"I'm just putting this out there...a little less gun happy."

"Really?" D'av asked as he cocked his head to the side slightly.

"Look, I don't know if this is about you finding out about Delle Seyah having your baby and...oh by the way, it's a girl...here it is?"

"You know...you're an asshole, Fancy."

"I keep telling you guys I'm the designated one and you all keep on ignoring that fact," Fancy shot back. "It's actually rather insulting that you honestly think that anyone could be more of asshole than me."

"Have you met Delle Seyah?" Johnny brought up.

"She's from Qresh-"

"He has a point, John," D'av spoke up.

It had been months since he'd seen Dutch and he was starting to feel like every day he was getting more and more pissed. It wasn't just not having her around to anchor him and balance him and push him to keep on board with a purpose...it was all the questions he had. Johnny tried to ground him, but he was too easy to push back against. D'avin was wondering if Fancy's assholery was his way of trying to fill that void, but it just ended up in them doing a lot of talking of who was really the bigger asshole. Though, it was nice to have another person on their ship that had the talent and technique of being a Killjoy that Fancy had. Johnny was good and all, but Fancy was better when it came to the nitty gritty hard decisions in the field.

"So, where to today?" Fancy asked after a few moments of silence. That or D'avin had just missed an entire conversation (which he felt like wasn't something uncommon nowadays, he'd get lost in his own thoughts when they were on Lucy and it wasn't a time where he had to lead).

"Leith for a tip," Johnny spoke up.

"I'm-I'm going to just go read or something for a bit," D'avin said, not looking at either of them and just trying to process his own words. He motioned in the direction of quarters on the ship and left before anyone could say anything more. He heard Johnny and Fancy talking as he left, but their voices felt like they were distant even though he heard every single word and knew that they were talking about him.

"He knows how to read?"

"It's sort of annoying. I swear he likes to read manuals."

"I would have guessed that was you."

"And they call me the nerd."

"You're still the nerd."

Sometimes he felt adrift or just detached. It was something that he locked down when they were out on the chase or in the field. It was something that he saved for when they were home. He missed her and he thought about her all of the time. Everything reminded him of her. The ship. Johnny. Their goddamn mission. It was all about her...for her. He wasn't angry, though. If anything, D'avin was sad. No matter if they had Fancy Lee, it wasn't the same. Maybe Killjoying as a trio wasn't the ideal number, but when they had their shit together...he knew that he, Dutch, and Johnny were absolutely amazing as a team. Fancy would never be able to take Dutch's spot on their team...and neither he nor Johnny wanted that. Right now, it was just how it was because that was how it had to be. You adapted and made it work when you had to...and right now they had to. D'avin was over having to adapt to crap.

He wanted Dutch.

He wanted her home.

He wanted to know that she was okay.

He wanted to know that the baby was okay.

He wanted their lives to be some semblance of normal (whatever that was when you were a Killjoy, he still wasn't entirely sure what that looked like).

"Lucy, can you starting the recording?" D'avin asked as he settled on the edge of his bed.

"Would you like me to save this one for Dutch with the others?" Lucy asked brightly.

"Yes."

"Recording started."

This was something that he'd started to do everyday, sometimes multiple times during the day. Maybe it was stupid, but it made him feel better. It made him feel like he got to talk to her, even if she didn't talk back. He at least could imagine her sitting there and listening. "So, today we ran across Aneela and Delle Seyah," D'avin started. "It's not the first time since you left, of course...but it's my fault that we didn't complete our mission. I don't think Johnny or Fancy even realize that I just couldn't do it…" He felt guilty, but at the same time...he didn't. It wasn't because seeing Aneela had reminded him of Dutch...it wasn't even because of them just being better than them because they were Hullen...it was because of something else. "I saw her...and I just froze...I holstered my gun and they even stopped to come up to me." D'av roughly rubbed his face with the palms of his hands and just pushed out a breath as he tried to steady his words.

"Her name is Caspara...Delle Seyah apparently calls her Cassie." He looked upwards at the ceiling and tried to really focus on a thought of Dutch sitting there next to him. "She was so small...and all I could see was you… Dark hair and green eyes. And then Aneela asked me about you...and our baby...and all I could do was stand there and just tell them to go." He sighed. "I just couldn't risk the baby. She's an innocent in all of this. She didn't ask to be brought into this world...or this war… She's my daughter, Dutch," he managed to get out as his voice broke. He'd tried his best not to think about it. Wanting to be a father was not something that he'd ever thought about in the last decade, but seeing her...and know that Dutch had been pregnant with their child...it had just brought a swirl of emotions down on him. "I just wanted to hold her and promise her that everything was going to be okay...and then all I could think about was you and our child… Caspara was old enough that I feel like you had to have already had our child. I wonder if you're both safe and healthy. I wonder when I'll see you next. I wonder if we have a son or a daughter. I wonder if they look just like Caspara...and I wonder what name you gave our child." Tears are flooding his face and he just buries his face in his hands. "I wonder if I'd even be a good dad...Johnny and I had a shitty one, you know about that. I know Khlyen wasn't the best for you growing up. I want so much more for our child."

He broke down and just let the tears fall, the sobs escape his chest and lips, and he forgot for a while that he'd even been recording the message to Dutch. He thought about Dutch and he felt like such a failure because of it. He knew when he came up with the plan to send Dutch away that they'd all hate it. D'av still hated his own plan. There wasn't even a protocol where he could contact them. Right now, he just wanted to hear one message from her...just her voice...to know that they were okay.

"Lucy, end recording."

"Recoding ended."

"Can you delete that last part, Lucy?"

"I can play back the message-"

"No," he said quickly, not sure that he could actually bring himself to listen to everything he'd just said. He was still completely torn up and the feels were definitely on a high. D'av hated feeling that way. He didn't need his own recording to remind him of that and rekindle those feelings.

"D'avin, I miss her too."

TBC…