Keldeo sat in the dark, the only light being that of the laptop screen he was staring into.
His eyes were wide as he stared at what was on the screen, and his breathing was heavy and labored.
"I think I've just discovered . . ." Keldeo finally said, ". . . My new favorite FanFiction author."
Keldeo ever so slowly turned his head to the side, and he said in a tone of voice just as slow and lethargic, "I . . . am so. . . very . . . very . . . sorry. . ."
Then a Golden Marshall animatronic appeared and attacked with a terrible roar.
Keldeo the Critic Reviews Zuma's Fear by HavocHound
Coming this November
Although the first part of the "Zuma's Fear" review was meant to be published on Halloween, it was not finished in time. So instead, please enjoy this special Halloween review of "Absol" by XXPhantomFangWolfXx.
A Cofagrigus suddenly opened its eyes and roared.
Let's Try to make it right
Don't wanna start a fight
Keldeo screamed reared up in terror before and falling backwards.
And we're so sorry if we give you all a little fright
Keldeo stood before the other Swords of Justice wearing his King Sombra costume.
We're not so scary if you see us in the daylight
Clemont shouted out in fear as he was hoisted off the ground by an unseen force.
You'll be so happy just as long as you survive the night.
A trio of evil Litwick grinned deviously with a Lampent behind them.
Let's Try to make it right
Don't wanna start a fight
A zombie Lucario revved up a chainsaw.
And we're so sorry if we give you all a little fright
Kyurem the Critic and Cryogonal the Critic both screamed in terror.
We're not so scary if you see us in the daylight
Cilan throws balls of fire while wearing a Yamask's mask.
You'll be so happy just as long as you survive the night.
Keldeo the Critic
Season 4 Episode 12: Absol byXXPhantomFangWolfXx
tinyurl: pctw3v5
Keldeo stood stall and proud, wearing the helmet and armor of Shining Armor.
"It's me! Keldeo the Critic! I review it so you don't have to!" Keldeo declared confidently, "Happy Halloween, everybody! Heh-heh, I hope your costumes are all better than mine. I had a little trouble thinking of one this year. This helmet doesn't make me look like Marvin the Martian does it?"
Keldeo shrugged and said, "Anyway, you all know that Kyurem the Critic is the place to go for creepypasta reviews. I don't review Pokemon creepypastas because, quite frankly, I kinda think they're stupid. I mean, seriously? A haunted video game? Not only would any normal person just turn the game off, but we're actually supposed to believe these crazy stories. If anything, that just makes them less creepy, because most creepypastas are so weird and over the top it completely overloads your suspension of disbelief. A good scary story should make you feel emotions without it requiring you to believe it really happened."
Keldeo grinned mischievously and said, "So, how about we check out a scary story from within the Pokemon world. A story that's technically in the style of a creepypasta, with a first person narrator who's name we never know. But, the story is really more in the league of a Pokemon fanfic, and not about a real person who found a haunted game. This allows things to get scary without raising too many questions on its plausibility and possibility."
Keldeo's grin turned into a sheepish smile, "Also, this should allow me to review this story without getting Kyurem the Critic mad at me. The Pokemon world already has a ton of Fridge Horror. So, how about we check what got pushed to the back of the fridge, and review the story written by XXPhantomFangWolfXx, Absol."
I hate Absol. Hate them with a passion. Not because of what they are, but what they stand for.
"That is very understandable, given their ability to predict natural disasters. However, this doesn't seem very scary. Can the author up the ante a little bit?"
My whole life, I've been seeing them. It, rather. It's actually just one. Every time I see it, someone I care about dies.
Keldeo looked thrilled, "Okay, now things are getting interesting! We got the premise and the main threat all in one go. A psychotic killer Absol? This promises to be heart-pumping!"
I saw the Absol for the first time when I was only six years old. My mother and I were taking a walk in the woods near our house. It was a large forest, and it had all sorts of small Pokemon in it. Seedot, Oddish, Zigzagoon, Taillow, a few Poochyena and even the occasional Marill. I loved walking in those woods with my mother and seeing all the little creatures run about.
My mother always brought her Linoone, Breeze, to walk alongside us in case we were ever attacked, but we never were.
Breeze was a quiet, gentle creature, and very kind to me and my brother and sister. She never got upset when we spilled juice on her, or bit us when we might have pulled her fur by accident, she was always calm and relaxed.
"So, yeah, they're walking in the woods, and then the trouble begins."
That day, when we were walking through those woods, everything was still and quiet. We hadn't seen any of the usual Pokemon.
All of a sudden Breeze curled up into a tiny ball, and started growling and whimpering, pure fear shining in her bright blue eyes.
"What's wrong, Breeze?" my mother asked, trying to soothe the rattled Linoone.
I followed where Breeze's eyes were pointing, and it was then I saw it. Perched on a log, directly in the center of a sun-dappled clearing was an Absol. I didn't know what it was at the time. It looked lighter than air, like the slightest wind might blow it over. It was on its toes, ready to spring up and flee at any moment.
My mouth hung open in awe of the strange and beautiful creature. My mother didn't see it, she was too occupied with trying to pacify Breeze. I suddenly snapped out of my stupor.
"Mama! MAMA! A Pokemon! A big white one! Mama!" I hollered.
My mother sat up.
"Where?"
I turned around again, pointing a pudgy finger at the clearing.
"Right over…. There… Where did it go?"
The creature had gone. Breeze stood up again, barking at the spot where I had been pointing, before tearing off into the woods.
"BREEZE! NO! WAIT!" my mother cried, before sighing. The Linoone was gone.
"What did the Pokemon look like, Mickey?"
"It was big and white and fluffy, and it had big black claws, and a black tail, and a black horn on its head to match!"
My mother's hands flew to her mouth, and her eyes widened.
"Honey, that was an Absol. We have to get home and call your father."
"But Breeze-"
"No buts. Breeze is smart, she can find her own way home. We have to go. Now!"
"And so, who is the first victim? Breeze, right?" Keldeo asked.
"Mama? What happened to Daddy?"
My mother looked up, her eyes red, before hugging me and beginning to sob again. It was then I knew that my father was never coming back.
My father had been in Lilycove city, staying at the hotel there. He had been there to visit Mt. Pyre, and catch some Pokemon indigenous to that area, as well as check out the Safari zone. However, one night he decided to go for a cruise. The captain of the boat was drunk, and ran the ship up on the rocks. There were no survivors.
"Nope! What a twist! You'd expect Breeze to be the first one, seeing as, well, she's right there and she ran off into the dark forest! But nope, apparently this Absol's powers can reach miles and miles away. I guess this Absol doesn't believe in Occam's razor."
All we had to remember my father by was his Mightyena, Grimm,
"Wait, wait, wait. He named his Mightyena 'Grimm'?" Keldeo asked in disbelief, "No wonder he was the first to die! I mean, okay, not everyone has read Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, but I'm pretty sure most people are vaguely aware that that name is associated with death!"
"Well, anyway, it turns out it's not all bad, because our main character receives a special inheritance."
who he had left in his hotel room, and a gift that he been going to bring back for me. He had caught me my very own Pokemon. A beautiful female Vulpix he had captured on Mt. Pyre. I named her Foxfire.
It was amazing to finally have my own Pokemon. My brother, Alex, who was three years older than me, had his Electrike, Jolt. My sister, Eva, who was two years younger than me, had her Skitty, Blush. And now I finally had my own Pokemon, and I felt that in her, in my precious Foxfire, a tiny piece of my father lived on.
Keldeo frowned, "She's gonna be dead by the end of this, isn't she."
The second time I saw the Absol was two years later, when I was eight.
"Yeah, speaking of death, our main character is playing pirates when the Absol returns."
I was playing in the backyard with my sister, and our Pokemon. Our brother was in the front yard with his Manectric. He'd been asked to keep to the other side of the house because he was training his Pokemon, and Jolt was a good bit stronger than either of our Pokemon.
Straight ahead of me, not more than twenty feet away, was the Absol. It was the same one from all those years ago. I don't know how I knew, but I did. My Vulpix, noticing that I had stopped giving orders, looked up to see what it was that I was staring at. She saw it too.
The beast gave a low, guttural growl of its own name, and suddenly we heard a bloodcurdling scream from the front yard, accompanied by a shock of lighting. The Absol fled into the woods.
"Okay, now things are getting scary," Keldeo said uneasily as he looked around nervously, "That didn't really seem like much of a warning. The way its presented makes it kinda look like the Absol swore at him or something. What kind of Absol is this?"
Without missing a beat, I turned to my sister.
"EVA! Quickly, go get Mama! I'll check on Alex!"
She nodded dumbly, and ran inside the house. In seconds I was in the front yard, Foxfire at my side. The sight I was met with was a grim one. My brother was pinned under a fallen tree, screaming and trying to struggle away as Jolt vainly tried to lift the wooden colossus off of his broken body.
"Foxfire! Go help Jolt!" I cried.
She immediately obeyed, and I ran to my brother, to see if I could get him to calm down. As I was doing so, the efforts of my Vulpix and his Manectric were joined by the strength of Breeze and Grimm. (Yes, Breeze came home that night. She was injured and shaky, and almost fainted, but she was alive.)
"Wait, so did the Absol beat her up and not kill her for some reason, or did she just run into a bunch of other wild Pokemon?" Keldeo asked.
Apparently, while my brother had been training, he had failed to notice a lightning rod imbedded in one of the trees. One of Jolt's attacks had been pulled to it, and the old tree was too weak to remain standing, and fell on Alex.
"So, the brother dies from pretty much having all of his important bones crushed and snapped,"
Eight broken ribs, a fractured collarbone, his spine and neck were both badly cracked, and both of his legs and his hips were shattered.
Keldeo shuddered, "Gosh, the author sadistically describes those injuries. Although, this isn't really all that scary. It's more gross and disturbing than actually creepy. It's like saying jumpscares alone are horror. That's not true, because real horror is all about atmosphere and paranoia. you can't just throw horrible imagery or jumpscares at people and say it's horror."
I had lost my father, and then just two years later my beloved older brother was taken from me. I was there when he died. I stayed at his bedside until the very end. I can remember his last words.
"You know, it's sad, Mickey. I always thought I'd be a Gym Leader. "
For a long time, my mother, my sister, and my dear little Vulpix were my only comfort. I frequently cried myself to sleep holding Foxfire in my arms.
I decided to call that Absol Reaper. It seemed an appropriate name for a herald of death.
Keldeo facehoofed.
"Nice Job Breaking It, Hero. Naming it only encourages it. Now he has to come back!"
Mike Wazowski: "You'e not supposed to name it. Once you name it, you start getting attached to it! NOW PUT THAT THING BACK WHERE IT CAME FROM, OR SO HELP ME. . . !"
It was another year before Reaper brought his unwelcome presence back into my life. My sister had just left on the school bus. I wasn't going to school that day, I wasn't feeling well, but I can still remember the picture of her smiling and boarding that bus, her Skitty peeking out of her backpack.
I was watching the vehicle disappear down the road, waving all the way, and then suddenly Reaper was there. He sitting on a rock across the street, watching me. I blinked, my arm frozen in midair, and my blue-gray blanket still clutched tightly around my shoulders. Suddenly the ground was rocked by a huge explosion. I whipped my head around, staring at the bus.
The entire vehicle was in flames, a mushroom-cloud of smoke billowing up from it. I dropped my blanket, and began to run down the road, hoping to see if my sister or anyone else was okay, save them if I had to. I had a fire-type Pokemon, I was used to a burn or two.
I was still quite far away when there was a second explosion. This one knocked me off my feet. I fell to the ground crying, covered in dust and too shocked and upset to get up. Even though I was only nine, I knew that no one could have survived that explosion. I looked back towards the house, trying to see if my mother was coming, but the only thing my mind could register was that Reaper was gone again.
"Who's this Abosl's trainer? Michael Bay?!" Keldeo exclaimed in disbelief.
The fire department was called, and the street was filled with firemen for the next two hours. Everyone in the bus was killed, as I had thought.
Over the next week or two, we gathered bits and pieces of information, and it was almost a whole month before the town had figured out what had happened.
One of the high-school jocks, wanting to look cool, had brought a Voltorb on the bus. His sibling had seen him sneak it inside his backpack as he left the house, but for a long time was too scared to say anything.
After he had snuck the volatile Pokemon on the bus, he and his friends started taunting it, thinking it was funny. The creature became angry and used its signature move, self-destruct. That was the first explosion. The second explosion was the flames reaching the gas tank.
Keldeo frowned and put his hoof down, "Okay, this isn't scary! This is just sad and depressing. I mean, just read this!"
My sister and many of my friends had been killed, and the event scarred the whole town. No one really talked about it, but there was a silent recognition that hung in the air for months, sharing the hurt of the fact that most of us had lost a friend or relative in that tragedy. I became a very solemn child, almost as sorrowful as my mother.
"Sure, most implausible creepypastas feature death or wanting to die, and the games usually somehow have the ability to hurt the player, which in itself is pretty ridiculous. But at the least creepypastas have a sense of peril and danger to make you nervous. This story is downright depressing."
I was in great pain, but I can't even imagine what it was like for her, losing her husband and all but one of her children in a short three years. My darling Foxfire was my only joy left. She was so sweet, always trying her hardest to cheer me up and make me laugh. I never did laugh, I was hurting too badly for that, but I made sure that she knew I appreciated her trying.
Keldeo moaned and preformed a double facehoof, and then rubbed at his face as he moaned, "No, no, no, it's just too much, we don't need this! We know his life is misery, we know Foxfire is going to die, what we want here is some actually creepiness! Scare us already!"
For three years I was solemn. For three years Foxfire did her best to bring me joy. For three years I felt peace. A grim, ugly, empty kind of peace, a peace full of finality, the kind of feeling you get when you have just had a victory, but at a cost. But three years of peace nonetheless. For three years I thought the death was over. But for three years, I was dead wrong.
Keldeo sighed and said miserably, "Alright. How does Foxfire die?"
Foxfire was trying to cheer me up, as usual. She was doing something particularly funny, she had found an old hat and scarf of my mothers, and was strutting around wearing them like she was a super model. It was so cute, and she looked so funny, and she was just trying so hard for me that for the first time in years I almost felt happy.
As we walked by the well, she jumped up on its edge and began to saunter around on two legs, pretending it was a catwalk.
Keldeo tapped his chin with his left forehoof.
"So . . . you're being haunted by an evil Absol named Reaper, and you let the Pokemon you love walk on the edge of a well . . . . . . . . . ."
"DID ALL THAT DEPRESSION ROT YOUR BRAIN!?"
"Sure enough, Reaper shows and guess what happens next?"
"No, serious, guess."
"Go on, I'll wait."
" . . . . ."
"Okay, let's see if you're right."
And then I saw him. Two burning red eyes peaking out of the trees surrounding the lawn. It was Reaper. Suddenly Foxfire began to stumble. She had slipped on a wet patch of moss on the well's edge. I realized what was about to happen, and dove for her.
"FOXFIRE, NO!"
"I wonder who deserves the Darwin Award more? The Vulpix or the negligent trainer?" Keldeo mused.
Keldeo sighed and said, "Okay, I'm sure a lot of you want to tell me off for being mean and insensitive. And yeah, this kid has been through a lot and its really destroyed him, and I guess he would deserve all the pity in the world."
Keldeo frowned sadly and said, "But here's the thing, short stories like this don't give much in the way of characters. I know next to nothing about the main character. It's sad that people around him are dying, but the story makes it hard to connect with him. And sure, Foxfire is cute, but I still can't get over how stupid this death scene is. The other deaths were unforeseen that no one could have expected, but this was just too obvious! People around this guy drop like flies, and he takes his Pokemon to place that's the poster child of cliched deaths! How could he have not expected Foxfire to fall down that well!"
"So, yeah, big surprise, Foxfire falls down the well."
I was half a second too late, my fingers just bushing her tail as she disappeared down the well, hitting the water ten feet below with a splash.
"Oh no! Quick! Rainbow Dash! Timmy- uh- I mean Foxfire fell down the well!" Keldeo shouted hurriedly.
. . .
"Uh, Mare Do Well?" Keldeo asked.
. . .
"Lassie?"
. . .
Keldeo growled, "Well, why don't we just let the main character save her?!"
I reacted instantly, dropping the bucket down.
"Foxfire! Grab the bucket! Get in!"
I felt the end of the rope gain weight, and then it was gone for a split second, before returning. Then it was gone again. It was a full minute before there was a consistent weight present in the bucket below, but as soon as there was, the splashing was gone.
Panic took full control as I pulled the bucket back up as fast I could. In it lay my Vulpix, waterlogged and only barely breathing.
Keldeo's brow raised in new found interest, "Oh? Well, okay then. Either give her CPR. . . if that's even possible. . . or run to a Pokemon Center, I think you can make it."
She was a fire type.
"NO SHIP, SHERLOCK!" the Intoxiquer shouted as he flew by.
She couldn't handle being in the water that long. That and the heavy liquid filling her lungs was quickly killing her. My Foxfire, my precious Pokemon was dying.
"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!" Keldeo shouted as he threw of his helmet and fired a huge Focus Blast into the air, which exploded high above him.
"NO! You are NOT resorting to that stupid cliche that water kills Fire-types!" Keldeo shouted furiously, "Maybe that's true for Charmander, Charmeleon, and Charizard because they need to keep the fire on their tails lit. But that does not mean that all Fire-type drop down dead if you toss a bucket of water on them! Heck! Chimchar, Monferno, and Infernape turn their tails OFF when they sleep! Thousands of Fire-types get hit by Hydro Pumps every day and they don't die! Are you saying that a high dive into a well is deadlier than a Hydro Pump by a Gyarados? Sacrifice had better logic than this! And it even makes dancing near a well full of water make even less sense than before!"
Keldeo took a few deep breaths, and when he calmed himself, and he said, "Okay. . . maybe Fire-types drown easily, and that water in their lungs is fatal to them. I guess I could go with that. . . maybe. . ."
I hoisted her out of the bucket, sobbing, and held her tightly to my chest.
"Foxfire, please, no! Please don't leave me! I need you! You're all I've got left!" I begged.
Her eyes opened just slightly, looking at me.
"Please, Foxfire, you can't die! As soon as I finished school, you and me, we were going to go everywhere together… Please… Don't go… You can't… I love you…"
I sobbed, holding her tighter, as if that would keep life in her body.
She smiled at me, weakly, and her eyes slid shut again. Her small chest heaved one last time.
And she was gone.
"And then the story makes you feel like a creep by throwing that at you," Keldeo grumbled, "Instead of feeling for the characters, I just fell . . . depressed. I don't want to be depressed! I wanna be scared!"
And I broke down. Foxfire was all I had left, and now she was gone too. Through my pain and through the endless tears running down my cheeks, I noticed only one thing. The red eyes that had appeared between the trees had disappeared.
Reaper: "Oooooooooo! I have no idea what my evil motivation is! Oooooooo! Seriously, there must be a thousand other kids I could stalking! Ooooooooo . . . . ."
We buried her in the backyard. I saw to it that she got a good funeral, just as good as any person would have gotten. I brought her flowers, roses, to be exact. Lots of them. They were her favorite. My mother and I lit all sorts of candles, and we read from the bible as we lowered her into the hole Breeze had made with dig.
"Wait a minute, he's religious?" Keldeo asked incredulously, "Then why didn't he just do this?"
Trainer used "The power of Christ compels you!"
Reaper exploded!
Foxfire gained 777 exp.
What's this? Foxfire is evolving!
Congratulations! Foxfire evolved into Ninetails!
"There! See! Simple! You really are not too bright!"
"And another thing, HOW DARE Breeze be the one to dig that hole! She was the FIRST character to see that Reaper, and not only is she not the first to die, she never even dies at all! And now she has the nerve to bury Reaper's latest victim? Quite possibly the most tragic of them all?"
Keldeo tensed up and said, "Oh, I get it now. I completely understand. She knows. Breeze completely and totally knows what's going on. It makes perfect sense. The way she runs away after they first see Reaper, the way she's never mentioned again in the story until now, the way she's the only one to see Reaper without dying-"
Keldeo loosened up and nodded, "Oh yeah, I didn't get to that part yet. The main character goes into depression and starts stealing cigarettes-"
A grey cat wearing a green and white striped shirt and huge orange eyes shook it's head and stared with its huge eyes wide open.
DUN-DUN-DUUUUNNNNNNN!
"IT'S A TRAP!"
Keldeo shrugged, "-I'm not sure why he had to steal them. Anyway,he gets lung cancer."
After that, I lost myself. I stole hundreds of packages of cigarettes, and I lost track of my days. My life dissolved into hours upon hours of chain-smoking cigarette after cigarette. I knew that weak lungs ran in my family, but I didn't care that I was killing myself. I had nothing left to live for, it didn't matter to me if I died of old age or died locked in a smoky, cigarette-bud covered bedroom.
Now I am thirteen. I am confined to bed with severe lung cancer. I knew this would happen, but I didn't care. I still don't. My mother doesn't care either, she hasn't been right in the head since my sister died. She probably won't even notice I'm gone, and if she does, I can only hope she'll respect my wish to die.
It hurts to think. It hurts to talk. It hurts to breathe. I'm almost too weak to type this, but I type it because I don't think I'll be here much longer, and I wanted someone to find this, just because I want someone out there to know.
I've been refusing the treatments, and the doctors aren't sure how long I have left, but now I know I have very little time.
Why?
Reaper just appeared outside my window.
He's staring straight at me.
"And that was Absol. And as you can, Breeze was the only character in the entire story, not to mention the entire town the story takes place in, not to exhibit any signs of suffering. Getting hurt in an off-screen battle or two doesn't count. AND SHE ACTUALLY SAW REAPER! She was the first one to see him!"
"And, yes, you could argue that Breeze was probably upset about the mother loosing her mind and the human characters either dying or becoming sad. But, here's the issue. The story tells us how everyone else feels. It tells us how sorrowful the town was after the bus explosion. It tells us about how the main character, mother, and siblings felt. It even tells us how the Manectric desperately tried to get the tree off of Alex. But, I ask you, how has Breeze suffered during any of this? Yes, it says that she came back injured and shaky on the night of the father's death, SO WHAT?! Millions of Pokemon battle and get knocked out everyday. Battles are important to Pokemon, remember that Forest Champion business between Hawlucha and Machamp? Getting beat up is not big deal, especially when there's a demonic Absol just a few feet away from her who for some reason doesn't kill her too while he's at it!"
Keldeo got tense again and leaned forward a bit as he said, "So, here's a little theory I have. I believe that Breeze somehow made some kind of dark pact with Reaper so they could get rid of the entire family. How else do you explain how Breeze, the main character, and Foxfire can all look right at Reaper, and yet Breeze somehow doesn't die like the rest of them. It even explains how the mother doesn't die! The mother is Breeze's trainer, so she stipulated that Reaper spare her. Sure, the mother lost her mind, but the way the story words it as 'hasn't been right in the head' makes me picture her in a semi-lobotomized state in which the only thing she shows concern for in her daze-like stupor is, you guessed it, HER PRECIOUS LINOONE!"
Keldeo stood up tail and commanding in his royal armor and declared, "Oh yeah! Do you see it now? The woman just sits in a chair or walks around, with Breeze on her lap or in her arms, slowly petting her and feeding her Pokepuffs! Breeze wanted everyone else dead so the mother would have to give all of her love and attention to HER! The injuries Breeze got that night were either part of some ritual fight to get Reaper to do what she wanted, done on purpose to throw suspicion off herself, or just an accidental encounter with wild Pokemon. She was probably snickering to herself as she was digging Foxfire's grave! That little weasel!"
Keldeo sat on his haunches and caught his breath after his rant. Then he sighed and said, "Okay, so how does the story make out in genera? Well, you see-IT FAILS!"
"It really hurts me to say that. Honestly, it does. I wanted to like this story. I really did. Honest. Absols are cool Pokemon, and I wanted to see a story that could give me chills. I wanted something good and creepy for Halloween. But instead, I got one of the most depressing stories I've ever had the displeasure of reading. If you took Freddy out of Nightmare on Elm Street, it would still be a scary movie because people are being killed in horrible ways. In fact, it might even be scarier because then you wouldn't know who or what is causing the deaths. If you took Reaper out of this story, nothing would change at all because this story is just a series of deaths that happen around a character. Reaper doesn't physically do anything, he just shows up. I originally didn't want to classify this story as a creepypasta for fear of getting Kyurem the Critic mad at me, but I need to admit that this story is on the Creepypasta Wiki to emphasize how inexcusable it is that this story is not creepy, let alone scary!"
"And what's really frustrating is that it would have been too easy to make it scary! All the author had to do was throw in a couple of ghosts or zombies or nightmares, and it would've been creepy! I would've even taken the cliched overuse of blood creepypasta's have! Have a scene where Reaper is covered in blood from just murdering someone and chases the main character away right before the bus explosion. Sure, it would have been ridiculously over the top, but at least it would've been actually creepy!"
Keldeo frowned and looked down in shame as he said softly, "And I'm sorry if that idea sounded too morbid, I really am. I just thought about what I felt a stereotypical creepypasta would have done and pulled it out of thin air. Really, I don't like doing this."
Keldeo whipped his head back up and shouted, "But you see how angry I am?! I hate this story! At least Kyurem the Critic's creepypastas are so bad they're funny. And some of them are really good, like Jessica! I love that one! It was fairly creepy and had a nice ending. Even Genesect on The Angry Bug Show got to review a good one! Pure was amazing! It was psychological horror at its finest! I'm still a bit freaked out by it! And yet I'm stuck here with what might possibly be the worst Pokemon creepypasta ever made! Who Was Phone is a better creepypasta than this! Seriously, Who Was Phone is better than Absol! At least Who Was Phone is relatable and therefore actually creepy! It's a ghost calling you on the phone, that's scary! Seeing someone's live be destroyed is not scary! It's sadistic! And the fact that Breeze gets out of this unscathed; I repeat, getting beat up is nothing new for a Pokemon; makes me so mad I want to cut something in half!"
Keldeo furrowed his brown and said, "And I haven't even gotten down to this story's biggest flaw. The huge, enormous, glaring plot hole that absolutely blows the premise of this entire story apart."
"And what plot hole is that, Keldeo?" Reaper asked.
Keldeo smiled confidently and nodded, "A-ha! It is none other than-," Keldeo's eyes widened as he turned to look at the Absol standing to the left of him. He cried out in fear as he stumbled backwards into the shallow water as Reaper advanced on him.
"Breeze and I can't let you live, Keldeo. You clearly know too much," Reaper said in his guttural tone of voice.
Keldeo quickly stood back up and nodded triumphantly, "A-ha! I knew it! I knew Breeze was behind it all! But wait. . ." Keldeo cocked his head in confusion, "How did you know where to find me? How did you even know that I knew about Breeze's plan?"
"I didn't," Reaper said, "I just got here a few minutes ago and just happened to hear your entire review. I was actually sent here by Santa Christ, Honchkrow, and Bartholemew. They offered me my weight in MooMoo Milk in exchange for killing you."
"Really?" Keldeo asked incredulously.
"Yes, really," Reaper said smoothly.
"How they even contact you?" Keldeo asked.
"Oh, I've got a part time job with the Dark Brotherhood in Skyrim. They're outsourcing their assassins, so when Santa Christ and the others performed the Black Sacrament, the leader figured that I'd be the best one for the job, considering I was the closest to them," Reaper replied.
"I - wait - what? Huh?" Keldeo stammered, looking very much confused.
"And killing you to keep you from exposing the truth is a nice little bonus for me and Breeze," Reaper continued, paying no attention to Keldeo's bewilderment, "Oh, and she and I are dating, by the way."
Keldeo groaned and rolled his eyes, "Okay, for a Halloween special, this is starting to get really silly and random."
"Oh, don't worry, I can fix that easily. Just tell me how you want to die," Reaper offered.
Suddenly, a Lucario wearing a Santa hat came out of nowhere and jumped in between Keldeo and Reaper.
Santa Paws! Santa Paws! We all love Santa Paws!
"Alright, Santa Paws!" Keldeo cheered.
"Ho-ho-ho! Don't worry, Keldeo!" Santa Paws said, "I'll take care of him! I just need a position with a good angle. . . a-ha! There!"
Santa Paws jumped onto the edge of a Warp Pipe that had suddenly appeared nearby and said, "Alright! Standing on the narrow edge of this Warp Pipe gives me the perfect vantage point of- WOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
Santa Paws fell backwards into the Warp Pipe, and it sunk back into the ground and vanished without a trace.
Keldeo frowned and nodded, "Now do you see how stupid that is?"
Reaper laughed, his guttural tone evident throughout it, and said, "Well, it seems you're out of life-lines, Keldeo."
"Not so fast, Reaper," Keldeo said resolutely, "I'll accept defeat only if you answer one major plot hole about this story."
"I'm all ears, Keldeo," Reaper said with a smirk.
"Do Absols predict natural disasters?" Keldeo asked.
Reaper frowned, "Of course they do. That's been an obvious fact since the day the species were commonly known. How is that a plot hole?"
"So you agree that Absols' use their horns to sense subtle changes in the sky and the land?" Keldeo asked.
"What else do Absol horns do other than slash?" Reaper answered smoothly.
Keldeo nodded and said, "Okay, well in that case, how do you explain the idea inside the fanfic? If the deaths in the story are caused by people doing things, like getting drunk or bringing a Voltorb onto a bus, then how are you able to predict them? There were no natural disasters here, just human error. So how did you know when to appear to the main character to the point that you could growl right when an event was about to happen?"
Reaper narrowed his eyes and said coldly, "The ability of an Absol is multifaceted. I was simply-."
Keldeo pointed an accusing hoof at Reaper and said, "That's not what you said! You said the Absols only predict natural disasters!"
"That's not-"
"I said, 'So you agree that Absols' use their horns to sense subtle changes in the sky and the land?' You said, 'What else do Absol horns do other than slash?'"
"I know what I said, I don't need to have it repeated back to me!" Reaper snarled.
Keldeo frowned, "How did you make those predictions?"
Reaper was clearly getting more and more agitated as he replied huffily, "Sometimes writers make their own interpretations-."
"Okay then," Keldeo said with an eager smile, "A moment ago you agreed that Absols use their horns to sense changes in the sky and land. Explain to me how that can be interpreted in a way to explain how you detected that someone brought Voltorb onto a bus in his backpack?"
"You're just taking things too literally!" Reaper snarled.
"Just say 'don't give final verdict, Joe'!" Keldeo shot back.
"Are we seriously satirizing that?!" Reaper shouted in confusion.
"I don't know! How did you make those predictions?" Keldeo asked again.
Reaper held his right forepaw to his forehead and said to himself, "No. It's impossible. It couldn't have been goofed up like this!"
"How did you make those predictions?" Keldeo pressed.
"The whole premise of the story, something so huge couldn't have been overlooked!" Reaper exclaimed in wide eyed horror.
"How did you make those predictions?!" Keldeo demanded in a loud voice.
Reaper began twitching and spasming wildly as he cried out in pain, "Ennyaaaa! Enyaaaaaaaaaaaa-hey, wait a minute. . ." Reaper suddenly stopped and glared at Keldeo, "So what? Who cares about a stupid plot hole? How is that going to stop me from killing you?"
Keldeo reared up on his hind legs, spun around and pointed, singing, "Are you reaaady?!"
The Plot Hole suddenly opened up right behind Reaper, who turned around and looked at it in shock.
"Are you reaaaady?!" Keldeo sang mockingly.
"No-no-no! Wait! I - N-no! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Reaper shouted as he was pulled towards the Plot Hole. He dug his fore claws into the ground to anchor himself, but was immediately yanked backwards and straight into the Plot Hole.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-!"
The Plot Hole vanished with a pop.
Keldeo dropped back down onto all four hooves and said, "Well, that was actually easier than I expected. A lot more fun too! Well, I hope all you people and Pokemon have a great Halloween, or Gourgeist Festival if you live in the Kalos region, and make sure to stay out of trouble too. Visit houses you trust, don't throw eggs or toilet paper, and make sure to watch It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! and The Scare Master."
"I'm Keldeo 'Shining Armor' the Critic, and I review it so you don't have too!"
The End
Credits
Five Nights at Freddy's
Zuma's Fear by HavocHound
Survive the Night by Mandopony
5RQ Reviews (Pilot) - Barney's Great Adventure by CyberneticPinkeye
Nostalgia Critic: the Matrix
The Angry Joe Show: Ride to Hell Angry Review - WORST GAME EVER?
The Princess and the Frog
Super Mario Bros.
Monsters Inc.
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic- The Mysterious Mare Do Well, The Scare Master
Lassie
Truth Orange: It's A Trap
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
XY081: A Festival Trade! A Festival Farewell?
Kyurem the Critic by Mr. Grool
The Angry Bug Show by DragonNiro
An Icy Cold Christmas by BrickBoy1894
Special Thanks
Creepypasta Wiki
Bulbapedia