . . Yeah, apparently there's a random song in this story . . . Is it a funny song?"
His brain is as small as he is too.
Doesn't know what true love do
"No. No it isn't."
Pumpkin
It's the thought that counts
(Every Pet Knows It)
She shows she cares
Who cares is if she's a rat who owns a cat
She loves you True
(Yeah She do!)
"Oh, this must be that missing Frozen song, Do You Want to Give People Migraines?"
Beauty
Ever since you were an infant and she was a mouseling you were close like honey and glue!
Berry
Blah Blah Bibidi Bobbidy Boo!
"This is awful," Keldeo said flatly, "I haven't read lyrics so awful since I stumbled upon The Lair of Voltaire on YouTube!"
Every Pet except for Sultan who thought it was to girly
It the thought that counts! Everybody know She loves you and you love her too!
"Why are words being left out of the ends of sentences?" Keldeo asked desperately.
Blossom: Come on Sultan
Sultan: No way!
Blossom: Please
Sultan: Fine
It's the thought that counts!
"Blossom is such a hypocrite! She didn't say the totally awesome catchphrase, so how come she's making Sultan sing this terrible song?" Keldeo's eyes widened. "Wait. . . Why do I even care! Am I turning into a lunatic!?"
"Well I never thought of it that way," Figaro said. He looked at Burn and Sizzle. "Burn, Sizzle, I want you to know that I really, really, really, don't like you so I'll say I hate you in 1% like way and I don't know why," Figaro said
Keldeo said in a deadpan tone, "Yeah, that totally wasn't stolen from Fluttershy in Hearthswarming Eve!"
"Sure Cow,"
"Go and join your herd,"
"Oh my gosh, the villains don't even do anything, are you for real!?" Keldeo exclaimed, "Where's the climax!?"
"Shut Up! I've been too nice this episode and I don't want this to be a catchphrase for the dragon's sake!" Blossom said then blushing for what she said. "Sorry," she said in her innocent way. Everybody smiled at her. "Thanks for shutting them up," Teacup said
Keldeo grinned falsely, "Oh, I'm sorry, so that was the climax. Blossom, the sweet innocent baby panda, gets angry, breaks the fourth wall, and makes a euphemism for the Devil. I'm sorry, but Penny Ling from Littlest Pet Shop did this kind of thing much better when she ripped that chair in half in Mean Isn't Your Color. I mean, maybe if Blossom had a fight with Burn and Sizzle and beat them up and sent them packing, that might have actually been a little funny."
Keldeo pulled a wry face a shrugged, "Ehhhh. . . .But this?"
Keldeo stomped and said, "Dragonshy had a better climax than this!"
"Yeah! Adventure complete!" Pumpkin said!
That it!
"Wow, and that was the end. Pumpkin says something that sounds like something you'd hear after you finish a level in a Sonic the Hedgehog or Pokemon Mystery Dungeon game, and then the author can't even spell 'that's it' correctly. Gosh, this fanfic was awful."
Keldeo thought for a moment, and then said, "But you know, I can't honestly say it's the worst fanfic ever. I mean, I have read worse. Goodbye Pikachu, I'll Miss You was way worse than this fanfic. So yeah, this fanfic was a bad take on a series that was bad to start with, and that's pretty much it. So sorry Matthais, but this is not the worst fanfic ever."
"I'm Keldeo the Critic and I review it so-"
Suddenly, whispering came from the side. Keldeo raised his ear to listen and his eyes widened, "What do you mean there's another chapter?! Oh, biscuits!"
Keldeo sighed, "Alright fine, let's review chapter two. It can't be that much worse, anyway."
"I Pumpkin, declare Berry's Berrytastic Smoothie Stand Open!" Pumpkin smiled and broke the bottle she was holding in her paws.
"Really? That's the premise? A smoothie stand? How do animals make a smoothie stand anyway? What does this stand look like? What's it made of? Where are they getting their ingredients from? Where is this stand located? Who are they selling smoothies to? Humans? Other animals? How are they making the smoothies? Why isn't the author telling us anything?!"
She likes breaking expensive bottles and making the French chef mad.
GLaDOS: "You're not a good person. You know that, right?"
"And the chef has a name, you know. His name is Louis," Keldeo commented, "You know, the one from the Little Mermaid? . . . That is the chef we're talking about here, right?"
All the pets cheered even Sultan. Blossom cheered the loudest; Sultan was right next to her… he could hear her high pitched voice in his sensitive ear. Sultan got a bit annoyed and hitched a plan. Blossom is always cheerful and filled with enthusiastic energy. She wasn't as smart as her owner… it's just that she's too nice… and gullible. All the pets ran well except for Beauty. She walked… but wasn't last… weird.
"So she's a fast walker, why did you feel the need to bring that up? You're making this way more confusing than it needs to be!"
"Hey um, Blossom," Sultan said. Blossom got her attention to him.
"I think some of the pets here don't like you," he whispered in her ear.
"Oh, that's nice. So Sultan is the villain now. That's just wonderful. Sure, I'm not a fan of these stupid Palace Pets, but I'm pretty sure Sultan is not supposed to be an evil jerk to his friends, considering this is a franchise for little girls. It's like watching the Evil!Robin in Teen Titan's GO!"
Blossom was shocked… "Who is it Little Brother?" she gasped.
Keldeo looked as if his mind were just blown, "Wow! So Mulan's original pet dog actually exists in this world! But then you realize even more how stupid this all is when you put the normal looking Little Brother against any of these horribly designed Palace Pets. Go ahead! Google the images! Compare Blossom with Little Brother! Yeah, it looks pretty bad!"
"No, everybody actually… sorry to break it you but I think I'm the only one who…likes you," Sultan said trembling saying "likes you" to Blossom. "What about Treasure and Berry? They're my best friends," she mentioned.
"Well, there's always a reason why somebody dislikes another, why do they dislike me? I'm nice to them and I'm not a bully," Blossom pouted.
Keldeo narrowed his eyes and said angrily, "Let me fix this."
"No, everybody actually… sorry to break it you but I think I'm the only one who…likes you," Sultan said, his voice trembling as he said"likes you" to Blossom.
"What about Treasure and Berry? They're my best friends," she mentioned.
"Well, there's always a reason why somebody dislikes another," Sultan said.
"But why do they dislike me? I'm nice to them and I'm not a bully," Blossom pouted.
"CHECK! YOUR! WORK!" Keldeo shouted at the top of his lungs.
This is too easy he thought. "Okay, well they think your too cheerful, too nice, and unsafe and a trickster possibly," he whispered.
"Then why do they hang out with me in the first place?" Blossom asked. "Well Blossom, it's because if they say you don't like them, then you'll cry and tell Mulan and they'll all get in trouble,"
Blossom almost felt like crying… Sultan's heart was beating fast…Is he really taking advantage of this small cub and her energy? Once she finds out, all the pets won't even look at him!
MysteriousMrEnter: "What I am doing is wrong. I know it is wrong. But I'm gonna do it anyway."
"Seriously, what was the author thinking when he wrote this? So Sultan feels bad about doing this, but is still doing this, even though I assume they're all supposed to be friends- ugh! It makes no sense! At least when Rarity lies to and was mean to her friends in Sweet and Elite and Rarity Takes Manehatten she had good intentions and an understandable motivation for what she did, not to mention she was stressed out, and her actions didn't actually hurt anyone directly."
"Why is Sultan even doing this anyway? Because Blossom is loud and annoying? Oh, come on! Do I have to play the Regular Show clip with the Urge's evil plan again?"
"I won't be nice anymore," Blossom promised with her paw on her heart. Sultan smiled… Blossom got out of line just to cut in front of the first pet, which was Pumpkin. "Hey! People don't cut in line here! This is a no cut zone!" Berry growled.
"I don't see any sign," Blossom smiled… a mean smile… that nobody liked. "Now give me six smoothies! Pronto, oh and give me all your bamboo too," Blossom snapped… she actually snapped… her paws.
"Oh, biscuits, no. Now we're ripping off Putting Your Hoof Down, or at the very least the 'nice character becomes mean' plot. And why is Sultan happy about this? Why does he want her to be mean? Wouldn't being mean make her even more loud and annoying? Why does nothing make sense in this story?!"
Keldeo starting pacing around his rock while saying, "Okay, and I know what are of you are probably thinking about typing. You all want to say to me:"
Keldeo stopped pacing and flailed his fore hooves around as if he were typing on a keyboard, "'Oh, but Keldeo, Matthais obviously picked a fanfic for a franchise clearly made for little girls, so why are you even complaining about it?'"
Keldeo stomped his hooves and said, "Yes, but you know what? That's no excuse! When someone who is not a little kid goes to the trouble of writing a FanFic for a franchise for little kids, they are expected to take the source material and improve it in a such a way that their age group can enjoy it. One fanfic writer named HavocHound has written some awesome FanFiction for the Nick Jr. show PAW Patrol that I can honestly say are masterpieces!"
Marshall Gone Missing
My Adaptation of Pups Save a Friend, in this case the other pups do insult Marshall and he runs away. Upon learning this, the pups try to get him back to apologize while remembering all the times Marshall has been there for them. Meanwhile, Marshall tries to make it to Jake's mountain but face dangers along the way.
Zuma's Fear
Out of all the pups in Paw Patrol, Zuma seems to be the most fearless of them all. Nobody really knows what he is afraid of and most of the time he seems cool and relaxed. But the truth is Zuma has a fear, one that is tied to a dark past that is filled with nothing but terror. And that terror is making its way to Adventure Bay.
Farewell Marshall
A strange teenager has come to the lookout seeking Marshall. Who is he and why does he want to meet Marshall? The revelation will shock the pups and change Paw Patrol forever.
"And what's more, there's a DeviantArtist named ElijahAcquah who thought up of ways to make the Palace Pets more interesting characters."
ElijahAcquah Nov 28, 2014 Hobbyist Writer
These pets are so dull! I may find them cute, but I also find them to be unnecessary. And y'know, I can make a few of them much more interesting.
Sultan:
This small, heroic tiger has a largely brave heart and never turns away from danger. As the nephew of Rajah, he would always keep an eye out for the sake of Jasmine.
Pumpkin:
Pumpkin has often been a work puppy for her Persian cat stepmother and stepsisters. Cinderella found this poor puppy in tears, who looked scruffy and cried because she was rejected to go the royal ball. Cinderella made it up to Pumpkin by rewarding her for her hard work. The now pampered puppy can dress in style and twirl with her new friend.
Beauty:
This cute cat was cursed to sleep for all of an eternity, thanks to an evil, dark Doberman. Fortunately, she was awaken with true love by her new princess companion, Aurora.
"But this awful story that this Dark Santa person wrote is just insulting! For Disney to create such a horrible franchise made only to rip off of two already existing successful franchises with horribly designed characters made to pander to girls who are supposed to like cute brightly colored things, and then for some person to write a horrible fanfic that makes all the characters either dumb, weird, jerks, or all three at once make me think that this fanfic is actually evil incarnate into a Fanfiction story!"
"And add into the equation that the author has one of those evil Chain Letter Curses on the author's page further support my point that this person is evil incarnate. I'm not even joking!"
Keldeo turned into his Resolute Form and got into a battle stance. "And knowing how horrible stories like these work, I can only assume that it's gonna get worse and worse, so let's dive right back in and get it over with."
"Hey don't be such a meanie Blossom or else!" Beauty said… then Blossom noticed that the stand was made of Bamboo. "Hey! You stole my bamboo!" she yelled.
"Oh, so now Berry's a thief," Keldeo said as he tossed his head in disbeleif, "Great. You know what? I just gave up! I mean, now we can't sympathize with any of these stupid pets!"
Sultan didn't want that to happen… he was just hoping for a day of silence from Blossom, not like Berry is less annoying. It's just that Blossom will eventually succeed while Berry won't.
"How is making someone act mean gonna make them be quiet? Aren't nice people generally more quiet than mean people? Uh, here's an idea, you selfish idiot. Why didn't you just ask Blossom to be quiet?! It would have certainly been a lot less convoluted! Or even better, why didn't you just leave . . . from wherever this story takes place, I'm not even sure where we are right now."
"And that's another thing, where are we? We have animals making a smoothie stand. Okay, so where in the Disney Universe is that normal? And yes, believe it or not, most of the fantasy worlds in the Disney Universe would still actually find that out of place. Are we still in Toon Town? That's the only place I can think of where animals can sell smoothies. But who are they selling them too? Each other? What's the point?"
"Well, It was leftovers… so I decided to borrow since it looked like you weren't using them," she smiled… it was trembling as she saw the panda glare at her and gritting her teeth.
"And would you believe the stolen bamboo is never brought up again? Ever!?"
Slappy Squirrel: "That was pointless."
Always give a smile to the customer she thought and gave her a smoothie; it was green with a piece of bamboo. "What I didn't even order a Bamboo Deluxe! What kind of service is this? An orphanage?" she asked.
Keldeo just stood there in shock.
"I . . . don't even know how to respond to that . . . I mean, I thought about doing a Scootaloo joke, but I don't wanna support the whole 'Scootaloo's an orphan' rumor."
She rolled her eyes, "Though… I suppose this will do… I prefer a Bamboo Shake but whatever," Blossom said.
"Is there a smoothie that boosts your brain so you can write a Wormadam FanFic, because that's the one we Wormadam need," Keldeo said angrily.
"Also give me a…" she then yelled to Sultan.
"Hey Sultan what do you want?"
"Do Blossom and Sultan have some kind of a romance going on or something?"
Pumpkin was feeling a bit concerned and crossed at the same time. She didn't want to release her hot tempered self. Still though, she hates it when people pick on her friends. What are even worse are her friends picking on each other. Though that was usually Sultan but nobody minded because that's the way he was, and Sultan was pretty nice… pretty.
"So, when you say 'pretty', you mean 'a little bit,' right? Well anyway, why is Sultan the bully in this world? Is it because he's the only male amid a female cast, which means he just has to be the mean, grouchy, angry, rude one? That's a little sexist, don't you think?"
"Blossom; I don't like your behavior! Say sorry to Berry this instant or else!" she snapped. Blossom said, "Or else what? Pumpkin… you think you're so great… well you're just a bossy pants!" she yelled.
"I thought Blossom wanted everyone to like her? Has she lost her mind? Or maybe she never had a mind of her own to begin with?"
"Bossy Pants?" she asked… a little hurt, "I'm not bossy," she said and sniffed… and went in small slide. "Darling, what did you just say to my best friend?" Beauty asked… Pumpkin and Beauty were best friends since they first met, and Beauty won't hesitate to stand up for her. "Oh be quiet, Beauty, you think you're so beautiful well we're all pretty too, oh and I think you're wearing fake eyelashes," she said. "Ugh… how rude," Beauty yelled.
"Oh gosh, New!Fluttershy insulting Pinkie Pie and Rarity made more sense than this!"
Keldeo put a hoof to his forehead and said somberly, "And dare I say it, and I can't believe I actually went to the effort to learn enough to be able to say this, but. . . Beauty is actually out of character here! Beauty likes to sleep. She's always asleep! So . . . she's pretty much like a real life cat actually, but technically the only dialogue she should have in this story are snores."
Sultan felt a bit guilty… "Come on Sultan! Don't keep me waiting!" she yelled and Sultan stuttered… All the other by standing pets looked at the nervous tiger. "Uh… water… just water please," he says. Blossom glared at Berry again… "You heard him! Give me water!" she yelled.
Berry gave her the water… and Blossom walked away and grabbed Sultan's tail… and took him to the beanies…Berry hid under her stand and put down a sign 'Closed' all the pets were groaning… not one of them got a drink. Blossom sat down on one of the taking the Purple and her putting Sultan on the orange. "So, Sultan, how do you like the new me?" she giggled. Sultan looked unsure. "I didn't see them happy though and you did make Pumpkin cry," Sultan remarked…
"Well, what am I supposed to do?" Blossom asked and started crying…
"You were just giggling 5 seconds ago! What, do you have mood swings or something? Did the Keldeo from Gates to Infinity really inspire you that much?" Keldeo asked incredulously.
Sultan rolled his eyes… a puppy crying, a bunny crying and now a panda cub crying. "Well, I meant to be more quiet… be silent as a fish," Sultan said.
Keldeo tilted his head in confusion. "Silent as a fish? That's an. . . odd choice of words. . . It almost sounds like a really forced attempt to segue-."
Treasure suddenly went to Sultan… "Did somebody say fish?" she asked…
"GOSH!" Keldeo shouted in a repulsion.
"I love fish but Ariel wouldn't let me eat them which break my fish-obsessed heart! That's why I trained myself to swim," Treasure explained.
Keldeo swung his Scared Sword at the rock platform, making a long slice into it. "NO! you can't be that stupid! I don't believe it! You just literally explained why a mermaid owning a pet cat can't work! And why is Treasure just randomly giving out exposition? Is that supposed to be funny?"
"Ok… "Sultan said a bit annoyed out. Honestly everyone here is nearly annoying! he thought
"NO SHIP, SHERLOCK!" the Intoxiquer said.
Keldeo sighed, "Well, after that, we get scenes that have no point whatsoever. Seriously. Teacup balances teacups on her nose and Pumpkin just . . . cries some more . . . yeah . . . um . . . oh look! The Cutie Marked Crusaders are here to solve the friendship problem and write a letter about it to Celestia or Mickey or something. I'm hoping that they turn Sultan to stone or something."
It was Bayou with all her pony friends. When Pumpkin saw Bibbidy she heard bells light up in her heart. Bibbidy was a mother figure for her so as the other pets with the ponies… though everyday they have training and miss half of their adventures. They come when training ends or before training… sometimes the pets gets to race them. The ponies always love some competition… they train with Maximus and the other horses. They get special training though with Maximus sometimes.
Keldeo blinked. "Wait, what did that last line say?"
They get special training though with Maximus sometimes.
Yakko: (Blows a kiss) "Mwah! Goodnight, everybody!"
"I'mKeldeotheCriticaandIreviewitsoyoudon'thavetoo!" Keldeo said quickly and he used Hydro Pump to fly away.
THE END
Credits
Palace Pets by Disney
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic by Hasbro
Littlest Pet Shop by Hasbro
"Okay, fine! I'll keep going!" Keldeo said as he marched back onto the rock platform.
"That was a quite a bust there Bayou," said Blondie and she smiled.
(Wakko plays a rimshot on the drums)
Skippy: "Goodnight, everybody!"
"Oh, you gotta be kidding me! Two innuendos in a row?! It just blows my mind! I just hope Maximus never sees this, or someone is gonna get a sword to the knee and a frying pan to the face!" Keldeo said.
Bloom scoffed at them, "You girls rarely spend time on your appearance… does only I and Bloom care?" she asked.
"Well I care I suppose. When I'm at a ball or something," Bayou said. The pets watch their adult conversation silently. One thing they've learn is to never interrupt. That is what their trainers teach them… they just train them normal tricks except Teacup. She's a fast learner so Belle decided to do something more advanced-
"EX - PO-" Munna began.
"NO! We are not gonna sing the Exposition Song here because the information being explained to us has no bearing on the story whatsoever!" Keldeo said assertively.
"Humph! You're no fun!" Munna pouted as she floated away.
Bibbidy noticed Pumpkin's crying… so did Goldie and Bloom. "Why are you crying dear?" she asked and nudged the white retriever. "Nothing… really, it's no big deal… and I don't want to tell you!" she said but then snapped in her last sentence. Bibbidy was shocked.
"And so am I! What happened to this scene?"
When Pumpkin saw Bibbidy she heard bells light up in her heart. Bibbidy was a mother figure for her
"If that's true, then shouldn't she be asking her for help or something? What was the point of giving us the bit of information if you're just gonna go against it. You should've have just left it out if you weren't going to follow it. Or maybe Dark Santa just forget about writing it and didn't bother to double check it before publishing it."
Keldeo chuckled madly and said, "And hey, check this next line out. Let me know if you see anything wrong with it."
Bibbidy comforted her. "If you won't tell me what's wrong then fine! I'm not going to tell you," Bibbidy responded turning her back on her.
". . . So . . . one second she's comforting her . . . and the next minute she's yelling at her and turning her back on her . . ."
Keldeo covered his face with his fore-hooves, laughed into his hooves for a bit, and then came back up for air and said with a smile, "This has to be the most laziestly written fanfic I have ever read!"
"Tell me what?" Pumpkin asked, "Nope; Zip, I was supposed to tell you but I suppose it's no big deal, speaking of which… Bloom and Goldie," she said, "When you tell Summer and Beauty the news don't let Pumpkin hear it," she said…
"Ha! Dogs have sensitive hearing!" Pumpkin said with a devious look in her blue eyes… "Then I suppose you can't tell them now, sorry girls," Bibbidy said and trotted away she giggled because not because of her crying but Pumpkin's reaction.
"Aaaaaaand let's add Bibbidy to the extra long and ever growing list of contemptible jerk characters in this story. Seriously, I'm not sure if 'losers' is a strong enough word for these characters anymore," Keldeo said with an angry smile.
"And I know what you're thinking, 'she's just trying to persuade Pumpkin into telling her what's wrong because she cares about her.' Well, okay, maybe, but does she have to be such a cocky jerk about it? Look at her! She's like, 'I know something you don't know! Teeh-hee-hee! You're all dopes and suckers!'"
Keldeo thought for a moment, and he said, "Not that they aren't all dopes and suckers, I mean, they are..."
Summer and Beauty looked at their feet a bit disappointed. "Can you please tell her?" Summer blurted.
Abridged!Noah: "Initiate *****slap subroutine!"
Virtual Kaiba: "Subroutine initiated."
Beauty smacked her head. "No Summer! She's not going to tell,"
"What if it was a ball and we didn't know and looked ugly!" asked Summer to Beauty. "Now I can't afford to look ugly!" Beauty said and begged to Pumpkin.
"Too late for that, in my opinion," Keldeo said grumpily, "But on the other hand, if I were a stupid infant girl that didn't know any better, I'd be wondering how any of these characters could possibly look ugly. I mean, one of them is named Beauty!"
"Please! I need to know!" Beauty and Summer cried. Then they used puppy… I mean kitty eyes on her. "Mew!" mewed Summer and a tear came off of their eyes.
Keldeo tossed up his forehooves. "Dreamworks' Puss In Boots! Another franchise I'd rather be watching right now! Thanks a lot Dark Santa, you're just making this even harder for me!"
"Curses!" she yelled and went to Bibbidy she tapped her leg as she was speaking to Petit and Bayou while Teacup and Lily spoke about
Keldeo blinked. "Yes . . . about what? . . . Aren't you gonna finish that sentence. . . ? . . .Oh, I see how it is. You're not gonna tell me? Well the joke's on you, because I don't care!"
"I was sad because Blossom called me a bossy pants," said Pumpkin and she was about to cry again. "Bossy Pants? Did that really make you cry?" Bibbidy asked. Pumpkin nodded then sniffed. "Pumpkin baby, you're one of the strongest puppies I know, and you're considered a leader to all these pets! I'm proud to say that we have the same owner, but when being leader you'll have to risk being called bossy or bossy pants." Pumpkin wiped her tears.
Keldeo pulled a wry face. "Was that supposed to be some kind of moral? Come on, even the moral of Feeling Pinkie Keen was better than that! Even the moral of The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy was better than that!"
Applejack: "I didn't learn anything! I was right all along!"
"Well, whatever, at least now we can hear what this mysterious news is."
Blossom and Sultan watched Berry hide inside her stand watching her throw her plastic cups with a teensy bit of fruit punch in it.
"Oh, I'm sorry. We have to deal with these two losers first."
"I didn't say you had to be mean, what I was trying to say is they think you're annoying. You're kind of making it worse… you should probably say sorry," Sultan said…
"She should say she's sorry?!" Keldeo exclaimed, "The whole thing was your fault, you cruel piece of garbage, you're the one who needs to apologize. And why are you still keeping up this lie that no one likes her, haven't you realized that you've done enough damage?"
"Oh Sultan, I already made one of my best friends cry!" Blossom said holding his paws. "I don't know how I can ever make any friends again and what if Mulan finds out?" asked the Panda now having tears in her eyes. Sultan felt really guilty.
Keldeo smiled, "Alright. Good. So he's finally gonna admit that he lied to her so all this can finally-"
He'd better admit yet no palace pet would ever forgive him.
"I know and don't forget Berry was never your friend," Sultan said…
Keldeo banged his head on the ground.
"Why are you keeping it up? What could you possibly have to gain from all this? What is your evil motivation? How far are you willing to go? If your reasoning is that 'no one will ever forgive me if they find out what I've done' then why don't you just stop right now and let it die out quietly? Or why don't you just tell Blossom to go back to her normal self and see what happens? And why is Blossom so stupid that she's buying into Sultan's lies so easily? AND WHY IS SULTAN A VILLAIN ANYWAY!?"
"What about Treasure… who gave me her shell?"
Music came up as the oblivious pets sang…
Keldeo's eyes grew wide with panic, "Oh no, please not another one, Dark Santa! I'll do anything for you! I'll review your Pokemon fanfics, I'll give you fresh berries, I'll go find Mega Stones for you, just please not another one!"
Sultan: She was never your friend, just wanted to make you happy for your sake… make you feel as an equal
"WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!" Keldeo screamed.
Blossom: What about Teacup, and Lily, and Pumpkin too they performed on my birthday and when I had a cold… when I couldn't go to the rollercoaster and performed all the songs, dances, and tricks that I know.
"These songs are horrible!" Keldeo exclaimed, "Not only is the wording weird, but the way the lyrics are written makes it impossible to determine the beat, rhythm, verses, choruses, or anything else!"
Sultan: They just like to preform those three would get a gig of anywhere… too the fanciest of ball to a house of dolls… they were never your friends!
Blossom: I feel stupid wait that's a bad word, I feel dumb, and yeah that's the word does any pet will give me the love I want… I want to go back to China with all my panda friends… where this trouble ends… but I'm just glad that you admit and that's sweet!
Keldeo calmed down and said thoughtfully, "But you know what, maybe I'm not being fair here. Maybe the song will look better if I organize it a bit."
Sultan:
She was never your friend, just wanted to make you happy for your sake…
make you feel as an equal
Blossom:
What about Teacup, and Lily, and Pumpkin too they performed on my birthday and when I had a cold…
when I couldn't go to the rollercoaster and performed all the songs, dances, and tricks that I know.
Sultan:
They just like to preform those three would get a gig of anywhere…
too the fanciest of ball to a house of dolls…
they were never your friends!
Blossom:
I feel stupid wait that's a bad word, I feel dumb, and yeah that's the word does any pet will give me the love I want…
I want to go back to China with all my panda friends…
where this trouble ends…
but I'm just glad that you admit and that's sweet!
"O-kay. . . well, it's a Villain Song where Sultan is trying to convince Blossom that she doesn't have any friends . . . but then Blossom brings up all the nice things they've done for her, and Sultan just dismisses all of it-AND BLOSSOM BELIEVES HIM!? How stupid is this panda? That's like saying:"
Meowth: "Hey Pikachu! Ash hates you, so you should join Team Rocket!"
Pikachu: "(Okay!)"
Ash: "Pikachu, where are you going!?"
Pikachu: "(Stay away from me! You hate me!)"
"And about the song itself. It doesn't flow, it doesn't really rhyme, there's no hint of any kind of pattern, and I can't even tell what kind of musical style it's supposed to be in. Yeah, one of the great Villain Songs of Disney! Poor Unfortunate Souls, Be Prepared, Friends on the Other Side, Sultan Plays Blossom Like a Sucker. Of course, naturally, that makes perfect sense!"
Portal 2 Announcer: "Sarcasm Self Test Complete."
"And it just boggles the mind how Blossom is so stupid that she's believing all the nasty things Sultan is saying and ends the song by saying that it's sweet of him to say all that. No wonder panda bears are an endangered species if they're all as stupid as this one. Oh wait, wait, I can't say stupid! Stupid is a bad word! Now dumb! That's a nice word! Yeah, it sure is! It certainly is!"
Keldeo sprayed water at his face from his left fore hoof and shook it off. He took a deep breath and said, "Okay, okay. I think I'm better now. It's just . . . wow. . . this FanFic is gonna kill me. . ."
The song ended with Blossom giving him a peck on the cheek.
"Oh, so they DO have a romance going on! What, was this his plan all along? Get Blossom to burn her bridges with everyone except him? Well that doesn't make sense, because he's the only guy here. We started this whole plot out with Sultan wanting Blossom to be quiet and stop annoying him. How the hay did we get to this point? It's like we've entered the Twilight Zone, and then entered the Matirx while still inside of the Twilight Zone, and then entered Wonderland inside of the Matrix inside of the Twilight Zone!"
Sultan blushed and flustered up his face. "You welcome… Blossom," Sultan nodded and ran out of the palace pets' room he ran through the castle crying. He didn't know what he was thinking… Blossom will probably beat the meow out of him once she finds out the truth.
Keldeo squeezed his head with his fore hooves. "Really? You sing a whole Villain Song to convince her that she has no friends, and then regret it right afterwards? If you're gonna be a Disney Villain at least stick with it till your inevitable Disney Villain Death! Imagine if other villains did that?"
"BE PREPARED!" Scar sang, and he laughed villainous as all the hyenas joined him.
Suddenly, he took in a sharp breath and his eyes widened and filled with tears. "Wait a moment, what am I doing?! I'm plotting to kill my brother and my cute little nephew! I'm a monster!"
Scar then burst into tears.
Along with the rest of the hyenas; Shenzi, Banzai, and Ed stared at Scar in shock.
"I guess next we're gonna get our own movie," Banzai said incredulously.
Shenzi slapped him in the back of the head and said, "Shut-up, idiot! That's like Timon and Pumba getting their own movie!"
Ed just sobbed.
"What?" Shenzi asked obliviously.
He had to find Jasmine, Sofia, Raja, or Aladdin for comfort. He went to find Jasmine's room… he went to the guards guarding the room.
He mewed and the guards opened the doors. Sultan found Jasmine with a disguise. "Hello Sultan!" Jasmine smiled cheesy. Sultan purred at Jasmine's leg. He then noticed Jasmine wearing the ugliest clothes…
Keldeo's eyes widened and he backed away slightly. "What the biscuit?"
"CALLED IT!" Munna shouted as she flew by again.
being royalty and not quite remembering his old life as a loner; he was used to silky pants, belly shirts, and dresses. He raised his eyebrow… "Shh… don't tell anyone," Jasmine said and jumped out the window… "Okay that was weird… hey this must be my solution! Never Run Away from your Problems!" Sultan roared… "Good cub!" she yelled and the voice got more and more distant, He then heard a loud thud. He looked out the window still and saw a carriage with Jasmine covered in flower with brown eyes sticking out.
Sultan smiled… "Wow… Jasmine is such a terrible influence!" Sultan mewed to himself and ran out the door.
Keldeo looked on in utter shock. "What the hay was that? Why was she dressed like that? I'd bet her adventure is way more interesting than the stupid talking tiger and panda. The author could have even combined the two story lines together somehow. But nope! Instead, we get a random Noodle Incident that makes no sense! Go ahead Slappy!"
Slappy Squirrel: "That was pointless."
"And how exactly did seeing Jasmine in a crazy disguise and jumping out the window teach Sultan the lesson! And I thought the moral Pumpkin learned was poorly done! This takes the cake! It's like the story finds new ways to get worse and worse as it goes along! Like, it constantly tries to outdo itself in horribleness! It's like an SCP! The more you read, the worse the story gets!"
Item #: SCP-XXX
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: Item SCP-XXX is to be kept in a flash drive sealed in a 1 cubic foot lead container locked in a vault at [REDACTED].
Description: THE WORST FANFIC EVER! It gets worse and worse the longer it is read by the reader.
Racing to the palace pet room he burst through the door which surprised everyone. "Sultan there's something wrong with Blossom! Can you help us?" asked Pumpkin with the ponies looking at her with worry. "She hasn't been talking since you left!"
Sultan lowered his eyebrows…
Jasmine is an awesome influence… now I know why she's a princess… wait that was Aladdin's movie. Oh Disney, help me
"Get it! He just said the opposite of what he just said earlier. It's a joke! Why aren't you laughing! It's funny!" Keldeo shouted with a fake smile.
Portal 2 Announcer: "Sarcasm Self Test Complete."
"Guys… I have to tell you something…" Sultan sighed…
Keldeo suddenly became a bit more invested. "Well, the only thing we can hope is that all that waste of time, all that lack of character, all that mean behavior at least have been building up for one heck of a confrontation."
The time passed by with Sultan explaining the story and Sultan and Blossom giving apologies to the pets. The ponies smiled as the pets learned their lesson.
"Have you heard… of Ariel's new horse?" asked Bibbidy to Goldie. "Really… is she here…" Goldie said then started asking.
"She's just settling in Ariel's castle," Bibbidy said… "Yay, more trainees to train with… being a guard horse is hard!" Bayou groaned…
Blossom giggled as she burst into song and all the other pets… oblivious.
Although you lied and made me lose my smile and made most of my fun end… I'm so glad you admit and that's… kind of sweet!
Keldeo's jaw dropped. "You're kidding me. You're Wormadam kidding me. That was the end of the story?! THAT WAS THE END OF THE STORY?! THAT-?!"
Keldeo stopped yelling and tried to calm down a bit. Then he continued, "Did you. . . re-read the first 80 percent of thus fanfic that you apparently wrote? Did you just forget what you wrote? D-Did you even take a second glance at it before slapped on this lazy ending? Do you even recall the discord and disharmony that piece of tiger trash spread? He makes Scar look like a nice guy! You can't have him do all that bad stuff and then resolve everything offscreen! So Sultan can just be a complete monster, but if he says he says he's sorry it's all good? What kind of lesson is that? We should've seen Sultan express how sorry he was in words, how bad he felt, how guilty he feels, how he desperately wants to still be friends with everybody and how he'll put his heart and soul into becoming kinder and will do anything to earn his friends' forgiveness. But nope! Instead we get a vague apology that's way too easily accepted, the random piece of news that does not affect the story, and a stupid reprisal of the most poorly written song ever! And 'kind of sweet'? Are you kidding me! That jerk isn't sweet. He's not kind of sweet! He's a monster!"
Keldeo buried his face in his hooves, and then sighed and said somberly, "Dark Santa . . . I'm not angry. Actually, yes, I am, I'm furious, but there's something I'm even more, and that's disappointed. I'm disappointed in you, Dark Santa. Do you know why? Well, it's because, when I first discovered these Palace Pets not too long ago, when I saw what they looked like, when I skimmed their DisneyWiki page, my first thoughts were not disgust, or anger, or hatred. . . My first thoughts were curiosity and hopefulness. Hasbro took two of the most girliest franchises of that ever existed, My Little Pony and Littlest Pet Shop, and made them good. Nick Jr took the concept of puppies that rescue people and made it good. There are whole fansites devoted to these franchises now. So, I thought maybe these Palace Pets might turn out to be better than you'd first think. But that got shot down when I discovered Disney wasn't even gonna try to write a TV show for them and was just gonna unload toys, cheap games, and picture books about them."
"So then I figured maybe someone would write fanfiction about them. And all I can say is I am glad I didn't find this horrible fanfic myself, because my hopes would have been crushed if I had gone into this expecting something as well written as Friendship is Magic."
"This fanfic is the absolute worst! The character are either dumb, jerks, evil, or so shallow that they barely exist! The grammar and writing are so bad it's not even funny! Sentences are pushed together, words are missing, it's a nightmare! And stories don't even have proper climaxes, resolutions, or endings. This fanfic is an utter mess. I know I said Vegeta in Jubilife was the worst fanfic ever, but no! The word needs to be said. Palace Pets by Dark Santa is the absolute worst fanfic ever!"
Keldeo help up a fore hoof and said, "Now, I know all of you are thinking of fanfics you've read that are worse than this. Like Goodbye Pikachu I'll Miss You by TheShinyEevee. Well, let me ask you something. Is the fanfic filled with horrible grammar? Does the fanfic have sex, drugs, gender swapping, violence, bestiality, disgusting moments, and other examples of filth and immorality in it? Sure, fanfics like Rainbow Factory, Cupcakes, and The Spiderses are obviously worse than Palace Pets. But that's because they're either made to troll the reader or are just morally wrong."
"The thing that makes Palace Pets so bad is that it is clean. it was actually written to be an actual story, but it is still bad. The fact that this story can be this bad without having anything offensive in it might even make this story even worse than the others I mentioned."
"It's like this: when Limburger cheese smells bad, that's good because it's supposed to smell bad. But when cheddar cheese smelled as bad as Limburger, then something is seriously wrong."
"Do not read this story! Read a Littlest Pet Shop fanfic. Seriously, there are a lot of good fanfics for that series that are way better than this."
"And that was my review of Palace Pets. I hope it was entertaining. At least then I'd know that some good came out of this travesty. . ." Keldeo pouted with a trembling lip. "At my expense!"
Keldeo sobbed and said, "I'm Keldeo the Critic. I review it so you don't have to!"
THE END
Credits
Palace Pets by Disney
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic by Hasbro
Littlest Pet Shop by Hasbro
The Animaniacs by Warner Brothers
Portal 2 by Valve
The Lion King
The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle
VeggieTales - Minnesota Cuke and the Search for Samson's Hairbrush
The Little Mermaid II: Return to the Sea
The Lion King 1 & 1/2
The SCP Foundation
THE WORST GAME EVER MADE - Caddicarus
Special Thanks
HavocHound on FanFic
ElijahAcquah on DeviantArt
TheMysteriousMrEnter on YouTube
Cinematic Excrement
Caddicarus
"OH, COME ON!" Shenzi shouted when she saw an ad for The Lion King 1 & 1/2.