Pairing: Eren/Mikasa

Setting: Post Series

Rating: K+

Words: 1407

Notes: So artbybanky decided to send me a sad headcanon where Eren and Mikasa had trouble conceiving and how they would deal with that. See very sad ;-; but it got stuck in my head because I feel it's something that would probably be very likely with what they when through physically as children and through puberty. So it's a bit sadder than I normally write, but it's still me so it has bright aspects to it ^^ The title is "Antebellum" by Vienna Teng.

How Much Did We Lose to Live This Way

It was the sound of crying that woke Eren up instantly. For a moment he forgot where he was, that something bad had happened while he was asleep but when he opened his eyes it wasn't a damp cave or a creaky building, it was just his bedroom. It didn't stop his heart from racing though as he jumped out of bed; Mikasa didn't cry easily, something must've happened.

He walked across the cold, wooden floor of their bedroom to see Mikasa sitting on the bathroom floor, her face in her hands as she cried. His heart sunk at the sight; he never wanted to see her like this not when he promised himself he would always make her smile.

Eren moved into the bathroom, taking a seat on the floor next to Mikasa. She was half dressed, like she was trying to get ready for the day before she found herself on the ground. He reached over to pull her into his lap in one swift moment. Mikasa didn't speak or even stop crying but she curled into him, her face falling against his neck as her hands gripped onto his shirt.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly, one hand rubbing her back while the other kept her close to him.

Mikasa didn't answer.

"C'mon, what's the matter?" Eren pressed a kiss to the top of her head, trying to comfort her. He had a sinking feeling to what had got her so upset but he didn't really want to think about it.

Her voice was barely above a whisper. "I started my cycle today."

It hit him like a blow to the gut even though it wasn't the first time she had to tell him that. He wanted to cry out in frustration and in hurt but he wasn't gonna do that to her. "It's okay," he said instead. "We'll keep trying."

"We have been trying," Mikasa cried though her voice was still soft. "For months now."

She didn't have to tell him. Eren knew exactly what Mikasa wanted when they left the military; she wanted a home and a family. The home he had managed easily enough, it was where they had lived for the past few years now after all but the family aspect was proving difficult.

He knew how much Mikasa wanted kids and he admittedly had reservations about it at first. What kinda father would he be when he didn't even have a father for most all his life? What if what was injected into him could be transferred to his children? How could he live with himself if he put them through what he had gone through? The thoughts alone were terrifying but Mikasa was the one who eased his mind on the matter. She had lost her parent's love at a very young age, just a little bit younger than when Eren lost the same things; their kids wouldn't have to go through that. They'd have parents who loved them and who would never leave them before they should; it was something he did want to give his children, a mother and father who loved them.

Mikasa was so happy when Eren asked her if she wanted to start to try to have children but now, months and months of trying later, it only left her crying on the bathroom floor. He had been through a lot in his life, but seeing his wife like this over something he should be able to provide for her was one of the worst things he had to watch.

"What if it's my fault?" Mikasa asked, reaching a hand up to rub her nose. "What if all the strain I put my body through when I was so young made it so I couldn't…" A small sob. "Couldn't carry children."

"We were children ourselves at the time, Mikasa." Eren tried to sound soothing but he knew his own voice was breaking. If that was the case, then it was still his fault; she would've never been through what she was if she never followed him. "You can't blame our choices from when we were children. Besides, we don't know that's why it's been so…difficult. It very well could be…" He swallowed thickly. "My fault."

Mikasa lifted her head and looked up at him for the first time this morning, her eyes wide. "Eren, no."

He reached a hand up to her face to brush away some of her tears. He would never deny he hadn't thought about it over and over again the past few months of Mikasa not getting pregnant. He saw the couples in town easily having more than one child even complaining that they found out they were pregnant again. It would make his blood boil, but also make his stomach sink; if it was so easy for those people, how come it wasn't easy for him and Mikasa? They were the ones who actually wanted children.

Eren had no idea what was injected into him God knows how many times when he was a kid. It gave him the ability to shift into a titan, to regenerate; who knew what kinda shit was done to his body. The whole thing very well could've left him sterile without him ever knowing it. He was an experiment, and with his father gone there was no one to tell him what was done to him and how that would affect his life from then on.

Mikasa, she was always a mother; always the one to take care of him and the others, to keep them safe. Now she really could be a mother in all the ways she had always longed for but he couldn't give that to her. He wanted to be a father now, a good father, but how could he be when he couldn't even conceive a child? It just was too bitterly unfair. Hadn't their lives been unfair enough?

"I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't give you what you want most in the world," he said, dropping his eyes from hers.

"Eren." It was her voice that was gentle this time, her hand reached up to her face to hold his hand that was still there, leaning her head into his touch. "You're what I want most in the world. Yes, I would love to have a family with you and to give our children the home that had been taken from us but, if it was just us for the rest of our lives? How could I be unhappy when I have you?"

Her lips were pressed against his the moment he looked up. Eren ran his fingers through her hairs as he kissed her back, sighing against her mouth. He kept his hands on her face even when she pulled away some to look at him again.

"I have Armin doing some research," Eren said, rubbing his thumb against her cheek when she gave him a confused look. "I didn't want to tell you in case he didn't find anything but he's looking in the walls to see if any doctors know of fertility options. I know you've been trying the herbal ones but maybe in the inner walls, doctors have medicine that would help us."

"The inner walls?" Mikasa asked. "Well, they might but it's probably going to be expensive."

"Yeah, probably, but for this I'd pull out the 'remember that time I helped save you all' card."

Mikasa let out a small laugh and it was like music to his ears

"I have money put away. We'll figure something out, okay? We aren't out of options yet."

"Okay," Mikasa nodded, looking a little in better spirits. She went to push herself to her feet but he pulled her back down against him. "Eren," she chuckled, a small smile brightening her eyes; there that was better.

"In the meantime though, I don't mind still trying."

"Good, that makes two of us," Mikasa murmured before pressing a kiss to his lips.

Eren held his hand against her back, keeping her close to him while he kissed her. He'd figure this out; he had to figure it out. While Mikasa's sentiments had been sweet, he knew a baby was what she really wanted and it was what he wanted too; a family with the woman he had loved for nearly his whole life.

He only wished he realized it earlier for both their sakes.