Indiana Jones and The Secret Entheogen Collection of Adolf Hitler
Indiana Jones was lecturing in his university. He was telling his class about his exploits when a paper airplane crashed against his face like the plane on the back of the cover of Beastie Boys' Licensed to Ill album (a/n: If you thought the cover on Eminem's Kamikaze album was a charming homage, you are a tasteless moron and a Nazi sympathizer!).
"Okay, who threw that!" Indiana Jones shouted.
Nobody said anything. Indiana Jones picked it up and read it aloud, "I AM… SOFA KING… WE TODD ED? What does that even mean?"
The class burst out in laughter.
"Unbelievable!" Indiana Jones shouted indignantly, "I'm pouring my heart out about my exploits and you creeps are making a mockery of them! You should all be ashamed!"
"Why would we be ashamed?" said one smart-aleck by the name of Marty Armstrong in the 3nd row, "it's not like we're a bunch of dipshits who get cucked out of a big payout by losing priceless historical artifacts."
"It's not about the money, Bobby," said Indy, "it's about the principles!"
"Uh, shure," said Moon Unit Davenport as she manicured her fingernails with a Popsicle stick, "but, like, I'd rather have money than principles. And, like, having one of those Sakree Stones, or whatever, would have made for a pretty bitchin' lava lamp. I would have bought it off you for, like, a dollar if you didn't want it that bad because of your principles, or, like, whatever."
"You guys are all idiots!" Indiana Jones' voice cracked. Tears of embarrassment came pouring down his face and his lower lip was quivering in a pout, "I'll tell right now that I can come back with something valuable a-a-and rub it in all of your faces and sell it to you for a million dollars! I'll be back, I swear it!" Indiana Jones turned to leave his classroom but then he tripped, knocking over the anatomical skeleton model and hitting his nose on the floor, and clumsily escaped from the classroom by crawling on all fours like a dog and crying like a toddler while the classroom laughed at him as he sharted and left behind a cowardly trail of fecal matter that oozed down his leg and left a wet streak on the floor and also stained the seat of his Dockers pants from the inside.
After Indiana Jones took a shower in the Football team's locker room and threw his Dockers in the garbage: he walked around in his underwear and got the diminutive outline of his genitals laughed at by several cute girls because he didn't have an extra pair of pants on hand so he had to mug a student to get a pair.
Only two minutes after he had gotten his new pair of pants did Indiana Jones come across his lifelong companion Jesse Owens, the Olympic Polymath who won Gold medals in every event except the high jump.
"Jesse? What are you doing here?" asked Indiana Jones.
"I heard about what happened in your classroom today," said Jesse Owens, "and I think I might have some information on where you can find some historical relics that can yield a big payout."
"But I've already looted every place on Earth with an artifact," whined Indiana Jones, "I turned the Staff of Kings into a snake, broke the Heart of the Dragon, lost all of the evidence that Atlantis existed, and, last week, I was in Canada plundering the lost city of the Ziox but I had a psychotic episode and I rigged it with dynamite."
"Don't worry, this artifacts more, uh, recent discovery," Jesse Owens darted his eyes back and forth and whispered in Indiana Jones' ear, "you see, Hitler has this private summer retreat called Adlerhorst," Jesse Ownes leaned in even closer and whispered in a hoarse voice, "The Eagle's Nest."
"Huh?" said Indiana Jones.
"I said the Eagle's Nest!" repeated Jesse Owens.
"Oh," Indiana Jones continued to look at Jesse Owens with a dull, glassy stare.
"Yeah, and I hear that Old Man Mr. Hitler's got a secret stash of Entheogens up there."
"A secret stash of what?"
"You know! Those drugs that people take to have religious experiences, like peyote. Anyways, rumor has it that he took one while he was in art school and he went on a spirit journey that gave him the idea to become the leader of Germany."
"How much do you think that stuff is worth?"
"A brick of the stuff costs about 20,000 dollars and, adjusting for inflation, that would be $357,455.32 in July of 2018."
"How do you know that?"
"I got two Gold medals in competitive economic theory and that projection is based on a predictive model of my own design."
"Wow."
"Yeah, and right now, it's prime time to go grab them. I got a plane on the football field that can fly us over to the Taunus Mountains overnight. We can leave right now."
"Uh, right now?" Indiana Jones repeated, "Aww, well, gee-whiz, Jesse, I don't know. Midterms are coming up and I haven't even written a syllabus for my class yet."
"What, you sayin' you a pussy?"
"I AM NOT! Okay, that tears it! I'm going!"
Indiana Jones turned his attention to the Dean, who just so happened to be walking down the corridor.
"HEY, DEAN!" Indiana Jones shouted, "I'm going to Germany; hire a substitute!"
"Okay!" Said the Dean.
Indiana Jones turned his attention to Jesse Owens, "Now step aside, I got to get my stuff."
Jesse Owens stepped aside to allow Indiana Jones to open up the locker behind him and Indiana Jones grabbed his trademark bomber jacket, hat, and bullwhip. They both ran off towards the football field where Jesse Owens' Fairchild 82 utility plane was being fondled by horny jocks with airplane fetishes.
"Get away from my fucking airplane!" Indiana Jones shouted as he whipped the students in each of their faces.
The jocks cleared out with horrific amounts of flesh and cartilage removed from their faces and Indiana Jones and Jesse Owens boarded the plane and flew off to Germany.
When the plane got to Germany, the fuel tank was almost empty so Indiana Jones and Jesse Owens put their parachutes on and jumped out of the plane, making a HALO jump towards Adlerhorst. Without any pilots to guide it: the plane meandered towards the Reichstag where it killed Hermann Goering.
Indy and Jesse landed, undetected in the woods and sneaked into the Adlerhorst compound, careful not to alert any of the Nazi guards. After dodging a whole bunch of traps and taking down a lot of guards and dogs, Indy and Jesse came across a vault with a huge door.
"A-HAH!" shouted Indiana Jones, "We've hit the jackpot Jesse! Get me a crowbar!"
But since crowbars were illegal in Nazi Germany: Jesse handed him a shovel and Indiana Jones pried open the vault to reveal… THE SECRET ENTHEOGEN COLLECTION OF ADOLF HITLER!
"Wow, it's glowing bright green and everything!" said Indiana Jones, "this shit must be dank!"
Right behind him, he heard the distinct pitter patter of bunny slippers and the sound of a man spitting out a frothy mixture of toothpaste and saliva, "Nein! Get avay from my entheogens! Zoze were a gift from zee aliens!"
Indiana Jones turned around to see… Adolf Hitler in a pink monogrammed bathrobe and nightcap!
"Adolf Hitler? Aliens?! You gotta be kidding me!" whined Indiana Jones.
"Ja!" Adolf Hitler was quite enthused to talk about his contact with extraterrestrials, "Zee zame aliens from Indyahna Zhones and Zu Kingdom of Zee Christmas Skull! Vee got along well! Vee had pizza together and zey gave me zis stuff because zey were cool."
"Well, they may have been cool," said Indy, "but they were poor judges of character. I'm taking you out!"
"Oh, that's where you're wrong, white boi!" Jesse Owens was aiming a discus at Indy's head.
"What," Indiana Jones was startled, "Jesse, what's the deal with this?"
"I'm in league with the Nazi Party, Indy. You fell right into our trap."
Jesse Owens and Adolf Hitler fist-bumped each other.
"Ja, you've been zet up," Hitler said as he pulled out his Luger.
"Oh my God! I'm going to d-d-d-die here!" Indiana Jones muscles weakened and his prostate relaxed. He wet himself.
"Don't vurry," said Hitler, "Vee intyend zu giff you a sparting chance. I zuggest you run in zat direction," Hitler waved his gun around in an Easterly direction, "Vhile vee giff you a headstaht!"
Indiana Jones ran away screaming like a little girl. His pants, wet with the leakage of his own cowardly bladder, chaffed on his urethra.
"EEEK!" Indiana Jones screeched as a discus collided with the wall and shattered into a dozen pieces.
"It's on, Indy!" shouted Jesse, "You can't escape from the velocity of my Platinum medal-winning Triple Chimaera Discus Barrage! HYAAAH!"
The three discus hurtled from Jesse Owens' expert hand. The sheer aggression that he put into his throw imbued them with fearsome purple sexual energy that allowed the discus to pierce through the walls of Adlerhorst, killing every dog in Hitler's kennel, especially Blondi, who went to doggy hell with Charlie B. Barkin (a/n: RIP Burt Reynolds).
"You missed me, Jesse!" taunted Indy as he blew a raspberry.
"Sheeeeit, you ain't seen what I can do wid a javelin!" Jesse Owens then tossed a javelin at Indy with the strength of a dozen ordinary men. It barely missed Indy's crotch and pierced the wall behind him. It was deep enough to mortally wound Jurgen Prochnow, the Nazi U-Boat Commander who would live on to blow himself up with dynamite while fighting zombies in Uwe Boll's House of the Dead.
Indiana Jones had to kick his leg up to his height and deftly pivot his other foot out another way as a graceful ballerino would so he could make his hasty escape from Jesse Owens.
Jesse Owens' Massai blood surged through his veins and his arm threw the javelin like Lorena Bobbitt furiously throwing her husband's penis into the woods. It generated lightning and traveled at a velocity greater than a 12.7x108mm bullet fired out of an OSV-96.
Indiana Jones barely avoided getting penetrated by Jesse Owen's mighty, rigid shaft and the spear pierced the wall behind him, skewering Heinrich Himmler and Magda Goebbels through their skulls while they were making out in full view of their children while they were egging on a Tibetan mastiff eating a bulldog. The mastiff then ate the children while they were distracted.
"SIT YO ASS TIGHT, CRACKA ASS MUDDA FUCKA!" Jesse Owens was hellbent on killing Indy.
Indiana Jones ran as far as his puny, dainty little legs would take him. Jesse Owens chucked javelins at him faster than Lars Andersen could shoot arrows except he put some actual power into his throw so that they would pierce the walls behind Indy and accidentally kill more Nazis like Julius Dorpmüller and Werner von Blomberg.
Suddenly, Indiana Jones felt a sinkhole starting to open beneath him so he leaped for a nearby ledge, using his parkour skills to scramble up the wall and grab it, and he held on to it for dear life.
"Oh, you deed now, Honky!"
Jesse Owens sprinted with the relentless efficiency of a cheetah. Indy's grip was getting soaked in his own sweat and his grip was slipping. Jesse Owens pumped his legs against the edge of the sinkhole and propelled himself like a spring towards Indy. Indy threw his leg onto the ledge and rolled himself to safety. Jesse Owens was already sinking rapidly into the bottomless abyss by the moment he cleared the distance and reached the wall where Indy was hanging from.
"SHEEEEITT!" Jesse Owens shouted as he fell into a sinkhole.
"You could jump long but not high, you son of a bitch!" shouted Indy as he hocked a wad of spit after his former friend. Indiana Jones then used his whip to snag onto an anchor point and swing back to the other side of the sinkhole as George of the Jungle would.
"Ah, I zee you have zurvived zee onzlaught of my dearly depahted negro friend, Herr Jones!" said Hitler as his accent skirted the line between a regal Upper Austrian dialect and the barbaric pidgin English of Boston, "but you zhall nought zurvive my zee coolminneyzhin oof mein fincing zkill, hound by decadds of ixpeerreeyince in ryegorious zordplé!"
"You know, the proper way to pronounce that is 'rigorous,' not 'rigorious'!" said Indy.
"Zu nought korrect mein proonownziation zu maldita lisiada!" Hitler said as he waved his épée at Indy in a neurotic, jerking motion.
"Hah," Indy said sardonically as he looked down on Hitler's display of petulant fury with contempt, "I should have known you'd be a master of the most effeminate art of swordplay!" Indy pulled out a rapier and pricked his finger on the tip of his blade to taunt the Führer.
"Ah, Mr. Zhones. If you are trrying to zhame me for mein pink bathrobe you should know zat I can zee the spot in your pants vhere you've tinkled."
"Touchė"
"Now, Mr. Zhones, I zhall cut chu down in ein mattur oof moomints und be home in time zu lizten zu mein neu Kraftwerk albums zat I got fur zee Block Zabbuth (a/n: Hitler is a godless Nazi so he celebrates the Black Sabbath instead of Christmas so his satanist brethren dance around a circle of black candles with a decapitated goat head in the center to the soulless beat of Kraftwerk instead of rocking around the Tannenbaum to glorify the dulcet tones of Perry Como)! Die, Allied schweinhund!"
Hitler jerked threateningly at Indiana Jones like a praying mantis that got its wiener touched. So fierce was Hitler's fencing skills that Indiana Jones' heart sank, his muscles trembled, and his penis ejaculated in erotic fear. He threw his rapier off to the side and got down on his knees to grovel for his life.
"OH, PLEASE MR. HITLER! I DON'T WANT TO DIE! PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE *gasp* PLEEEEEASE ALLOW ME TO LIVE, I HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR, I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE JUST PLEE—EE-EEE-EEASE!" tears came streaming down Indiana Jones's face and he openly sobbed like a little baby. He had never faced a foe that could instill fear for his own life as Adolf Hitler had just done. He knew at that moment that he should strike Hitler in the crotch but his own inhibitions from trying to fight a superior enemy that would put him in his place anyway prevented him from doing so and the primitive, submissive part of his brain took hold of his bodily functions. Especially his bladder as he had now soiled himself as an instinctual means to convey that he was no longer a threat to his enemy.
"Ach, yew ahr ein veal deezgrehz!" Hitler withdrew his sword into the scabbard he kept around his waist, "Ahma'gonna goose-step da fuck outta heeyuh! I ain't got tahm fo dis boosheeeit!"
As Hitler turned away to make sweet love to his wife, Eva Braun, and let Tojo watch, he was struck on the back of the head with a very expensive vase from the Ming Dynasty that could trace its origins back to the video game, Indiana Jones and the Emperor's Tomb.
"OWWWW!" Hitler shouted as he then fell over unconscious.
The omniscient camera angle revealed that it was Indiana Jones that worked up the stones to hit Hitler in the back of the head. He took a bite out of a Snickers that he kept in his jacket pocket and gnashed on it before making gutteral noises and then hocking the mother of all loogies on him, "Asshole!"
Indiana Jones turned his attention to the vault where The Secret Entheogen Collection of Adolf Hitler was being kept. A wide, goofy smirked stretched across his face and he waddled his way over to them.
"Naht zo faust, Mistur Zhones!" A voice cried from behind him. It sounded different from Hitler.
"Who the hell are you?" asked Indy.
"You doon't remembah? It is me…" the mysterious figure moved toward Indy and revealed himself, "OSCAR SCHINDLER!"
"Oscar Schindler! But I thought your sympathies were with the Jews!"
"Oops, I vas keeding! AH-HO-HOHO-HAHAHAHA!"
"But why?!" Indy was absolutely flabbergasted, "why would you make such great personal sacrifices to rescue the persecuted and save lives?!"
"Who zed I deed?" said Oscar Schindler, "Zey all zink they are goingk zu Palistine but ZERR VEALLY GOINK TO AUSCHWITZ! HAHAHAAAA-HAHAHAA!"
"No..." Indy said, "This is all wrong! You're a good guy!"
"Ah, but zhu forgit zat, I too, am a proed membah of zee Nazi party. Ze Juden zat I promized du zmoogle owt of Zhermany are goingk on a trén zu Auschwitz anyvay, BWAHAHAHA!"
"You really would betray your principals for party loyalties, wouldn't you, Oscar Schindler!"
"Ja, das ist korrekt! As mein own maternal grandfather, Graf Wilhelm Von Lauper, vunce said: 'geld verändert alles!' HAHAHAHA!" (a/n: I'm not worried about playing fast and loose about historical accuracy with Oscar Schindler because the Holocaust didn't happen, anyway.)
"Taste the sting of my whip, you double-crossing traitor!" And then Indiana Jones pulled back his bullwhip and snapped it at Oscar Schindler's hand.
Oscar Schindler looked on in horror as his hand exploded from having a vital pressure point violently lashed. He screamed like a prostitute as he saw that his hand was reduced to a pinky, a ring finger, and a couple of bones exposed to the wind.
"Großer rauchts, ich muss mich verstecken!" Oscar Schindler cried as he tried to lurch out of the room before getting shot in the back, "THANKS, LUPIN!" he shouted as he fell dead on the floor.
"You're welcome," said Lupin the 3rd as he fired his grappling hook to a distant car being driven by Fujiko Mine the 5th while Goemon Ishikawa the 13th deflected nazi bullets with his sword, and The Reverend Dr. Jigen Daisuke Jr., PhD., M.D., Psy.D, Esq., CPA shot a bunch of Nazis with his bigass Colt Anaconda chambered in .44 Magnum and flipped them off when he did it.
"I have to stop the trains from going into Auschwitz!"
"Don't worry, we'll take you there!" said the Aliens from Kingdom of the Christmas Skull.
"Wow, aliens!" shouted Indy, "I'm so glad to see you! Let's load the entheogens onto the spaceship!"
"Sure, why not!" said the aliens in unison.
"Maybe I can help too!" a voluptuous blonde woman with a spritely demeanor said.
"Dr. Elsa Schneider!" Indy shouted in surprise, "But, you died at the end of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade!"
"No, I didn't! I'm okay!" said Elsa.
"But you're a bad guy!"
"Not anymore! My inherently good female nature convinced me to stop being evil. I hate nazis now!"
"But how did you survive that fall into the bottomless pit?"
"I landed on the grail knight's pile of used Kleenexes that accumulated at the bottom over the course of several centuries and they cushioned my fall. It was yucky!"
"It's true, man," said Ganxnoplork, one of the aliens, "when we found her wandering the desert, she was protecting herself from the sun with a parasol that she made out of used tissues!"
"Okay," said Indy, "you have me convinced that you're a good guy."
"YAY!" said Elsa, "Now, let's load up these entheogens and go save the jews!"
So they loaded the drugs into the UFO and flew over to Auschwitz. It was a dreary place to behold. Allied bombing runs on the supply lines that networked the concentration camps had caused hundreds, if not thousands, of prisoners to die off in droves to starvation and typhus infections.
"Curse these Nazis for making us suffer like this!" Elie Wiesel shouted to the heavens as he recovered from his foot injury in the infirmary.
"Have no fear, Earth Jews!" Pixnikonotroid said through the spaceship's PA system, "we're here to rescue you!"
The alien spacecraft then used its lasers to shoot down the barbed wire fences.
"Nein! Zey are releasing Zee Prisoners! Release zeh giant ants!"
And then ants broke through the water table from 18 inches below and all of the prisoners in the brothel discovered too late that the hookers were really giant ants in disguise and they all got killed.
"Indy, help us!" shouted Herman Rosenblat, "We're being attacked by giant ants!"
"Don't worry, I shall tame them with my bullwhip! Fly me closer to the ants, boys!"
And Indiana Jones whipped all of the ants into submission and commanded them to rampage through Berlin and loot every house there for the benefit of Indiana Jones and the aliens. This incident was later covered up and blamed on the Russians.
However, while he was doing this: all of the entheogens fell out and were quickly grabbed by the Auschwitz prisoners who proceeded to smoke it all.
"Mmmm, that's good unidentified extraterrestrial psychedelic compound," said Binjamin Wilkomirski as he put more entheogen in his bong.
"Oh no! The Auschwitz prisoners smoked the entire Secret Entheogen Collection of Adolf Hitler!" Indy was intoxicated on tears of self-pity, "Now, I'll never prove that I'm better than Marty Armstrong and Moon Unit Davenport!"
"Don't worry, Indy," said Elsa Schneider, "I saved seven bricks of entheogens! Since they're a lot more rare now: I'd say each brick is worth well over $400,000!"
"That will easily make us a million! With plenty left over for your wedding gift!"
Elsa Schneider gasped as her pupils dilated, "are you going to buy me a wedding ring with the leftover money?"
"Hell no! Diamonds are a scam perpetuated by the De Beers cartel! I'm getting you a swimming pool! With terraces and a hot tub!"
"Oh, Indy, that's so wonderful!"
"And that's not all, but I'm getting you a big ol' mansion for us to spend the rest of our days together while we're tended to by negro servants."
"YAY! I love you, Indy!" said Elsa Schneider, "let's get married right now!"
"Okay," and then they got married immediately because Ganxnoplork was an ordained minister and Indiana Jones and Elsa Schneider both lived happily ever after until five years later when they got an annulment. The End.
Moral of the Story: Aliens may have advanced technology but they don't use ratchet straps to secure their cargo.